Perplexed…

I don’t know what it is about men that makes them think you can fall for them in just a couple of dates.  How can you have strong feelings for someone you don’t even know?  Yes, there can be a strong attraction there, but feelings?  These emotional feelings are what lead us to falling in love, and real love does not happen quickly.  I have decided to try online dating again, and I am already ready to throw in the towel.  I want to move to L.A. or New York and pursue the career I should have pursued years ago.  Men have wasted the last twelve years of my life, and I don’t want any more of my time wasted.

Now, bear with me… I am sick right now and probably going to sound a little bipolar…

I have met a few men lately that seem to be quite awesome.  I am excited about them and so far one of them has been incredibly patient as we take our time getting to know each other.  (The other two I just met.)  He has not rushed me at all.  Others, however, have wanted to be exclusive after just one or three dates, and I just can’t do that.  So, they find other girls to get excited about that will fall into that trap with them… That’s why online relationships always fail.  People jump in too quickly.  I have been guilty in the past, which is how I know this.  I think online dating gives people a false sense of knowing someone before meeting them.  You can’t possibly know a person after reading their profile and going on a few dates.

I learned another important thing about myself:  where my boundaries are.  I learned that I cannot have a purely sexual relationship with someone, because I so desire that emotional connection.  Feeling used sucks and using someone else makes me feel worse… It is possible to use and feel used even if it is mutual, which is really strange.  Maybe I’m weird or just not so desensitized.  I don’t know.

I’m glad I have explored my sexuality, because I now know how to be patient and let a friendship grow into a good relationship before sex becomes a part of it.  I also know that I am more likely to let a man take advantage of me if I don’t know him well.  I have to know a man well before letting myself go sexually with him.  If there is no trust built, I can’t speak up for myself when something happens that I’m not okay with.  I don’t know exactly why that is, but I learned that the hard way recently.  I slept with a great guy and allowed things to happen that I couldn’t say no to.  It’s not his fault.  I told him that I liked certain things, but I did not have the experience to know the varying degrees of what those things could be.  My sexual history is apparently very mild, and I guess I have never been with someone as experienced as this guy was.  Maybe it did scare me.  It left me very perplexed for some reason.  Instead of talking to him about it, I retreated to try and figure out why it left me so speechless.  I am usually a great communicator, but without trust, communication becomes very difficult for me.  Maybe that makes me immature.  I don’t think so.

Maybe I have finally become a confusing female.  Shit, even I am confused.  This sexual encounter left me insanely puzzled!  We kind of talked about it online last night, and he was not so happy about me disappearing and not talking to him about it.  I do understand. I just didn’t know what to say.  I still don’t know.  I do know that I was enjoying the friendship and I did tell him that I could not sleep with him anymore.  I told him of my discovery that I cannot do that without commitment.  He assumed I was accusing him of emotionless sex, which I wasn’t.  I don’t have a clue what he was feeling, but I don’t have feelings for him.  I do like him, but I have not had the time to develop those feelings.

My time has also been consumed with work, rehearsals, other dates, and tending to my mother’s mental illness.  I wanted to see this guy again, but he is convinced that he totally scared me off.  I see his point, but he does not see mine at all.  He was also offended that I apparently “grouped him with other guys.”  He wanted to end the conversation when I said I liked him but didn’t have feelings for him, and then he was offended when I said that I don’t understand why guys expect me to have feelings for them so quickly.  Someone please point out to me where I should not have said what I did.  It is possible to like someone and not have feelings for them.  Many guys lately have wanted more from me than I could give in such a short period of time, and he seemed offended when I said I didn’t have feelings yet.  I wish he would have just called me instead of trying to communicate with me online.  That’s also most guys these days.  They prefer texting to talking.  Maybe I should have called him, but I like guys who take initiative.  I was hoping we would actually have a lunch date soon.  Oh well…

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My high school sweetheart is a swinger?!

It’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve done some crazy things lately and made some new discoveries.  I love making discoveries about myself.  I told the last guy not to contact me.  He pissed me off by leading me on and giving me false hope, so he is no longer allowed in my life.   I thought I was so close to finding the right person for me, but I was wrong… again.  I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I have failed so many times that it’s not discouraging anymore but actually encouraging.  I gave up at one point when I hit my all-time low.  Relationships used to knock me down.  Now, they lift me up higher than I was before.  I learn something from each failed relationship that helps me in the next one and brings me one step closer to the right one.

I started to wonder if this last guy sabotaged our relationship on purpose.  I wondered if he asked me to come back with the full intention of ruining things so badly that I would actually not want to be with him and move on faster.  If that is the case, it’s pretty f*cking sick, and I really am better off.  I really hope I never hear from him again, but I’m afraid that I might…

I had sex with a guy not too long ago that I’ve known for a couple of years.  It’s not like me to just sleep with someone like that, but I really wanted to a long time ago and never did.  I didn’t want him to be my first even though we had such intense sexual chemistry then.  I thought I’d give this guy another shot.  He would message me every now and then, so I thought I would see if there could be something there.  Well, there was no intellectual chemistry there just like way back when, but he is still incredibly attractive and has a huge d*ck.  He pushed it with me and I just didn’t want to resist, so I didn’t.  It was ok and I’m glad I have no regrets about not pursuing that relationship back in the day.  He is a great guy, but we just don’t click in my opinion.

I also chewed out a guy who I was once crazy about.  He came back into my life after finding out I was single again and the chemistry was still very much alive with him.  I was just drawn to this guy and decided to give him another chance.  HA!  What a joke.  I’m sorry, but I am not going to be some guy’s sexting mistress.  I want real men, real phone conversations, and real commitment.  I fucking HATE players!!!!!!!!  I’m just glad I turned down sex… that was hard to do.

I invested in a few dildos to keep my sex drive occupied while I take a break from sex and birth control.  I’ve never owned one before, so this is kind of a new and exciting personal adventure for me.  I ordered one of them right before the last guy dumped me.  I was hoping we would be able to have some fun with it… oh well.  That’s just one more extra the next guy will get.  Another one I bought to do some web cam modeling, but after doing tons and tons of research on it, I just don’t think I can do it.  I’m too afraid someone will recognize me, and that’s not my idea of a fun way to get famous.

Perhaps the strangest thing that has happened to me recently is finding out that my high school sweetheart is a swinger.  I also discovered that I was not quite over him!  Imagine that!  It has been eight years since we broke up, and I had not completely healed from that! …until recently that is.  He sent me a message on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday.  We started talking because I told him of this strange dream I had about him the night before where he was asking me about relationship advice.  One thing led to another, and we were talking about relationships and our breakup.  I actually cried thinking about the night I broke up with him.  I will never forget it, because I so badly did not want to do it. I loved him so much.  One of the last things I said to him was that I would always love him, and I meant it.  A part of me still does and probably always will.  However, he is not someone that I would ever consider dating ever again.  He doesn’t want kids and can’t commit to just one woman.  I don’t judge him for that, but it’s vastly different than what I want.  I think that having this conversation with him and being able to apologize was that last thing I needed to completely let go of him.  Things still felt awkward between us when I saw him at a reunion last summer, and now I know why.

I am once again excited about the future.  Nutcracker season is about to begin, and there are some promising men lining up to date me, so maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for this time.  We shall see…

What I really want to say to him…

…but I just can’t bring myself to.  There’s still a huge part of me that is hanging on. No part of me wants to move on except for that small part that is in survival mode and knows this will kill me if I let it.  That part of me will win soon.  I can’t control it.  Survival will take over…  Anyway, here it goes…

I thought you were the most amazing man in the world. Then I realized that the most amazing man would not have let me go.  The most amazing man would not have chosen himself over me.  The most amazing man is not that selfish.  I need to let go of who I thought you were and realize what I see now.  It’s time for me to move on and let the real most-amazing-man-in-the-world find me.

I know your fear is that I will feel neglected by you, but YOU have control over that!  You are a main ingredient in US, and YOU have the power to make US work.  However, you chose not to even try.  You just gave up.  Coward.

You know, there is a far worse feeling than being neglected by you.  There was one time when I felt you didn’t want to be around me, and that stung, My heart sunk a little, but then I realized I was misinterpreting the situation.  Anyway, I do understand that feeling of neglect, and I have felt it many times from others, but there is something worse.  Being completely rejected by the man you care about more than anything is far worse.  It is comparable to being rejected by my dad as a child.  He didn’t just neglect me, he completely rejected me.  He gave up his rights as a father so that he could go live the life he wanted.  I don’t get why you wanted to can us so bad when you had someone who was so willing to figure this out with you!

I was SO WILLING to go with you and figure this out together, because that’s what great couples do, and that’s what I thought we were: a GREAT couple. I’ve never wanted that with anyone.

So, I have been dealing with the feelings of being completely and utterly rejected for something that will ultimately be very unfulfilling.  How do you compare a person to an artistic passion?  That is just asinine. Nothing is better than being with the person you connect with on such a deep level. Nothing is more fulfilling than building a life with that person, and it hurts so bad that I have been denied that.  The absurdity of choosing a THING over ME… just… hurts.  You have chosen to destroy something that had the potential to be so awesome.  I don’t know anyone who would give that up for anything.  We could have been two artists living the dream together and figuring out how to make that work together one day at a time.  You have let your fears ruin the best thing that ever happened to you, and for that, I feel so sorry for you.  I do hope you find it again when you are ready, but why would you take that risk?! WHY? Some never find it.  It took me 12 years to find you.  I can’t imagine another day without you… but now I have to.  I have no choice.  I just pray it doesn’t take that long again to find another you.

You broke up with me.  You don’t get to see me anymore. YOU made that choice.  I know you want to hang out and be friends, but I can NOT do that to myself.  My heart can not take it.  You want to have something with me with no commitment.  No strings attached.  Sorry, I refuse to be used like that.  I want something different.  I want what I thought we had.  If the thought of me being with someone else is so gross to you, then fucking do something about it.  If you really have feelings for me like you say, and you really miss me, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate why you did what you did.  It just makes absolutely NO sense at all.  And, I am just a hair from disappearing from your life for good.

I will end up being that girl who holds on for dear life, the girl that hopes he will come around and thinks that if she just gives him what he wants, he will change his mind.  No.  I will not be that girl, but I will turn into her if I keep you in my life.  I had a nightmare last night about you.  I dreamt that I took you to the airport.  I kissed you at the security checkpoint, told you I loved you for the first time, and watched you walk away.  That would be the final tear in this thing that has been ripping me apart.  I can NOT do that to myself.  I just can’t.  This dream was a premonition of what is to come for me if I continue on this path and I won’t have it come true.

You said you gave me four months.  Really?  Like I should feel so blessed to have had four months?!  60 YEARS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TIME WITH YOU!  You were the most amazing man in the world to me.  Not anymore.  I guess I was wrong.  It’s time for me to move on.

Goodbye.

When life throws you a curveball…

When Life Throws You a Curveball...

After moping around for a week, eating almost nothing but ice cream, and trying to figure out what the f*ck happened, I decided to talk to my dad. He was just completely stupefied by why anyone would choose improv comedy over someone as wonderful as me. Now, I know he is my dad, but my dad is not and never was that parent who believed the sun shined out of his kid’s ass. He is a very realistic person who knows what he wants in life and works hard for what he has. He knows what my faults are, and I always felt somewhat inadequate like he looked upon me as a failure at life.  I know he loves me and would do anything for me, because he has, but I don’t ever hear the words, “I’m proud of you” from him.  So, I believe his compliments on the rare occasions that I get them.  When my dad has something to say, I listen, because he doesn’t offer advice often.  And, he doesn’t just say stuff to make me feel good.

It’s also easy for me to believe what he says, because he is kind of an outsider.  He is my step dad although he did adopt me when my biological father gave up his parental rights when I was 12. So, yeah, it made absolutely no sense to him why this guy would break up with me to chase something he only discovered he loved FIVE months ago.  He said that, to him, it is so stupid to give up a life with me to chase something with no guarantee and where the odds are so against you.  He said, “being dirt poor gets old real fast, and who wants to live on welfare when they are older because they didn’t save for retirement when they could have?”  He actually understood why I chased my dream for as long as I did because I spent most of my life training for it.  I thought he looked down on me all these years.  My dad told me what a catch I am and how any man would be so lucky to have me.

Wow.  I didn’t realize that my dad thought so highly of me.  He thought this guy was the luckiest man alive to have had me for the time he did and the dumbest man alive to throw it away.  My dad concluded that he really doesn’t know me at all, because if he did, he wouldn’t have let me go.  My dad was just beside himself because he could not make sense of it all, and my dad has a genius level IQ, mind you… None of my explanations to defend him held any water with my dad whatsoever.

I needed that talk.  It gave me so much clarity.  I understand chasing a dream because I’ve done it, but at some point, you have to be realistic.  He gave up the best thing that ever happened to him, and for what?  To take a stab in the dark and hope for the best?  That can either make me feel completely worthless, or I can look at it as “he really is nuts.”  Or, this guy actually doesn’t think we are a match and won’t tell me that for whatever reason.  I do know what a catch I am.  It was just so reassuring to hear it from my dad, a man whom I respect and who so many people look up to.

I still think this guy is pretty effin’ amazing, but each day that goes by is one more strike against him if he ever does change his mind.  And, that’s not because I’m angry.  Time and distance just does that.  I will not chase him, so as far as he’s concerned, I’m gone.  My heart is still tied up with him, but there’s only so much time left before that is permanently damaged.  I can’t control that.  We may talk or hang out eventually, but I will be no one’s fuck buddy.  I am so much better than that and deserve so much more.  Sex for me is reserved for committed relationships only.  I tried that once, and I’ve decided not to play that game ever again.  I did consider it with him, but why the hell would I do that to myself?!  Alright, enough of that…

You know, there aren’t a lot of women anymore who are career-minded and incredibly driven but also want to be homemakers, actually raise their own kids, take care of their man in every way, who are patient and selfless, and who are independent as well… women who are fun, always looking for ways to spice things up, who are beautiful and loyal, and who genuinely show interest and support the passions of the men they love… women who respect their men in every way and always look for opportunities to show the world just how lucky they are to have him… women who don’t always have to be right and thrive on communication and compromise because it makes them better together.

We had so much potential to be incredible together.  I hope that finds me again.  I know that amazing men are pretty rare, but amazing women are even more hard to come by.  I sure hope he finds what he’s looking for, and I hope what he finds is worth what he lost.

(I also really hope he’s not reading my blog anymore)

Men should never feel bad for needing space

I feel like a child who’s favorite toy in the whole world just broke and rather than fix it, the parents just threw it away. I compare myself to a child, because some of my reactions to him breaking up with me feel somewhat irrational. I really thought I had guarded my heart better. It was only four months. Four months! That’s it! But, I still can’t control how I feel, and I still can’t help but recognize that I had someone who is irreplaceable. He tells me, “you know there are other great guys out there, right?” I do know that. I know there are other great guys. I’ve met many of them. But there’s a difference between “great” and “totally fucking awesome” and that is more rare than finding two identical snowflakes.

I know he meant as great as him or better, so I just wanted to say, “do you know any?” None of his friends compare, and I don’t know any either. There aren’t any in my social circles, or they are married. I don’t even know if I know of any married men (other than my dad) who are as amazing…

A lie cannot live. If he truly cares for me, he will come back around, because he can only lie to himself for so long. I really felt that we were perfect for each other, not just that he was perfect for me. I could be blind, but I just know this. My biggest fear is getting into another relationship and him coming back to ask me if I’m happy and me saying, “yeah, but he’s not you.” I know that won’t happen, because I will refuse to be with anyone unless he meets or exceeds what we had. I don’t see how it is possible to find that again, because he is seriously one in a billion. I would have to be the luckiest person alive to find that twice. It would be like lightning striking twice. It just doesn’t happen.

I wish so badly that he would have given me a chance to prove to him that I can be a solid support system for him. I don’t need him to be around all the time or need him to pay attention to me all the time. Sure, that would be nice, but I don’t absolutely need it. All I need is to know that he is mine, that he wants me, and to see in his eyes that I am the only one for him. I want him to pursue his missions and achieve his goals. I have absolute faith in him to be so ridiculously successful at everything he does. I want to be there when he succeeds and encourage him when he feels he has hit a roadblock.

I never got to show him that I am okay with him being distant when he is focused on other things, because I support everything he does. I am not a needy person, and I have my own things I chase as well. I know that men need their space from time to time. That’s why women have girlfriends. A great woman recognizes when he is pulling away, and takes steps to give him the space he needs so that their relationship can continue to thrive. Space for a man is not a want, it is a need. Men should never feel bad for needing that space. They need space sometimes as much as we need to be social. Again, that’s why we have girlfriends. I never got to show him that I understand this and respect him in this way.

My friends keep saying, “it’s his loss.” Usually I’ll agree and move on. However, it is also my loss this time. I lost big, and I wish I could go back and do a couple of things differently. Maybe I was so excited about him that I didn’t give him enough space sometimes. I just wanted to spend all my time with him, but I didn’t need to. I feel that after four or five months you start to settle down and begin to analyze if this is a relationship you want to continue to pursue. I didn’t have a chance to settle in over that mountain and show him my comfortable, happy, and content side where I give him that space and leave him longing for me. I don’t have a lot of regrets in my life, but I do regret not showing him that side of me. I didn’t always understand exactly how to do that, but I do now and it’s too late.

I didn’t get that chance, because he decided to end things before finding out. He wanted to avoid hurting me in the future, but doing so would entail that I don’t want to give him the space he needs or that I don’t understand how much he needs it. A woman who doesn’t understand a man’s need for space will be hurt when he withdraws to take that space. I do understand this concept! I respect it and am not hurt by it! A man who needs space does not care for you or love you any less! He just needs space!!!!

I woke up not feeling so numb, so this post ended up being quite long. I feel so bipolar lately. One minute I’m fine and the next I’m about to puke my guts out crying. Luckily, my mood is somewhat stable today. There has been a lot of anger in my writing this past week due to lack of understanding the whole situation. I hope he doesn’t feel insulted or disrespected. I was so upset the other day, that I wished he had gotten me pregnant on accident. But, I quickly reminded myself that I don’t really want that. I don’t even know if I want kids sometimes. I do, but not for a while. Me being pregnant would destroy his dream, and I don’t want that at all. I wonder what I would do if I was. I would be tempted to hide it from him as to not destroy this new mission he is after. I really don’t know. Hopefully, I’ll have my period soon so I have one less thing to worry about. I was supposed to start Saturday or Sunday…

For now, I have to figure out how to be his friend. How do you go backwards from lovers to friends? Do you just become lovers with no label? Friends with benefits? Do I just not contact him unless he contacts me first? I digress… I am happy that he wants us to stay in each other’s lives. I miss spending time with him. He really had become my best friend.

I realized…

…that if he really thought I was that amazing, he would find a way to make this work.  If he really wanted keep me around and not throw us away, he would.  It can’t all be just about not hurting me.  Why would he risk losing me if he really thought we were that good for each other?

I tried to calm myself down today with many techniques.  I did a lot of driving.  Went to an orientation for a new part-time job. I forced myself to eat some tater tots, which are usually my favorite.  I nerded out with some old nerd friends and played Magic at the Gathering.  What seemed to help the most, though, was revisiting a dream of mine to be on a major professional dance company.  I am on a local company, but I mean one that travels the world.  When I was doing my own traveling for auditions a few years ago, I ran out of money before hitting the Chicago dance market.  I auditioned all over New York, LA, and even Washington DC. But, I never made it to Chicago.  That’s where he wants to go to pursue his dream.  Chicago.  There are a few dance company auditions in January that I would love to attend, but now I can’t, because it would look like I was chasing him.  I wish he wanted us to go pursue our dreams together and support each other while doing it.  I always wanted to be with someone who understood the satisfaction of chasing a dream and someone who wasn’t afraid to do it.  Being female, it’s pretty scary to do that alone.  Men have quite an advantage when it comes to being independent like that and just taking off.  You don’t hear of too many strong men getting raped or kidnapped.  I know he wants freedom to do this, and he does not want anything holding him back.  I just wish he knew that I wouldn’t, especially if I was chasing my own dream.  I even have a means to make some money that could possibly support both of us. I’ll be testing my new idea out soon.

The integrity of my blog has been compromised, because he knows about it now. This was supposed to be an anonymous blog, but oh well. I’m going to do my best to keep my writing as honest as possible. This truly is my therapy.  I write usually when I cannot calm myself down any other way.  I tried to change the name hoping it would also change the URL, but no.  That didn’t work.  I really don’t want to start a new blog, but I may have to…

I broke the daily ice cream regiment yesterday. Now it’s just no food.  I don’t know what’s happening to me.  I never lose my appetite.  However, something else I find interesting is happening… You know when you hurt yourself, and the pain starts to numb after a while?  I think the heart also has some kind of its own endorphins when it hurts too much or for a prolonged period of time.  That’s my new theory, at least.  I am feeling a little numb tonight.  Or, maybe something else is going on.  Maybe he’s thinking more about me and part of me senses that there is hope.  Or maybe, I know he doesn’t really care to save this relationship at all, and my heart is one step ahead of me in moving on.

Maybe I’m crazy.

I just hope that he and I can remain friends for now.  I need to stop worrying and just be happy that he still wants to be a part of my life.  I haven’t seen him in a week, and I miss him terribly.