Four of my friends have recently announced to the world that they have stepped out of the dating realm and into what feels like an alternate reality or another dimension that is unreachable for me. They got engaged, have beautiful rings, and now get to plan for the happiest day of their lives. I could not care less about a huge flashy ring and ridiculous ceremony. I have never really cared about those things. I just want to find the person I am supposed to marry and be happy. I am so inconceivably SICK of being so f*cking HURT!!!!!!!
I am incredibly hurt by this whole thing I’ve been going through but no longer letting it rule my life. I still haven’t heard from him, which makes me really angry, but what can I do? His parents are really upset with him, too. I went over to his house last night and left a few things he gave me on his bed and computer desk. I decided against leaving any mean notes, which I think was the right thing to do. It would have been so nice to say a few nasty things, but I’d rather say them to his face if I ever get the chance. He obviously can’t handle it when someone is mad at him, which is why he has disappeared. That’s a pussy for ya.
I talked with his mother for a while. She initiated the conversation and pretty much told me that I deserve better. (He recently moved back home.) She let me know that she told him he was letting go of the best thing that has ever happened to him. But, she also said he hasn’t really talked to her and she is going to try to talk to him in the next few days. Maybe I will hear from him… kinda doubt it, though. I really hate not getting closure. We haven’t even officially broken up. I told his mom that it’s over for me and if he ever wants to talk to me, he is going to have to reach out to me, because I’m done. I especially won’t send him any more messages, because I don’t want him to be distracted while he is working and get shot or something. Too, bad he wouldn’t give me the same courtesy. He just let me f*cking suffer for a whole week. His mom was very supportive of my actions and sorry I had to go through the hell that I did. I could tell she was angry with him for doing that to me, and she said his dad was going to kick his butt. He never asked his parents about if they have ever gone through this like I suggested, which tells me he was never searching for answers. That hurts. He didn’t care. He just effing gave up. I hate people who quit so easily.
Each day that goes by where I don’t hear a word from him reduces his chances of me ever considering him again. I’m not sure if there is anything he could say at this point that would even allow my heart to trust him again. He has a TON of growing up to do. I do miss him and still love him. I will for a while, but I have to be an adult and not a hopeless romantic by taking care of myself. I’m trying to convince myself that I will find someone better, but I just don’t believe it right now. I think that’s normal.
I scheduled a session with a therapist on Monday. I feel I just need to talk to someone about how my dating life has gone the past few years. I changed things up since doing all the “right things” wasn’t working, and the new way of doing things is not working either. I know my main issue is allowing my biological clock to scream in my ear, but I really am terrified of that. I feel like the alarm is going off and I keep hitting snooze. Part of the reason I am so angry might be that I subconsciously believe HE ruined another great chance for me to get married and settle down. HE threw me back into the dating world again, and I HATE it here. HE chose to not protect me from that world, and I really believed he would. I wanted to do that for him. I don’t want to be that girl who just makes a relationship work because she just wants to get married, which is why I am letting him go. I’m sure at some point I will be happy I did. It’s really hard to be this strong, but it feels good to take care of myself, too.
I feel so bad that I have pushed my family away the past few years. My sister mentioned to me that she feels my boyfriends are more of a priority over spending time with her. I think that happens when you wait so late to get married. You become so focused on finding that person when you feel you are running out of time, so you kinda forget about your family and everything else for that matter. I didn’t mean for that to happen, but I think it’s actually natural to start separating and becoming independent. I have been so focused on career and finding my soul mate the past few years. I should have moved out a long time ago. It just took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life other than ballet. I think my family would function better if I was not here. I think I would actually make time to go to dinner or lunch every now and then, because in my mind, I see them all every day right now so why go do something extra once a week when I could be dating! I don’t know… Maybe I’m wrong for thinking that way.
I just wish someone would save me from all of these sharks in the huge ocean I feel I am swimming in. I wish someone would let me save them, too.