Determined to love you forever…

There is a sort of sadness that ensues in the midst of the pure joy you feel when you finally unite with your twin soul. You realize the gravity of that saying “all good things come to an end.”  When you have everything… when you have that fire… you realize that just like the fire that runs its course, so too do the lives of you and your twin flame.

That is the most depressing thought of all.

Finally, Karma was good to me. She finally allowed for us to find one another and experience more love than most people could ever dream of. And one day, she will take that away.  I like to think that a love such as this will never be extinguished; that it will continue to burn beyond death and for all eternity.  However, I don’t know if that’s real or an idea people have to believe in order to keep on living as mortals.

I try so damn hard to live in the present and to just enjoy this indescribable precious thing that I have, but I am constantly reminded that one day, I may not have that anymore. The force which brought us together will decide when we have had our fill and retract. I guess it wasn’t ours to begin with, but why give something so undeniably the greatest thing in the universe and then take it away? How does that even make any sense?

It seems as though the universe finds joy in the greatest of tragedies, or maybe it is only through these tragedies that love like this can exist at all.  Maybe death is what fuels the flame of life and of love.  If that is the case, I have to thank the destruction which allowed me to revel in this intense love for as long as I am privileged to partake of it.

I don’t know how that makes much sense either, but I dread the day that I will pass from this world and leave this love behind. I hope and pray that I can take it along with me or that I will be endowed with another life to find him again.

60 more years with you just doesn’t seam like enough time.  Fuck, a million wouldn’t suffice either.  I need you forever.

My sun

I was destroyed
And then you gave me new life
You re-ignited my flame
That so many others left an ember
I waited so long for you to find me
And your dreams finally materialized
You saw me years ago, and despite your turmoil
Never gave up…
You searched
and were deceived
You perished
and wandered towards the light
You conquered
and were reborn
You embarked on a journey
To find that dream from years ago
To search again
To claim your happiness
And now we are united and our stars have aligned
You are my sun
I am your moon
Soul mates for all of eternity past and future
A love I never thought existed right before my eyes

I love being in love

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You’re my survival, you’re my living proof.
My love is alive and not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I’ve dropped out, I’ve burned up, I’ve fought my way back from the dead.
I’ve tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your…
I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.

The greatest fan of your life.
…greatest fan of your life.

 – “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain

Men should never feel bad for needing space

I feel like a child who’s favorite toy in the whole world just broke and rather than fix it, the parents just threw it away. I compare myself to a child, because some of my reactions to him breaking up with me feel somewhat irrational. I really thought I had guarded my heart better. It was only four months. Four months! That’s it! But, I still can’t control how I feel, and I still can’t help but recognize that I had someone who is irreplaceable. He tells me, “you know there are other great guys out there, right?” I do know that. I know there are other great guys. I’ve met many of them. But there’s a difference between “great” and “totally fucking awesome” and that is more rare than finding two identical snowflakes.

I know he meant as great as him or better, so I just wanted to say, “do you know any?” None of his friends compare, and I don’t know any either. There aren’t any in my social circles, or they are married. I don’t even know if I know of any married men (other than my dad) who are as amazing…

A lie cannot live. If he truly cares for me, he will come back around, because he can only lie to himself for so long. I really felt that we were perfect for each other, not just that he was perfect for me. I could be blind, but I just know this. My biggest fear is getting into another relationship and him coming back to ask me if I’m happy and me saying, “yeah, but he’s not you.” I know that won’t happen, because I will refuse to be with anyone unless he meets or exceeds what we had. I don’t see how it is possible to find that again, because he is seriously one in a billion. I would have to be the luckiest person alive to find that twice. It would be like lightning striking twice. It just doesn’t happen.

I wish so badly that he would have given me a chance to prove to him that I can be a solid support system for him. I don’t need him to be around all the time or need him to pay attention to me all the time. Sure, that would be nice, but I don’t absolutely need it. All I need is to know that he is mine, that he wants me, and to see in his eyes that I am the only one for him. I want him to pursue his missions and achieve his goals. I have absolute faith in him to be so ridiculously successful at everything he does. I want to be there when he succeeds and encourage him when he feels he has hit a roadblock.

I never got to show him that I am okay with him being distant when he is focused on other things, because I support everything he does. I am not a needy person, and I have my own things I chase as well. I know that men need their space from time to time. That’s why women have girlfriends. A great woman recognizes when he is pulling away, and takes steps to give him the space he needs so that their relationship can continue to thrive. Space for a man is not a want, it is a need. Men should never feel bad for needing that space. They need space sometimes as much as we need to be social. Again, that’s why we have girlfriends. I never got to show him that I understand this and respect him in this way.

My friends keep saying, “it’s his loss.” Usually I’ll agree and move on. However, it is also my loss this time. I lost big, and I wish I could go back and do a couple of things differently. Maybe I was so excited about him that I didn’t give him enough space sometimes. I just wanted to spend all my time with him, but I didn’t need to. I feel that after four or five months you start to settle down and begin to analyze if this is a relationship you want to continue to pursue. I didn’t have a chance to settle in over that mountain and show him my comfortable, happy, and content side where I give him that space and leave him longing for me. I don’t have a lot of regrets in my life, but I do regret not showing him that side of me. I didn’t always understand exactly how to do that, but I do now and it’s too late.

I didn’t get that chance, because he decided to end things before finding out. He wanted to avoid hurting me in the future, but doing so would entail that I don’t want to give him the space he needs or that I don’t understand how much he needs it. A woman who doesn’t understand a man’s need for space will be hurt when he withdraws to take that space. I do understand this concept! I respect it and am not hurt by it! A man who needs space does not care for you or love you any less! He just needs space!!!!

I woke up not feeling so numb, so this post ended up being quite long. I feel so bipolar lately. One minute I’m fine and the next I’m about to puke my guts out crying. Luckily, my mood is somewhat stable today. There has been a lot of anger in my writing this past week due to lack of understanding the whole situation. I hope he doesn’t feel insulted or disrespected. I was so upset the other day, that I wished he had gotten me pregnant on accident. But, I quickly reminded myself that I don’t really want that. I don’t even know if I want kids sometimes. I do, but not for a while. Me being pregnant would destroy his dream, and I don’t want that at all. I wonder what I would do if I was. I would be tempted to hide it from him as to not destroy this new mission he is after. I really don’t know. Hopefully, I’ll have my period soon so I have one less thing to worry about. I was supposed to start Saturday or Sunday…

For now, I have to figure out how to be his friend. How do you go backwards from lovers to friends? Do you just become lovers with no label? Friends with benefits? Do I just not contact him unless he contacts me first? I digress… I am happy that he wants us to stay in each other’s lives. I miss spending time with him. He really had become my best friend.

Dating

So, I decided to do some online dating for a couple of weeks and had to take a break from blogging, because it was controlling my life!  I got so many messages every day, that it became a full-time job just to keep up with.  I have met several people and have gone on numerous dates in hopes of finding the right person for me.  It has been quite exhausting, and I actually got really sick, because I was neglecting taking care of myself to go on all of these dates.  I have also neglected my studies and other responsibilities, but now it is time to get back on track.  My online dating profile is gone, and I am now focusing on just a few guys instead of like 50.  There is one that has my attention the most, so it may be soon that I am in a solid relationship again.  That would be so nice.

It is amazing the combinations I run into. What I mean is there were guys I met that were perfect for me on paper, but I did not have that spark with or wasn’t attracted to, and then there were guys that I had the spark with that were just wrong for me.  There was one I was going to toss until he kissed me, which changed the game entirely… then he told me he had kids and tried to get too physical with me. NO!

I have some amazingly bad stories from online dating that I actually plan on writing a book about.  It will be quite funny.  You guys would not believe the shit I got on that site.  Here is a list I had on my profile of things NOT to do when contacting or trying to date me:

When deciding to contact me, please refrain from the following unless you are trying to make me laugh at you and you have no intention of getting a response…

1. Do NOT ask me about sex!!!!! There is a time and place for that and an order to which that is addressed, and it’s not on after a few messages and phone calls either. If you are curious about my sexual preferences and style, read that section in my “Relationship Needs Assessment.” I think they got it spot on for me. If you only go for looks, don’t message me. I want a truly meaningful relationship in all aspects.

2. Do NOT claim to know me after a few messages and a phone call.

3. I am NOT your babe, sweetheart, or princess. Pet names have no place until something further has been established.

4. Do NOT show me your ex-girlfriend’s Hooters bikini pictures on any date we go on. You’re not over her and I will never be a stick skinny bleached blonde with huge fake tits. If “fried and dyed” is your type, sorry, it ain’t me.

5. Do NOT assume that I will commit all of the crimes of your exes. I understand having fears, but I will treat you with respect and expect the same in return.

6. Do NOT demand that I go out on a date with you. I don’t know you or your sense of humor, yet, so I don’t find that very cute at this point.

7. Do NOT complain to me that you don’t like it that I’m meeting other people. We met online and you are not the only fish in the sea. Yes, that is harsh, but I am on here to meet several people, make some friends, and see if one of those friendships turns into something more. If you can’t handle that, get off this site. I promise you will have my full attention every time we hang out. I am not a serial dater, but that’s just the nature of this site. Meeting the right person is a numbers game. If you can’t handle beginning a friendship, we won’t work. Solid relationships begin with solid friendships.

8. Do NOT try to go from zero to sixty with me in two seconds. You will scare me away.

9. Do NOT tell me you love me after three dates.  I do not care that your parents got engaged after one week of knowing each other and they have been married for 32 years.  That’s not my style.  I would like to know someone well before marrying them.

10. Do NOT message me to tell me my pictures are fake. They’re not. There’s no point in having fake pictures, because you’ll figure it out once we meet.

11. NEVER beg me to sleep with you.

12. Sending me a first message that only says “marry me” or has sexual references in it will result in no response.

13. Do NOT demand that I respond to your message just because you feel you are better than every other guy on here and you deserve it.  If you want a yay or nay, just kindly ask me and I’ll let you know.  Demanding a response from someone who may not have wanted you to message them in the first place is just rude.  If they are interested, they will respond.  I don’t have time to respond to everyone, but if I’m interested, you will definitely know within 24 hours.

14.  If at some point after we meet I feel that we are not a good fit, I will let you know. I expect you to be this honest with me as well. Please be a gentleman by being kind with your response.  I am kind when I am turned down, because I just want that person to find happiness.  If it’s not with me, then I hope they find it with someone.  If you want to know why I am not interested, just ask.  Do NOT start acting like you were born yesterday with screaming and rude commentary.  You will just further prove to me that we are not a match.

15.  Do NOT get mad at me if I don’t respond to a text message.  I could be in ballet class, at work, running errands, working out, cooking, eating, sleeping, or meeting someone off of this site.  If you send me a rude message about sucking at texting, I will not talk to you anymore.  Why?  Because you just proved to me that you have no patience, so in my mind, this translates into you having no patience about me not wanting to sleep with you after two weeks of dating you. And well, I’m not interested in someone who has the patience of a two-year-old.  I am a VERY patient person, and you should be, too. Real men have patience and self-control!  I will text you back when I have the chance. JUST EFFING HAVE SOME PATIENCE!!!!!

16. Do NOT convince me that you move too slow for some women and then tell me your penis is 10.5 inches long!  I’m not scared of your dick!  I don’t care that other girls didn’t like it (if that’s really true).  We will cross that bridge if/when we get there!
17.  Do NOT fish for compliments by telling me how unattractive you are.  If I thought you were unattractive, I wouldn’t talk to you.  That shows me you are not confident, which is a turn-off, or that your pictures aren’t the true you, which makes you a liar already.  Go away.  I don’t date liars.
This list was mainly there to make people laugh, which it did.  All of those things were inspired by true events that did happen to me!

Singles awareness day

I hope you all had a wonderful Singles Awareness Day!  Mine pretty much sucked.  That one guy I had a little bit of hope for told me that he met someone else he’s crazy about.  So that’s it… Single for me for a long time…

That guy and my sister didn’t work out either.  He left a day early.  I was sad for her, but relieved that I could sleep again.  I knew he wasn’t her type.

It snowed here the other night.  And what did I do?  I stood outside in it and cried.  We never get snow, so when we do, it’s usually a very exciting thing.  I tried to dance in it to cheer myself up, but I found myself unable to move as a sadness fell over me.  My heart was crying out to him… the man I’m supposed to be with… my ultimate soulmate.  I let myself call out to him and could feel his heart breaking.  I hoped that by speaking into the wind that his heart might sense mine calling to him.  I tried to console him and tell him that I am still waiting for him.  I told him to not give up and to please come find me, because I’m too broken to keep searching.

I don’t know who he is or what he looks like, but a very small part of me still believes he’s out there somewhere and that he will find me. I just hope he does before I really don’t want to be with anyone anymore.  There are a few men in my life that are pursuing me, but I just don’t feel it with them.  I have developed some feelings for my best friend, but I just don’t think he’s the right one for me.  I know it hurts him that I think this way, but he knows I do.  Maybe things will change, but I don’t see us together.  It sure would be an interesting story if we ended up together.  He’s just too young for me.

I’m so thankful to have yoga, ballet, and my family right now.  I would not survive this season of my life without them.  And, thank you all out there for reading my thoughts.  Sending them out there really is comforting for some reason, even if no one comments.

Dignity…

…the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect.

“Our dignity is the one self-concept we humans dread losing and will try to maintain at all costs.”

This is an awesome quote that really stood out to me in my pedagogy class tonight. This is exactly why the relationship with my mom is so strained. I feel that she takes my dignity away all the time.  I had the guts to tell her how I feel about her a couple of weeks ago.  I usually just sit there while she lectures me and tells me how I do everything wrong, how I push everyone away, how I’m self-destructive, and how the whole family agrees with her about me.  I finally told her that she never tells me that she is proud of me.  You know what she said to me?  “Well, you haven’t done much to be proud of lately.”  Wow.  So all of my accomplishments in dance, community service, being the first of my family to get a college degree, my current pageant title, and finally deciding to be a teacher are nothing to be proud of… apparently not.

It’s a good thing I have been learning how to separate myself from her the past few years.  I have been learning how to validate myself without her support, which is hard to do while living with her.  I stay away from home a lot and stay very busy.  Maybe that’s why I decided so late in life to try doing a pageant.  Maybe I subconsciously needed the validation that I could do and be something greater than myself.  I have made so many good friends who build me up and keep me thinking positively about myself.  That, to me, is a very good thing.

I was talking to my sister today and telling her how it feels to be looked so down upon by my family.  It’s like they see me as this little child who is incapable of making any good choices and I have to be guided along with someone holding my hand every step of the way.  They do not trust me to make decisions that are best for me.  They try to run my life and then get angry when I don’t do things their way.  I feel so alienated and misunderstood by my family, and they don’t care.  If I ever tell my mom how I feel, I end up being the selfish one who has pushed everyone away.  What about taking me seriously for once?  Aren’t my feelings valid at some point?  I can’t be that crazy!  Maybe my mom has painted this picture of me to my family that is not true.  Maybe her perception of me is really just that: hers!

I said to my sister, “it really sucks not being trusted by your own family,” and she just told me that I don’t make good decisions.  I said, “well that’s your opinion.”  I dated one really bad person for a year, and that ended about a year ago.  So, because I got so stuck in that relationship, they think I’m self-destructive.  My sister really thinks that if they had not been so vocal about my horrible choices in that relationship, that I would have destroyed my life by staying with him. What she doesn’t realize is that I completely tuned them out after a while and made the choice to get out of the relationship myself.  I MADE THAT DECISION!  THEY DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR ME!  I’m the one that had to make those decisions, because I’m the one that had to live with them.  I had to say goodbye to someone I loved dearly, not them!

That period of my life was absolute hell, because everyone in my life was against me.  I had absolutely NO support.  I was madly in love with the wrong person, and instead of my family helping me through it, I was pinned against the wall for it.  I was lectured and told that I was stupid.  I’m sure it is scary to see someone you care about in a bad relationship, but I needed support, not added stress.  I needed for my parents to trust me to make the right decision for me.  What I needed was for someone to say, “I understand you and what you are going through and that you will make the right choice in the end.”  I was dating the wrong person AND my family was angry with me.  I knew I wouldn’t stay with him, but I didn’t know how to get out.  I was very suicidal and felt completely alone.  I did have one friend who was very understanding, and she is probably the sole reason I did not end my life.  Well that, and I knew my family would be devastated.  I didn’t want to prove them right about me being so incredibly selfish.  My friend helped me see light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s just what I needed.

I may have made some very different decisions after that relationship than I would have before it, but I came out of that relationship a completely different person than I was before it.  I had sex for the first time, started to see my mom as not being right all the time, embarked on a very difficult spiritual journey, began to see sex in a more mature and healthy light, and I discovered my own sense of morality that was my own, not one that someone told me to have.  I slept with someone I was not in a relationship with and learned from that how I didn’t want to do that again.  I slept with someone who I was in a relationship with but wasn’t in love with, and I learned that I didn’t want that either.  Then I learned what making love is, and that’s what I want, but I need to spend more time cultivating a relationship before going there.  I need to make sure that he is going to be around for the long haul and not give up because he’s scared of commitment.  It takes time to really get to know someone and truly love them.  I knew all of this, but I really learned it.

I completely understand the concept of how your actions affect everyone around you, especially your family.  I know that if I got pregnant, it would not be a good thing right now.  BUT, they also have to trust me to be smart about that.  They did raise me very well.  I’m not stupid, and waiting until you’re 27 to have sex is quite remarkable.  How about being proud of that?!  Oh, but it’s okay for the little sister to do it, just not me, because I’m retarded.  I try to tell myself that they are just harder on me because they expect greater things of me.  It gets harder and harder to believe that, especially when you are told you are stupid…  I have tried so hard not to be a burden on my parents.  That’s probably one reason why I haven’t moved out yet, because I’m so afraid to fail and have to move back home or ask them to bail me out.  I never ask them for anything. NEVER.

I am very happy that I waited until my late 20s to have sex, because I feel that I am emotionally mature enough to handle it.  I waited until I was in love, so I cannot regret that.  It is not the emotionally scarring thing that I was told it would be if you do it with the wrong person.  I truly do not have regrets about those experiences because I really learned from them.  I think regret comes from not understanding the lesson you are supposed to learn and not being able to forgive yourself for making a mistake.  Mistakes are opportunities to grow.  They are not red marks on your research paper.  I actually did feel regret for a while about sleeping with my last boyfriend, because I was so in love with him.  I think that’s because I was mad at myself for knowing better than to move so fast.  I did know better, but what I learned from that was what the voice of my gut sounds like.  I learned so well that my gut feelings are spot on and that I should NEVER ignore them.  I knew it was too fast when he told me he loved me.  I knew he didn’t know me well enough to say it, but I ignored that feeling and went with it, because I wanted him to be the last person I would ever have to date, and I wanted him to feel validated in being so open with me.  I have ignored those gut feelings a lot in my life in order to make others happy, including my mom.

My mom has been a terrific mom.  She has taught me so many things and shared so much of her wisdom with me.  She really is one of the strongest people I know considering how terrible her life was up until about 15 years ago.  However, she has not allowed me to learn from experience, which is how I learn best.  She hates that I learn best from experience.  It’s so ironic that she is the one who taught me how you can’t raise each of your children exactly the same way, because their personalities demand different parenting methods.  I was always so angry growing up that my youngest sister was treated so differently and got away with so much, but I understand why now.  What my mom needs to see is that she doesn’t really believe that.  If she did, she might not be so hard on me.

I feel that I have learned so much from my mom’s wisdom, and I stayed out of so much trouble compared to my peers in school because of that. However, there is only so much you can learn by just listening to someone’s advice and warnings.  You know, learning from experience may be the hardest way to learn life lessons, but that’s who I am, and that’s okay.