A Change of Heart

Since writing about there “being no one for me if this guy doesn’t work out,” I’ve really been thinking about that.  Something very interesting happened to me recently that I thought I would share, and it made me change my mind about this whole giving up on love thing…

I was in a short film recently where I had to play a very emotional role and cry on cue.  I have a difficult time with making fake tears, so I always have to find something inside me that devastates me to the point of tears.  What did I focus on?  The last guy who shattered my heart and how horrible it felt.  I wondered for a while after the shoot if I still wasn’t over him.  I quickly realized that was not the case.  I pretty much hate him.  I also realized how that was my rock bottom.  I got through it and it still hurts if I think about it too hard, but unless my future husband has an affair, I don’t think I will ever hit that rock bottom again.  Why?  Because I’m better than that.

I will never again put my whole heart into someone until I know without a doubt that he not only wants it but will give his whole heart to me as well.  I’ve never been so guarded before, but all this pain sure did teach me a lesson.  It’s almost like I can’t even control it.  My heart is literally still bruised and healing and will not budge right now, and that’s okay.  I am dating a wonderful man now and enjoying getting to know him without either of us rushing anything.  It’s awesome!  I think my fear of him hurting me is helping me keep my guard right where it needs to be.

I do not need any man to complete me or make me happy.  I have so many other things in my life to do that for me.  I am confident in my own skin and know that any man would be lucky to have me.  I believe this new boyfriend of mine sees that, and I think that’s what he likes about me. I do, however, want an amazing man to share my exciting life with.  And, I want to be with someone who is equally as interesting.  I think I finally found that balance in my relationship!

I feel now that if this relationship ended, I would be sad, but not devastated. I put my whole heart into that last relationship way too fast thinking that was it.  I’m not doing that this time, because I finally realize that good men are not so hard to find.  I think I’ve found me a spectacular one, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find another one if this one flakes out.  This is a good place for me to be right now.  I care about him very much and do many things to show him that.  I am definitely holding up my end of the relationship and then some, because I am a very giving person.  However, I am holding my heart back a little until the time is right.

I found hope again.  I gave up on love once, and I won’t do it again.