Session 3 and a date

I had my third therapy session yesterday, and we barely talked about him.  I think I’m starting to heal and realize that he really wasn’t the right one for me.  I could have made that relationship work if he was in it, and I wanted to, but ultimately I don’t think it’s exactly what I wanted.  We talked mostly about my mom and the damage done to me from that relationship.  It stems from something deeper than her, though.  It goes all the way back to the abuse my grandfather suffered, and it probably goes further than that, but that’s as far as I know.

My great grandfather was verbally abusive to my grandfather and never told him once that he loved him.  I’m sure the abuse was much worse than I know, because my grandfather abused my mother horrifically both verbally and physically.  There was some sexual abuse there as well, but no rape or anything like that.  This damaged my mom beyond anything I think she could ever recover from, so she married into an abusive situation thinking she was escaping her childhood.  That’s where I was damaged.  My mom had great friends, though, who helped her get out of this marriage before a lot of damage could be done.  I suffered some sexual abuse that I remember, but I my siblings don’t remember anything.

My sense of self and identity were greatly damaged from what I am starting to realize.  I have always had a very hard time trusting in my own decisions or making up my mind about anything.  Everything I do is to appease someone else.  My mom has added to this issue by not completely letting me be my own person.  It has taken me well into my adult years to finally start to trust myself and realize that my goals, dreams, decisions, and mistakes are okay and good.  The only thing I’ve really been able to hang onto is dance.  I know that I am a dancer and that can never be taken from me.  However, my dream to dance professionally in New York never came about because I did not have the support I needed to do it.  My parents never wanted me to go and never supported it.  So I spent some time traveling there and auditioning, but you must live there to land jobs.  It still hurts that this dream of mine was shattered.  I have tried to dance and perform locally, and it’s great, but it is not the same.  I don’t feel that I truly lived to my fullest potential, and now my body is getting too old.

So, I have spent the last ten years trying to find something that I love and that my parents support, too.  Now I am working on my teaching certification to teach middle and high school science.  I am always studying about something science-related.  I find the sciences absolutely fascinating, so I’m sure I will love teaching it.  This career will also support my dancing on the side, but I am so afraid that it will take over and not allow me to dance.  I can’t let that happen.  I am at a point now, though, where I need to get out of my parents’ house at all cost, and this is the quickest way to do it.

I went on a date last night, and it was awesome!  This is a guy that I met several months ago online.  I was crazy about him the moment I saw his picture, and I had to meet him.  He gets better every time I hang out with him, but I have turned him down to date two other guys and he teases me about that.  I told him last night that I am afraid to fall for him because of our differences in religious beliefs.  They aren’t too far off, but for a fanatical religious person, my views are not okay.  My best relationship was destroyed because of this issue, and I am so afraid to be hurt like that again.  I like him so much that I know how bad it would hurt to be hurt by him.  So, for now, we are just taking things slow.  I like that.

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Motion

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  We know this to be true from Newton’s third law of motion, but what about the reactions we can’t calculate?  I believe that everything we do has an affect on something or someone else, good or bad.  It is sometimes impossible to know what these affects or reactions are, but I think about this all of the time.  How many times does a simple act like smiling at a stranger cause a chain reaction or an unexpected opposite reaction?

If you have been following my postings, you know that I am eagerly waiting for my boyfriend to let me know the verdict of our relationship.  He has acted on an immature impulse and decided that he no longer has feelings for me.  Instead of trying to work through his confusion, he has regressed to a depressive state and questioned whether or not we should continue.  He assured me that he still loves me, and I gave him three weeks to do his soul searching before I decide it’s time for me to let my heart heal and move on.  That was Thursday.  It has been three days.

Wow, I just realized it has only been three days.  It feels like an eternity.

Anyway, you never know when something so simple and innocent will affect someone else so harshly.  Today, I was sitting in the sauna with my sister upstairs, and there was a loud knock on the door which interrupted our conversation.  My heart jumped and I panicked hoping that it was HIM.  When I saw that it was not him, but my next door neighbor, I began to cry and had some trouble breathing.  My neighbor would have never known that simply knocking on my door would trigger my pain and cause me such anxiety.  And, as I tried to calm myself down, I silently cursed him for doing this to me and thought of this phenomena of how every action causes something else to happen and sometimes the reactions do not make any sense unless you know the details behind it.

So, could a baby crying set of a chain of events that cause a person to die a few days later a few cities away?  Could a two-dollar gift to a homeless man cause a wedding on the other side of the country?  Could a flap of a butterfly’s wings cause a hurricane on the other side of the world?  I don’t write this story to make someone feel that they have to walk on eggshells.  The point is not to be in a constant state of worry.  The point is just to be aware of the invisible force that drives our world.  You just never know how your positive or negative actions can cause positive or negative reactions.  I don’t know if everything happens for a reason or if I believe in Karma.  It’s nice to think that I will be rewarded for an act of kindness sometimes.

We have no idea how we affect each other and the world around us.  There are so many factors that go into each action, decision, thought, expression…  Some chemical, genetic, environmental factors…  Have you ever done something and thought, why did I do that or say that?  How do we know that there wasn’t some outside force that triggered it which was triggered by something else and set off a whole chain of events that was interrupted and rerouted by another chain of events coming from another direction?

Just something to think about.

How do I know that HIS actions aren’t just a collossal build-up of all of this chaos in the world?  Or is this simply a case where I need him to take responsibility for what he is doing to me?  I’m trying so hard to be patient and understanding, but I’ve been there before, and I did not handle it this way.