Too Many Passions

I could seriously sit and write 24-7 and still not get all of my thoughts out. It’s frustrating how much goes on in my head that I just don’t have time to get on paper. So, what do I do? I just avoid writing altogether. I really need to stop doing that! As an entrepreneur, I am always coming up with new ideas, and I cannot physically chase them all. The past couple of years have been incredible and also boringly stable. It’s amazing. Instead of writing all the time, I’ve been trying to build businesses to free my husband and I from a life of slaving away for others.

That’s right!

My husband!


After the craziness that was my dating life, he finally found me, chased me, and married me… on St. Patrick’s Day 2016. He is absolutely wonderful. Now, I am pregnant and due this March! A baby boy coming right before our two-year anniversary.

I feel guilty that I haven’t been excited about this. We weren’t trying, and I for some reason thought I would have fertility issues. I wanted to wait until we got into out house first… But, here we are. My belly is huge, our closing date keeps getting pushed back, my body is changing for the worse, and I’m getting the shit kicked out of my insides. It is exciting, but I’m more terrified than I am excited. And, I hate that I may never look good in a bathing suit ever again. I miss my mobility and ballet and not being in pain. I’m concerned that I don’t really have a lot of emotional highs or lows about being pregnant. It’s just happening to me, and I don’t really know what to think. My mom asks if I have developed an emotional attachment to the baby yet, and I’m like, “No, should I?” I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that there’s a human being growing inside of me. A person with his own personality and journey. Maybe that’s just how it is the first time you are pregnant: you spend the whole nine months trying to understand what’s happening to you.

Or maybe I’m just weird.

There are so many women out there who can’t get pregnant and want to, and here I am pregnant, due in two months, and kind of excited about it and really scared. What’s wrong with me? The baby shower is this Saturday, and I hope I can look happy.

I did finally have a mommy moment the other night where I realized that I am about to have a child that I cannot be there for. I will have to work seven days a week, the hubby five days a week, and he will be cared for by his grandmas. It tore me to pieces that I am about to be offered an incredible job opportunity that I have to take instead of be there for this new life that my body is creating who will need me. I am just hoping and praying that my side businesses will pick up and be able to replace the full time job, so I can work part time and be a mommy.

Maybe that’s why I’m not really excited… because I feel I have already failed at being a good mother. How can you even be a mother if you’re never around?

And that brings me back to writing. It’s time to start blogging about my business ventures to drive more traffic to those websites. I need to keep up with this anonymous blog as well, because it’s my personal outlet. This is where I can be honest and keep it real.



My sun

I was destroyed
And then you gave me new life
You re-ignited my flame
That so many others left an ember
I waited so long for you to find me
And your dreams finally materialized
You saw me years ago, and despite your turmoil
Never gave up…
You searched
and were deceived
You perished
and wandered towards the light
You conquered
and were reborn
You embarked on a journey
To find that dream from years ago
To search again
To claim your happiness
And now we are united and our stars have aligned
You are my sun
I am your moon
Soul mates for all of eternity past and future
A love I never thought existed right before my eyes

Feedback appreciated! :)

Maybe I’m still in love, or maybe I’m just man hungry. I am trying so hard to move on but it feels like I am betraying my own heart. Some days, being single is fun. I run my own life and make my own schedule. I don’t have to justify or explain myself to anyone. I can change my plans whenever I need to. However, I don’t have anyone to love or share life with. It’s pretty lonely sometimes.

I have been wondering lately if it’s low self- esteem, if I’m depressed or desperate, or if I’m just really ready to find him. I’m not entirely sure, but I get so discouraged when I feel I have made successful flirtatious eye-contact with a guy a few times and he doesn’t come talk to me. I am trying so hard to learn how to give off that “I’m available vibe” because I’ve always sucked at it. However, I have also learned that the type of guys I’m usually attracted to are generally very intimidated by me. So, I’ve been wondering, since I’m getting a litte older now, should I start taking more initiative? If I see a guy who I think I would hit it off with but that I think would be too scared to talk to me, should I just walk right up to him and start a conversation? There is this guy that I’ve been kind of crazy about for a long time. He’s Super cute, nerdy, fun, tall, and just very unique. We went out a few times and really hit it off, but he moves so slow that I thought he had lost interest and I started dating someone else. Moving slow is great, but it is possible to go too slow. Well, I have never been able to stop thinking about him, so last night I decided to let him know what I have been thinking and I apologized for not saying something sooner. He said that he felt the same for me but that he was currently dating someone. ūüė¶ THAT SUCKS! Had either one of us been more forward and not so damn scared, we might be in a very awesome relationship right now. I know that I can’t just wait around for him, even though I don’t feel that way about many guys, so I am trying to date around some.

There is this guy I met while walking my dog a few weeks ago. He stopped me to ask about my puppy and we chatted for a few minutes. I really wanted him to like ask me out for coffee sometime, but he didn’t. I saw him once more on my day off when he was on his way to work and it was just simple small talk. He asked about my dog, and I asked about his. I couldn’t hear him very well both times I saw him because both times, my hearing aid battery died, Coincidence? ugh! So frustrating! So, here’s my brilliant idea…

I thought I’d leave a note by the elevator with a picture of my dog and phone number that says, “Dear Pepper, I really enjoyed meeting you the other day and would like to see you again. I think you’re really cute. Here’s my cell. Text me sometime.  -Bruno.” He has a female dog and I have a male dog so I thought that would be a cute idea. But I don’t know if that would be strange. What do you think?

Single once again… so what’s new?

I’m ready to give up on men for good or just marry someone I kinda like. I broke things off with the recent guy because it was the right thing to do. He is an ass, and I’m better off… right?  I won’t ever really marry someone just because.  I’m not that dumb, but sometimes it seems there are no more decent men left who don’t already have kids. 

He was a total jerk. He was impatient with my hearing loss (like I can help it), and claimed I didn’t give him enough time to adjust to it.  Puh-lease.  You don’t have to grunt and throw your hands in the air and say “I’m looking right at you” when I don’t hear you. And, he claimed I never made him feel like he was a part of my life. I f*cking lived with him!  My whole life was him and work! That’s it!!!  Apparently, I didn’t invite him to everything or my plans would change last minute, and he would be excluded (not on purpose).  You know, there are just some things I assume you do as a couple, especially when you live together.  I don’t think I should have to formally invite him to everything but maybe I’m wrong.  If we had not lived together, then yeah. You need to know more of what I expect… I dunno.

I was not perfect, but I seriously took the time to look at myself and “fix” the things he didn’t like.  He was shocked when I said I was moving out because he said he was so happy.  Well, that was news to me because I thought I was incredibly annoying to him!  He would “call me out” for “doing dumb shit all the time” like it was his job to make me feel like an idiot. I started a whole new career and my job is one of the most demanding jobs you can have. It takes a few years to not feel like you’re drowning every day, and he could not understand that! He felt like he “was not a priority.”  You know what? Paying bills so you can live is a priority!!!!! I’m sorry you’re so fucking immature and insecure that you need to feel included by someone else all the time.  I tried so hard to “fix” that and almost lost my job over it, and he doesn’t see it. 

Now, he was supportive and would help me do small tasks foe work and run to the store if I needed something.  He was always there for me physically but cut me down at the same time.  It just made me feel crazy.

The other thing that made me CRAZY was that unwanted male attention was always my fault somehow.  I made this guy my world.  I was NOT and am actually still not interested in anyone else.  There are guys who like to message me online or text me. I can’t control that. All I can do is just not engage in the conversation or just be polite with them and tell them I’m not interested. None of that seems to be good enough.  One guy in particular never goes away no matter what I say or don’t say, and somehow I am leading him on. WTF?!?!

Another time, a 19 year old I worked with messaged me on Facebook asking for a photo in my scrubs because his friends didn’t believe he worked with me. I was a beauty queen title holder of the city we worked in. I though the guy was gay and he is 10 years younger than me so I thought nothing of it.  I said I would snap a photo sometime if I had a chance.  The recent boyfriend happened to see the conversation and FREAKED OUT.  I can understand his initial concerns since he has been cheated on a lot, but he jumped to the worst conclusion and would not listen to the fact that the guy was gay.  Instead,  he went and checked out the dude’s facebook to prove to me that he wasn’t gay and accuse me of flirting with him. WTF?!?!?!?!?! He’s a f*cking kid!  I never cared to check out his facebook. I just assumed he was gay because of how he acted at work. Why the hell would I flirt with a gay dude?!  I thought I was just being nice to a kid I worked with. I happen to feel really sorry for gay guys because of the shit my best friend has gone through in his life for being gay. I’m sure I would have eventually figured it out but whatever. I was NOT flirting with this kid. He’s not even attractive. Apparently I’m “too nice.”  The ex is offended by how nice I am to people, because guys will think I’m flirting with them.  My flirting is pretty damn obvious and being nice is not flirting. It’s just being a nice human being. I’m a nice person and I like to be nice to people. F*cking sue me.

I wish I didn’t love him so much. Sounds kind of odd for me to say that after typing all of this, but I do.

I hate sleep

There are things we love
And things we hate

And things we both love and hate

Sleep has become one of those things for me.

It feels so good to be sleepy and to succumb to the sleep that takes us over each night.

However, I don’t like it anymore and wrestle with this human part of me daily.

Sleep robs time from my love. I never get enough time with him and never will in this finite world of ours. Merely sleeping next to him is just not enough. We lose our senses and concept of reality and thus each other when we sleep. I sleep better with him there next to me, but I want more. I will never get enough of him.

Flowers and Fairy Tales

ImageLove is not really what I thought it would be. ¬†Maybe everyone realizes this at some point, but I always wanted it to be different for me. ¬†I still tell myself that it will be different; that I will not be in one of those relationships where all they do is find ways to make each other miserable or make fun of each other to their friends. ¬†I don’t understand how or when love turns sour for people. ¬†Anyway, love has not turned sour for me, but it’s not what I thought it would be either. ¬†I have more happy days than not, but I don’t feel that I have landed my happily ever after like every girl dreams. ¬†I know why fairy tales were invented. ¬†Their purpose is for adults to lie to themselves about the realities they live in and to mask those realities from their children. ¬†They think that by lying to their children it will pave a better path for them. ¬†Giving people false hope not only fucks with their heads eventually, but it also makes them even more devastated when they do learn of the truth.

I never did completely buy into the fairy tales, but I hoped I could make one for myself. ¬†Maybe I still can. ¬†I wonder sometimes if life would be better serving myself and only myself. ¬†Making myself happy is hard enough, so how is making someone else happy going to be any easier? ¬†It seems to be quite difficult sometimes. ¬†It’s like telling a frog and a flamingo to live their lives happily together. ¬†They don’t even speak the same language. ¬†

I wish sometimes that a marriage could have been arranged for me.  That way we would be starting together on the same foot and we would make love happen not just wait for it.  Some people believe that love is a choice.  Others believe it chooses you.  I wonder if love is like a flower versus a seed.  One of them is very pretty when you find it and stays very pretty for a while before it quickly dries up and dies.  The other, with care and nurturing, grows to be something very beautiful with deep solid roots.  It can reproduce and bloom over and over again.

One time, love slapped me in the face.  I had no choice in the matter, and he ended up being a very evil person.  He was my friend of nine years, and one day, I saw him differently.  My heart was pierced for him one day and it never healed.  Tearing myself away from that was one of the hardest but smartest things I ever did.  If you can choose to love someone, why not choose someone whom you think is worthy to spend the rest of your days with?

Well, what can I say… I want the best of both worlds. ¬†I want to fall in love and it be with someone who is absolutely magnificent. ¬†In a way, I believe I have done just that. ¬†He is amazing in so many ways, but life is hard. ¬†Bills are hard to pay, but I love him. ¬†I know he will be the provider soon. ¬†That is who he is. ¬†I understand why women seduce rich men. ¬†It makes life easier. ¬†But, I am not dishonest like those women and my heart cannot lie. ¬†I am also a fighter, and I want to fight for us. ¬†I want to fight for all of the love that others have lost because people lost their faith. ¬†I want to find all of that lost love and keep it safe. ¬†I never want to lose love again. ¬†I don’t believe my heart could take it. ¬†

Maybe that’s why it hurts me so much when he is not happy. ¬†He doesn’t understand how it pains me to upset him or see him unhappy, whether it was because of me or not. ¬†We oftentimes have these misunderstandings or disagreements, and they cut me so deeply. ¬†It’s not what he says that cuts me, though. ¬†He is not harsh towards me. ¬†It is just that in those moments happiness leaves temporarily, and that is what sucks life out of me. ¬†I don’t even know why. ¬†

Most people understand that disagreements happen. ¬†There are highs and lows in relationships. ¬†I do know this. ¬†However, it still kills me when the lows come. ¬†A low means that I have failed again. ¬†I tell myself that I can not fail. ¬†It’s actually more of a commandment to myself. ¬†I have no idea where this comes from; why I am so hard on myself. ¬†It would be easier if he owned me and commanded me rather than having to be my own person and stand for myself. ¬†I know how crazy that sounds.

I love him so much but fear that I cannot be perfect enough for him.  I just want happiness.  I want flowers that never die and fairy tales that never end.

I lost me

I sometimes wonder where I’m going in life. ¬†I wonder who I am and what my purpose is here. ¬†I used to think I was unique… that I was some kind of gift to this world. ¬†I now feel that I am just like everybody else… ¬†just one of a few billion. ¬†I am slowly losing my zest for life. ¬†The stresses of being an adult are getting to me. ¬†I’m a student, a waitress, a daughter, a girlfriend, an activist for charities, and trying to keep up with my fitness for dance. ¬†It’s just too much.

I thought I was a unique individual. ¬†Now, here I am trying to prove myself to man. ¬†I used to be that unique girl that men wanted and that wanted no matter what my shortcomings were. ¬†Maybe I still am and just don’t see it. ¬†I feel that my loss of uniqueness means that I am viewed as more of a failure than I used to be, or that I have more to prove than I used to. ¬†I understand that everyone has to prove themselves trustworthy, and that takes time. ¬†I guess I just can’t explain how I feel at the moment. ¬†Words are failing me. ¬†Oh the irony.

I feel that I fail him a lot and I’m not sure if it’s because I take things the wrong way or if I really am failing and disappointing him. ¬†I have come to love him very much and I know he loves and cares for me. ¬†He shows me more than he says it. ¬†He seems to have everything I want in someone plus that special something that makes me always have those emotional highs. ¬†I don’t know if there is something wrong with me, or if we are just on different wavelengths and misunderstand each other all the time. ¬†We talk much more than any other relationship I’ve been in, and we don’t fight, so we are communicating well, but maybe just not effectively? ¬†

I don’t know. ¬†

I want to be loved, protected, trusted, coveted… ¬†I want to be the only woman a man desires and the only one that can fulfill those desires satisfactorily. ¬†Something has happened to me, and I don’t know what that is. ¬†I used to be that woman and I no longer am. ¬†I need to figure out where that uniqueness went and what exactly it was. ¬†I thought I knew myself better now. ¬†He says he has been trying to figure me out. ¬†How can he if I can’t even figure me out? ¬†I know what I want from someone. ¬†I just don’t know what I want from myself anymore…¬†I guess in the midst of this whole “running from religion” process, I actually lost me.