What I really want to say to him…

…but I just can’t bring myself to.  There’s still a huge part of me that is hanging on. No part of me wants to move on except for that small part that is in survival mode and knows this will kill me if I let it.  That part of me will win soon.  I can’t control it.  Survival will take over…  Anyway, here it goes…

I thought you were the most amazing man in the world. Then I realized that the most amazing man would not have let me go.  The most amazing man would not have chosen himself over me.  The most amazing man is not that selfish.  I need to let go of who I thought you were and realize what I see now.  It’s time for me to move on and let the real most-amazing-man-in-the-world find me.

I know your fear is that I will feel neglected by you, but YOU have control over that!  You are a main ingredient in US, and YOU have the power to make US work.  However, you chose not to even try.  You just gave up.  Coward.

You know, there is a far worse feeling than being neglected by you.  There was one time when I felt you didn’t want to be around me, and that stung, My heart sunk a little, but then I realized I was misinterpreting the situation.  Anyway, I do understand that feeling of neglect, and I have felt it many times from others, but there is something worse.  Being completely rejected by the man you care about more than anything is far worse.  It is comparable to being rejected by my dad as a child.  He didn’t just neglect me, he completely rejected me.  He gave up his rights as a father so that he could go live the life he wanted.  I don’t get why you wanted to can us so bad when you had someone who was so willing to figure this out with you!

I was SO WILLING to go with you and figure this out together, because that’s what great couples do, and that’s what I thought we were: a GREAT couple. I’ve never wanted that with anyone.

So, I have been dealing with the feelings of being completely and utterly rejected for something that will ultimately be very unfulfilling.  How do you compare a person to an artistic passion?  That is just asinine. Nothing is better than being with the person you connect with on such a deep level. Nothing is more fulfilling than building a life with that person, and it hurts so bad that I have been denied that.  The absurdity of choosing a THING over ME… just… hurts.  You have chosen to destroy something that had the potential to be so awesome.  I don’t know anyone who would give that up for anything.  We could have been two artists living the dream together and figuring out how to make that work together one day at a time.  You have let your fears ruin the best thing that ever happened to you, and for that, I feel so sorry for you.  I do hope you find it again when you are ready, but why would you take that risk?! WHY? Some never find it.  It took me 12 years to find you.  I can’t imagine another day without you… but now I have to.  I have no choice.  I just pray it doesn’t take that long again to find another you.

You broke up with me.  You don’t get to see me anymore. YOU made that choice.  I know you want to hang out and be friends, but I can NOT do that to myself.  My heart can not take it.  You want to have something with me with no commitment.  No strings attached.  Sorry, I refuse to be used like that.  I want something different.  I want what I thought we had.  If the thought of me being with someone else is so gross to you, then fucking do something about it.  If you really have feelings for me like you say, and you really miss me, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate why you did what you did.  It just makes absolutely NO sense at all.  And, I am just a hair from disappearing from your life for good.

I will end up being that girl who holds on for dear life, the girl that hopes he will come around and thinks that if she just gives him what he wants, he will change his mind.  No.  I will not be that girl, but I will turn into her if I keep you in my life.  I had a nightmare last night about you.  I dreamt that I took you to the airport.  I kissed you at the security checkpoint, told you I loved you for the first time, and watched you walk away.  That would be the final tear in this thing that has been ripping me apart.  I can NOT do that to myself.  I just can’t.  This dream was a premonition of what is to come for me if I continue on this path and I won’t have it come true.

You said you gave me four months.  Really?  Like I should feel so blessed to have had four months?!  60 YEARS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TIME WITH YOU!  You were the most amazing man in the world to me.  Not anymore.  I guess I was wrong.  It’s time for me to move on.

Goodbye.

When life throws you a curveball…

When Life Throws You a Curveball...

After moping around for a week, eating almost nothing but ice cream, and trying to figure out what the f*ck happened, I decided to talk to my dad. He was just completely stupefied by why anyone would choose improv comedy over someone as wonderful as me. Now, I know he is my dad, but my dad is not and never was that parent who believed the sun shined out of his kid’s ass. He is a very realistic person who knows what he wants in life and works hard for what he has. He knows what my faults are, and I always felt somewhat inadequate like he looked upon me as a failure at life.  I know he loves me and would do anything for me, because he has, but I don’t ever hear the words, “I’m proud of you” from him.  So, I believe his compliments on the rare occasions that I get them.  When my dad has something to say, I listen, because he doesn’t offer advice often.  And, he doesn’t just say stuff to make me feel good.

It’s also easy for me to believe what he says, because he is kind of an outsider.  He is my step dad although he did adopt me when my biological father gave up his parental rights when I was 12. So, yeah, it made absolutely no sense to him why this guy would break up with me to chase something he only discovered he loved FIVE months ago.  He said that, to him, it is so stupid to give up a life with me to chase something with no guarantee and where the odds are so against you.  He said, “being dirt poor gets old real fast, and who wants to live on welfare when they are older because they didn’t save for retirement when they could have?”  He actually understood why I chased my dream for as long as I did because I spent most of my life training for it.  I thought he looked down on me all these years.  My dad told me what a catch I am and how any man would be so lucky to have me.

Wow.  I didn’t realize that my dad thought so highly of me.  He thought this guy was the luckiest man alive to have had me for the time he did and the dumbest man alive to throw it away.  My dad concluded that he really doesn’t know me at all, because if he did, he wouldn’t have let me go.  My dad was just beside himself because he could not make sense of it all, and my dad has a genius level IQ, mind you… None of my explanations to defend him held any water with my dad whatsoever.

I needed that talk.  It gave me so much clarity.  I understand chasing a dream because I’ve done it, but at some point, you have to be realistic.  He gave up the best thing that ever happened to him, and for what?  To take a stab in the dark and hope for the best?  That can either make me feel completely worthless, or I can look at it as “he really is nuts.”  Or, this guy actually doesn’t think we are a match and won’t tell me that for whatever reason.  I do know what a catch I am.  It was just so reassuring to hear it from my dad, a man whom I respect and who so many people look up to.

I still think this guy is pretty effin’ amazing, but each day that goes by is one more strike against him if he ever does change his mind.  And, that’s not because I’m angry.  Time and distance just does that.  I will not chase him, so as far as he’s concerned, I’m gone.  My heart is still tied up with him, but there’s only so much time left before that is permanently damaged.  I can’t control that.  We may talk or hang out eventually, but I will be no one’s fuck buddy.  I am so much better than that and deserve so much more.  Sex for me is reserved for committed relationships only.  I tried that once, and I’ve decided not to play that game ever again.  I did consider it with him, but why the hell would I do that to myself?!  Alright, enough of that…

You know, there aren’t a lot of women anymore who are career-minded and incredibly driven but also want to be homemakers, actually raise their own kids, take care of their man in every way, who are patient and selfless, and who are independent as well… women who are fun, always looking for ways to spice things up, who are beautiful and loyal, and who genuinely show interest and support the passions of the men they love… women who respect their men in every way and always look for opportunities to show the world just how lucky they are to have him… women who don’t always have to be right and thrive on communication and compromise because it makes them better together.

We had so much potential to be incredible together.  I hope that finds me again.  I know that amazing men are pretty rare, but amazing women are even more hard to come by.  I sure hope he finds what he’s looking for, and I hope what he finds is worth what he lost.

(I also really hope he’s not reading my blog anymore)

another colossal embarrassment

I got my nails done today, which is not something I do often. It’s a small thing that helps me feel beautiful in the midst of feeling rejected. The lady doing my nails was super sweet and randomly asked me if I had a boyfriend.

I just said “no.”

She asked “why?” and said, “you’re so beautiful!”

Sigh…

I said, “Because he broke up with me last night.”

I began to tear up and she felt terrible for asking. She sincerely apologized and then paused and said, “you love him right?”

I guess she could see it in my eyes.

Since English is not her first language, I knew I couldn’t explain the complexity of my feelings, so in a split second I had to decide, “how did I really feel about this man?”

I whispered, “yeah… yeah… I do.” and the tears came streaming down. I let myself feel the love that I was too afraid to always let myself feel and felt my heart break at the same time. I was so good at keeping that in check and keeping my heart guarded, but what’s the use now? He’s gone. The most amazing man in my life is gone.

There’s no sense in fearing it anymore. I don’t know what’s worse: fearing loving someone or loving them too late and never getting to say it. It doesn’t matter, now, because I was never going to say it first anyway. Now I have to let myself fall in and out of love at the same time. Shit.

She rubbed my hands and continued to talk to me like my best friend would. It was so good to have an understanding friend for a few minutes while having my nails done. She could really feel my pain and she had some very good things to say to me. She sure made a customer out of me.

I had a film shoot today for an independent movie. I was almost two hours late because I couldn’t get the swelling in my face to go down enough to put makeup on and look decent. Thank god my character called for wearing my reading glasses. And thank god my character was supposed to be an absolute bitch. That was pretty easy for me today. Ha! I was able to blow off some steam, which helped temporarily until going to the nail salon. I’ve been eating too much ice cream. I made myself sick with Braum’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream on my way to the shoot and then drank a soda when I got there. That’s far from normal for me. I’m a health nut. Emotions for the win.

My heart feels pretty sick right now and I’m being bombarded with gentleman callers. I don’t know whether to move on and stay distracted by going out on a couple of dates, or if I should give myself some time. I don’t want to be with anyone right now. This fucking sucks. I just want that happy healthy relationship! I’m in no rush to get married or have kids. I just want to care for and love someone and be loved and cared for in return! Is that so much to ask for?!

I’m the one everyone thought would be married with the perfect family by now. I’m gonna be well past 30 before I ever see any of that! Every failed relationship is just another colossal embarrassment. I’m sure guys are going to start wondering, “shit, what’s wrong with her? She can get any guy she wants. So, how come no one seems to want her?”

Like I said, my search is over. To my future husband: if you really exist, come find me. When you do, I’m sorry for how hard I’m going to make it for you. You can thank all the men before you who said I was amazing like you do, but who one day suddenly turned on me.

I’m sorry. It’s going to take me a really long time to trust you, whoever you are.

I need to dance. I’m taking my pointe shoes to the gym. There’s no sense in trying to sleep tonight.

A Change of Heart

Since writing about there “being no one for me if this guy doesn’t work out,” I’ve really been thinking about that.  Something very interesting happened to me recently that I thought I would share, and it made me change my mind about this whole giving up on love thing…

I was in a short film recently where I had to play a very emotional role and cry on cue.  I have a difficult time with making fake tears, so I always have to find something inside me that devastates me to the point of tears.  What did I focus on?  The last guy who shattered my heart and how horrible it felt.  I wondered for a while after the shoot if I still wasn’t over him.  I quickly realized that was not the case.  I pretty much hate him.  I also realized how that was my rock bottom.  I got through it and it still hurts if I think about it too hard, but unless my future husband has an affair, I don’t think I will ever hit that rock bottom again.  Why?  Because I’m better than that.

I will never again put my whole heart into someone until I know without a doubt that he not only wants it but will give his whole heart to me as well.  I’ve never been so guarded before, but all this pain sure did teach me a lesson.  It’s almost like I can’t even control it.  My heart is literally still bruised and healing and will not budge right now, and that’s okay.  I am dating a wonderful man now and enjoying getting to know him without either of us rushing anything.  It’s awesome!  I think my fear of him hurting me is helping me keep my guard right where it needs to be.

I do not need any man to complete me or make me happy.  I have so many other things in my life to do that for me.  I am confident in my own skin and know that any man would be lucky to have me.  I believe this new boyfriend of mine sees that, and I think that’s what he likes about me. I do, however, want an amazing man to share my exciting life with.  And, I want to be with someone who is equally as interesting.  I think I finally found that balance in my relationship!

I feel now that if this relationship ended, I would be sad, but not devastated. I put my whole heart into that last relationship way too fast thinking that was it.  I’m not doing that this time, because I finally realize that good men are not so hard to find.  I think I’ve found me a spectacular one, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find another one if this one flakes out.  This is a good place for me to be right now.  I care about him very much and do many things to show him that.  I am definitely holding up my end of the relationship and then some, because I am a very giving person.  However, I am holding my heart back a little until the time is right.

I found hope again.  I gave up on love once, and I won’t do it again.

Singles awareness day

I hope you all had a wonderful Singles Awareness Day!  Mine pretty much sucked.  That one guy I had a little bit of hope for told me that he met someone else he’s crazy about.  So that’s it… Single for me for a long time…

That guy and my sister didn’t work out either.  He left a day early.  I was sad for her, but relieved that I could sleep again.  I knew he wasn’t her type.

It snowed here the other night.  And what did I do?  I stood outside in it and cried.  We never get snow, so when we do, it’s usually a very exciting thing.  I tried to dance in it to cheer myself up, but I found myself unable to move as a sadness fell over me.  My heart was crying out to him… the man I’m supposed to be with… my ultimate soulmate.  I let myself call out to him and could feel his heart breaking.  I hoped that by speaking into the wind that his heart might sense mine calling to him.  I tried to console him and tell him that I am still waiting for him.  I told him to not give up and to please come find me, because I’m too broken to keep searching.

I don’t know who he is or what he looks like, but a very small part of me still believes he’s out there somewhere and that he will find me. I just hope he does before I really don’t want to be with anyone anymore.  There are a few men in my life that are pursuing me, but I just don’t feel it with them.  I have developed some feelings for my best friend, but I just don’t think he’s the right one for me.  I know it hurts him that I think this way, but he knows I do.  Maybe things will change, but I don’t see us together.  It sure would be an interesting story if we ended up together.  He’s just too young for me.

I’m so thankful to have yoga, ballet, and my family right now.  I would not survive this season of my life without them.  And, thank you all out there for reading my thoughts.  Sending them out there really is comforting for some reason, even if no one comments.