What is?

What may seem it was
really is
What may seem it is
really was
What was then
is really now
What is now is not but yet to come

What are these tricks we play?
How many do we have to count to bring forth this life?

What really IS?
What is not?


My dating philosophy… this is good. READ IT!

I’ve been trying to figure out why my relationships fail and what I have been doing this past year that has caused them to end in similar ways.  I used to have very long and very good relationships that just ended for whatever reason.  That wasn’t working for me, so I began to try something different, which is also not working.  I discovered something this morning after waking up at 4:30am with a massive headache unable to fall back asleep.  It’s amazing the things you come up with when you cannot fall asleep.

I discovered that I have a view that all men are pretty stupid.  This plays out in my relationships in the following way:  I tend to give men all the information they need to successfully chase, date, and keep me.  I figured that if they have all this information up front or pretty soon into the relationship, and they still screw up, then they are just f*cking morons.  I’ve always sucked at playing games like “hard-to-get” and all the other things women do to keep a man’s attention.  I just want to be open, honest, and be in a good healthy relationship.  Well, most people aren’t as straightforward with who they are as I am, so it’s time for me to change the way I approach dating.

Here’s what I realized about my upfront policy…  Let’s take a look at how men operate.  For the most part, they hate asking for directions and hate looking at instructions for anything.  They like to figure things out on their own and successfully build something without anyone, including a piece of paper, telling them how to do it.  They get this sick satisfaction of doing something on their own and being a success without help.  They like to conquer things alone and take all the credit for doing so.  So how does this translate into relationships?  THEY DON’T WANT THE INSTRUCTIONS!!!!  No matter how many times men say they just want a woman to be open and honest and not play games, they really do want that.  Why? Because it’s f*cking exciting to them!  It’s a thrill to chase and conquer.  They don’t want everything upfront, because there’s nothing to conquer and figure out at that point.  It becomes boring to them.

Men are simple.  Give them food, sex, and let them figure things out on their own.  Well, as long as they think they did it on their own, they feel like a superstar… kind of like the two year old that says “NO MOMMY! I CAN DO IT!”  However, you still kinda help the two-year old in a clever way in which they think they did it on their own.  This is why women always get what they want… they raise the kids and understand this psychological complex.  Women are very smart creatures if they allow themselves to be.  I’m not saying that women need to treat men like two-year-olds.  However, there are some striking similarities.

Okay, that was the good part of this post.  I would love to your thoughts, so please comment below. Now, here is a relationship update:

I still have not heard from him.  It has been two weeks, and he has disappeared completely.  I made this mistake with him.  I gave him everything, and he lost feelings for me.  Now, I am not saying that this is entirely my fault.  What I am saying is that I should have done some things differently, because I would not have been as hurt in the end.  He told me that he absolutely HATED games, yet he spent all his time playing computer games.  Relationship games and computer games aren’t exactly the same, but you can draw some good parallels between the two.  Emotional immaturity or instability is rampant in men who game constantly.  That should have been my first red flag.  There are very few exceptions.  He also said he loved me after about three or four dates.  That shows me impulsiveness and immaturity, because you cannot know someone well enough that quickly no matter how many countless hours you have talked.  He made that decision based on an emotion, and that’s a recipe for disaster.  I knew better, but I kept going.

He also told me that he had been in love twice before and did not lose the feelings with them.  Those girls did not make themselves as available as I did.  So that translates to them being more exciting, because he always had to chase them.  He didn’t know what to do with a girl who doesn’t play games.  Eventually, men do get tired of the games and they just want to win. This is the point at which you get engaged and married.  This is the scary part, because there’s no more chasing and they have won.  Well, what happens when a two-year-old finally gets that toy he’s been throwing a fit about?  He plays with it for a few minutes, gets tired of it, and looks for a new interesting toy.  Some men actually grow up and realize they have the best thing in the world and they want to hold onto it.  I’m pretty smart about relationships, but I have no idea what to do if I ever get to that point.  Based on my last few experiences, men run away once they win the game.  I think there are still ways to keep things interesting for him once there’s a ring on your finger, but this still scares me.  I don’t think I could survive emotionally if my husband had an affair.

For now, I am going to approach dating with a whole new perspective.  I don’t know why it took me so long to understand this concept.  Some women just get it, but I feel I have really learned it.  I am first taking time for me before starting a relationship again, but I plan on cultivating some friendships in the meantime.  All good relationships start with a solid friendship.  I need to get back to that principle.  I used to be really good about that one.

Time to try to sleep for an hour before attacking a very long day.


For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  We know this to be true from Newton’s third law of motion, but what about the reactions we can’t calculate?  I believe that everything we do has an affect on something or someone else, good or bad.  It is sometimes impossible to know what these affects or reactions are, but I think about this all of the time.  How many times does a simple act like smiling at a stranger cause a chain reaction or an unexpected opposite reaction?

If you have been following my postings, you know that I am eagerly waiting for my boyfriend to let me know the verdict of our relationship.  He has acted on an immature impulse and decided that he no longer has feelings for me.  Instead of trying to work through his confusion, he has regressed to a depressive state and questioned whether or not we should continue.  He assured me that he still loves me, and I gave him three weeks to do his soul searching before I decide it’s time for me to let my heart heal and move on.  That was Thursday.  It has been three days.

Wow, I just realized it has only been three days.  It feels like an eternity.

Anyway, you never know when something so simple and innocent will affect someone else so harshly.  Today, I was sitting in the sauna with my sister upstairs, and there was a loud knock on the door which interrupted our conversation.  My heart jumped and I panicked hoping that it was HIM.  When I saw that it was not him, but my next door neighbor, I began to cry and had some trouble breathing.  My neighbor would have never known that simply knocking on my door would trigger my pain and cause me such anxiety.  And, as I tried to calm myself down, I silently cursed him for doing this to me and thought of this phenomena of how every action causes something else to happen and sometimes the reactions do not make any sense unless you know the details behind it.

So, could a baby crying set of a chain of events that cause a person to die a few days later a few cities away?  Could a two-dollar gift to a homeless man cause a wedding on the other side of the country?  Could a flap of a butterfly’s wings cause a hurricane on the other side of the world?  I don’t write this story to make someone feel that they have to walk on eggshells.  The point is not to be in a constant state of worry.  The point is just to be aware of the invisible force that drives our world.  You just never know how your positive or negative actions can cause positive or negative reactions.  I don’t know if everything happens for a reason or if I believe in Karma.  It’s nice to think that I will be rewarded for an act of kindness sometimes.

We have no idea how we affect each other and the world around us.  There are so many factors that go into each action, decision, thought, expression…  Some chemical, genetic, environmental factors…  Have you ever done something and thought, why did I do that or say that?  How do we know that there wasn’t some outside force that triggered it which was triggered by something else and set off a whole chain of events that was interrupted and rerouted by another chain of events coming from another direction?

Just something to think about.

How do I know that HIS actions aren’t just a collossal build-up of all of this chaos in the world?  Or is this simply a case where I need him to take responsibility for what he is doing to me?  I’m trying so hard to be patient and understanding, but I’ve been there before, and I did not handle it this way.