Determined to love you forever…

There is a sort of sadness that ensues in the midst of the pure joy you feel when you finally unite with your twin soul. You realize the gravity of that saying “all good things come to an end.”  When you have everything… when you have that fire… you realize that just like the fire that runs its course, so too do the lives of you and your twin flame.

That is the most depressing thought of all.

Finally, Karma was good to me. She finally allowed for us to find one another and experience more love than most people could ever dream of. And one day, she will take that away.  I like to think that a love such as this will never be extinguished; that it will continue to burn beyond death and for all eternity.  However, I don’t know if that’s real or an idea people have to believe in order to keep on living as mortals.

I try so damn hard to live in the present and to just enjoy this indescribable precious thing that I have, but I am constantly reminded that one day, I may not have that anymore. The force which brought us together will decide when we have had our fill and retract. I guess it wasn’t ours to begin with, but why give something so undeniably the greatest thing in the universe and then take it away? How does that even make any sense?

It seems as though the universe finds joy in the greatest of tragedies, or maybe it is only through these tragedies that love like this can exist at all.  Maybe death is what fuels the flame of life and of love.  If that is the case, I have to thank the destruction which allowed me to revel in this intense love for as long as I am privileged to partake of it.

I don’t know how that makes much sense either, but I dread the day that I will pass from this world and leave this love behind. I hope and pray that I can take it along with me or that I will be endowed with another life to find him again.

60 more years with you just doesn’t seam like enough time.  Fuck, a million wouldn’t suffice either.  I need you forever.

Well, life is funny…

I didn’t write much last year, because I sort of gave up.  I lost my passion for life and didn’t care anymore that I wasn’t ever going to meet a great guy.  I barely survived my first year of teaching, which destroyed what I thought was a relationship that was going somewhere, so I was pretty miserable at the start of my summer last year.  I somehow managed to win a state pageant, so I am a state beauty pageant titleholder!  That was the highlight of my year.  Well, that and one other thing that I will get to later…

Let me tell you what happens when you are a state beauty pageant titleholder and you give up on finding a great guy… CRAZY SHIT!!!!

I’ll explain. It started with not being able to get over my ex. I found myself in another relationship that I used to get over that one.  I’ve never done that before, and I knew better, but after seven months of being terribly depressed, I figured I needed to start dating again.  BAD IDEA.  They guy was a really good guy, just definitely not a match for me.  He told me he loved me after a week of officially being boyfriend/girlfriend, and my feelings plateaued after that.  I was very excited about him at first, but that died faster than any guy I’ve ever dated.  I ended up having to get on unemployment, because I couldn’t go back to teaching for health reasons, so my summer was consumed with catching up on sleep I never got for nine months of teaching and utter laziness.  I was so lost and unhealthy. I didn’t know what to do.

Then, I went with my mom to her 30 year high school reunion all the way across the country, and randomly met a super sweet guy.  We just clicked, and he was the perfect example of the nice nerdy guys I used to go for.  He was SUPER cute!  BUT, he was all the way on the other side of the country and I had a boyfriend that I wasn’t excited about.  Just my luck: meet a great guy that I can’t date because he’s too far away.

So, I break up with that boyfriend after three months and decide to date a guy I never considered since I met him four years ago.  He had been trying for four years, and I had given up, so I figured, why not?  He’s hot, and I don’t care what kind of person he is at this point. BAD IDEA. Not only was I right on about this guy being a total player, he has SEVERE narcissictic personality disorder.  I started to feel very strung along after about a month, so I called it quits and he FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!  He started contacting my friends and family on Facebook to try to make me look like a crazy person and started posting horrible things about me on his own Facebook wall.  Geez…  I knew he was nuts, but I had NO IDEA.

Then, I meet this chef guy at a charity event.  I had zero interest at first, but we exchanged cards and a couple weeks later he starts pursuing me hardcore.  He said a lot of very fabulous things, which I bought even though I knew better, and we started dating a little.  I should have seen red flags all over him when he would call me like 10 times a day, but I didn’t care to notice the flags because I just didn’t fucking care anymore.  Well, he invites himself over one night to cook me this gourmet dinner, which I thought was pretty cool.  He then got me drunk, which I’ve only been like twice in my life, and took advantage of me.  I can’t claim rape, because it wasn’t, and I’m a fair and honest person, but he definitely took advantage of the situation like scumbags do.  Anyway, I never make such stupid decisions, but like I said, I just didn’t care anymore.  So, I decided to stick with it and see how it panned out, since I made a stupid decision already… He asked me to be his date to the biggest charity ball that exists out here.  Thousands and thousands of people go to this thing.  I was there volunteering for a couple of hours and he had some networking to do.  Well, it’s time for us to meet up, and it takes me quite a while to find him.  The group I was with and I end up chasing him around this huge place for about an hour until I was so pissed I couldn’t take it anymore.  He treated me like absolute shit and abandoned me!!!! He also hung out with another girl all night and never even got one photo with me, HIS DATE!  He was so rude and so ungentlemanlike, I was shocked.  Who seriously asks Miss _______ to be his date and then abandons her at an event!!!!  Forget the title, who does that to any girl???

So, here I am wondering what the hell his problem is after giving him a chance when he really had none to begin with.  I gave him the benefit of a doubt when he told me about his business and owning restaurants all over the world.  I didn’t realize that there are people who tell such EXTRAVIGANT LIES because they really have nothing and still live with their parents at 35 years old. Geez… What a crazy bastard.  So much shit came out about him after that evening.  I haven’t spoken to him since other than texting.  I told him he lost me as a romantic partner and friend.  He seriously tried to apologize via text!  And, only after I called him out on it and backed him into a corner! Fecking asshole!  Apparently, this is what he does to women.  He always goes after what he can’t have, or he goes for women with incredibly low self-esteem, uses them, and then screws them over big time.  He doesn’t own any restaurants other than a catering company, which isn’t doing well because he’s such a terrible person. The only review he has for his company is a review he posted himself talking about how wonderful he is. BAHAHAHAHA! #classic

Then… are you ready for this? …

I met the most amazing man on the planet.

Seriously, he’s the one. I can feel it.

I gave up, and then he appeared.  Isn’t that how it always happens to people?  They say when you know, you just know. And that’s how I always knew I was with the wrong person. I never just knew, ya know? haha… I digress.  This man is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and kind of reminds me of the guy I met all the way across the country last summer.  Very attractive, but not in a man-whore way, but in a very sweet and cute way.  He has ignited a fire in me that other men have slowly been extinguishing over the years, and I feel like I am flying.  My passions have returned.  I’m writing again, dancing again, working on my spirituality again, learning meditation, and just being happy again.

I also landed my dream job.  It’s a pay cut, but I am so much happier and less stressed.  I am finally excited about life again, and I hope you all find your happiness and passion for life this year!