Sex

I think the rest of my heart died yesterday. I have given up and have stopped searching. I realized that I really cannot go through this again. I physically cannot take being hurt again. I didn’t think I could handle it before being hurt the last time. He really doesn’t understand how he shattered me. I used to think it was good that I have not found anyone yet. I thought I would find someone after all of my friends rushed their relationships and that my relationship would be the one that lasted. Everyone always tells me that I’m too great of a girl to stay single and that it would be such a waste if I stayed single. Well, I’m done with relationships and closed off to new ones. There was hope for one, but I’m not too sure that we have great compatibility. The chemistry is great, but I don’t know how he feels about me. I’ve blown him off for someone else twice, and he says he likes what we have right now, but I don’t hear from him much, so I don’t know. I have dreams about him, so I know I’m excited about him, but I’m not letting my heart go there. I’m terrified, because I know he could really hurt me.

My best friend and I decided to start sleeping together. He and i have been talking about it for a while now. I You don’t want to fuck me right now unless I missed something asked my therapist before making this decision what she thinks of friends with benefits, and she has no problem with it. This friend of mine is a great guy, but he’s not someone I would want to pursue romantically. He’s four years younger than me and I just don’t feel a romantic connection with him. I actually encouraged him to ask for a waitress’ phone number who always flirts with him when we go to this one restaurant. He has had feelings for me in the past, but I think they are gone now.

So, we made this decision two days ago, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t really have an opinion. I don’t feel any more connected to him. It was fun, but I miss sharing that with someone I love. I had a few reservations about it, like not wanting to add to my number of partners and being afraid of being judged by others if anyone found out. I also don’t like putting chemicals into my body (birth control)… I wonder if this is what catapulted me into feeling that I was completely dead yesterday. I come from a background where sex before marriage is always wrong no matter what. I waited until my late 20s to have sex, and I was in love, so I have no regrets.

I don’t feel emotionally damaged from sex, which is something I used to worry about. In fact I feel a lot more mature and educated about it. I also feel that it has helped me work through the sexual abuse I went through as a child and I can better relate to people. I’m actually turned off by men who are 30 and say they are still virgins. Yeah, I met one of those several months ago. It was just strange for some reason! I also feel like more of an adult, because I have stuff in my life that I don’t care to share with my family. Since I still live at home, feeling independent and like an adult is important to me. My mother still tries to rule my life, so I take control by not telling her every detail. I cannot wait to move out this fall!

Maybe I’ll sign up for one of those television dating shows just for fun. Those are such a joke and I might have the opportunity to travel the world and make some friends for free! I’ll probably end up being the one who quits the show when I realize the guy is a total douche bag. For now, my focus is getting that teaching job and moving out on my own!

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Session 3 and a date

I had my third therapy session yesterday, and we barely talked about him.  I think I’m starting to heal and realize that he really wasn’t the right one for me.  I could have made that relationship work if he was in it, and I wanted to, but ultimately I don’t think it’s exactly what I wanted.  We talked mostly about my mom and the damage done to me from that relationship.  It stems from something deeper than her, though.  It goes all the way back to the abuse my grandfather suffered, and it probably goes further than that, but that’s as far as I know.

My great grandfather was verbally abusive to my grandfather and never told him once that he loved him.  I’m sure the abuse was much worse than I know, because my grandfather abused my mother horrifically both verbally and physically.  There was some sexual abuse there as well, but no rape or anything like that.  This damaged my mom beyond anything I think she could ever recover from, so she married into an abusive situation thinking she was escaping her childhood.  That’s where I was damaged.  My mom had great friends, though, who helped her get out of this marriage before a lot of damage could be done.  I suffered some sexual abuse that I remember, but I my siblings don’t remember anything.

My sense of self and identity were greatly damaged from what I am starting to realize.  I have always had a very hard time trusting in my own decisions or making up my mind about anything.  Everything I do is to appease someone else.  My mom has added to this issue by not completely letting me be my own person.  It has taken me well into my adult years to finally start to trust myself and realize that my goals, dreams, decisions, and mistakes are okay and good.  The only thing I’ve really been able to hang onto is dance.  I know that I am a dancer and that can never be taken from me.  However, my dream to dance professionally in New York never came about because I did not have the support I needed to do it.  My parents never wanted me to go and never supported it.  So I spent some time traveling there and auditioning, but you must live there to land jobs.  It still hurts that this dream of mine was shattered.  I have tried to dance and perform locally, and it’s great, but it is not the same.  I don’t feel that I truly lived to my fullest potential, and now my body is getting too old.

So, I have spent the last ten years trying to find something that I love and that my parents support, too.  Now I am working on my teaching certification to teach middle and high school science.  I am always studying about something science-related.  I find the sciences absolutely fascinating, so I’m sure I will love teaching it.  This career will also support my dancing on the side, but I am so afraid that it will take over and not allow me to dance.  I can’t let that happen.  I am at a point now, though, where I need to get out of my parents’ house at all cost, and this is the quickest way to do it.

I went on a date last night, and it was awesome!  This is a guy that I met several months ago online.  I was crazy about him the moment I saw his picture, and I had to meet him.  He gets better every time I hang out with him, but I have turned him down to date two other guys and he teases me about that.  I told him last night that I am afraid to fall for him because of our differences in religious beliefs.  They aren’t too far off, but for a fanatical religious person, my views are not okay.  My best relationship was destroyed because of this issue, and I am so afraid to be hurt like that again.  I like him so much that I know how bad it would hurt to be hurt by him.  So, for now, we are just taking things slow.  I like that.

Session 2

Today was very interesting.  I briefly talked about my last conversation with my ex, cried a little bit, and then realized that it’s not the end of the world.  It’s hard to see that when your in the midst of feeling the hell that is heartbreak.  It really does “feel like a death,” my therapist said.  She identified with me instead of reaming me for everything I did wrong.  She then helped me see that I am a “caretaker” and that may not be what he wanted.  He doesn’t want another mother.  I’m starting to feel as though he just got bored with me.  I was too available, which didn’t feel right to him, because that’s not what he really wants even though that’s what he said he wanted.  I wanted to be there for him and to help him whenever he had troubles.  I wanted him to do the same for me.  I already knew all of this, but I am admitting it all to myself now.  I’m scared to admit it all, because I don’t want to feel responsible for that relationship failing.  He had absolutely no criticism for me, so maybe it wasn’t my fault.  I do understand now why it is so important to take things slow.  The therapist doesn’t think I was really in love since it takes a lot of time to really love someone.  She could be right, but I really do feel that I loved and cared for him deeply and still do.  I just wish I could understand what happened.

After this short conversation about him, we shifted focus on the relationship with my mother.  That is a source of a lot of pain for me, because nothing I do is ever good enough for her and none of my choices are right in her eyes.  She makes me feel completely incapable of making my own decisions and has my sister to back her up.  Therefore, I don’t trust my decisions and frequently second-guess myself.  This is why it has taken me 10 years since graduating high school to finally figure out what I want to do with my life.  I finally found something that I think I will enjoy that is also okay with her.  I will finally be able to move out on my own this fall and be my own person.  I need that more than anything.

My mom likes to give me a lot of unwarranted advice.  I might actually ask her for advice sometimes if she didn’t always throw it at me like an accusation of me being retarded and unable to think for myself.  I know her intentions are good, and she loves me, but I need space to be an adult and live my own life!  It seems that almost every time she opens her mouth about anything, I automatically throw up my wall and start getting offended.  I fight myself so hard to not feel it, show it, and not say a word.  I just sit there and take it and smile and nod.  On the rare occasion that I do say something I’m thinking, it turns into a huge fight and I end up being the crazy selfish person.  I even find myself wanting to do the exact opposite of everything she tells me to do just in spite of her.  I know that’s horrible, but that’s how sick I am of feeling like a child with no wisdom.  I don’t want her taking credit for my successes anymore and I’m not sure why.  Maybe I just want to feel some ownership over my life for once.  I want my mom to just trust in how she raised me and just f*cking let me go be an adult and learn from my own mistakes.  She does have a lot of wisdom, but she never allows me to ask her.  Instead, she shoves it down my throat.  She has backed off some since realizing I never listen to her anyway, but it still sounds like a broken record when she talks.  She says the same shit over and over again.

My therapist drew a conclusion that my mom has unintentionally put me in “her dark place” through her fear of me making her mistakes and destroying my life like she did.  The therapist asked me what would happen if my mom was ever made to realize that her actions were the cause of so much of my sadness/pain/suffering, and I became speechless and started to cry.  I said that it would destroy her if she ever could see that and own it, because she truly loves me and has been through so much anguish in her life already.  I don’t think she could handle that reality.  The therapist then pointed out that caretaker in me.  How ironic.  She said that I keep myself in this little box of trying to be perfect and please my mom and being afraid to confront her with my experience of her.

Any time I do try to talk to my mom about how I feel, it always turns into me being the selfish one that pushes everyone away.  It always turns into a heated argument.  Oh, and apparently I can’t see or understand the affect I have on people.  I’m a pretty self-aware person and pretty receptive to criticism, so that sends me on this thought process where I wonder if I really do have these major issues I can’t see, and if I can’t see them, I must really be batshit insane.  My therapist has made me feel very validated in how I feel about my mom, but then I hear my mom in the back of my head saying, “she doesn’t know you like I do.”  My mom thinks I manipulate everyone into seeing the world as I see it and making her look bad.  I’m really sick of feeling crazy.  I really don’t do that.  My mom is a wonderful mother.  We’ve just had some big issues that have snowballed in the past several years.  I’m more interested in moving out, career, and finding a husband than I am in being her daughter right now.  Once those things in my life settle down, I’ll gravitate back towards her a little…. maybe.

On a more positive note, I have a lunch date tomorrow, and I’m actually looking forward to it.