I think the rest of my heart died yesterday. I have given up and have stopped searching. I realized that I really cannot go through this again. I physically cannot take being hurt again. I didn’t think I could handle it before being hurt the last time. He really doesn’t understand how he shattered me. I used to think it was good that I have not found anyone yet. I thought I would find someone after all of my friends rushed their relationships and that my relationship would be the one that lasted. Everyone always tells me that I’m too great of a girl to stay single and that it would be such a waste if I stayed single. Well, I’m done with relationships and closed off to new ones. There was hope for one, but I’m not too sure that we have great compatibility. The chemistry is great, but I don’t know how he feels about me. I’ve blown him off for someone else twice, and he says he likes what we have right now, but I don’t hear from him much, so I don’t know. I have dreams about him, so I know I’m excited about him, but I’m not letting my heart go there. I’m terrified, because I know he could really hurt me.
My best friend and I decided to start sleeping together. He and i have been talking about it for a while now. I You don’t want to fuck me right now unless I missed something asked my therapist before making this decision what she thinks of friends with benefits, and she has no problem with it. This friend of mine is a great guy, but he’s not someone I would want to pursue romantically. He’s four years younger than me and I just don’t feel a romantic connection with him. I actually encouraged him to ask for a waitress’ phone number who always flirts with him when we go to this one restaurant. He has had feelings for me in the past, but I think they are gone now.
So, we made this decision two days ago, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t really have an opinion. I don’t feel any more connected to him. It was fun, but I miss sharing that with someone I love. I had a few reservations about it, like not wanting to add to my number of partners and being afraid of being judged by others if anyone found out. I also don’t like putting chemicals into my body (birth control)… I wonder if this is what catapulted me into feeling that I was completely dead yesterday. I come from a background where sex before marriage is always wrong no matter what. I waited until my late 20s to have sex, and I was in love, so I have no regrets.
I don’t feel emotionally damaged from sex, which is something I used to worry about. In fact I feel a lot more mature and educated about it. I also feel that it has helped me work through the sexual abuse I went through as a child and I can better relate to people. I’m actually turned off by men who are 30 and say they are still virgins. Yeah, I met one of those several months ago. It was just strange for some reason! I also feel like more of an adult, because I have stuff in my life that I don’t care to share with my family. Since I still live at home, feeling independent and like an adult is important to me. My mother still tries to rule my life, so I take control by not telling her every detail. I cannot wait to move out this fall!
Maybe I’ll sign up for one of those television dating shows just for fun. Those are such a joke and I might have the opportunity to travel the world and make some friends for free! I’ll probably end up being the one who quits the show when I realize the guy is a total douche bag. For now, my focus is getting that teaching job and moving out on my own!