I love being in love

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You’re my survival, you’re my living proof.
My love is alive and not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I’ve dropped out, I’ve burned up, I’ve fought my way back from the dead.
I’ve tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your…
I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.

The greatest fan of your life.
…greatest fan of your life.

 – “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain
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Fear

I received a message not too long ago from the recent ex.  He has obviously been following me on Facebook.  Here’s what it said: “It really warms my heart to see how happy you are, and if we have a barrier where I can’t tell you something like that, then you should probably unfriend me because friends can say that kind of thing. That’s it. Oh, and Happy Holidays.”

Really?  I’m sorry, but I just can’t go from lovers to friends like that when the former lover hurt me like he did.  To choose something like comedy over me out of fear of hurting me is letting fear win.  He let his fear win.  In his mind, it was either hurt me now or hurt me later, so he chose now.  I didn’t respond.  I just deleted him.  I’m still bitter about it, because I don’t understand it.  I would choose to face the fear and work through it.  That’s what I do every day.

You see, I have this horrible fear of dying.  It stems from being a religious fanatic growing up and believing that when I died, I would go to heaven.  So, I had nothing to fear.  Death was just a way to pass from this life into eternal life where everything would be better than this life.  Believing that way was a wonderful way to live.  I lived in a fantasy world where God would always forgive me, and I didn’t have to fear anything because God was on my side.  A few years ago, I woke up and saw all of the deceit and manipulation that exists in religion.  I hate lies and am a truth seeker, so I began to seek truth wherever I could find it.

It all started when I began to ask this question, “Other people on the other side of the world think they have the right answers.  They think I’m wrong.  I think I have the right answers and think that they are wrong.  Well, someone has to be right, and someone has to be wrong.  What if that person is me?  What if I am wrong?”  Once I began to look at my belief system and see how flawed it really was, it crushed me.  I was very depressed for a long time, because I could not figure out what the right answers were.  I finally realized that there are none.  We all have a piece of this large puzzle.  No one has it all right.

I do have some peace now, but I still have this incredible fear of death.  I think about it every day.  I look at people and feel sorry for them, because one day, they won’t be here anymore.  Fading into nothingness terrifies me, and if I let it, the fear will cripple me.

That’s what fear does. It cripples people.  It holds them back from being who they really could be and keeps them from living life to the fullest.  It prevents happiness in all aspects…

If you allow it to.

I fight this fear every day.  I face it, and I push myself through it even though it terrifies me.  He chose to let fear win.  I choose to let fear make me stronger.  It drives me to be a better person for myself and others.  I really do feel that I am finally on the right path to change the world.  I’ve always felt like I had a high calling in life, so we shall see.

Here’s to fear.  Fight!

Perplexed…

I don’t know what it is about men that makes them think you can fall for them in just a couple of dates.  How can you have strong feelings for someone you don’t even know?  Yes, there can be a strong attraction there, but feelings?  These emotional feelings are what lead us to falling in love, and real love does not happen quickly.  I have decided to try online dating again, and I am already ready to throw in the towel.  I want to move to L.A. or New York and pursue the career I should have pursued years ago.  Men have wasted the last twelve years of my life, and I don’t want any more of my time wasted.

Now, bear with me… I am sick right now and probably going to sound a little bipolar…

I have met a few men lately that seem to be quite awesome.  I am excited about them and so far one of them has been incredibly patient as we take our time getting to know each other.  (The other two I just met.)  He has not rushed me at all.  Others, however, have wanted to be exclusive after just one or three dates, and I just can’t do that.  So, they find other girls to get excited about that will fall into that trap with them… That’s why online relationships always fail.  People jump in too quickly.  I have been guilty in the past, which is how I know this.  I think online dating gives people a false sense of knowing someone before meeting them.  You can’t possibly know a person after reading their profile and going on a few dates.

I learned another important thing about myself:  where my boundaries are.  I learned that I cannot have a purely sexual relationship with someone, because I so desire that emotional connection.  Feeling used sucks and using someone else makes me feel worse… It is possible to use and feel used even if it is mutual, which is really strange.  Maybe I’m weird or just not so desensitized.  I don’t know.

I’m glad I have explored my sexuality, because I now know how to be patient and let a friendship grow into a good relationship before sex becomes a part of it.  I also know that I am more likely to let a man take advantage of me if I don’t know him well.  I have to know a man well before letting myself go sexually with him.  If there is no trust built, I can’t speak up for myself when something happens that I’m not okay with.  I don’t know exactly why that is, but I learned that the hard way recently.  I slept with a great guy and allowed things to happen that I couldn’t say no to.  It’s not his fault.  I told him that I liked certain things, but I did not have the experience to know the varying degrees of what those things could be.  My sexual history is apparently very mild, and I guess I have never been with someone as experienced as this guy was.  Maybe it did scare me.  It left me very perplexed for some reason.  Instead of talking to him about it, I retreated to try and figure out why it left me so speechless.  I am usually a great communicator, but without trust, communication becomes very difficult for me.  Maybe that makes me immature.  I don’t think so.

Maybe I have finally become a confusing female.  Shit, even I am confused.  This sexual encounter left me insanely puzzled!  We kind of talked about it online last night, and he was not so happy about me disappearing and not talking to him about it.  I do understand. I just didn’t know what to say.  I still don’t know.  I do know that I was enjoying the friendship and I did tell him that I could not sleep with him anymore.  I told him of my discovery that I cannot do that without commitment.  He assumed I was accusing him of emotionless sex, which I wasn’t.  I don’t have a clue what he was feeling, but I don’t have feelings for him.  I do like him, but I have not had the time to develop those feelings.

My time has also been consumed with work, rehearsals, other dates, and tending to my mother’s mental illness.  I wanted to see this guy again, but he is convinced that he totally scared me off.  I see his point, but he does not see mine at all.  He was also offended that I apparently “grouped him with other guys.”  He wanted to end the conversation when I said I liked him but didn’t have feelings for him, and then he was offended when I said that I don’t understand why guys expect me to have feelings for them so quickly.  Someone please point out to me where I should not have said what I did.  It is possible to like someone and not have feelings for them.  Many guys lately have wanted more from me than I could give in such a short period of time, and he seemed offended when I said I didn’t have feelings yet.  I wish he would have just called me instead of trying to communicate with me online.  That’s also most guys these days.  They prefer texting to talking.  Maybe I should have called him, but I like guys who take initiative.  I was hoping we would actually have a lunch date soon.  Oh well…

My high school sweetheart is a swinger?!

It’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve done some crazy things lately and made some new discoveries.  I love making discoveries about myself.  I told the last guy not to contact me.  He pissed me off by leading me on and giving me false hope, so he is no longer allowed in my life.   I thought I was so close to finding the right person for me, but I was wrong… again.  I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I have failed so many times that it’s not discouraging anymore but actually encouraging.  I gave up at one point when I hit my all-time low.  Relationships used to knock me down.  Now, they lift me up higher than I was before.  I learn something from each failed relationship that helps me in the next one and brings me one step closer to the right one.

I started to wonder if this last guy sabotaged our relationship on purpose.  I wondered if he asked me to come back with the full intention of ruining things so badly that I would actually not want to be with him and move on faster.  If that is the case, it’s pretty f*cking sick, and I really am better off.  I really hope I never hear from him again, but I’m afraid that I might…

I had sex with a guy not too long ago that I’ve known for a couple of years.  It’s not like me to just sleep with someone like that, but I really wanted to a long time ago and never did.  I didn’t want him to be my first even though we had such intense sexual chemistry then.  I thought I’d give this guy another shot.  He would message me every now and then, so I thought I would see if there could be something there.  Well, there was no intellectual chemistry there just like way back when, but he is still incredibly attractive and has a huge d*ck.  He pushed it with me and I just didn’t want to resist, so I didn’t.  It was ok and I’m glad I have no regrets about not pursuing that relationship back in the day.  He is a great guy, but we just don’t click in my opinion.

I also chewed out a guy who I was once crazy about.  He came back into my life after finding out I was single again and the chemistry was still very much alive with him.  I was just drawn to this guy and decided to give him another chance.  HA!  What a joke.  I’m sorry, but I am not going to be some guy’s sexting mistress.  I want real men, real phone conversations, and real commitment.  I fucking HATE players!!!!!!!!  I’m just glad I turned down sex… that was hard to do.

I invested in a few dildos to keep my sex drive occupied while I take a break from sex and birth control.  I’ve never owned one before, so this is kind of a new and exciting personal adventure for me.  I ordered one of them right before the last guy dumped me.  I was hoping we would be able to have some fun with it… oh well.  That’s just one more extra the next guy will get.  Another one I bought to do some web cam modeling, but after doing tons and tons of research on it, I just don’t think I can do it.  I’m too afraid someone will recognize me, and that’s not my idea of a fun way to get famous.

Perhaps the strangest thing that has happened to me recently is finding out that my high school sweetheart is a swinger.  I also discovered that I was not quite over him!  Imagine that!  It has been eight years since we broke up, and I had not completely healed from that! …until recently that is.  He sent me a message on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday.  We started talking because I told him of this strange dream I had about him the night before where he was asking me about relationship advice.  One thing led to another, and we were talking about relationships and our breakup.  I actually cried thinking about the night I broke up with him.  I will never forget it, because I so badly did not want to do it. I loved him so much.  One of the last things I said to him was that I would always love him, and I meant it.  A part of me still does and probably always will.  However, he is not someone that I would ever consider dating ever again.  He doesn’t want kids and can’t commit to just one woman.  I don’t judge him for that, but it’s vastly different than what I want.  I think that having this conversation with him and being able to apologize was that last thing I needed to completely let go of him.  Things still felt awkward between us when I saw him at a reunion last summer, and now I know why.

I am once again excited about the future.  Nutcracker season is about to begin, and there are some promising men lining up to date me, so maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for this time.  We shall see…

I should have cancelled date 3…

Yep… I went against that tiny small voice inside of me that told me to run and I went on a third date with him. I don’t know what that little voice was trying to say. Perhaps it was saying, “I know you’re trying to branch out and try something new, but this is not a good idea!” By date four, we were sleeping together and beginning a relationship that I thought was going to last. Boy was I wrong.

I just spent my evening after work dancing like an idiot around my apartment, doing handstands, and spinning in circles like I did when I was five. I had a couple of Mike’s Hard Lemonades, cranked up some music, and celebrated. Why? No fucking clue! I am just happy to say “FUCK THE WORLD!”

He broke up with me AGAIN! Two weeks off and then two weeks on. AND, he did it through text message. TEXT MESSAGE! …because he just couldn’t stand to see me upset. He thought I would be upset. HAHAHA! I wasn’t upset… I was fuckin’ pissed! He already hurt me, so I was still moving past that and didn’t have a chance to feel for him again just yet. I did not and will not shed one more tear over this boy. He’s not the awesome man I thought he was and not worth the tears. I’m over it! After he sent me his breakup text, I immediately went to single on Facebook, and then went to work and had an awesome night. I told him to throw my stuff away and not to call me. I hope I never fucking see him again. He told me he wouldn’t change his mind and that he wouldn’t do this to me again. HAHAHA! Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve heard that before. So, this tells me that he could change his mind yet again, because he said he wouldn’t and did anyway, and is now saying that this is his final decision… geez… Well, if he does, there ain’t no way in HELL I’m letting him back in. Too fuckin late!

After asking me to be his girlfriend again, things just didn’t feel the same. I had already mourned losing him and then felt very uneasy about everything once we were back on. He was calling the shots, and I hate that. I had no problem with him pursuing his dream of moving to Chicago for Improv Comedy, because I was likely going to be on a traveling dance company. He says he was feeling guilty about being so distant and that he meant everything he has ever said to me. So, he’s hopelessly losing love to this dream that is consuming him… how tragic. Fuck him. I told him that this is the worst mistake that he will probably ever make, and if he disagrees, then he really didn’t know what he had.

It must suck to truly believe that living for yourself is the best that life has to offer you. Believing that there is no existence beyond life after this one is his motivation for taking this leap because he doesn’t want to have regrets. I get that, but a life without love is empty indeed. It is possible to have both dreams and love. What do you do when you have everything you want and no one to share it with? What happens when you fail, and all you have is a lonely apartment waiting for you? How wonderful do you feel when you’re fucking someone just to relieve yourself and they have no respect for you? I’m sure he’ll find someone in Chicago to fuck. How empty that will be… You know, on a side note, I finally started researching toys to incorporate into our sex life. I thought that would have been fun. I’ve never owned one before. My goodness, he will never have anyone as fun as me. Sounds conceited, but he knows it’s true.

What did I learn from this relationship? Let’s see…

– Listen to your gut (I think I’ve learned this one a hundred times now)
– Date someone who is at least spiritual
– Sex really is very important to the health of the relationship
– I am much freakier and much more skilled sexually than I realized
– If he says he doesn’t like his job, THAT’S A RED FLAG!
– Make him wait to have sex with you until you know he has some strong feelings for you. He does not fucking deserve your body, ever! MAKE HIM EARN IT!
– A man really can express how he feels about you without words. Actions are so powerful.
– If he tells you that he is a fucking weirdo, believe him.
– If he breaks up with you, MOVE ON. It doesn’t matter what his reasons are. He’s retarded, his mind is made up, and you don’t want a fucking retard anyway. Oh yeah, you also have plenty of other options.

END RANT

LIFE! TAKE 437,221. “CLAP! …AAAAND ACTION!”

What I really want to say to him…

…but I just can’t bring myself to.  There’s still a huge part of me that is hanging on. No part of me wants to move on except for that small part that is in survival mode and knows this will kill me if I let it.  That part of me will win soon.  I can’t control it.  Survival will take over…  Anyway, here it goes…

I thought you were the most amazing man in the world. Then I realized that the most amazing man would not have let me go.  The most amazing man would not have chosen himself over me.  The most amazing man is not that selfish.  I need to let go of who I thought you were and realize what I see now.  It’s time for me to move on and let the real most-amazing-man-in-the-world find me.

I know your fear is that I will feel neglected by you, but YOU have control over that!  You are a main ingredient in US, and YOU have the power to make US work.  However, you chose not to even try.  You just gave up.  Coward.

You know, there is a far worse feeling than being neglected by you.  There was one time when I felt you didn’t want to be around me, and that stung, My heart sunk a little, but then I realized I was misinterpreting the situation.  Anyway, I do understand that feeling of neglect, and I have felt it many times from others, but there is something worse.  Being completely rejected by the man you care about more than anything is far worse.  It is comparable to being rejected by my dad as a child.  He didn’t just neglect me, he completely rejected me.  He gave up his rights as a father so that he could go live the life he wanted.  I don’t get why you wanted to can us so bad when you had someone who was so willing to figure this out with you!

I was SO WILLING to go with you and figure this out together, because that’s what great couples do, and that’s what I thought we were: a GREAT couple. I’ve never wanted that with anyone.

So, I have been dealing with the feelings of being completely and utterly rejected for something that will ultimately be very unfulfilling.  How do you compare a person to an artistic passion?  That is just asinine. Nothing is better than being with the person you connect with on such a deep level. Nothing is more fulfilling than building a life with that person, and it hurts so bad that I have been denied that.  The absurdity of choosing a THING over ME… just… hurts.  You have chosen to destroy something that had the potential to be so awesome.  I don’t know anyone who would give that up for anything.  We could have been two artists living the dream together and figuring out how to make that work together one day at a time.  You have let your fears ruin the best thing that ever happened to you, and for that, I feel so sorry for you.  I do hope you find it again when you are ready, but why would you take that risk?! WHY? Some never find it.  It took me 12 years to find you.  I can’t imagine another day without you… but now I have to.  I have no choice.  I just pray it doesn’t take that long again to find another you.

You broke up with me.  You don’t get to see me anymore. YOU made that choice.  I know you want to hang out and be friends, but I can NOT do that to myself.  My heart can not take it.  You want to have something with me with no commitment.  No strings attached.  Sorry, I refuse to be used like that.  I want something different.  I want what I thought we had.  If the thought of me being with someone else is so gross to you, then fucking do something about it.  If you really have feelings for me like you say, and you really miss me, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate why you did what you did.  It just makes absolutely NO sense at all.  And, I am just a hair from disappearing from your life for good.

I will end up being that girl who holds on for dear life, the girl that hopes he will come around and thinks that if she just gives him what he wants, he will change his mind.  No.  I will not be that girl, but I will turn into her if I keep you in my life.  I had a nightmare last night about you.  I dreamt that I took you to the airport.  I kissed you at the security checkpoint, told you I loved you for the first time, and watched you walk away.  That would be the final tear in this thing that has been ripping me apart.  I can NOT do that to myself.  I just can’t.  This dream was a premonition of what is to come for me if I continue on this path and I won’t have it come true.

You said you gave me four months.  Really?  Like I should feel so blessed to have had four months?!  60 YEARS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TIME WITH YOU!  You were the most amazing man in the world to me.  Not anymore.  I guess I was wrong.  It’s time for me to move on.

Goodbye.

When life throws you a curveball…

When Life Throws You a Curveball...

After moping around for a week, eating almost nothing but ice cream, and trying to figure out what the f*ck happened, I decided to talk to my dad. He was just completely stupefied by why anyone would choose improv comedy over someone as wonderful as me. Now, I know he is my dad, but my dad is not and never was that parent who believed the sun shined out of his kid’s ass. He is a very realistic person who knows what he wants in life and works hard for what he has. He knows what my faults are, and I always felt somewhat inadequate like he looked upon me as a failure at life.  I know he loves me and would do anything for me, because he has, but I don’t ever hear the words, “I’m proud of you” from him.  So, I believe his compliments on the rare occasions that I get them.  When my dad has something to say, I listen, because he doesn’t offer advice often.  And, he doesn’t just say stuff to make me feel good.

It’s also easy for me to believe what he says, because he is kind of an outsider.  He is my step dad although he did adopt me when my biological father gave up his parental rights when I was 12. So, yeah, it made absolutely no sense to him why this guy would break up with me to chase something he only discovered he loved FIVE months ago.  He said that, to him, it is so stupid to give up a life with me to chase something with no guarantee and where the odds are so against you.  He said, “being dirt poor gets old real fast, and who wants to live on welfare when they are older because they didn’t save for retirement when they could have?”  He actually understood why I chased my dream for as long as I did because I spent most of my life training for it.  I thought he looked down on me all these years.  My dad told me what a catch I am and how any man would be so lucky to have me.

Wow.  I didn’t realize that my dad thought so highly of me.  He thought this guy was the luckiest man alive to have had me for the time he did and the dumbest man alive to throw it away.  My dad concluded that he really doesn’t know me at all, because if he did, he wouldn’t have let me go.  My dad was just beside himself because he could not make sense of it all, and my dad has a genius level IQ, mind you… None of my explanations to defend him held any water with my dad whatsoever.

I needed that talk.  It gave me so much clarity.  I understand chasing a dream because I’ve done it, but at some point, you have to be realistic.  He gave up the best thing that ever happened to him, and for what?  To take a stab in the dark and hope for the best?  That can either make me feel completely worthless, or I can look at it as “he really is nuts.”  Or, this guy actually doesn’t think we are a match and won’t tell me that for whatever reason.  I do know what a catch I am.  It was just so reassuring to hear it from my dad, a man whom I respect and who so many people look up to.

I still think this guy is pretty effin’ amazing, but each day that goes by is one more strike against him if he ever does change his mind.  And, that’s not because I’m angry.  Time and distance just does that.  I will not chase him, so as far as he’s concerned, I’m gone.  My heart is still tied up with him, but there’s only so much time left before that is permanently damaged.  I can’t control that.  We may talk or hang out eventually, but I will be no one’s fuck buddy.  I am so much better than that and deserve so much more.  Sex for me is reserved for committed relationships only.  I tried that once, and I’ve decided not to play that game ever again.  I did consider it with him, but why the hell would I do that to myself?!  Alright, enough of that…

You know, there aren’t a lot of women anymore who are career-minded and incredibly driven but also want to be homemakers, actually raise their own kids, take care of their man in every way, who are patient and selfless, and who are independent as well… women who are fun, always looking for ways to spice things up, who are beautiful and loyal, and who genuinely show interest and support the passions of the men they love… women who respect their men in every way and always look for opportunities to show the world just how lucky they are to have him… women who don’t always have to be right and thrive on communication and compromise because it makes them better together.

We had so much potential to be incredible together.  I hope that finds me again.  I know that amazing men are pretty rare, but amazing women are even more hard to come by.  I sure hope he finds what he’s looking for, and I hope what he finds is worth what he lost.

(I also really hope he’s not reading my blog anymore)