Flowers and Fairy Tales

ImageLove is not really what I thought it would be.  Maybe everyone realizes this at some point, but I always wanted it to be different for me.  I still tell myself that it will be different; that I will not be in one of those relationships where all they do is find ways to make each other miserable or make fun of each other to their friends.  I don’t understand how or when love turns sour for people.  Anyway, love has not turned sour for me, but it’s not what I thought it would be either.  I have more happy days than not, but I don’t feel that I have landed my happily ever after like every girl dreams.  I know why fairy tales were invented.  Their purpose is for adults to lie to themselves about the realities they live in and to mask those realities from their children.  They think that by lying to their children it will pave a better path for them.  Giving people false hope not only fucks with their heads eventually, but it also makes them even more devastated when they do learn of the truth.

I never did completely buy into the fairy tales, but I hoped I could make one for myself.  Maybe I still can.  I wonder sometimes if life would be better serving myself and only myself.  Making myself happy is hard enough, so how is making someone else happy going to be any easier?  It seems to be quite difficult sometimes.  It’s like telling a frog and a flamingo to live their lives happily together.  They don’t even speak the same language.  

I wish sometimes that a marriage could have been arranged for me.  That way we would be starting together on the same foot and we would make love happen not just wait for it.  Some people believe that love is a choice.  Others believe it chooses you.  I wonder if love is like a flower versus a seed.  One of them is very pretty when you find it and stays very pretty for a while before it quickly dries up and dies.  The other, with care and nurturing, grows to be something very beautiful with deep solid roots.  It can reproduce and bloom over and over again.

One time, love slapped me in the face.  I had no choice in the matter, and he ended up being a very evil person.  He was my friend of nine years, and one day, I saw him differently.  My heart was pierced for him one day and it never healed.  Tearing myself away from that was one of the hardest but smartest things I ever did.  If you can choose to love someone, why not choose someone whom you think is worthy to spend the rest of your days with?

Well, what can I say… I want the best of both worlds.  I want to fall in love and it be with someone who is absolutely magnificent.  In a way, I believe I have done just that.  He is amazing in so many ways, but life is hard.  Bills are hard to pay, but I love him.  I know he will be the provider soon.  That is who he is.  I understand why women seduce rich men.  It makes life easier.  But, I am not dishonest like those women and my heart cannot lie.  I am also a fighter, and I want to fight for us.  I want to fight for all of the love that others have lost because people lost their faith.  I want to find all of that lost love and keep it safe.  I never want to lose love again.  I don’t believe my heart could take it.  

Maybe that’s why it hurts me so much when he is not happy.  He doesn’t understand how it pains me to upset him or see him unhappy, whether it was because of me or not.  We oftentimes have these misunderstandings or disagreements, and they cut me so deeply.  It’s not what he says that cuts me, though.  He is not harsh towards me.  It is just that in those moments happiness leaves temporarily, and that is what sucks life out of me.  I don’t even know why.  

Most people understand that disagreements happen.  There are highs and lows in relationships.  I do know this.  However, it still kills me when the lows come.  A low means that I have failed again.  I tell myself that I can not fail.  It’s actually more of a commandment to myself.  I have no idea where this comes from; why I am so hard on myself.  It would be easier if he owned me and commanded me rather than having to be my own person and stand for myself.  I know how crazy that sounds.

I love him so much but fear that I cannot be perfect enough for him.  I just want happiness.  I want flowers that never die and fairy tales that never end.

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My high school sweetheart is a swinger?!

It’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve done some crazy things lately and made some new discoveries.  I love making discoveries about myself.  I told the last guy not to contact me.  He pissed me off by leading me on and giving me false hope, so he is no longer allowed in my life.   I thought I was so close to finding the right person for me, but I was wrong… again.  I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I have failed so many times that it’s not discouraging anymore but actually encouraging.  I gave up at one point when I hit my all-time low.  Relationships used to knock me down.  Now, they lift me up higher than I was before.  I learn something from each failed relationship that helps me in the next one and brings me one step closer to the right one.

I started to wonder if this last guy sabotaged our relationship on purpose.  I wondered if he asked me to come back with the full intention of ruining things so badly that I would actually not want to be with him and move on faster.  If that is the case, it’s pretty f*cking sick, and I really am better off.  I really hope I never hear from him again, but I’m afraid that I might…

I had sex with a guy not too long ago that I’ve known for a couple of years.  It’s not like me to just sleep with someone like that, but I really wanted to a long time ago and never did.  I didn’t want him to be my first even though we had such intense sexual chemistry then.  I thought I’d give this guy another shot.  He would message me every now and then, so I thought I would see if there could be something there.  Well, there was no intellectual chemistry there just like way back when, but he is still incredibly attractive and has a huge d*ck.  He pushed it with me and I just didn’t want to resist, so I didn’t.  It was ok and I’m glad I have no regrets about not pursuing that relationship back in the day.  He is a great guy, but we just don’t click in my opinion.

I also chewed out a guy who I was once crazy about.  He came back into my life after finding out I was single again and the chemistry was still very much alive with him.  I was just drawn to this guy and decided to give him another chance.  HA!  What a joke.  I’m sorry, but I am not going to be some guy’s sexting mistress.  I want real men, real phone conversations, and real commitment.  I fucking HATE players!!!!!!!!  I’m just glad I turned down sex… that was hard to do.

I invested in a few dildos to keep my sex drive occupied while I take a break from sex and birth control.  I’ve never owned one before, so this is kind of a new and exciting personal adventure for me.  I ordered one of them right before the last guy dumped me.  I was hoping we would be able to have some fun with it… oh well.  That’s just one more extra the next guy will get.  Another one I bought to do some web cam modeling, but after doing tons and tons of research on it, I just don’t think I can do it.  I’m too afraid someone will recognize me, and that’s not my idea of a fun way to get famous.

Perhaps the strangest thing that has happened to me recently is finding out that my high school sweetheart is a swinger.  I also discovered that I was not quite over him!  Imagine that!  It has been eight years since we broke up, and I had not completely healed from that! …until recently that is.  He sent me a message on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday.  We started talking because I told him of this strange dream I had about him the night before where he was asking me about relationship advice.  One thing led to another, and we were talking about relationships and our breakup.  I actually cried thinking about the night I broke up with him.  I will never forget it, because I so badly did not want to do it. I loved him so much.  One of the last things I said to him was that I would always love him, and I meant it.  A part of me still does and probably always will.  However, he is not someone that I would ever consider dating ever again.  He doesn’t want kids and can’t commit to just one woman.  I don’t judge him for that, but it’s vastly different than what I want.  I think that having this conversation with him and being able to apologize was that last thing I needed to completely let go of him.  Things still felt awkward between us when I saw him at a reunion last summer, and now I know why.

I am once again excited about the future.  Nutcracker season is about to begin, and there are some promising men lining up to date me, so maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for this time.  We shall see…

What I really want to say to him…

…but I just can’t bring myself to.  There’s still a huge part of me that is hanging on. No part of me wants to move on except for that small part that is in survival mode and knows this will kill me if I let it.  That part of me will win soon.  I can’t control it.  Survival will take over…  Anyway, here it goes…

I thought you were the most amazing man in the world. Then I realized that the most amazing man would not have let me go.  The most amazing man would not have chosen himself over me.  The most amazing man is not that selfish.  I need to let go of who I thought you were and realize what I see now.  It’s time for me to move on and let the real most-amazing-man-in-the-world find me.

I know your fear is that I will feel neglected by you, but YOU have control over that!  You are a main ingredient in US, and YOU have the power to make US work.  However, you chose not to even try.  You just gave up.  Coward.

You know, there is a far worse feeling than being neglected by you.  There was one time when I felt you didn’t want to be around me, and that stung, My heart sunk a little, but then I realized I was misinterpreting the situation.  Anyway, I do understand that feeling of neglect, and I have felt it many times from others, but there is something worse.  Being completely rejected by the man you care about more than anything is far worse.  It is comparable to being rejected by my dad as a child.  He didn’t just neglect me, he completely rejected me.  He gave up his rights as a father so that he could go live the life he wanted.  I don’t get why you wanted to can us so bad when you had someone who was so willing to figure this out with you!

I was SO WILLING to go with you and figure this out together, because that’s what great couples do, and that’s what I thought we were: a GREAT couple. I’ve never wanted that with anyone.

So, I have been dealing with the feelings of being completely and utterly rejected for something that will ultimately be very unfulfilling.  How do you compare a person to an artistic passion?  That is just asinine. Nothing is better than being with the person you connect with on such a deep level. Nothing is more fulfilling than building a life with that person, and it hurts so bad that I have been denied that.  The absurdity of choosing a THING over ME… just… hurts.  You have chosen to destroy something that had the potential to be so awesome.  I don’t know anyone who would give that up for anything.  We could have been two artists living the dream together and figuring out how to make that work together one day at a time.  You have let your fears ruin the best thing that ever happened to you, and for that, I feel so sorry for you.  I do hope you find it again when you are ready, but why would you take that risk?! WHY? Some never find it.  It took me 12 years to find you.  I can’t imagine another day without you… but now I have to.  I have no choice.  I just pray it doesn’t take that long again to find another you.

You broke up with me.  You don’t get to see me anymore. YOU made that choice.  I know you want to hang out and be friends, but I can NOT do that to myself.  My heart can not take it.  You want to have something with me with no commitment.  No strings attached.  Sorry, I refuse to be used like that.  I want something different.  I want what I thought we had.  If the thought of me being with someone else is so gross to you, then fucking do something about it.  If you really have feelings for me like you say, and you really miss me, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate why you did what you did.  It just makes absolutely NO sense at all.  And, I am just a hair from disappearing from your life for good.

I will end up being that girl who holds on for dear life, the girl that hopes he will come around and thinks that if she just gives him what he wants, he will change his mind.  No.  I will not be that girl, but I will turn into her if I keep you in my life.  I had a nightmare last night about you.  I dreamt that I took you to the airport.  I kissed you at the security checkpoint, told you I loved you for the first time, and watched you walk away.  That would be the final tear in this thing that has been ripping me apart.  I can NOT do that to myself.  I just can’t.  This dream was a premonition of what is to come for me if I continue on this path and I won’t have it come true.

You said you gave me four months.  Really?  Like I should feel so blessed to have had four months?!  60 YEARS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TIME WITH YOU!  You were the most amazing man in the world to me.  Not anymore.  I guess I was wrong.  It’s time for me to move on.

Goodbye.

another colossal embarrassment

I got my nails done today, which is not something I do often. It’s a small thing that helps me feel beautiful in the midst of feeling rejected. The lady doing my nails was super sweet and randomly asked me if I had a boyfriend.

I just said “no.”

She asked “why?” and said, “you’re so beautiful!”

Sigh…

I said, “Because he broke up with me last night.”

I began to tear up and she felt terrible for asking. She sincerely apologized and then paused and said, “you love him right?”

I guess she could see it in my eyes.

Since English is not her first language, I knew I couldn’t explain the complexity of my feelings, so in a split second I had to decide, “how did I really feel about this man?”

I whispered, “yeah… yeah… I do.” and the tears came streaming down. I let myself feel the love that I was too afraid to always let myself feel and felt my heart break at the same time. I was so good at keeping that in check and keeping my heart guarded, but what’s the use now? He’s gone. The most amazing man in my life is gone.

There’s no sense in fearing it anymore. I don’t know what’s worse: fearing loving someone or loving them too late and never getting to say it. It doesn’t matter, now, because I was never going to say it first anyway. Now I have to let myself fall in and out of love at the same time. Shit.

She rubbed my hands and continued to talk to me like my best friend would. It was so good to have an understanding friend for a few minutes while having my nails done. She could really feel my pain and she had some very good things to say to me. She sure made a customer out of me.

I had a film shoot today for an independent movie. I was almost two hours late because I couldn’t get the swelling in my face to go down enough to put makeup on and look decent. Thank god my character called for wearing my reading glasses. And thank god my character was supposed to be an absolute bitch. That was pretty easy for me today. Ha! I was able to blow off some steam, which helped temporarily until going to the nail salon. I’ve been eating too much ice cream. I made myself sick with Braum’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream on my way to the shoot and then drank a soda when I got there. That’s far from normal for me. I’m a health nut. Emotions for the win.

My heart feels pretty sick right now and I’m being bombarded with gentleman callers. I don’t know whether to move on and stay distracted by going out on a couple of dates, or if I should give myself some time. I don’t want to be with anyone right now. This fucking sucks. I just want that happy healthy relationship! I’m in no rush to get married or have kids. I just want to care for and love someone and be loved and cared for in return! Is that so much to ask for?!

I’m the one everyone thought would be married with the perfect family by now. I’m gonna be well past 30 before I ever see any of that! Every failed relationship is just another colossal embarrassment. I’m sure guys are going to start wondering, “shit, what’s wrong with her? She can get any guy she wants. So, how come no one seems to want her?”

Like I said, my search is over. To my future husband: if you really exist, come find me. When you do, I’m sorry for how hard I’m going to make it for you. You can thank all the men before you who said I was amazing like you do, but who one day suddenly turned on me.

I’m sorry. It’s going to take me a really long time to trust you, whoever you are.

I need to dance. I’m taking my pointe shoes to the gym. There’s no sense in trying to sleep tonight.

“You’re amazing, but I don’t love you.”

Another failed relationship.

I really thought I had finally found someone possibly worth spending the rest of my life with… someone who treated me the way I deserved to be treated… someone I clicked with so well and was so comfortable with. I would tell people, “It’s so awesome to finally be with someone who doesn’t have to tell me how he feels for me to know. He shows me. I see it in his eyes and his actions.” I was falling in love again, and then all of a sudden, he gave up. Why does this always happen to me? What is it about me that men think is totally amazing in the beginning, and then their feelings just stop or go away?

Maybe I don’t give them a good enough chase. The guys I date say they don’t want to chase once they are in a relationship, but I am starting to think that’s a bunch of bull shit. He said that if we had not been sleeping together by the end of the first month or so that we probably wouldn’t have continued dating. I am beginning to wonder that if I had made him wait longer, he would have developed stronger feelings and not let me go. Or, maybe it would have just prolonged him giving up on me… who knows.

This hurts more than I thought it would. I guess I should have expected it, though. I let him stop chasing me, gave him everything he wanted, and of course, he got bored of me. He said he used to be crazy about me, but not anymore, I guess. Story of my life.

I am a happy person. I don’t need a man to be happy. I am just sick of them screwing with my happiness. I know that I have so much to offer someone… more than most women. I know what an amazing catch I am. I don’t need or want guys to tell me that anymore! I just want someone to realize it, see it, want it, and hang on to it! Obviously I am lacking something they want. If I truly had everything they wanted, they would not let it go! MY GOD! Why can’t someone just tell me, “hey what I really want in someone is _____, and I now realize that’s not you. I’m sorry.” I can deal with that! What I cannot deal with is not knowing why. I guess sometimes men are so stupid that they don’t even know what they want, but shit, I’m sick of being dragged through other people’s issues! I don’t think he meant to, but he did hurt me. God, I really didn’t expect to be so hurt…

I think this one has some serious hang-ups from being married before. He’s also going through some mid-life crisis stuff with wanting a complete career change, not knowing what that change is exactly, and not wanting to be tied down to anything because of it. That scared me at first, I will admit, but I very quickly realized that he was worth it. It was worth it to me to go through some hardships with him, because he is the kind of person that together, we could do anything. For the first time in my life, I saw a future of many ups and downs WITH someone. I knew that we could tackle anything together, because we worked so well together. That is SO HARD to find! MY GOD!

Maybe he is that great guy that really believed I deserve better than him. Maybe he knew that he was going to put an awesome girl through a lot pretty soon, so he just didn’t let his heart go for me, because it would hurt him to put me through so much. Fear of hurting or being hurt is a stupid reason not to be with someone, in my opinion. I could tell he still cared about me. He teared up as I was leaving. He never stopped looking at me the way he did. I just don’t fucking get it. I actually don’t believe him. He says he doesn’t love me, but he sure acted like he did, and everyone around us saw it… People would tell me how they could see it in him. “You can tell he loves you,” they would say. Or, “it’s so obvious how crazy he is about you.” I didn’t get those comments from people in other relationships… There were a few moments where I thought I was in love again, like in my last post. I don’t know if I was completely there, yet, because the feelings were in that back-and-forth stage, but I was very close. I cared for him deeply.

I used to wonder, “at what point do people decide that they want to be with someone despite their imperfections?” I used to think I was looking for someone perfect, and I would never get to that point of just accepting someone. Well, I got to that point with someone, finally. I’ve been in love before knowing that it would not work out in the long run. I knew this time that it could be different. It could work. And, I was willing to make it work, because he was worth it.

I can honestly say that no one before him was worth that. NO ONE.

I made it so easy to be with me, and I also made it so easy to let me go. I told him I would be sad if we didn’t work out, but that I wouldn’t be devastated. I did guard my heart, because deep down, I was so afraid of this happening. I guess part of me saw it coming, but most of me was completely shocked when he said to me last night, “I don’t love you.” How the fuck can you know that in three or four months?! I was, for the most part, completely blind-sighted, because he acted very much out of love for me all the time. He thought that he had been a neglectful boyfriend lately, but I disagree. He has been wonderful, because he is wonderful. Maybe he has been going through a dry spell where he wasn’t as amazing as usual, but his “usual amazing” is a place most guys never reach.

Whatever. I’m just going to plan on being single. I’m currently being single-pounced like crazy, but like always, no one sparks my interest. Even if he comes back around, he’s gonna have to work pretty fucking hard to get me back. I made it too easy. Actually, every guy from this point forward has a huge disadvantage. I’m not letting another person in unless they show me that they fucking deserve it.

You know, at this point, unless an amazing man finds me and tricks me into marrying him, there’s no hope for this chick. I’m done. I hope it happens for me, but my search is over.

THE END

Patience

It feels good to love again, but it also hurts. It is devastating to know that I may only have 60 years with him. It’s just not enough time…

I am lying in bed next to the most wonderful man in the world right now and I can’t sleep. It’s mainly because I have too many things going on in my life at the moment, but that’s not all I’m thinking about right now. (By the way, we aren’t living together… Not till there’s a ring on my finger!)

I wanted to hear him say “I love you” so badly tonight. I know he does and I felt it so strongly tonight. I wonder how long I can stand to sleep with him without him looking into my eyes and saying it. I’m sure I will really need to hear it from him soon. It is so wonderful to be with someone who actually shows you how they feel about you. But, there will come a point when logically I need to hear it, right? I’m not too worried about it right now, but I fear it becoming a problem. I know he has some fears from being married before. I just hope that doesn’t become the wedge between us. He’s been hurt before. I understand. I’ve been hurt, too, but I can’t imagine being hurt by the person who was your first, your only, and the one you promised the world to.

I guess I should continue to be patient. I’ve done a good job so far.

Here’s to love…

I am slowly falling in love and still very much enjoying getting to know this wonderful man in my life. It really is awesome to be dating someone that shows you how he feels about you rather than saying it. It’s nice when he says it, but the thing is, he doesn’t have to. I know exactly how he feels about me without him saying a thing. Usually, the guy I am with will say one thing and show me something on the contrary. With this one, he doesn’t tell me everything he feels. He shows me. I don’t even think he realizes that I know he loves me even though he doesn’t say it. It’s too soon to say it, really, and I’m not completely ready to hear it, but I know he feels it. He treats me with so much love and respect. I don’t need him to say it just yet.

I’ve learned recently that he has some fears from being married before, which is expected. Those fears may make things go a little slower, but for the first time in a long time, I’m in no hurry. Going slow is always the best way to go and I’m sticking to that. He is also afraid that his flaws may hurt me, but he doesn’t realize just how patient of a person I am yet. It seems like so far that he and I just work. We are a great match. It was so funny the other day when we realized that we really don’t have much in common. We just work. I’ve always looked for someone who was so similar to me, so maybe that’s why this is working so well… because we are so different. We balance each other out well!

Here’s to love and many more days of growing more in love.