Determined to love you forever…

There is a sort of sadness that ensues in the midst of the pure joy you feel when you finally unite with your twin soul. You realize the gravity of that saying “all good things come to an end.”  When you have everything… when you have that fire… you realize that just like the fire that runs its course, so too do the lives of you and your twin flame.

That is the most depressing thought of all.

Finally, Karma was good to me. She finally allowed for us to find one another and experience more love than most people could ever dream of. And one day, she will take that away.  I like to think that a love such as this will never be extinguished; that it will continue to burn beyond death and for all eternity.  However, I don’t know if that’s real or an idea people have to believe in order to keep on living as mortals.

I try so damn hard to live in the present and to just enjoy this indescribable precious thing that I have, but I am constantly reminded that one day, I may not have that anymore. The force which brought us together will decide when we have had our fill and retract. I guess it wasn’t ours to begin with, but why give something so undeniably the greatest thing in the universe and then take it away? How does that even make any sense?

It seems as though the universe finds joy in the greatest of tragedies, or maybe it is only through these tragedies that love like this can exist at all.  Maybe death is what fuels the flame of life and of love.  If that is the case, I have to thank the destruction which allowed me to revel in this intense love for as long as I am privileged to partake of it.

I don’t know how that makes much sense either, but I dread the day that I will pass from this world and leave this love behind. I hope and pray that I can take it along with me or that I will be endowed with another life to find him again.

60 more years with you just doesn’t seam like enough time.  Fuck, a million wouldn’t suffice either.  I need you forever.

My sun

I was destroyed
And then you gave me new life
You re-ignited my flame
That so many others left an ember
I waited so long for you to find me
And your dreams finally materialized
You saw me years ago, and despite your turmoil
Never gave up…
You searched
and were deceived
You perished
and wandered towards the light
You conquered
and were reborn
You embarked on a journey
To find that dream from years ago
To search again
To claim your happiness
And now we are united and our stars have aligned
You are my sun
I am your moon
Soul mates for all of eternity past and future
A love I never thought existed right before my eyes

Well, life is funny…

I didn’t write much last year, because I sort of gave up.  I lost my passion for life and didn’t care anymore that I wasn’t ever going to meet a great guy.  I barely survived my first year of teaching, which destroyed what I thought was a relationship that was going somewhere, so I was pretty miserable at the start of my summer last year.  I somehow managed to win a state pageant, so I am a state beauty pageant titleholder!  That was the highlight of my year.  Well, that and one other thing that I will get to later…

Let me tell you what happens when you are a state beauty pageant titleholder and you give up on finding a great guy… CRAZY SHIT!!!!

I’ll explain. It started with not being able to get over my ex. I found myself in another relationship that I used to get over that one.  I’ve never done that before, and I knew better, but after seven months of being terribly depressed, I figured I needed to start dating again.  BAD IDEA.  They guy was a really good guy, just definitely not a match for me.  He told me he loved me after a week of officially being boyfriend/girlfriend, and my feelings plateaued after that.  I was very excited about him at first, but that died faster than any guy I’ve ever dated.  I ended up having to get on unemployment, because I couldn’t go back to teaching for health reasons, so my summer was consumed with catching up on sleep I never got for nine months of teaching and utter laziness.  I was so lost and unhealthy. I didn’t know what to do.

Then, I went with my mom to her 30 year high school reunion all the way across the country, and randomly met a super sweet guy.  We just clicked, and he was the perfect example of the nice nerdy guys I used to go for.  He was SUPER cute!  BUT, he was all the way on the other side of the country and I had a boyfriend that I wasn’t excited about.  Just my luck: meet a great guy that I can’t date because he’s too far away.

So, I break up with that boyfriend after three months and decide to date a guy I never considered since I met him four years ago.  He had been trying for four years, and I had given up, so I figured, why not?  He’s hot, and I don’t care what kind of person he is at this point. BAD IDEA. Not only was I right on about this guy being a total player, he has SEVERE narcissictic personality disorder.  I started to feel very strung along after about a month, so I called it quits and he FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!  He started contacting my friends and family on Facebook to try to make me look like a crazy person and started posting horrible things about me on his own Facebook wall.  Geez…  I knew he was nuts, but I had NO IDEA.

Then, I meet this chef guy at a charity event.  I had zero interest at first, but we exchanged cards and a couple weeks later he starts pursuing me hardcore.  He said a lot of very fabulous things, which I bought even though I knew better, and we started dating a little.  I should have seen red flags all over him when he would call me like 10 times a day, but I didn’t care to notice the flags because I just didn’t fucking care anymore.  Well, he invites himself over one night to cook me this gourmet dinner, which I thought was pretty cool.  He then got me drunk, which I’ve only been like twice in my life, and took advantage of me.  I can’t claim rape, because it wasn’t, and I’m a fair and honest person, but he definitely took advantage of the situation like scumbags do.  Anyway, I never make such stupid decisions, but like I said, I just didn’t care anymore.  So, I decided to stick with it and see how it panned out, since I made a stupid decision already… He asked me to be his date to the biggest charity ball that exists out here.  Thousands and thousands of people go to this thing.  I was there volunteering for a couple of hours and he had some networking to do.  Well, it’s time for us to meet up, and it takes me quite a while to find him.  The group I was with and I end up chasing him around this huge place for about an hour until I was so pissed I couldn’t take it anymore.  He treated me like absolute shit and abandoned me!!!! He also hung out with another girl all night and never even got one photo with me, HIS DATE!  He was so rude and so ungentlemanlike, I was shocked.  Who seriously asks Miss _______ to be his date and then abandons her at an event!!!!  Forget the title, who does that to any girl???

So, here I am wondering what the hell his problem is after giving him a chance when he really had none to begin with.  I gave him the benefit of a doubt when he told me about his business and owning restaurants all over the world.  I didn’t realize that there are people who tell such EXTRAVIGANT LIES because they really have nothing and still live with their parents at 35 years old. Geez… What a crazy bastard.  So much shit came out about him after that evening.  I haven’t spoken to him since other than texting.  I told him he lost me as a romantic partner and friend.  He seriously tried to apologize via text!  And, only after I called him out on it and backed him into a corner! Fecking asshole!  Apparently, this is what he does to women.  He always goes after what he can’t have, or he goes for women with incredibly low self-esteem, uses them, and then screws them over big time.  He doesn’t own any restaurants other than a catering company, which isn’t doing well because he’s such a terrible person. The only review he has for his company is a review he posted himself talking about how wonderful he is. BAHAHAHAHA! #classic

Then… are you ready for this? …

I met the most amazing man on the planet.

Seriously, he’s the one. I can feel it.

I gave up, and then he appeared.  Isn’t that how it always happens to people?  They say when you know, you just know. And that’s how I always knew I was with the wrong person. I never just knew, ya know? haha… I digress.  This man is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and kind of reminds me of the guy I met all the way across the country last summer.  Very attractive, but not in a man-whore way, but in a very sweet and cute way.  He has ignited a fire in me that other men have slowly been extinguishing over the years, and I feel like I am flying.  My passions have returned.  I’m writing again, dancing again, working on my spirituality again, learning meditation, and just being happy again.

I also landed my dream job.  It’s a pay cut, but I am so much happier and less stressed.  I am finally excited about life again, and I hope you all find your happiness and passion for life this year!

Feedback appreciated! :)

Maybe I’m still in love, or maybe I’m just man hungry. I am trying so hard to move on but it feels like I am betraying my own heart. Some days, being single is fun. I run my own life and make my own schedule. I don’t have to justify or explain myself to anyone. I can change my plans whenever I need to. However, I don’t have anyone to love or share life with. It’s pretty lonely sometimes.

I have been wondering lately if it’s low self- esteem, if I’m depressed or desperate, or if I’m just really ready to find him. I’m not entirely sure, but I get so discouraged when I feel I have made successful flirtatious eye-contact with a guy a few times and he doesn’t come talk to me. I am trying so hard to learn how to give off that “I’m available vibe” because I’ve always sucked at it. However, I have also learned that the type of guys I’m usually attracted to are generally very intimidated by me. So, I’ve been wondering, since I’m getting a litte older now, should I start taking more initiative? If I see a guy who I think I would hit it off with but that I think would be too scared to talk to me, should I just walk right up to him and start a conversation? There is this guy that I’ve been kind of crazy about for a long time. He’s Super cute, nerdy, fun, tall, and just very unique. We went out a few times and really hit it off, but he moves so slow that I thought he had lost interest and I started dating someone else. Moving slow is great, but it is possible to go too slow. Well, I have never been able to stop thinking about him, so last night I decided to let him know what I have been thinking and I apologized for not saying something sooner. He said that he felt the same for me but that he was currently dating someone. 😦 THAT SUCKS! Had either one of us been more forward and not so damn scared, we might be in a very awesome relationship right now. I know that I can’t just wait around for him, even though I don’t feel that way about many guys, so I am trying to date around some.

There is this guy I met while walking my dog a few weeks ago. He stopped me to ask about my puppy and we chatted for a few minutes. I really wanted him to like ask me out for coffee sometime, but he didn’t. I saw him once more on my day off when he was on his way to work and it was just simple small talk. He asked about my dog, and I asked about his. I couldn’t hear him very well both times I saw him because both times, my hearing aid battery died, Coincidence? ugh! So frustrating! So, here’s my brilliant idea…

I thought I’d leave a note by the elevator with a picture of my dog and phone number that says, “Dear Pepper, I really enjoyed meeting you the other day and would like to see you again. I think you’re really cute. Here’s my cell. Text me sometime.  -Bruno.” He has a female dog and I have a male dog so I thought that would be a cute idea. But I don’t know if that would be strange. What do you think?

Single once again… so what’s new?

I’m ready to give up on men for good or just marry someone I kinda like. I broke things off with the recent guy because it was the right thing to do. He is an ass, and I’m better off… right?  I won’t ever really marry someone just because.  I’m not that dumb, but sometimes it seems there are no more decent men left who don’t already have kids. 

He was a total jerk. He was impatient with my hearing loss (like I can help it), and claimed I didn’t give him enough time to adjust to it.  Puh-lease.  You don’t have to grunt and throw your hands in the air and say “I’m looking right at you” when I don’t hear you. And, he claimed I never made him feel like he was a part of my life. I f*cking lived with him!  My whole life was him and work! That’s it!!!  Apparently, I didn’t invite him to everything or my plans would change last minute, and he would be excluded (not on purpose).  You know, there are just some things I assume you do as a couple, especially when you live together.  I don’t think I should have to formally invite him to everything but maybe I’m wrong.  If we had not lived together, then yeah. You need to know more of what I expect… I dunno.

I was not perfect, but I seriously took the time to look at myself and “fix” the things he didn’t like.  He was shocked when I said I was moving out because he said he was so happy.  Well, that was news to me because I thought I was incredibly annoying to him!  He would “call me out” for “doing dumb shit all the time” like it was his job to make me feel like an idiot. I started a whole new career and my job is one of the most demanding jobs you can have. It takes a few years to not feel like you’re drowning every day, and he could not understand that! He felt like he “was not a priority.”  You know what? Paying bills so you can live is a priority!!!!! I’m sorry you’re so fucking immature and insecure that you need to feel included by someone else all the time.  I tried so hard to “fix” that and almost lost my job over it, and he doesn’t see it. 

Now, he was supportive and would help me do small tasks foe work and run to the store if I needed something.  He was always there for me physically but cut me down at the same time.  It just made me feel crazy.

The other thing that made me CRAZY was that unwanted male attention was always my fault somehow.  I made this guy my world.  I was NOT and am actually still not interested in anyone else.  There are guys who like to message me online or text me. I can’t control that. All I can do is just not engage in the conversation or just be polite with them and tell them I’m not interested. None of that seems to be good enough.  One guy in particular never goes away no matter what I say or don’t say, and somehow I am leading him on. WTF?!?!

Another time, a 19 year old I worked with messaged me on Facebook asking for a photo in my scrubs because his friends didn’t believe he worked with me. I was a beauty queen title holder of the city we worked in. I though the guy was gay and he is 10 years younger than me so I thought nothing of it.  I said I would snap a photo sometime if I had a chance.  The recent boyfriend happened to see the conversation and FREAKED OUT.  I can understand his initial concerns since he has been cheated on a lot, but he jumped to the worst conclusion and would not listen to the fact that the guy was gay.  Instead,  he went and checked out the dude’s facebook to prove to me that he wasn’t gay and accuse me of flirting with him. WTF?!?!?!?!?! He’s a f*cking kid!  I never cared to check out his facebook. I just assumed he was gay because of how he acted at work. Why the hell would I flirt with a gay dude?!  I thought I was just being nice to a kid I worked with. I happen to feel really sorry for gay guys because of the shit my best friend has gone through in his life for being gay. I’m sure I would have eventually figured it out but whatever. I was NOT flirting with this kid. He’s not even attractive. Apparently I’m “too nice.”  The ex is offended by how nice I am to people, because guys will think I’m flirting with them.  My flirting is pretty damn obvious and being nice is not flirting. It’s just being a nice human being. I’m a nice person and I like to be nice to people. F*cking sue me.

I wish I didn’t love him so much. Sounds kind of odd for me to say that after typing all of this, but I do.

I hate sleep

There are things we love
And things we hate

And things we both love and hate

Sleep has become one of those things for me.

It feels so good to be sleepy and to succumb to the sleep that takes us over each night.

However, I don’t like it anymore and wrestle with this human part of me daily.

Sleep robs time from my love. I never get enough time with him and never will in this finite world of ours. Merely sleeping next to him is just not enough. We lose our senses and concept of reality and thus each other when we sleep. I sleep better with him there next to me, but I want more. I will never get enough of him.

Flowers and Fairy Tales

ImageLove is not really what I thought it would be.  Maybe everyone realizes this at some point, but I always wanted it to be different for me.  I still tell myself that it will be different; that I will not be in one of those relationships where all they do is find ways to make each other miserable or make fun of each other to their friends.  I don’t understand how or when love turns sour for people.  Anyway, love has not turned sour for me, but it’s not what I thought it would be either.  I have more happy days than not, but I don’t feel that I have landed my happily ever after like every girl dreams.  I know why fairy tales were invented.  Their purpose is for adults to lie to themselves about the realities they live in and to mask those realities from their children.  They think that by lying to their children it will pave a better path for them.  Giving people false hope not only fucks with their heads eventually, but it also makes them even more devastated when they do learn of the truth.

I never did completely buy into the fairy tales, but I hoped I could make one for myself.  Maybe I still can.  I wonder sometimes if life would be better serving myself and only myself.  Making myself happy is hard enough, so how is making someone else happy going to be any easier?  It seems to be quite difficult sometimes.  It’s like telling a frog and a flamingo to live their lives happily together.  They don’t even speak the same language.  

I wish sometimes that a marriage could have been arranged for me.  That way we would be starting together on the same foot and we would make love happen not just wait for it.  Some people believe that love is a choice.  Others believe it chooses you.  I wonder if love is like a flower versus a seed.  One of them is very pretty when you find it and stays very pretty for a while before it quickly dries up and dies.  The other, with care and nurturing, grows to be something very beautiful with deep solid roots.  It can reproduce and bloom over and over again.

One time, love slapped me in the face.  I had no choice in the matter, and he ended up being a very evil person.  He was my friend of nine years, and one day, I saw him differently.  My heart was pierced for him one day and it never healed.  Tearing myself away from that was one of the hardest but smartest things I ever did.  If you can choose to love someone, why not choose someone whom you think is worthy to spend the rest of your days with?

Well, what can I say… I want the best of both worlds.  I want to fall in love and it be with someone who is absolutely magnificent.  In a way, I believe I have done just that.  He is amazing in so many ways, but life is hard.  Bills are hard to pay, but I love him.  I know he will be the provider soon.  That is who he is.  I understand why women seduce rich men.  It makes life easier.  But, I am not dishonest like those women and my heart cannot lie.  I am also a fighter, and I want to fight for us.  I want to fight for all of the love that others have lost because people lost their faith.  I want to find all of that lost love and keep it safe.  I never want to lose love again.  I don’t believe my heart could take it.  

Maybe that’s why it hurts me so much when he is not happy.  He doesn’t understand how it pains me to upset him or see him unhappy, whether it was because of me or not.  We oftentimes have these misunderstandings or disagreements, and they cut me so deeply.  It’s not what he says that cuts me, though.  He is not harsh towards me.  It is just that in those moments happiness leaves temporarily, and that is what sucks life out of me.  I don’t even know why.  

Most people understand that disagreements happen.  There are highs and lows in relationships.  I do know this.  However, it still kills me when the lows come.  A low means that I have failed again.  I tell myself that I can not fail.  It’s actually more of a commandment to myself.  I have no idea where this comes from; why I am so hard on myself.  It would be easier if he owned me and commanded me rather than having to be my own person and stand for myself.  I know how crazy that sounds.

I love him so much but fear that I cannot be perfect enough for him.  I just want happiness.  I want flowers that never die and fairy tales that never end.