It’s been a while since my last post. I’ve done some crazy things lately and made some new discoveries. I love making discoveries about myself. I told the last guy not to contact me. He pissed me off by leading me on and giving me false hope, so he is no longer allowed in my life. I thought I was so close to finding the right person for me, but I was wrong… again. I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I have failed so many times that it’s not discouraging anymore but actually encouraging. I gave up at one point when I hit my all-time low. Relationships used to knock me down. Now, they lift me up higher than I was before. I learn something from each failed relationship that helps me in the next one and brings me one step closer to the right one.
I started to wonder if this last guy sabotaged our relationship on purpose. I wondered if he asked me to come back with the full intention of ruining things so badly that I would actually not want to be with him and move on faster. If that is the case, it’s pretty f*cking sick, and I really am better off. I really hope I never hear from him again, but I’m afraid that I might…
I had sex with a guy not too long ago that I’ve known for a couple of years. It’s not like me to just sleep with someone like that, but I really wanted to a long time ago and never did. I didn’t want him to be my first even though we had such intense sexual chemistry then. I thought I’d give this guy another shot. He would message me every now and then, so I thought I would see if there could be something there. Well, there was no intellectual chemistry there just like way back when, but he is still incredibly attractive and has a huge d*ck. He pushed it with me and I just didn’t want to resist, so I didn’t. It was ok and I’m glad I have no regrets about not pursuing that relationship back in the day. He is a great guy, but we just don’t click in my opinion.
I also chewed out a guy who I was once crazy about. He came back into my life after finding out I was single again and the chemistry was still very much alive with him. I was just drawn to this guy and decided to give him another chance. HA! What a joke. I’m sorry, but I am not going to be some guy’s sexting mistress. I want real men, real phone conversations, and real commitment. I fucking HATE players!!!!!!!! I’m just glad I turned down sex… that was hard to do.
I invested in a few dildos to keep my sex drive occupied while I take a break from sex and birth control. I’ve never owned one before, so this is kind of a new and exciting personal adventure for me. I ordered one of them right before the last guy dumped me. I was hoping we would be able to have some fun with it… oh well. That’s just one more extra the next guy will get. Another one I bought to do some web cam modeling, but after doing tons and tons of research on it, I just don’t think I can do it. I’m too afraid someone will recognize me, and that’s not my idea of a fun way to get famous.
Perhaps the strangest thing that has happened to me recently is finding out that my high school sweetheart is a swinger. I also discovered that I was not quite over him! Imagine that! It has been eight years since we broke up, and I had not completely healed from that! …until recently that is. He sent me a message on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday. We started talking because I told him of this strange dream I had about him the night before where he was asking me about relationship advice. One thing led to another, and we were talking about relationships and our breakup. I actually cried thinking about the night I broke up with him. I will never forget it, because I so badly did not want to do it. I loved him so much. One of the last things I said to him was that I would always love him, and I meant it. A part of me still does and probably always will. However, he is not someone that I would ever consider dating ever again. He doesn’t want kids and can’t commit to just one woman. I don’t judge him for that, but it’s vastly different than what I want. I think that having this conversation with him and being able to apologize was that last thing I needed to completely let go of him. Things still felt awkward between us when I saw him at a reunion last summer, and now I know why.
I am once again excited about the future. Nutcracker season is about to begin, and there are some promising men lining up to date me, so maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for this time. We shall see…