My high school sweetheart is a swinger?!

It’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve done some crazy things lately and made some new discoveries.  I love making discoveries about myself.  I told the last guy not to contact me.  He pissed me off by leading me on and giving me false hope, so he is no longer allowed in my life.   I thought I was so close to finding the right person for me, but I was wrong… again.  I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I have failed so many times that it’s not discouraging anymore but actually encouraging.  I gave up at one point when I hit my all-time low.  Relationships used to knock me down.  Now, they lift me up higher than I was before.  I learn something from each failed relationship that helps me in the next one and brings me one step closer to the right one.

I started to wonder if this last guy sabotaged our relationship on purpose.  I wondered if he asked me to come back with the full intention of ruining things so badly that I would actually not want to be with him and move on faster.  If that is the case, it’s pretty f*cking sick, and I really am better off.  I really hope I never hear from him again, but I’m afraid that I might…

I had sex with a guy not too long ago that I’ve known for a couple of years.  It’s not like me to just sleep with someone like that, but I really wanted to a long time ago and never did.  I didn’t want him to be my first even though we had such intense sexual chemistry then.  I thought I’d give this guy another shot.  He would message me every now and then, so I thought I would see if there could be something there.  Well, there was no intellectual chemistry there just like way back when, but he is still incredibly attractive and has a huge d*ck.  He pushed it with me and I just didn’t want to resist, so I didn’t.  It was ok and I’m glad I have no regrets about not pursuing that relationship back in the day.  He is a great guy, but we just don’t click in my opinion.

I also chewed out a guy who I was once crazy about.  He came back into my life after finding out I was single again and the chemistry was still very much alive with him.  I was just drawn to this guy and decided to give him another chance.  HA!  What a joke.  I’m sorry, but I am not going to be some guy’s sexting mistress.  I want real men, real phone conversations, and real commitment.  I fucking HATE players!!!!!!!!  I’m just glad I turned down sex… that was hard to do.

I invested in a few dildos to keep my sex drive occupied while I take a break from sex and birth control.  I’ve never owned one before, so this is kind of a new and exciting personal adventure for me.  I ordered one of them right before the last guy dumped me.  I was hoping we would be able to have some fun with it… oh well.  That’s just one more extra the next guy will get.  Another one I bought to do some web cam modeling, but after doing tons and tons of research on it, I just don’t think I can do it.  I’m too afraid someone will recognize me, and that’s not my idea of a fun way to get famous.

Perhaps the strangest thing that has happened to me recently is finding out that my high school sweetheart is a swinger.  I also discovered that I was not quite over him!  Imagine that!  It has been eight years since we broke up, and I had not completely healed from that! …until recently that is.  He sent me a message on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday.  We started talking because I told him of this strange dream I had about him the night before where he was asking me about relationship advice.  One thing led to another, and we were talking about relationships and our breakup.  I actually cried thinking about the night I broke up with him.  I will never forget it, because I so badly did not want to do it. I loved him so much.  One of the last things I said to him was that I would always love him, and I meant it.  A part of me still does and probably always will.  However, he is not someone that I would ever consider dating ever again.  He doesn’t want kids and can’t commit to just one woman.  I don’t judge him for that, but it’s vastly different than what I want.  I think that having this conversation with him and being able to apologize was that last thing I needed to completely let go of him.  Things still felt awkward between us when I saw him at a reunion last summer, and now I know why.

I am once again excited about the future.  Nutcracker season is about to begin, and there are some promising men lining up to date me, so maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for this time.  We shall see…

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I should have cancelled date 3…

Yep… I went against that tiny small voice inside of me that told me to run and I went on a third date with him. I don’t know what that little voice was trying to say. Perhaps it was saying, “I know you’re trying to branch out and try something new, but this is not a good idea!” By date four, we were sleeping together and beginning a relationship that I thought was going to last. Boy was I wrong.

I just spent my evening after work dancing like an idiot around my apartment, doing handstands, and spinning in circles like I did when I was five. I had a couple of Mike’s Hard Lemonades, cranked up some music, and celebrated. Why? No fucking clue! I am just happy to say “FUCK THE WORLD!”

He broke up with me AGAIN! Two weeks off and then two weeks on. AND, he did it through text message. TEXT MESSAGE! …because he just couldn’t stand to see me upset. He thought I would be upset. HAHAHA! I wasn’t upset… I was fuckin’ pissed! He already hurt me, so I was still moving past that and didn’t have a chance to feel for him again just yet. I did not and will not shed one more tear over this boy. He’s not the awesome man I thought he was and not worth the tears. I’m over it! After he sent me his breakup text, I immediately went to single on Facebook, and then went to work and had an awesome night. I told him to throw my stuff away and not to call me. I hope I never fucking see him again. He told me he wouldn’t change his mind and that he wouldn’t do this to me again. HAHAHA! Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve heard that before. So, this tells me that he could change his mind yet again, because he said he wouldn’t and did anyway, and is now saying that this is his final decision… geez… Well, if he does, there ain’t no way in HELL I’m letting him back in. Too fuckin late!

After asking me to be his girlfriend again, things just didn’t feel the same. I had already mourned losing him and then felt very uneasy about everything once we were back on. He was calling the shots, and I hate that. I had no problem with him pursuing his dream of moving to Chicago for Improv Comedy, because I was likely going to be on a traveling dance company. He says he was feeling guilty about being so distant and that he meant everything he has ever said to me. So, he’s hopelessly losing love to this dream that is consuming him… how tragic. Fuck him. I told him that this is the worst mistake that he will probably ever make, and if he disagrees, then he really didn’t know what he had.

It must suck to truly believe that living for yourself is the best that life has to offer you. Believing that there is no existence beyond life after this one is his motivation for taking this leap because he doesn’t want to have regrets. I get that, but a life without love is empty indeed. It is possible to have both dreams and love. What do you do when you have everything you want and no one to share it with? What happens when you fail, and all you have is a lonely apartment waiting for you? How wonderful do you feel when you’re fucking someone just to relieve yourself and they have no respect for you? I’m sure he’ll find someone in Chicago to fuck. How empty that will be… You know, on a side note, I finally started researching toys to incorporate into our sex life. I thought that would have been fun. I’ve never owned one before. My goodness, he will never have anyone as fun as me. Sounds conceited, but he knows it’s true.

What did I learn from this relationship? Let’s see…

– Listen to your gut (I think I’ve learned this one a hundred times now)
– Date someone who is at least spiritual
– Sex really is very important to the health of the relationship
– I am much freakier and much more skilled sexually than I realized
– If he says he doesn’t like his job, THAT’S A RED FLAG!
– Make him wait to have sex with you until you know he has some strong feelings for you. He does not fucking deserve your body, ever! MAKE HIM EARN IT!
– A man really can express how he feels about you without words. Actions are so powerful.
– If he tells you that he is a fucking weirdo, believe him.
– If he breaks up with you, MOVE ON. It doesn’t matter what his reasons are. He’s retarded, his mind is made up, and you don’t want a fucking retard anyway. Oh yeah, you also have plenty of other options.

END RANT

LIFE! TAKE 437,221. “CLAP! …AAAAND ACTION!”

What I really want to say to him…

…but I just can’t bring myself to.  There’s still a huge part of me that is hanging on. No part of me wants to move on except for that small part that is in survival mode and knows this will kill me if I let it.  That part of me will win soon.  I can’t control it.  Survival will take over…  Anyway, here it goes…

I thought you were the most amazing man in the world. Then I realized that the most amazing man would not have let me go.  The most amazing man would not have chosen himself over me.  The most amazing man is not that selfish.  I need to let go of who I thought you were and realize what I see now.  It’s time for me to move on and let the real most-amazing-man-in-the-world find me.

I know your fear is that I will feel neglected by you, but YOU have control over that!  You are a main ingredient in US, and YOU have the power to make US work.  However, you chose not to even try.  You just gave up.  Coward.

You know, there is a far worse feeling than being neglected by you.  There was one time when I felt you didn’t want to be around me, and that stung, My heart sunk a little, but then I realized I was misinterpreting the situation.  Anyway, I do understand that feeling of neglect, and I have felt it many times from others, but there is something worse.  Being completely rejected by the man you care about more than anything is far worse.  It is comparable to being rejected by my dad as a child.  He didn’t just neglect me, he completely rejected me.  He gave up his rights as a father so that he could go live the life he wanted.  I don’t get why you wanted to can us so bad when you had someone who was so willing to figure this out with you!

I was SO WILLING to go with you and figure this out together, because that’s what great couples do, and that’s what I thought we were: a GREAT couple. I’ve never wanted that with anyone.

So, I have been dealing with the feelings of being completely and utterly rejected for something that will ultimately be very unfulfilling.  How do you compare a person to an artistic passion?  That is just asinine. Nothing is better than being with the person you connect with on such a deep level. Nothing is more fulfilling than building a life with that person, and it hurts so bad that I have been denied that.  The absurdity of choosing a THING over ME… just… hurts.  You have chosen to destroy something that had the potential to be so awesome.  I don’t know anyone who would give that up for anything.  We could have been two artists living the dream together and figuring out how to make that work together one day at a time.  You have let your fears ruin the best thing that ever happened to you, and for that, I feel so sorry for you.  I do hope you find it again when you are ready, but why would you take that risk?! WHY? Some never find it.  It took me 12 years to find you.  I can’t imagine another day without you… but now I have to.  I have no choice.  I just pray it doesn’t take that long again to find another you.

You broke up with me.  You don’t get to see me anymore. YOU made that choice.  I know you want to hang out and be friends, but I can NOT do that to myself.  My heart can not take it.  You want to have something with me with no commitment.  No strings attached.  Sorry, I refuse to be used like that.  I want something different.  I want what I thought we had.  If the thought of me being with someone else is so gross to you, then fucking do something about it.  If you really have feelings for me like you say, and you really miss me, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate why you did what you did.  It just makes absolutely NO sense at all.  And, I am just a hair from disappearing from your life for good.

I will end up being that girl who holds on for dear life, the girl that hopes he will come around and thinks that if she just gives him what he wants, he will change his mind.  No.  I will not be that girl, but I will turn into her if I keep you in my life.  I had a nightmare last night about you.  I dreamt that I took you to the airport.  I kissed you at the security checkpoint, told you I loved you for the first time, and watched you walk away.  That would be the final tear in this thing that has been ripping me apart.  I can NOT do that to myself.  I just can’t.  This dream was a premonition of what is to come for me if I continue on this path and I won’t have it come true.

You said you gave me four months.  Really?  Like I should feel so blessed to have had four months?!  60 YEARS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TIME WITH YOU!  You were the most amazing man in the world to me.  Not anymore.  I guess I was wrong.  It’s time for me to move on.

Goodbye.

When life throws you a curveball…

When Life Throws You a Curveball...

After moping around for a week, eating almost nothing but ice cream, and trying to figure out what the f*ck happened, I decided to talk to my dad. He was just completely stupefied by why anyone would choose improv comedy over someone as wonderful as me. Now, I know he is my dad, but my dad is not and never was that parent who believed the sun shined out of his kid’s ass. He is a very realistic person who knows what he wants in life and works hard for what he has. He knows what my faults are, and I always felt somewhat inadequate like he looked upon me as a failure at life.  I know he loves me and would do anything for me, because he has, but I don’t ever hear the words, “I’m proud of you” from him.  So, I believe his compliments on the rare occasions that I get them.  When my dad has something to say, I listen, because he doesn’t offer advice often.  And, he doesn’t just say stuff to make me feel good.

It’s also easy for me to believe what he says, because he is kind of an outsider.  He is my step dad although he did adopt me when my biological father gave up his parental rights when I was 12. So, yeah, it made absolutely no sense to him why this guy would break up with me to chase something he only discovered he loved FIVE months ago.  He said that, to him, it is so stupid to give up a life with me to chase something with no guarantee and where the odds are so against you.  He said, “being dirt poor gets old real fast, and who wants to live on welfare when they are older because they didn’t save for retirement when they could have?”  He actually understood why I chased my dream for as long as I did because I spent most of my life training for it.  I thought he looked down on me all these years.  My dad told me what a catch I am and how any man would be so lucky to have me.

Wow.  I didn’t realize that my dad thought so highly of me.  He thought this guy was the luckiest man alive to have had me for the time he did and the dumbest man alive to throw it away.  My dad concluded that he really doesn’t know me at all, because if he did, he wouldn’t have let me go.  My dad was just beside himself because he could not make sense of it all, and my dad has a genius level IQ, mind you… None of my explanations to defend him held any water with my dad whatsoever.

I needed that talk.  It gave me so much clarity.  I understand chasing a dream because I’ve done it, but at some point, you have to be realistic.  He gave up the best thing that ever happened to him, and for what?  To take a stab in the dark and hope for the best?  That can either make me feel completely worthless, or I can look at it as “he really is nuts.”  Or, this guy actually doesn’t think we are a match and won’t tell me that for whatever reason.  I do know what a catch I am.  It was just so reassuring to hear it from my dad, a man whom I respect and who so many people look up to.

I still think this guy is pretty effin’ amazing, but each day that goes by is one more strike against him if he ever does change his mind.  And, that’s not because I’m angry.  Time and distance just does that.  I will not chase him, so as far as he’s concerned, I’m gone.  My heart is still tied up with him, but there’s only so much time left before that is permanently damaged.  I can’t control that.  We may talk or hang out eventually, but I will be no one’s fuck buddy.  I am so much better than that and deserve so much more.  Sex for me is reserved for committed relationships only.  I tried that once, and I’ve decided not to play that game ever again.  I did consider it with him, but why the hell would I do that to myself?!  Alright, enough of that…

You know, there aren’t a lot of women anymore who are career-minded and incredibly driven but also want to be homemakers, actually raise their own kids, take care of their man in every way, who are patient and selfless, and who are independent as well… women who are fun, always looking for ways to spice things up, who are beautiful and loyal, and who genuinely show interest and support the passions of the men they love… women who respect their men in every way and always look for opportunities to show the world just how lucky they are to have him… women who don’t always have to be right and thrive on communication and compromise because it makes them better together.

We had so much potential to be incredible together.  I hope that finds me again.  I know that amazing men are pretty rare, but amazing women are even more hard to come by.  I sure hope he finds what he’s looking for, and I hope what he finds is worth what he lost.

(I also really hope he’s not reading my blog anymore)

A Change of Heart

Since writing about there “being no one for me if this guy doesn’t work out,” I’ve really been thinking about that.  Something very interesting happened to me recently that I thought I would share, and it made me change my mind about this whole giving up on love thing…

I was in a short film recently where I had to play a very emotional role and cry on cue.  I have a difficult time with making fake tears, so I always have to find something inside me that devastates me to the point of tears.  What did I focus on?  The last guy who shattered my heart and how horrible it felt.  I wondered for a while after the shoot if I still wasn’t over him.  I quickly realized that was not the case.  I pretty much hate him.  I also realized how that was my rock bottom.  I got through it and it still hurts if I think about it too hard, but unless my future husband has an affair, I don’t think I will ever hit that rock bottom again.  Why?  Because I’m better than that.

I will never again put my whole heart into someone until I know without a doubt that he not only wants it but will give his whole heart to me as well.  I’ve never been so guarded before, but all this pain sure did teach me a lesson.  It’s almost like I can’t even control it.  My heart is literally still bruised and healing and will not budge right now, and that’s okay.  I am dating a wonderful man now and enjoying getting to know him without either of us rushing anything.  It’s awesome!  I think my fear of him hurting me is helping me keep my guard right where it needs to be.

I do not need any man to complete me or make me happy.  I have so many other things in my life to do that for me.  I am confident in my own skin and know that any man would be lucky to have me.  I believe this new boyfriend of mine sees that, and I think that’s what he likes about me. I do, however, want an amazing man to share my exciting life with.  And, I want to be with someone who is equally as interesting.  I think I finally found that balance in my relationship!

I feel now that if this relationship ended, I would be sad, but not devastated. I put my whole heart into that last relationship way too fast thinking that was it.  I’m not doing that this time, because I finally realize that good men are not so hard to find.  I think I’ve found me a spectacular one, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find another one if this one flakes out.  This is a good place for me to be right now.  I care about him very much and do many things to show him that.  I am definitely holding up my end of the relationship and then some, because I am a very giving person.  However, I am holding my heart back a little until the time is right.

I found hope again.  I gave up on love once, and I won’t do it again.

Ballet

I think ballet is the only structure I have in my life right now.  It is the only thing I have that is a positive constant in my life.  That and my puppy.  She’s an adorable and sweet puppy.  She never turns down my kisses and is always happy to see me.  I have decided to pile on extra ballet classes to fill in the time that I would have spent dating.  I’ve been wanting to pour my heart into ballet more and now I have the chance to do it.  I was so happy to have the opportunity to dance today. SO HAPPY!

I had lunch with a good friend of mine today who is going through a divorce.  She’s in her early twenties, and I’m so proud of her for being so strong.  She was married for a year and claims he completely changed the day after they got married.  I don’t know if I can believe that none of her friends or family saw warning signs.  I’m sure I would have seen something had I really gotten to know him.  Anyway, she well through absolute hell in that year of being married.  I wasn’t married, but I felt every bit as much shattered as she does.  I was stronger at her age, too.  I feel that I get weaker each time my heart gets broken, and I have six plus years on her of going through heartbreak.  I don’t know what is worse, my situation or hers.  She is still young, I’m not.  She has time on her side.  I’m running out.

One thing she did say to me, though, when I explained my “not having enough glue” analogy was that instead of gluing the pieces back together, you have to weld them together and start over… make something stronger than was there before… rise from the ashes.  I don’t know if my heart was pulverized to dust, but it was close.  I definitely need to figure out how to use a welder.

Dignity…

…the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect.

“Our dignity is the one self-concept we humans dread losing and will try to maintain at all costs.”

This is an awesome quote that really stood out to me in my pedagogy class tonight. This is exactly why the relationship with my mom is so strained. I feel that she takes my dignity away all the time.  I had the guts to tell her how I feel about her a couple of weeks ago.  I usually just sit there while she lectures me and tells me how I do everything wrong, how I push everyone away, how I’m self-destructive, and how the whole family agrees with her about me.  I finally told her that she never tells me that she is proud of me.  You know what she said to me?  “Well, you haven’t done much to be proud of lately.”  Wow.  So all of my accomplishments in dance, community service, being the first of my family to get a college degree, my current pageant title, and finally deciding to be a teacher are nothing to be proud of… apparently not.

It’s a good thing I have been learning how to separate myself from her the past few years.  I have been learning how to validate myself without her support, which is hard to do while living with her.  I stay away from home a lot and stay very busy.  Maybe that’s why I decided so late in life to try doing a pageant.  Maybe I subconsciously needed the validation that I could do and be something greater than myself.  I have made so many good friends who build me up and keep me thinking positively about myself.  That, to me, is a very good thing.

I was talking to my sister today and telling her how it feels to be looked so down upon by my family.  It’s like they see me as this little child who is incapable of making any good choices and I have to be guided along with someone holding my hand every step of the way.  They do not trust me to make decisions that are best for me.  They try to run my life and then get angry when I don’t do things their way.  I feel so alienated and misunderstood by my family, and they don’t care.  If I ever tell my mom how I feel, I end up being the selfish one who has pushed everyone away.  What about taking me seriously for once?  Aren’t my feelings valid at some point?  I can’t be that crazy!  Maybe my mom has painted this picture of me to my family that is not true.  Maybe her perception of me is really just that: hers!

I said to my sister, “it really sucks not being trusted by your own family,” and she just told me that I don’t make good decisions.  I said, “well that’s your opinion.”  I dated one really bad person for a year, and that ended about a year ago.  So, because I got so stuck in that relationship, they think I’m self-destructive.  My sister really thinks that if they had not been so vocal about my horrible choices in that relationship, that I would have destroyed my life by staying with him. What she doesn’t realize is that I completely tuned them out after a while and made the choice to get out of the relationship myself.  I MADE THAT DECISION!  THEY DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR ME!  I’m the one that had to make those decisions, because I’m the one that had to live with them.  I had to say goodbye to someone I loved dearly, not them!

That period of my life was absolute hell, because everyone in my life was against me.  I had absolutely NO support.  I was madly in love with the wrong person, and instead of my family helping me through it, I was pinned against the wall for it.  I was lectured and told that I was stupid.  I’m sure it is scary to see someone you care about in a bad relationship, but I needed support, not added stress.  I needed for my parents to trust me to make the right decision for me.  What I needed was for someone to say, “I understand you and what you are going through and that you will make the right choice in the end.”  I was dating the wrong person AND my family was angry with me.  I knew I wouldn’t stay with him, but I didn’t know how to get out.  I was very suicidal and felt completely alone.  I did have one friend who was very understanding, and she is probably the sole reason I did not end my life.  Well that, and I knew my family would be devastated.  I didn’t want to prove them right about me being so incredibly selfish.  My friend helped me see light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s just what I needed.

I may have made some very different decisions after that relationship than I would have before it, but I came out of that relationship a completely different person than I was before it.  I had sex for the first time, started to see my mom as not being right all the time, embarked on a very difficult spiritual journey, began to see sex in a more mature and healthy light, and I discovered my own sense of morality that was my own, not one that someone told me to have.  I slept with someone I was not in a relationship with and learned from that how I didn’t want to do that again.  I slept with someone who I was in a relationship with but wasn’t in love with, and I learned that I didn’t want that either.  Then I learned what making love is, and that’s what I want, but I need to spend more time cultivating a relationship before going there.  I need to make sure that he is going to be around for the long haul and not give up because he’s scared of commitment.  It takes time to really get to know someone and truly love them.  I knew all of this, but I really learned it.

I completely understand the concept of how your actions affect everyone around you, especially your family.  I know that if I got pregnant, it would not be a good thing right now.  BUT, they also have to trust me to be smart about that.  They did raise me very well.  I’m not stupid, and waiting until you’re 27 to have sex is quite remarkable.  How about being proud of that?!  Oh, but it’s okay for the little sister to do it, just not me, because I’m retarded.  I try to tell myself that they are just harder on me because they expect greater things of me.  It gets harder and harder to believe that, especially when you are told you are stupid…  I have tried so hard not to be a burden on my parents.  That’s probably one reason why I haven’t moved out yet, because I’m so afraid to fail and have to move back home or ask them to bail me out.  I never ask them for anything. NEVER.

I am very happy that I waited until my late 20s to have sex, because I feel that I am emotionally mature enough to handle it.  I waited until I was in love, so I cannot regret that.  It is not the emotionally scarring thing that I was told it would be if you do it with the wrong person.  I truly do not have regrets about those experiences because I really learned from them.  I think regret comes from not understanding the lesson you are supposed to learn and not being able to forgive yourself for making a mistake.  Mistakes are opportunities to grow.  They are not red marks on your research paper.  I actually did feel regret for a while about sleeping with my last boyfriend, because I was so in love with him.  I think that’s because I was mad at myself for knowing better than to move so fast.  I did know better, but what I learned from that was what the voice of my gut sounds like.  I learned so well that my gut feelings are spot on and that I should NEVER ignore them.  I knew it was too fast when he told me he loved me.  I knew he didn’t know me well enough to say it, but I ignored that feeling and went with it, because I wanted him to be the last person I would ever have to date, and I wanted him to feel validated in being so open with me.  I have ignored those gut feelings a lot in my life in order to make others happy, including my mom.

My mom has been a terrific mom.  She has taught me so many things and shared so much of her wisdom with me.  She really is one of the strongest people I know considering how terrible her life was up until about 15 years ago.  However, she has not allowed me to learn from experience, which is how I learn best.  She hates that I learn best from experience.  It’s so ironic that she is the one who taught me how you can’t raise each of your children exactly the same way, because their personalities demand different parenting methods.  I was always so angry growing up that my youngest sister was treated so differently and got away with so much, but I understand why now.  What my mom needs to see is that she doesn’t really believe that.  If she did, she might not be so hard on me.

I feel that I have learned so much from my mom’s wisdom, and I stayed out of so much trouble compared to my peers in school because of that. However, there is only so much you can learn by just listening to someone’s advice and warnings.  You know, learning from experience may be the hardest way to learn life lessons, but that’s who I am, and that’s okay.