My sun

I was destroyed
And then you gave me new life
You re-ignited my flame
That so many others left an ember
I waited so long for you to find me
And your dreams finally materialized
You saw me years ago, and despite your turmoil
Never gave up…
You searched
and were deceived
You perished
and wandered towards the light
You conquered
and were reborn
You embarked on a journey
To find that dream from years ago
To search again
To claim your happiness
And now we are united and our stars have aligned
You are my sun
I am your moon
Soul mates for all of eternity past and future
A love I never thought existed right before my eyes

Well, life is funny…

I didn’t write much last year, because I sort of gave up.  I lost my passion for life and didn’t care anymore that I wasn’t ever going to meet a great guy.  I barely survived my first year of teaching, which destroyed what I thought was a relationship that was going somewhere, so I was pretty miserable at the start of my summer last year.  I somehow managed to win a state pageant, so I am a state beauty pageant titleholder!  That was the highlight of my year.  Well, that and one other thing that I will get to later…

Let me tell you what happens when you are a state beauty pageant titleholder and you give up on finding a great guy… CRAZY SHIT!!!!

I’ll explain. It started with not being able to get over my ex. I found myself in another relationship that I used to get over that one.  I’ve never done that before, and I knew better, but after seven months of being terribly depressed, I figured I needed to start dating again.  BAD IDEA.  They guy was a really good guy, just definitely not a match for me.  He told me he loved me after a week of officially being boyfriend/girlfriend, and my feelings plateaued after that.  I was very excited about him at first, but that died faster than any guy I’ve ever dated.  I ended up having to get on unemployment, because I couldn’t go back to teaching for health reasons, so my summer was consumed with catching up on sleep I never got for nine months of teaching and utter laziness.  I was so lost and unhealthy. I didn’t know what to do.

Then, I went with my mom to her 30 year high school reunion all the way across the country, and randomly met a super sweet guy.  We just clicked, and he was the perfect example of the nice nerdy guys I used to go for.  He was SUPER cute!  BUT, he was all the way on the other side of the country and I had a boyfriend that I wasn’t excited about.  Just my luck: meet a great guy that I can’t date because he’s too far away.

So, I break up with that boyfriend after three months and decide to date a guy I never considered since I met him four years ago.  He had been trying for four years, and I had given up, so I figured, why not?  He’s hot, and I don’t care what kind of person he is at this point. BAD IDEA. Not only was I right on about this guy being a total player, he has SEVERE narcissictic personality disorder.  I started to feel very strung along after about a month, so I called it quits and he FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!  He started contacting my friends and family on Facebook to try to make me look like a crazy person and started posting horrible things about me on his own Facebook wall.  Geez…  I knew he was nuts, but I had NO IDEA.

Then, I meet this chef guy at a charity event.  I had zero interest at first, but we exchanged cards and a couple weeks later he starts pursuing me hardcore.  He said a lot of very fabulous things, which I bought even though I knew better, and we started dating a little.  I should have seen red flags all over him when he would call me like 10 times a day, but I didn’t care to notice the flags because I just didn’t fucking care anymore.  Well, he invites himself over one night to cook me this gourmet dinner, which I thought was pretty cool.  He then got me drunk, which I’ve only been like twice in my life, and took advantage of me.  I can’t claim rape, because it wasn’t, and I’m a fair and honest person, but he definitely took advantage of the situation like scumbags do.  Anyway, I never make such stupid decisions, but like I said, I just didn’t care anymore.  So, I decided to stick with it and see how it panned out, since I made a stupid decision already… He asked me to be his date to the biggest charity ball that exists out here.  Thousands and thousands of people go to this thing.  I was there volunteering for a couple of hours and he had some networking to do.  Well, it’s time for us to meet up, and it takes me quite a while to find him.  The group I was with and I end up chasing him around this huge place for about an hour until I was so pissed I couldn’t take it anymore.  He treated me like absolute shit and abandoned me!!!! He also hung out with another girl all night and never even got one photo with me, HIS DATE!  He was so rude and so ungentlemanlike, I was shocked.  Who seriously asks Miss _______ to be his date and then abandons her at an event!!!!  Forget the title, who does that to any girl???

So, here I am wondering what the hell his problem is after giving him a chance when he really had none to begin with.  I gave him the benefit of a doubt when he told me about his business and owning restaurants all over the world.  I didn’t realize that there are people who tell such EXTRAVIGANT LIES because they really have nothing and still live with their parents at 35 years old. Geez… What a crazy bastard.  So much shit came out about him after that evening.  I haven’t spoken to him since other than texting.  I told him he lost me as a romantic partner and friend.  He seriously tried to apologize via text!  And, only after I called him out on it and backed him into a corner! Fecking asshole!  Apparently, this is what he does to women.  He always goes after what he can’t have, or he goes for women with incredibly low self-esteem, uses them, and then screws them over big time.  He doesn’t own any restaurants other than a catering company, which isn’t doing well because he’s such a terrible person. The only review he has for his company is a review he posted himself talking about how wonderful he is. BAHAHAHAHA! #classic

Then… are you ready for this? …

I met the most amazing man on the planet.

Seriously, he’s the one. I can feel it.

I gave up, and then he appeared.  Isn’t that how it always happens to people?  They say when you know, you just know. And that’s how I always knew I was with the wrong person. I never just knew, ya know? haha… I digress.  This man is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and kind of reminds me of the guy I met all the way across the country last summer.  Very attractive, but not in a man-whore way, but in a very sweet and cute way.  He has ignited a fire in me that other men have slowly been extinguishing over the years, and I feel like I am flying.  My passions have returned.  I’m writing again, dancing again, working on my spirituality again, learning meditation, and just being happy again.

I also landed my dream job.  It’s a pay cut, but I am so much happier and less stressed.  I am finally excited about life again, and I hope you all find your happiness and passion for life this year!

Flowers and Fairy Tales

ImageLove is not really what I thought it would be.  Maybe everyone realizes this at some point, but I always wanted it to be different for me.  I still tell myself that it will be different; that I will not be in one of those relationships where all they do is find ways to make each other miserable or make fun of each other to their friends.  I don’t understand how or when love turns sour for people.  Anyway, love has not turned sour for me, but it’s not what I thought it would be either.  I have more happy days than not, but I don’t feel that I have landed my happily ever after like every girl dreams.  I know why fairy tales were invented.  Their purpose is for adults to lie to themselves about the realities they live in and to mask those realities from their children.  They think that by lying to their children it will pave a better path for them.  Giving people false hope not only fucks with their heads eventually, but it also makes them even more devastated when they do learn of the truth.

I never did completely buy into the fairy tales, but I hoped I could make one for myself.  Maybe I still can.  I wonder sometimes if life would be better serving myself and only myself.  Making myself happy is hard enough, so how is making someone else happy going to be any easier?  It seems to be quite difficult sometimes.  It’s like telling a frog and a flamingo to live their lives happily together.  They don’t even speak the same language.  

I wish sometimes that a marriage could have been arranged for me.  That way we would be starting together on the same foot and we would make love happen not just wait for it.  Some people believe that love is a choice.  Others believe it chooses you.  I wonder if love is like a flower versus a seed.  One of them is very pretty when you find it and stays very pretty for a while before it quickly dries up and dies.  The other, with care and nurturing, grows to be something very beautiful with deep solid roots.  It can reproduce and bloom over and over again.

One time, love slapped me in the face.  I had no choice in the matter, and he ended up being a very evil person.  He was my friend of nine years, and one day, I saw him differently.  My heart was pierced for him one day and it never healed.  Tearing myself away from that was one of the hardest but smartest things I ever did.  If you can choose to love someone, why not choose someone whom you think is worthy to spend the rest of your days with?

Well, what can I say… I want the best of both worlds.  I want to fall in love and it be with someone who is absolutely magnificent.  In a way, I believe I have done just that.  He is amazing in so many ways, but life is hard.  Bills are hard to pay, but I love him.  I know he will be the provider soon.  That is who he is.  I understand why women seduce rich men.  It makes life easier.  But, I am not dishonest like those women and my heart cannot lie.  I am also a fighter, and I want to fight for us.  I want to fight for all of the love that others have lost because people lost their faith.  I want to find all of that lost love and keep it safe.  I never want to lose love again.  I don’t believe my heart could take it.  

Maybe that’s why it hurts me so much when he is not happy.  He doesn’t understand how it pains me to upset him or see him unhappy, whether it was because of me or not.  We oftentimes have these misunderstandings or disagreements, and they cut me so deeply.  It’s not what he says that cuts me, though.  He is not harsh towards me.  It is just that in those moments happiness leaves temporarily, and that is what sucks life out of me.  I don’t even know why.  

Most people understand that disagreements happen.  There are highs and lows in relationships.  I do know this.  However, it still kills me when the lows come.  A low means that I have failed again.  I tell myself that I can not fail.  It’s actually more of a commandment to myself.  I have no idea where this comes from; why I am so hard on myself.  It would be easier if he owned me and commanded me rather than having to be my own person and stand for myself.  I know how crazy that sounds.

I love him so much but fear that I cannot be perfect enough for him.  I just want happiness.  I want flowers that never die and fairy tales that never end.

I lost me

I sometimes wonder where I’m going in life.  I wonder who I am and what my purpose is here.  I used to think I was unique… that I was some kind of gift to this world.  I now feel that I am just like everybody else…  just one of a few billion.  I am slowly losing my zest for life.  The stresses of being an adult are getting to me.  I’m a student, a waitress, a daughter, a girlfriend, an activist for charities, and trying to keep up with my fitness for dance.  It’s just too much.

I thought I was a unique individual.  Now, here I am trying to prove myself to man.  I used to be that unique girl that men wanted and that wanted no matter what my shortcomings were.  Maybe I still am and just don’t see it.  I feel that my loss of uniqueness means that I am viewed as more of a failure than I used to be, or that I have more to prove than I used to.  I understand that everyone has to prove themselves trustworthy, and that takes time.  I guess I just can’t explain how I feel at the moment.  Words are failing me.  Oh the irony.

I feel that I fail him a lot and I’m not sure if it’s because I take things the wrong way or if I really am failing and disappointing him.  I have come to love him very much and I know he loves and cares for me.  He shows me more than he says it.  He seems to have everything I want in someone plus that special something that makes me always have those emotional highs.  I don’t know if there is something wrong with me, or if we are just on different wavelengths and misunderstand each other all the time.  We talk much more than any other relationship I’ve been in, and we don’t fight, so we are communicating well, but maybe just not effectively?  

I don’t know.  

I want to be loved, protected, trusted, coveted…  I want to be the only woman a man desires and the only one that can fulfill those desires satisfactorily.  Something has happened to me, and I don’t know what that is.  I used to be that woman and I no longer am.  I need to figure out where that uniqueness went and what exactly it was.  I thought I knew myself better now.  He says he has been trying to figure me out.  How can he if I can’t even figure me out?  I know what I want from someone.  I just don’t know what I want from myself anymore… I guess in the midst of this whole “running from religion” process, I actually lost me.

 

I love being in love

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You’re my survival, you’re my living proof.
My love is alive and not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I’ve dropped out, I’ve burned up, I’ve fought my way back from the dead.
I’ve tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your…
I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.

The greatest fan of your life.
…greatest fan of your life.

 – “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain

Fear

I received a message not too long ago from the recent ex.  He has obviously been following me on Facebook.  Here’s what it said: “It really warms my heart to see how happy you are, and if we have a barrier where I can’t tell you something like that, then you should probably unfriend me because friends can say that kind of thing. That’s it. Oh, and Happy Holidays.”

Really?  I’m sorry, but I just can’t go from lovers to friends like that when the former lover hurt me like he did.  To choose something like comedy over me out of fear of hurting me is letting fear win.  He let his fear win.  In his mind, it was either hurt me now or hurt me later, so he chose now.  I didn’t respond.  I just deleted him.  I’m still bitter about it, because I don’t understand it.  I would choose to face the fear and work through it.  That’s what I do every day.

You see, I have this horrible fear of dying.  It stems from being a religious fanatic growing up and believing that when I died, I would go to heaven.  So, I had nothing to fear.  Death was just a way to pass from this life into eternal life where everything would be better than this life.  Believing that way was a wonderful way to live.  I lived in a fantasy world where God would always forgive me, and I didn’t have to fear anything because God was on my side.  A few years ago, I woke up and saw all of the deceit and manipulation that exists in religion.  I hate lies and am a truth seeker, so I began to seek truth wherever I could find it.

It all started when I began to ask this question, “Other people on the other side of the world think they have the right answers.  They think I’m wrong.  I think I have the right answers and think that they are wrong.  Well, someone has to be right, and someone has to be wrong.  What if that person is me?  What if I am wrong?”  Once I began to look at my belief system and see how flawed it really was, it crushed me.  I was very depressed for a long time, because I could not figure out what the right answers were.  I finally realized that there are none.  We all have a piece of this large puzzle.  No one has it all right.

I do have some peace now, but I still have this incredible fear of death.  I think about it every day.  I look at people and feel sorry for them, because one day, they won’t be here anymore.  Fading into nothingness terrifies me, and if I let it, the fear will cripple me.

That’s what fear does. It cripples people.  It holds them back from being who they really could be and keeps them from living life to the fullest.  It prevents happiness in all aspects…

If you allow it to.

I fight this fear every day.  I face it, and I push myself through it even though it terrifies me.  He chose to let fear win.  I choose to let fear make me stronger.  It drives me to be a better person for myself and others.  I really do feel that I am finally on the right path to change the world.  I’ve always felt like I had a high calling in life, so we shall see.

Here’s to fear.  Fight!

Life goes on

I decided last month to exclusively date that guy I spoke of a couple of posts ago as being very patient. It has been a little over two months since we met in person and things are great so far! I think I have found someone who is awesome and won’t flake out on me. Time will tell, but it’s definitely time for some stability.

Facebook is pissing me off again because everyone and their dog is getting married. I even have a girl friend in her early 20s who just got engaged after getting divorced last year. She’s stupid and I’m glad it’s not me, but it’s so unfair that she will be married before me, and a second time for that matter! I’m going to be 30 next year. Yes, I’m happy I am not divorced and happy I’m not in an unhappy marriage, but when is it going to be my turn? It can’t really be that easy to find someone and stay happy, I guess. If it was, I would be married and my friends wouldn’t be divorced. However, I do have more friends married and happy than not… I dunno.

I just need to focus on what I have in front of me right now rather than get caught up with pressures of society. I am dating an incredible man and enjoying getting to know him. I am trying not to be impatient by rushing, and I have done very well so far! I am just so sick of beginning relationships, getting attached, and then getting hurt. I have developed some strong feelings for this great guy rather quickly, so I’m hoping it doesn’t backfire, because I don’t know how much more my heart can take.

We exchanged ‘I love you’s’ the other day, and it felt so good to say it. I found myself wanting to say it to him a few times recently, but I wanted him to say it first. I really care about him and can see myself having a family with him someday. We just seem to work and communicate well but we aren’t so much alike that we have our differences and miscommunications, too. I think it’s a good balance.

I am terrified and excited about this new adventure. Update to follow soon…