Fear

I received a message not too long ago from the recent ex.  He has obviously been following me on Facebook.  Here’s what it said: “It really warms my heart to see how happy you are, and if we have a barrier where I can’t tell you something like that, then you should probably unfriend me because friends can say that kind of thing. That’s it. Oh, and Happy Holidays.”

Really?  I’m sorry, but I just can’t go from lovers to friends like that when the former lover hurt me like he did.  To choose something like comedy over me out of fear of hurting me is letting fear win.  He let his fear win.  In his mind, it was either hurt me now or hurt me later, so he chose now.  I didn’t respond.  I just deleted him.  I’m still bitter about it, because I don’t understand it.  I would choose to face the fear and work through it.  That’s what I do every day.

You see, I have this horrible fear of dying.  It stems from being a religious fanatic growing up and believing that when I died, I would go to heaven.  So, I had nothing to fear.  Death was just a way to pass from this life into eternal life where everything would be better than this life.  Believing that way was a wonderful way to live.  I lived in a fantasy world where God would always forgive me, and I didn’t have to fear anything because God was on my side.  A few years ago, I woke up and saw all of the deceit and manipulation that exists in religion.  I hate lies and am a truth seeker, so I began to seek truth wherever I could find it.

It all started when I began to ask this question, “Other people on the other side of the world think they have the right answers.  They think I’m wrong.  I think I have the right answers and think that they are wrong.  Well, someone has to be right, and someone has to be wrong.  What if that person is me?  What if I am wrong?”  Once I began to look at my belief system and see how flawed it really was, it crushed me.  I was very depressed for a long time, because I could not figure out what the right answers were.  I finally realized that there are none.  We all have a piece of this large puzzle.  No one has it all right.

I do have some peace now, but I still have this incredible fear of death.  I think about it every day.  I look at people and feel sorry for them, because one day, they won’t be here anymore.  Fading into nothingness terrifies me, and if I let it, the fear will cripple me.

That’s what fear does. It cripples people.  It holds them back from being who they really could be and keeps them from living life to the fullest.  It prevents happiness in all aspects…

If you allow it to.

I fight this fear every day.  I face it, and I push myself through it even though it terrifies me.  He chose to let fear win.  I choose to let fear make me stronger.  It drives me to be a better person for myself and others.  I really do feel that I am finally on the right path to change the world.  I’ve always felt like I had a high calling in life, so we shall see.

Here’s to fear.  Fight!

Perplexed…

I don’t know what it is about men that makes them think you can fall for them in just a couple of dates.  How can you have strong feelings for someone you don’t even know?  Yes, there can be a strong attraction there, but feelings?  These emotional feelings are what lead us to falling in love, and real love does not happen quickly.  I have decided to try online dating again, and I am already ready to throw in the towel.  I want to move to L.A. or New York and pursue the career I should have pursued years ago.  Men have wasted the last twelve years of my life, and I don’t want any more of my time wasted.

Now, bear with me… I am sick right now and probably going to sound a little bipolar…

I have met a few men lately that seem to be quite awesome.  I am excited about them and so far one of them has been incredibly patient as we take our time getting to know each other.  (The other two I just met.)  He has not rushed me at all.  Others, however, have wanted to be exclusive after just one or three dates, and I just can’t do that.  So, they find other girls to get excited about that will fall into that trap with them… That’s why online relationships always fail.  People jump in too quickly.  I have been guilty in the past, which is how I know this.  I think online dating gives people a false sense of knowing someone before meeting them.  You can’t possibly know a person after reading their profile and going on a few dates.

I learned another important thing about myself:  where my boundaries are.  I learned that I cannot have a purely sexual relationship with someone, because I so desire that emotional connection.  Feeling used sucks and using someone else makes me feel worse… It is possible to use and feel used even if it is mutual, which is really strange.  Maybe I’m weird or just not so desensitized.  I don’t know.

I’m glad I have explored my sexuality, because I now know how to be patient and let a friendship grow into a good relationship before sex becomes a part of it.  I also know that I am more likely to let a man take advantage of me if I don’t know him well.  I have to know a man well before letting myself go sexually with him.  If there is no trust built, I can’t speak up for myself when something happens that I’m not okay with.  I don’t know exactly why that is, but I learned that the hard way recently.  I slept with a great guy and allowed things to happen that I couldn’t say no to.  It’s not his fault.  I told him that I liked certain things, but I did not have the experience to know the varying degrees of what those things could be.  My sexual history is apparently very mild, and I guess I have never been with someone as experienced as this guy was.  Maybe it did scare me.  It left me very perplexed for some reason.  Instead of talking to him about it, I retreated to try and figure out why it left me so speechless.  I am usually a great communicator, but without trust, communication becomes very difficult for me.  Maybe that makes me immature.  I don’t think so.

Maybe I have finally become a confusing female.  Shit, even I am confused.  This sexual encounter left me insanely puzzled!  We kind of talked about it online last night, and he was not so happy about me disappearing and not talking to him about it.  I do understand. I just didn’t know what to say.  I still don’t know.  I do know that I was enjoying the friendship and I did tell him that I could not sleep with him anymore.  I told him of my discovery that I cannot do that without commitment.  He assumed I was accusing him of emotionless sex, which I wasn’t.  I don’t have a clue what he was feeling, but I don’t have feelings for him.  I do like him, but I have not had the time to develop those feelings.

My time has also been consumed with work, rehearsals, other dates, and tending to my mother’s mental illness.  I wanted to see this guy again, but he is convinced that he totally scared me off.  I see his point, but he does not see mine at all.  He was also offended that I apparently “grouped him with other guys.”  He wanted to end the conversation when I said I liked him but didn’t have feelings for him, and then he was offended when I said that I don’t understand why guys expect me to have feelings for them so quickly.  Someone please point out to me where I should not have said what I did.  It is possible to like someone and not have feelings for them.  Many guys lately have wanted more from me than I could give in such a short period of time, and he seemed offended when I said I didn’t have feelings yet.  I wish he would have just called me instead of trying to communicate with me online.  That’s also most guys these days.  They prefer texting to talking.  Maybe I should have called him, but I like guys who take initiative.  I was hoping we would actually have a lunch date soon.  Oh well…

When life throws you a curveball…

When Life Throws You a Curveball...

After moping around for a week, eating almost nothing but ice cream, and trying to figure out what the f*ck happened, I decided to talk to my dad. He was just completely stupefied by why anyone would choose improv comedy over someone as wonderful as me. Now, I know he is my dad, but my dad is not and never was that parent who believed the sun shined out of his kid’s ass. He is a very realistic person who knows what he wants in life and works hard for what he has. He knows what my faults are, and I always felt somewhat inadequate like he looked upon me as a failure at life.  I know he loves me and would do anything for me, because he has, but I don’t ever hear the words, “I’m proud of you” from him.  So, I believe his compliments on the rare occasions that I get them.  When my dad has something to say, I listen, because he doesn’t offer advice often.  And, he doesn’t just say stuff to make me feel good.

It’s also easy for me to believe what he says, because he is kind of an outsider.  He is my step dad although he did adopt me when my biological father gave up his parental rights when I was 12. So, yeah, it made absolutely no sense to him why this guy would break up with me to chase something he only discovered he loved FIVE months ago.  He said that, to him, it is so stupid to give up a life with me to chase something with no guarantee and where the odds are so against you.  He said, “being dirt poor gets old real fast, and who wants to live on welfare when they are older because they didn’t save for retirement when they could have?”  He actually understood why I chased my dream for as long as I did because I spent most of my life training for it.  I thought he looked down on me all these years.  My dad told me what a catch I am and how any man would be so lucky to have me.

Wow.  I didn’t realize that my dad thought so highly of me.  He thought this guy was the luckiest man alive to have had me for the time he did and the dumbest man alive to throw it away.  My dad concluded that he really doesn’t know me at all, because if he did, he wouldn’t have let me go.  My dad was just beside himself because he could not make sense of it all, and my dad has a genius level IQ, mind you… None of my explanations to defend him held any water with my dad whatsoever.

I needed that talk.  It gave me so much clarity.  I understand chasing a dream because I’ve done it, but at some point, you have to be realistic.  He gave up the best thing that ever happened to him, and for what?  To take a stab in the dark and hope for the best?  That can either make me feel completely worthless, or I can look at it as “he really is nuts.”  Or, this guy actually doesn’t think we are a match and won’t tell me that for whatever reason.  I do know what a catch I am.  It was just so reassuring to hear it from my dad, a man whom I respect and who so many people look up to.

I still think this guy is pretty effin’ amazing, but each day that goes by is one more strike against him if he ever does change his mind.  And, that’s not because I’m angry.  Time and distance just does that.  I will not chase him, so as far as he’s concerned, I’m gone.  My heart is still tied up with him, but there’s only so much time left before that is permanently damaged.  I can’t control that.  We may talk or hang out eventually, but I will be no one’s fuck buddy.  I am so much better than that and deserve so much more.  Sex for me is reserved for committed relationships only.  I tried that once, and I’ve decided not to play that game ever again.  I did consider it with him, but why the hell would I do that to myself?!  Alright, enough of that…

You know, there aren’t a lot of women anymore who are career-minded and incredibly driven but also want to be homemakers, actually raise their own kids, take care of their man in every way, who are patient and selfless, and who are independent as well… women who are fun, always looking for ways to spice things up, who are beautiful and loyal, and who genuinely show interest and support the passions of the men they love… women who respect their men in every way and always look for opportunities to show the world just how lucky they are to have him… women who don’t always have to be right and thrive on communication and compromise because it makes them better together.

We had so much potential to be incredible together.  I hope that finds me again.  I know that amazing men are pretty rare, but amazing women are even more hard to come by.  I sure hope he finds what he’s looking for, and I hope what he finds is worth what he lost.

(I also really hope he’s not reading my blog anymore)

Men should never feel bad for needing space

I feel like a child who’s favorite toy in the whole world just broke and rather than fix it, the parents just threw it away. I compare myself to a child, because some of my reactions to him breaking up with me feel somewhat irrational. I really thought I had guarded my heart better. It was only four months. Four months! That’s it! But, I still can’t control how I feel, and I still can’t help but recognize that I had someone who is irreplaceable. He tells me, “you know there are other great guys out there, right?” I do know that. I know there are other great guys. I’ve met many of them. But there’s a difference between “great” and “totally fucking awesome” and that is more rare than finding two identical snowflakes.

I know he meant as great as him or better, so I just wanted to say, “do you know any?” None of his friends compare, and I don’t know any either. There aren’t any in my social circles, or they are married. I don’t even know if I know of any married men (other than my dad) who are as amazing…

A lie cannot live. If he truly cares for me, he will come back around, because he can only lie to himself for so long. I really felt that we were perfect for each other, not just that he was perfect for me. I could be blind, but I just know this. My biggest fear is getting into another relationship and him coming back to ask me if I’m happy and me saying, “yeah, but he’s not you.” I know that won’t happen, because I will refuse to be with anyone unless he meets or exceeds what we had. I don’t see how it is possible to find that again, because he is seriously one in a billion. I would have to be the luckiest person alive to find that twice. It would be like lightning striking twice. It just doesn’t happen.

I wish so badly that he would have given me a chance to prove to him that I can be a solid support system for him. I don’t need him to be around all the time or need him to pay attention to me all the time. Sure, that would be nice, but I don’t absolutely need it. All I need is to know that he is mine, that he wants me, and to see in his eyes that I am the only one for him. I want him to pursue his missions and achieve his goals. I have absolute faith in him to be so ridiculously successful at everything he does. I want to be there when he succeeds and encourage him when he feels he has hit a roadblock.

I never got to show him that I am okay with him being distant when he is focused on other things, because I support everything he does. I am not a needy person, and I have my own things I chase as well. I know that men need their space from time to time. That’s why women have girlfriends. A great woman recognizes when he is pulling away, and takes steps to give him the space he needs so that their relationship can continue to thrive. Space for a man is not a want, it is a need. Men should never feel bad for needing that space. They need space sometimes as much as we need to be social. Again, that’s why we have girlfriends. I never got to show him that I understand this and respect him in this way.

My friends keep saying, “it’s his loss.” Usually I’ll agree and move on. However, it is also my loss this time. I lost big, and I wish I could go back and do a couple of things differently. Maybe I was so excited about him that I didn’t give him enough space sometimes. I just wanted to spend all my time with him, but I didn’t need to. I feel that after four or five months you start to settle down and begin to analyze if this is a relationship you want to continue to pursue. I didn’t have a chance to settle in over that mountain and show him my comfortable, happy, and content side where I give him that space and leave him longing for me. I don’t have a lot of regrets in my life, but I do regret not showing him that side of me. I didn’t always understand exactly how to do that, but I do now and it’s too late.

I didn’t get that chance, because he decided to end things before finding out. He wanted to avoid hurting me in the future, but doing so would entail that I don’t want to give him the space he needs or that I don’t understand how much he needs it. A woman who doesn’t understand a man’s need for space will be hurt when he withdraws to take that space. I do understand this concept! I respect it and am not hurt by it! A man who needs space does not care for you or love you any less! He just needs space!!!!

I woke up not feeling so numb, so this post ended up being quite long. I feel so bipolar lately. One minute I’m fine and the next I’m about to puke my guts out crying. Luckily, my mood is somewhat stable today. There has been a lot of anger in my writing this past week due to lack of understanding the whole situation. I hope he doesn’t feel insulted or disrespected. I was so upset the other day, that I wished he had gotten me pregnant on accident. But, I quickly reminded myself that I don’t really want that. I don’t even know if I want kids sometimes. I do, but not for a while. Me being pregnant would destroy his dream, and I don’t want that at all. I wonder what I would do if I was. I would be tempted to hide it from him as to not destroy this new mission he is after. I really don’t know. Hopefully, I’ll have my period soon so I have one less thing to worry about. I was supposed to start Saturday or Sunday…

For now, I have to figure out how to be his friend. How do you go backwards from lovers to friends? Do you just become lovers with no label? Friends with benefits? Do I just not contact him unless he contacts me first? I digress… I am happy that he wants us to stay in each other’s lives. I miss spending time with him. He really had become my best friend.

I realized…

…that if he really thought I was that amazing, he would find a way to make this work.  If he really wanted keep me around and not throw us away, he would.  It can’t all be just about not hurting me.  Why would he risk losing me if he really thought we were that good for each other?

I tried to calm myself down today with many techniques.  I did a lot of driving.  Went to an orientation for a new part-time job. I forced myself to eat some tater tots, which are usually my favorite.  I nerded out with some old nerd friends and played Magic at the Gathering.  What seemed to help the most, though, was revisiting a dream of mine to be on a major professional dance company.  I am on a local company, but I mean one that travels the world.  When I was doing my own traveling for auditions a few years ago, I ran out of money before hitting the Chicago dance market.  I auditioned all over New York, LA, and even Washington DC. But, I never made it to Chicago.  That’s where he wants to go to pursue his dream.  Chicago.  There are a few dance company auditions in January that I would love to attend, but now I can’t, because it would look like I was chasing him.  I wish he wanted us to go pursue our dreams together and support each other while doing it.  I always wanted to be with someone who understood the satisfaction of chasing a dream and someone who wasn’t afraid to do it.  Being female, it’s pretty scary to do that alone.  Men have quite an advantage when it comes to being independent like that and just taking off.  You don’t hear of too many strong men getting raped or kidnapped.  I know he wants freedom to do this, and he does not want anything holding him back.  I just wish he knew that I wouldn’t, especially if I was chasing my own dream.  I even have a means to make some money that could possibly support both of us. I’ll be testing my new idea out soon.

The integrity of my blog has been compromised, because he knows about it now. This was supposed to be an anonymous blog, but oh well. I’m going to do my best to keep my writing as honest as possible. This truly is my therapy.  I write usually when I cannot calm myself down any other way.  I tried to change the name hoping it would also change the URL, but no.  That didn’t work.  I really don’t want to start a new blog, but I may have to…

I broke the daily ice cream regiment yesterday. Now it’s just no food.  I don’t know what’s happening to me.  I never lose my appetite.  However, something else I find interesting is happening… You know when you hurt yourself, and the pain starts to numb after a while?  I think the heart also has some kind of its own endorphins when it hurts too much or for a prolonged period of time.  That’s my new theory, at least.  I am feeling a little numb tonight.  Or, maybe something else is going on.  Maybe he’s thinking more about me and part of me senses that there is hope.  Or maybe, I know he doesn’t really care to save this relationship at all, and my heart is one step ahead of me in moving on.

Maybe I’m crazy.

I just hope that he and I can remain friends for now.  I need to stop worrying and just be happy that he still wants to be a part of my life.  I haven’t seen him in a week, and I miss him terribly.

 

Singles awareness day

I hope you all had a wonderful Singles Awareness Day!  Mine pretty much sucked.  That one guy I had a little bit of hope for told me that he met someone else he’s crazy about.  So that’s it… Single for me for a long time…

That guy and my sister didn’t work out either.  He left a day early.  I was sad for her, but relieved that I could sleep again.  I knew he wasn’t her type.

It snowed here the other night.  And what did I do?  I stood outside in it and cried.  We never get snow, so when we do, it’s usually a very exciting thing.  I tried to dance in it to cheer myself up, but I found myself unable to move as a sadness fell over me.  My heart was crying out to him… the man I’m supposed to be with… my ultimate soulmate.  I let myself call out to him and could feel his heart breaking.  I hoped that by speaking into the wind that his heart might sense mine calling to him.  I tried to console him and tell him that I am still waiting for him.  I told him to not give up and to please come find me, because I’m too broken to keep searching.

I don’t know who he is or what he looks like, but a very small part of me still believes he’s out there somewhere and that he will find me. I just hope he does before I really don’t want to be with anyone anymore.  There are a few men in my life that are pursuing me, but I just don’t feel it with them.  I have developed some feelings for my best friend, but I just don’t think he’s the right one for me.  I know it hurts him that I think this way, but he knows I do.  Maybe things will change, but I don’t see us together.  It sure would be an interesting story if we ended up together.  He’s just too young for me.

I’m so thankful to have yoga, ballet, and my family right now.  I would not survive this season of my life without them.  And, thank you all out there for reading my thoughts.  Sending them out there really is comforting for some reason, even if no one comments.

FML

So, I pretty much hate my life. My best friend told me he loves me tonight and then admitted that he didn’t know why he said it. We were fooling around and he blurted it out. I’m so sick of being hurt by those words. He and I decided to stop sleeping together after that one time we did, because we are too afraid of birth control methods failing. I brought him along with me to my singles mixer thing, which ended up being stupid and I met no one. He decided to kiss me before going in, and after we left, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. So we met up with my sister and some friends at another place and they left shortly after we got there, so I didn’t get to meet anyone there either. He and I ended up making out and going back to his place. I spent 4 hours getting ready for my evening, and met no one new. I NEVER spend that much time getting ready.

So, he has feelings for me again, and I don’t want to have feelings for him. I did feel something tonight, because he was being extra sweet. He’s usually just very sarcastic. He’s an awesome guy, but I don’t feel that we have what I want to have with someone. I’m sure I won’t be sleeping tonight, again.

A few days ago, I decided to message a guy I dated for two years about four years ago just to see how he was doing. He was such a nice guy but not right for me. I think about him sometimes and just thought I’d see how he was since we haven’t talked in four years. Well, he’s obviously still not over things, because he told me that he has peace about the way things ended and he’s not interested in re-aquiainting. That was kinda harsh. So, even a guy who was obsessed with me doesn’t want to talk to me. We started out as really good friends and I would never get back with him, but it kinda sucks to feel so unwanted, even as a friend.

V-day is in three days, and I’m going to be alone. That sucks.