Flowers and Fairy Tales

ImageLove is not really what I thought it would be.  Maybe everyone realizes this at some point, but I always wanted it to be different for me.  I still tell myself that it will be different; that I will not be in one of those relationships where all they do is find ways to make each other miserable or make fun of each other to their friends.  I don’t understand how or when love turns sour for people.  Anyway, love has not turned sour for me, but it’s not what I thought it would be either.  I have more happy days than not, but I don’t feel that I have landed my happily ever after like every girl dreams.  I know why fairy tales were invented.  Their purpose is for adults to lie to themselves about the realities they live in and to mask those realities from their children.  They think that by lying to their children it will pave a better path for them.  Giving people false hope not only fucks with their heads eventually, but it also makes them even more devastated when they do learn of the truth.

I never did completely buy into the fairy tales, but I hoped I could make one for myself.  Maybe I still can.  I wonder sometimes if life would be better serving myself and only myself.  Making myself happy is hard enough, so how is making someone else happy going to be any easier?  It seems to be quite difficult sometimes.  It’s like telling a frog and a flamingo to live their lives happily together.  They don’t even speak the same language.  

I wish sometimes that a marriage could have been arranged for me.  That way we would be starting together on the same foot and we would make love happen not just wait for it.  Some people believe that love is a choice.  Others believe it chooses you.  I wonder if love is like a flower versus a seed.  One of them is very pretty when you find it and stays very pretty for a while before it quickly dries up and dies.  The other, with care and nurturing, grows to be something very beautiful with deep solid roots.  It can reproduce and bloom over and over again.

One time, love slapped me in the face.  I had no choice in the matter, and he ended up being a very evil person.  He was my friend of nine years, and one day, I saw him differently.  My heart was pierced for him one day and it never healed.  Tearing myself away from that was one of the hardest but smartest things I ever did.  If you can choose to love someone, why not choose someone whom you think is worthy to spend the rest of your days with?

Well, what can I say… I want the best of both worlds.  I want to fall in love and it be with someone who is absolutely magnificent.  In a way, I believe I have done just that.  He is amazing in so many ways, but life is hard.  Bills are hard to pay, but I love him.  I know he will be the provider soon.  That is who he is.  I understand why women seduce rich men.  It makes life easier.  But, I am not dishonest like those women and my heart cannot lie.  I am also a fighter, and I want to fight for us.  I want to fight for all of the love that others have lost because people lost their faith.  I want to find all of that lost love and keep it safe.  I never want to lose love again.  I don’t believe my heart could take it.  

Maybe that’s why it hurts me so much when he is not happy.  He doesn’t understand how it pains me to upset him or see him unhappy, whether it was because of me or not.  We oftentimes have these misunderstandings or disagreements, and they cut me so deeply.  It’s not what he says that cuts me, though.  He is not harsh towards me.  It is just that in those moments happiness leaves temporarily, and that is what sucks life out of me.  I don’t even know why.  

Most people understand that disagreements happen.  There are highs and lows in relationships.  I do know this.  However, it still kills me when the lows come.  A low means that I have failed again.  I tell myself that I can not fail.  It’s actually more of a commandment to myself.  I have no idea where this comes from; why I am so hard on myself.  It would be easier if he owned me and commanded me rather than having to be my own person and stand for myself.  I know how crazy that sounds.

I love him so much but fear that I cannot be perfect enough for him.  I just want happiness.  I want flowers that never die and fairy tales that never end.

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Fear

I received a message not too long ago from the recent ex.  He has obviously been following me on Facebook.  Here’s what it said: “It really warms my heart to see how happy you are, and if we have a barrier where I can’t tell you something like that, then you should probably unfriend me because friends can say that kind of thing. That’s it. Oh, and Happy Holidays.”

Really?  I’m sorry, but I just can’t go from lovers to friends like that when the former lover hurt me like he did.  To choose something like comedy over me out of fear of hurting me is letting fear win.  He let his fear win.  In his mind, it was either hurt me now or hurt me later, so he chose now.  I didn’t respond.  I just deleted him.  I’m still bitter about it, because I don’t understand it.  I would choose to face the fear and work through it.  That’s what I do every day.

You see, I have this horrible fear of dying.  It stems from being a religious fanatic growing up and believing that when I died, I would go to heaven.  So, I had nothing to fear.  Death was just a way to pass from this life into eternal life where everything would be better than this life.  Believing that way was a wonderful way to live.  I lived in a fantasy world where God would always forgive me, and I didn’t have to fear anything because God was on my side.  A few years ago, I woke up and saw all of the deceit and manipulation that exists in religion.  I hate lies and am a truth seeker, so I began to seek truth wherever I could find it.

It all started when I began to ask this question, “Other people on the other side of the world think they have the right answers.  They think I’m wrong.  I think I have the right answers and think that they are wrong.  Well, someone has to be right, and someone has to be wrong.  What if that person is me?  What if I am wrong?”  Once I began to look at my belief system and see how flawed it really was, it crushed me.  I was very depressed for a long time, because I could not figure out what the right answers were.  I finally realized that there are none.  We all have a piece of this large puzzle.  No one has it all right.

I do have some peace now, but I still have this incredible fear of death.  I think about it every day.  I look at people and feel sorry for them, because one day, they won’t be here anymore.  Fading into nothingness terrifies me, and if I let it, the fear will cripple me.

That’s what fear does. It cripples people.  It holds them back from being who they really could be and keeps them from living life to the fullest.  It prevents happiness in all aspects…

If you allow it to.

I fight this fear every day.  I face it, and I push myself through it even though it terrifies me.  He chose to let fear win.  I choose to let fear make me stronger.  It drives me to be a better person for myself and others.  I really do feel that I am finally on the right path to change the world.  I’ve always felt like I had a high calling in life, so we shall see.

Here’s to fear.  Fight!