When life throws you a curveball…

When Life Throws You a Curveball...

After moping around for a week, eating almost nothing but ice cream, and trying to figure out what the f*ck happened, I decided to talk to my dad. He was just completely stupefied by why anyone would choose improv comedy over someone as wonderful as me. Now, I know he is my dad, but my dad is not and never was that parent who believed the sun shined out of his kid’s ass. He is a very realistic person who knows what he wants in life and works hard for what he has. He knows what my faults are, and I always felt somewhat inadequate like he looked upon me as a failure at life.  I know he loves me and would do anything for me, because he has, but I don’t ever hear the words, “I’m proud of you” from him.  So, I believe his compliments on the rare occasions that I get them.  When my dad has something to say, I listen, because he doesn’t offer advice often.  And, he doesn’t just say stuff to make me feel good.

It’s also easy for me to believe what he says, because he is kind of an outsider.  He is my step dad although he did adopt me when my biological father gave up his parental rights when I was 12. So, yeah, it made absolutely no sense to him why this guy would break up with me to chase something he only discovered he loved FIVE months ago.  He said that, to him, it is so stupid to give up a life with me to chase something with no guarantee and where the odds are so against you.  He said, “being dirt poor gets old real fast, and who wants to live on welfare when they are older because they didn’t save for retirement when they could have?”  He actually understood why I chased my dream for as long as I did because I spent most of my life training for it.  I thought he looked down on me all these years.  My dad told me what a catch I am and how any man would be so lucky to have me.

Wow.  I didn’t realize that my dad thought so highly of me.  He thought this guy was the luckiest man alive to have had me for the time he did and the dumbest man alive to throw it away.  My dad concluded that he really doesn’t know me at all, because if he did, he wouldn’t have let me go.  My dad was just beside himself because he could not make sense of it all, and my dad has a genius level IQ, mind you… None of my explanations to defend him held any water with my dad whatsoever.

I needed that talk.  It gave me so much clarity.  I understand chasing a dream because I’ve done it, but at some point, you have to be realistic.  He gave up the best thing that ever happened to him, and for what?  To take a stab in the dark and hope for the best?  That can either make me feel completely worthless, or I can look at it as “he really is nuts.”  Or, this guy actually doesn’t think we are a match and won’t tell me that for whatever reason.  I do know what a catch I am.  It was just so reassuring to hear it from my dad, a man whom I respect and who so many people look up to.

I still think this guy is pretty effin’ amazing, but each day that goes by is one more strike against him if he ever does change his mind.  And, that’s not because I’m angry.  Time and distance just does that.  I will not chase him, so as far as he’s concerned, I’m gone.  My heart is still tied up with him, but there’s only so much time left before that is permanently damaged.  I can’t control that.  We may talk or hang out eventually, but I will be no one’s fuck buddy.  I am so much better than that and deserve so much more.  Sex for me is reserved for committed relationships only.  I tried that once, and I’ve decided not to play that game ever again.  I did consider it with him, but why the hell would I do that to myself?!  Alright, enough of that…

You know, there aren’t a lot of women anymore who are career-minded and incredibly driven but also want to be homemakers, actually raise their own kids, take care of their man in every way, who are patient and selfless, and who are independent as well… women who are fun, always looking for ways to spice things up, who are beautiful and loyal, and who genuinely show interest and support the passions of the men they love… women who respect their men in every way and always look for opportunities to show the world just how lucky they are to have him… women who don’t always have to be right and thrive on communication and compromise because it makes them better together.

We had so much potential to be incredible together.  I hope that finds me again.  I know that amazing men are pretty rare, but amazing women are even more hard to come by.  I sure hope he finds what he’s looking for, and I hope what he finds is worth what he lost.

(I also really hope he’s not reading my blog anymore)

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Leave of absence

Right after my last post, I had a major competition to get ready for, so I was able to make a good solid decision on one person to focus on and get myself back on track.  We have been dating for two months now, and he is absolutely amazing!  I am taking things slow with my heart this time, but I hope I don’t go too slow.  I’m sort of just letting him set the pace.  He hasn’t moved anything too fast or made me feel uncomfortable.  He hasn’t said “I love you” yet, thank God.  He is exactly the kind of guy I have always hoped to meet, and I am excited to see where things go!  He may be it for me!  I am so ready to be married and start my life with someone, and it might finally be my turn.  I’ve been so patient.  It IS my turn!

Singles awareness day

I hope you all had a wonderful Singles Awareness Day!  Mine pretty much sucked.  That one guy I had a little bit of hope for told me that he met someone else he’s crazy about.  So that’s it… Single for me for a long time…

That guy and my sister didn’t work out either.  He left a day early.  I was sad for her, but relieved that I could sleep again.  I knew he wasn’t her type.

It snowed here the other night.  And what did I do?  I stood outside in it and cried.  We never get snow, so when we do, it’s usually a very exciting thing.  I tried to dance in it to cheer myself up, but I found myself unable to move as a sadness fell over me.  My heart was crying out to him… the man I’m supposed to be with… my ultimate soulmate.  I let myself call out to him and could feel his heart breaking.  I hoped that by speaking into the wind that his heart might sense mine calling to him.  I tried to console him and tell him that I am still waiting for him.  I told him to not give up and to please come find me, because I’m too broken to keep searching.

I don’t know who he is or what he looks like, but a very small part of me still believes he’s out there somewhere and that he will find me. I just hope he does before I really don’t want to be with anyone anymore.  There are a few men in my life that are pursuing me, but I just don’t feel it with them.  I have developed some feelings for my best friend, but I just don’t think he’s the right one for me.  I know it hurts him that I think this way, but he knows I do.  Maybe things will change, but I don’t see us together.  It sure would be an interesting story if we ended up together.  He’s just too young for me.

I’m so thankful to have yoga, ballet, and my family right now.  I would not survive this season of my life without them.  And, thank you all out there for reading my thoughts.  Sending them out there really is comforting for some reason, even if no one comments.

Such a struggle

For the last 12 hours, all I have wanted to do is cry.  My sister has been talking to this army guy for about a year who has been deployed, and he came into town last night.  He is staying with us for three days. They met because a guy who I was interested in asked me to go to dinner with him and this guy friend of his one night.  Well, I didn’t want to go by myself, so I made my sister go with me.  So, he and my sister met that night, and they have been talking via Skype for a little over a year since then.  Cute story, right?  Well, the problem is that this is the type of guy I usually go for.  She and I usually never go for the same types of guys, but it’s different this time.  He’s a “good guy” and he seems so perfect.  He’s hilarious and goofy, and not afraid to embarrass himself in public like me.  He is super tall and incredibly attractive.  He seems to have a little bit of a nerdy side, too.  This is such a hard combination to find in a guy… someone who gets along with everyone, makes me really laugh, is hot, nerdy, and super tall… impossible.

So, I finally give up finding someone, and my little sister finds the perfect guy.  It’s so not fair, and I’m very jealous.  I’ve never felt this kind of jealousy before.  I have been through so much more heartache than her, and I’m older than her.  Why the hell have I not found the right person yet?!?!  It would just suck so bad if she got married before me.  I would have a very hard time being happy for her.  Of course I would be happy for her, but I would be so sad, too, and I would have to fake it so that her day was perfect.

I haven’t slept all night, because I like someone I can’t even entertain the thought of.  He came here to see my sister, and I would never get in the way.  That would be wrong.  I was supposed to have a date tonight with that guy I have dreamt about but am afraid of him hurting me.  He cancelled because he has family coming in town.  We were supposed to double date with my sister and her army guy and another couple or two.  I am definitely not going with them, now.  I actually decided to go to a singles mixer thing tonight.  The whole event is for “finding a date for Valentine’s Day.”  I hate that V-day is next week. ugh… so depressing.

99% of me has given up hope, but there’s still that 1% that wants to find someone.  It hurts my heart that I haven’t found him.  It almost feels like he is out there somewhere, and my heart is longing for him and hurting with him because he hasn’t found me, yet, either.  Most of me actually believes that I will never find him.  I’m not the type that looses hope easily.  I’ve always been a fighter, and I don’t give up on things that are important to me.  I just feel like I have lost this battle that I have been fighting for the last 12 years.  How long do you fight until it’s time to give up?  Is it time to just move on and focus on me?

I had another session on Thursday… It was pretty awesome.  I’ll have to update later, because I’m going to go take a Yoga class.  Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep after that.

Sex

I think the rest of my heart died yesterday. I have given up and have stopped searching. I realized that I really cannot go through this again. I physically cannot take being hurt again. I didn’t think I could handle it before being hurt the last time. He really doesn’t understand how he shattered me. I used to think it was good that I have not found anyone yet. I thought I would find someone after all of my friends rushed their relationships and that my relationship would be the one that lasted. Everyone always tells me that I’m too great of a girl to stay single and that it would be such a waste if I stayed single. Well, I’m done with relationships and closed off to new ones. There was hope for one, but I’m not too sure that we have great compatibility. The chemistry is great, but I don’t know how he feels about me. I’ve blown him off for someone else twice, and he says he likes what we have right now, but I don’t hear from him much, so I don’t know. I have dreams about him, so I know I’m excited about him, but I’m not letting my heart go there. I’m terrified, because I know he could really hurt me.

My best friend and I decided to start sleeping together. He and i have been talking about it for a while now. I You don’t want to fuck me right now unless I missed something asked my therapist before making this decision what she thinks of friends with benefits, and she has no problem with it. This friend of mine is a great guy, but he’s not someone I would want to pursue romantically. He’s four years younger than me and I just don’t feel a romantic connection with him. I actually encouraged him to ask for a waitress’ phone number who always flirts with him when we go to this one restaurant. He has had feelings for me in the past, but I think they are gone now.

So, we made this decision two days ago, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t really have an opinion. I don’t feel any more connected to him. It was fun, but I miss sharing that with someone I love. I had a few reservations about it, like not wanting to add to my number of partners and being afraid of being judged by others if anyone found out. I also don’t like putting chemicals into my body (birth control)… I wonder if this is what catapulted me into feeling that I was completely dead yesterday. I come from a background where sex before marriage is always wrong no matter what. I waited until my late 20s to have sex, and I was in love, so I have no regrets.

I don’t feel emotionally damaged from sex, which is something I used to worry about. In fact I feel a lot more mature and educated about it. I also feel that it has helped me work through the sexual abuse I went through as a child and I can better relate to people. I’m actually turned off by men who are 30 and say they are still virgins. Yeah, I met one of those several months ago. It was just strange for some reason! I also feel like more of an adult, because I have stuff in my life that I don’t care to share with my family. Since I still live at home, feeling independent and like an adult is important to me. My mother still tries to rule my life, so I take control by not telling her every detail. I cannot wait to move out this fall!

Maybe I’ll sign up for one of those television dating shows just for fun. Those are such a joke and I might have the opportunity to travel the world and make some friends for free! I’ll probably end up being the one who quits the show when I realize the guy is a total douche bag. For now, my focus is getting that teaching job and moving out on my own!

Dignity…

…the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect.

“Our dignity is the one self-concept we humans dread losing and will try to maintain at all costs.”

This is an awesome quote that really stood out to me in my pedagogy class tonight. This is exactly why the relationship with my mom is so strained. I feel that she takes my dignity away all the time.  I had the guts to tell her how I feel about her a couple of weeks ago.  I usually just sit there while she lectures me and tells me how I do everything wrong, how I push everyone away, how I’m self-destructive, and how the whole family agrees with her about me.  I finally told her that she never tells me that she is proud of me.  You know what she said to me?  “Well, you haven’t done much to be proud of lately.”  Wow.  So all of my accomplishments in dance, community service, being the first of my family to get a college degree, my current pageant title, and finally deciding to be a teacher are nothing to be proud of… apparently not.

It’s a good thing I have been learning how to separate myself from her the past few years.  I have been learning how to validate myself without her support, which is hard to do while living with her.  I stay away from home a lot and stay very busy.  Maybe that’s why I decided so late in life to try doing a pageant.  Maybe I subconsciously needed the validation that I could do and be something greater than myself.  I have made so many good friends who build me up and keep me thinking positively about myself.  That, to me, is a very good thing.

I was talking to my sister today and telling her how it feels to be looked so down upon by my family.  It’s like they see me as this little child who is incapable of making any good choices and I have to be guided along with someone holding my hand every step of the way.  They do not trust me to make decisions that are best for me.  They try to run my life and then get angry when I don’t do things their way.  I feel so alienated and misunderstood by my family, and they don’t care.  If I ever tell my mom how I feel, I end up being the selfish one who has pushed everyone away.  What about taking me seriously for once?  Aren’t my feelings valid at some point?  I can’t be that crazy!  Maybe my mom has painted this picture of me to my family that is not true.  Maybe her perception of me is really just that: hers!

I said to my sister, “it really sucks not being trusted by your own family,” and she just told me that I don’t make good decisions.  I said, “well that’s your opinion.”  I dated one really bad person for a year, and that ended about a year ago.  So, because I got so stuck in that relationship, they think I’m self-destructive.  My sister really thinks that if they had not been so vocal about my horrible choices in that relationship, that I would have destroyed my life by staying with him. What she doesn’t realize is that I completely tuned them out after a while and made the choice to get out of the relationship myself.  I MADE THAT DECISION!  THEY DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR ME!  I’m the one that had to make those decisions, because I’m the one that had to live with them.  I had to say goodbye to someone I loved dearly, not them!

That period of my life was absolute hell, because everyone in my life was against me.  I had absolutely NO support.  I was madly in love with the wrong person, and instead of my family helping me through it, I was pinned against the wall for it.  I was lectured and told that I was stupid.  I’m sure it is scary to see someone you care about in a bad relationship, but I needed support, not added stress.  I needed for my parents to trust me to make the right decision for me.  What I needed was for someone to say, “I understand you and what you are going through and that you will make the right choice in the end.”  I was dating the wrong person AND my family was angry with me.  I knew I wouldn’t stay with him, but I didn’t know how to get out.  I was very suicidal and felt completely alone.  I did have one friend who was very understanding, and she is probably the sole reason I did not end my life.  Well that, and I knew my family would be devastated.  I didn’t want to prove them right about me being so incredibly selfish.  My friend helped me see light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s just what I needed.

I may have made some very different decisions after that relationship than I would have before it, but I came out of that relationship a completely different person than I was before it.  I had sex for the first time, started to see my mom as not being right all the time, embarked on a very difficult spiritual journey, began to see sex in a more mature and healthy light, and I discovered my own sense of morality that was my own, not one that someone told me to have.  I slept with someone I was not in a relationship with and learned from that how I didn’t want to do that again.  I slept with someone who I was in a relationship with but wasn’t in love with, and I learned that I didn’t want that either.  Then I learned what making love is, and that’s what I want, but I need to spend more time cultivating a relationship before going there.  I need to make sure that he is going to be around for the long haul and not give up because he’s scared of commitment.  It takes time to really get to know someone and truly love them.  I knew all of this, but I really learned it.

I completely understand the concept of how your actions affect everyone around you, especially your family.  I know that if I got pregnant, it would not be a good thing right now.  BUT, they also have to trust me to be smart about that.  They did raise me very well.  I’m not stupid, and waiting until you’re 27 to have sex is quite remarkable.  How about being proud of that?!  Oh, but it’s okay for the little sister to do it, just not me, because I’m retarded.  I try to tell myself that they are just harder on me because they expect greater things of me.  It gets harder and harder to believe that, especially when you are told you are stupid…  I have tried so hard not to be a burden on my parents.  That’s probably one reason why I haven’t moved out yet, because I’m so afraid to fail and have to move back home or ask them to bail me out.  I never ask them for anything. NEVER.

I am very happy that I waited until my late 20s to have sex, because I feel that I am emotionally mature enough to handle it.  I waited until I was in love, so I cannot regret that.  It is not the emotionally scarring thing that I was told it would be if you do it with the wrong person.  I truly do not have regrets about those experiences because I really learned from them.  I think regret comes from not understanding the lesson you are supposed to learn and not being able to forgive yourself for making a mistake.  Mistakes are opportunities to grow.  They are not red marks on your research paper.  I actually did feel regret for a while about sleeping with my last boyfriend, because I was so in love with him.  I think that’s because I was mad at myself for knowing better than to move so fast.  I did know better, but what I learned from that was what the voice of my gut sounds like.  I learned so well that my gut feelings are spot on and that I should NEVER ignore them.  I knew it was too fast when he told me he loved me.  I knew he didn’t know me well enough to say it, but I ignored that feeling and went with it, because I wanted him to be the last person I would ever have to date, and I wanted him to feel validated in being so open with me.  I have ignored those gut feelings a lot in my life in order to make others happy, including my mom.

My mom has been a terrific mom.  She has taught me so many things and shared so much of her wisdom with me.  She really is one of the strongest people I know considering how terrible her life was up until about 15 years ago.  However, she has not allowed me to learn from experience, which is how I learn best.  She hates that I learn best from experience.  It’s so ironic that she is the one who taught me how you can’t raise each of your children exactly the same way, because their personalities demand different parenting methods.  I was always so angry growing up that my youngest sister was treated so differently and got away with so much, but I understand why now.  What my mom needs to see is that she doesn’t really believe that.  If she did, she might not be so hard on me.

I feel that I have learned so much from my mom’s wisdom, and I stayed out of so much trouble compared to my peers in school because of that. However, there is only so much you can learn by just listening to someone’s advice and warnings.  You know, learning from experience may be the hardest way to learn life lessons, but that’s who I am, and that’s okay.

Session 3 and a date

I had my third therapy session yesterday, and we barely talked about him.  I think I’m starting to heal and realize that he really wasn’t the right one for me.  I could have made that relationship work if he was in it, and I wanted to, but ultimately I don’t think it’s exactly what I wanted.  We talked mostly about my mom and the damage done to me from that relationship.  It stems from something deeper than her, though.  It goes all the way back to the abuse my grandfather suffered, and it probably goes further than that, but that’s as far as I know.

My great grandfather was verbally abusive to my grandfather and never told him once that he loved him.  I’m sure the abuse was much worse than I know, because my grandfather abused my mother horrifically both verbally and physically.  There was some sexual abuse there as well, but no rape or anything like that.  This damaged my mom beyond anything I think she could ever recover from, so she married into an abusive situation thinking she was escaping her childhood.  That’s where I was damaged.  My mom had great friends, though, who helped her get out of this marriage before a lot of damage could be done.  I suffered some sexual abuse that I remember, but I my siblings don’t remember anything.

My sense of self and identity were greatly damaged from what I am starting to realize.  I have always had a very hard time trusting in my own decisions or making up my mind about anything.  Everything I do is to appease someone else.  My mom has added to this issue by not completely letting me be my own person.  It has taken me well into my adult years to finally start to trust myself and realize that my goals, dreams, decisions, and mistakes are okay and good.  The only thing I’ve really been able to hang onto is dance.  I know that I am a dancer and that can never be taken from me.  However, my dream to dance professionally in New York never came about because I did not have the support I needed to do it.  My parents never wanted me to go and never supported it.  So I spent some time traveling there and auditioning, but you must live there to land jobs.  It still hurts that this dream of mine was shattered.  I have tried to dance and perform locally, and it’s great, but it is not the same.  I don’t feel that I truly lived to my fullest potential, and now my body is getting too old.

So, I have spent the last ten years trying to find something that I love and that my parents support, too.  Now I am working on my teaching certification to teach middle and high school science.  I am always studying about something science-related.  I find the sciences absolutely fascinating, so I’m sure I will love teaching it.  This career will also support my dancing on the side, but I am so afraid that it will take over and not allow me to dance.  I can’t let that happen.  I am at a point now, though, where I need to get out of my parents’ house at all cost, and this is the quickest way to do it.

I went on a date last night, and it was awesome!  This is a guy that I met several months ago online.  I was crazy about him the moment I saw his picture, and I had to meet him.  He gets better every time I hang out with him, but I have turned him down to date two other guys and he teases me about that.  I told him last night that I am afraid to fall for him because of our differences in religious beliefs.  They aren’t too far off, but for a fanatical religious person, my views are not okay.  My best relationship was destroyed because of this issue, and I am so afraid to be hurt like that again.  I like him so much that I know how bad it would hurt to be hurt by him.  So, for now, we are just taking things slow.  I like that.