I lost me

I sometimes wonder where I’m going in life.  I wonder who I am and what my purpose is here.  I used to think I was unique… that I was some kind of gift to this world.  I now feel that I am just like everybody else…  just one of a few billion.  I am slowly losing my zest for life.  The stresses of being an adult are getting to me.  I’m a student, a waitress, a daughter, a girlfriend, an activist for charities, and trying to keep up with my fitness for dance.  It’s just too much.

I thought I was a unique individual.  Now, here I am trying to prove myself to man.  I used to be that unique girl that men wanted and that wanted no matter what my shortcomings were.  Maybe I still am and just don’t see it.  I feel that my loss of uniqueness means that I am viewed as more of a failure than I used to be, or that I have more to prove than I used to.  I understand that everyone has to prove themselves trustworthy, and that takes time.  I guess I just can’t explain how I feel at the moment.  Words are failing me.  Oh the irony.

I feel that I fail him a lot and I’m not sure if it’s because I take things the wrong way or if I really am failing and disappointing him.  I have come to love him very much and I know he loves and cares for me.  He shows me more than he says it.  He seems to have everything I want in someone plus that special something that makes me always have those emotional highs.  I don’t know if there is something wrong with me, or if we are just on different wavelengths and misunderstand each other all the time.  We talk much more than any other relationship I’ve been in, and we don’t fight, so we are communicating well, but maybe just not effectively?  

I don’t know.  

I want to be loved, protected, trusted, coveted…  I want to be the only woman a man desires and the only one that can fulfill those desires satisfactorily.  Something has happened to me, and I don’t know what that is.  I used to be that woman and I no longer am.  I need to figure out where that uniqueness went and what exactly it was.  I thought I knew myself better now.  He says he has been trying to figure me out.  How can he if I can’t even figure me out?  I know what I want from someone.  I just don’t know what I want from myself anymore… I guess in the midst of this whole “running from religion” process, I actually lost me.



“You’re amazing, but I don’t love you.”

Another failed relationship.

I really thought I had finally found someone possibly worth spending the rest of my life with… someone who treated me the way I deserved to be treated… someone I clicked with so well and was so comfortable with. I would tell people, “It’s so awesome to finally be with someone who doesn’t have to tell me how he feels for me to know. He shows me. I see it in his eyes and his actions.” I was falling in love again, and then all of a sudden, he gave up. Why does this always happen to me? What is it about me that men think is totally amazing in the beginning, and then their feelings just stop or go away?

Maybe I don’t give them a good enough chase. The guys I date say they don’t want to chase once they are in a relationship, but I am starting to think that’s a bunch of bull shit. He said that if we had not been sleeping together by the end of the first month or so that we probably wouldn’t have continued dating. I am beginning to wonder that if I had made him wait longer, he would have developed stronger feelings and not let me go. Or, maybe it would have just prolonged him giving up on me… who knows.

This hurts more than I thought it would. I guess I should have expected it, though. I let him stop chasing me, gave him everything he wanted, and of course, he got bored of me. He said he used to be crazy about me, but not anymore, I guess. Story of my life.

I am a happy person. I don’t need a man to be happy. I am just sick of them screwing with my happiness. I know that I have so much to offer someone… more than most women. I know what an amazing catch I am. I don’t need or want guys to tell me that anymore! I just want someone to realize it, see it, want it, and hang on to it! Obviously I am lacking something they want. If I truly had everything they wanted, they would not let it go! MY GOD! Why can’t someone just tell me, “hey what I really want in someone is _____, and I now realize that’s not you. I’m sorry.” I can deal with that! What I cannot deal with is not knowing why. I guess sometimes men are so stupid that they don’t even know what they want, but shit, I’m sick of being dragged through other people’s issues! I don’t think he meant to, but he did hurt me. God, I really didn’t expect to be so hurt…

I think this one has some serious hang-ups from being married before. He’s also going through some mid-life crisis stuff with wanting a complete career change, not knowing what that change is exactly, and not wanting to be tied down to anything because of it. That scared me at first, I will admit, but I very quickly realized that he was worth it. It was worth it to me to go through some hardships with him, because he is the kind of person that together, we could do anything. For the first time in my life, I saw a future of many ups and downs WITH someone. I knew that we could tackle anything together, because we worked so well together. That is SO HARD to find! MY GOD!

Maybe he is that great guy that really believed I deserve better than him. Maybe he knew that he was going to put an awesome girl through a lot pretty soon, so he just didn’t let his heart go for me, because it would hurt him to put me through so much. Fear of hurting or being hurt is a stupid reason not to be with someone, in my opinion. I could tell he still cared about me. He teared up as I was leaving. He never stopped looking at me the way he did. I just don’t fucking get it. I actually don’t believe him. He says he doesn’t love me, but he sure acted like he did, and everyone around us saw it… People would tell me how they could see it in him. “You can tell he loves you,” they would say. Or, “it’s so obvious how crazy he is about you.” I didn’t get those comments from people in other relationships… There were a few moments where I thought I was in love again, like in my last post. I don’t know if I was completely there, yet, because the feelings were in that back-and-forth stage, but I was very close. I cared for him deeply.

I used to wonder, “at what point do people decide that they want to be with someone despite their imperfections?” I used to think I was looking for someone perfect, and I would never get to that point of just accepting someone. Well, I got to that point with someone, finally. I’ve been in love before knowing that it would not work out in the long run. I knew this time that it could be different. It could work. And, I was willing to make it work, because he was worth it.

I can honestly say that no one before him was worth that. NO ONE.

I made it so easy to be with me, and I also made it so easy to let me go. I told him I would be sad if we didn’t work out, but that I wouldn’t be devastated. I did guard my heart, because deep down, I was so afraid of this happening. I guess part of me saw it coming, but most of me was completely shocked when he said to me last night, “I don’t love you.” How the fuck can you know that in three or four months?! I was, for the most part, completely blind-sighted, because he acted very much out of love for me all the time. He thought that he had been a neglectful boyfriend lately, but I disagree. He has been wonderful, because he is wonderful. Maybe he has been going through a dry spell where he wasn’t as amazing as usual, but his “usual amazing” is a place most guys never reach.

Whatever. I’m just going to plan on being single. I’m currently being single-pounced like crazy, but like always, no one sparks my interest. Even if he comes back around, he’s gonna have to work pretty fucking hard to get me back. I made it too easy. Actually, every guy from this point forward has a huge disadvantage. I’m not letting another person in unless they show me that they fucking deserve it.

You know, at this point, unless an amazing man finds me and tricks me into marrying him, there’s no hope for this chick. I’m done. I hope it happens for me, but my search is over.