I received a message not too long ago from the recent ex.  He has obviously been following me on Facebook.  Here’s what it said: “It really warms my heart to see how happy you are, and if we have a barrier where I can’t tell you something like that, then you should probably unfriend me because friends can say that kind of thing. That’s it. Oh, and Happy Holidays.”

Really?  I’m sorry, but I just can’t go from lovers to friends like that when the former lover hurt me like he did.  To choose something like comedy over me out of fear of hurting me is letting fear win.  He let his fear win.  In his mind, it was either hurt me now or hurt me later, so he chose now.  I didn’t respond.  I just deleted him.  I’m still bitter about it, because I don’t understand it.  I would choose to face the fear and work through it.  That’s what I do every day.

You see, I have this horrible fear of dying.  It stems from being a religious fanatic growing up and believing that when I died, I would go to heaven.  So, I had nothing to fear.  Death was just a way to pass from this life into eternal life where everything would be better than this life.  Believing that way was a wonderful way to live.  I lived in a fantasy world where God would always forgive me, and I didn’t have to fear anything because God was on my side.  A few years ago, I woke up and saw all of the deceit and manipulation that exists in religion.  I hate lies and am a truth seeker, so I began to seek truth wherever I could find it.

It all started when I began to ask this question, “Other people on the other side of the world think they have the right answers.  They think I’m wrong.  I think I have the right answers and think that they are wrong.  Well, someone has to be right, and someone has to be wrong.  What if that person is me?  What if I am wrong?”  Once I began to look at my belief system and see how flawed it really was, it crushed me.  I was very depressed for a long time, because I could not figure out what the right answers were.  I finally realized that there are none.  We all have a piece of this large puzzle.  No one has it all right.

I do have some peace now, but I still have this incredible fear of death.  I think about it every day.  I look at people and feel sorry for them, because one day, they won’t be here anymore.  Fading into nothingness terrifies me, and if I let it, the fear will cripple me.

That’s what fear does. It cripples people.  It holds them back from being who they really could be and keeps them from living life to the fullest.  It prevents happiness in all aspects…

If you allow it to.

I fight this fear every day.  I face it, and I push myself through it even though it terrifies me.  He chose to let fear win.  I choose to let fear make me stronger.  It drives me to be a better person for myself and others.  I really do feel that I am finally on the right path to change the world.  I’ve always felt like I had a high calling in life, so we shall see.

Here’s to fear.  Fight!


I should have cancelled date 3…

Yep… I went against that tiny small voice inside of me that told me to run and I went on a third date with him. I don’t know what that little voice was trying to say. Perhaps it was saying, “I know you’re trying to branch out and try something new, but this is not a good idea!” By date four, we were sleeping together and beginning a relationship that I thought was going to last. Boy was I wrong.

I just spent my evening after work dancing like an idiot around my apartment, doing handstands, and spinning in circles like I did when I was five. I had a couple of Mike’s Hard Lemonades, cranked up some music, and celebrated. Why? No fucking clue! I am just happy to say “FUCK THE WORLD!”

He broke up with me AGAIN! Two weeks off and then two weeks on. AND, he did it through text message. TEXT MESSAGE! …because he just couldn’t stand to see me upset. He thought I would be upset. HAHAHA! I wasn’t upset… I was fuckin’ pissed! He already hurt me, so I was still moving past that and didn’t have a chance to feel for him again just yet. I did not and will not shed one more tear over this boy. He’s not the awesome man I thought he was and not worth the tears. I’m over it! After he sent me his breakup text, I immediately went to single on Facebook, and then went to work and had an awesome night. I told him to throw my stuff away and not to call me. I hope I never fucking see him again. He told me he wouldn’t change his mind and that he wouldn’t do this to me again. HAHAHA! Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve heard that before. So, this tells me that he could change his mind yet again, because he said he wouldn’t and did anyway, and is now saying that this is his final decision… geez… Well, if he does, there ain’t no way in HELL I’m letting him back in. Too fuckin late!

After asking me to be his girlfriend again, things just didn’t feel the same. I had already mourned losing him and then felt very uneasy about everything once we were back on. He was calling the shots, and I hate that. I had no problem with him pursuing his dream of moving to Chicago for Improv Comedy, because I was likely going to be on a traveling dance company. He says he was feeling guilty about being so distant and that he meant everything he has ever said to me. So, he’s hopelessly losing love to this dream that is consuming him… how tragic. Fuck him. I told him that this is the worst mistake that he will probably ever make, and if he disagrees, then he really didn’t know what he had.

It must suck to truly believe that living for yourself is the best that life has to offer you. Believing that there is no existence beyond life after this one is his motivation for taking this leap because he doesn’t want to have regrets. I get that, but a life without love is empty indeed. It is possible to have both dreams and love. What do you do when you have everything you want and no one to share it with? What happens when you fail, and all you have is a lonely apartment waiting for you? How wonderful do you feel when you’re fucking someone just to relieve yourself and they have no respect for you? I’m sure he’ll find someone in Chicago to fuck. How empty that will be… You know, on a side note, I finally started researching toys to incorporate into our sex life. I thought that would have been fun. I’ve never owned one before. My goodness, he will never have anyone as fun as me. Sounds conceited, but he knows it’s true.

What did I learn from this relationship? Let’s see…

– Listen to your gut (I think I’ve learned this one a hundred times now)
– Date someone who is at least spiritual
– Sex really is very important to the health of the relationship
– I am much freakier and much more skilled sexually than I realized
– If he says he doesn’t like his job, THAT’S A RED FLAG!
– Make him wait to have sex with you until you know he has some strong feelings for you. He does not fucking deserve your body, ever! MAKE HIM EARN IT!
– A man really can express how he feels about you without words. Actions are so powerful.
– If he tells you that he is a fucking weirdo, believe him.
– If he breaks up with you, MOVE ON. It doesn’t matter what his reasons are. He’s retarded, his mind is made up, and you don’t want a fucking retard anyway. Oh yeah, you also have plenty of other options.



I officially hate Facebook

Four of my friends have recently announced to the world that they have stepped out of the dating realm and into what feels like an alternate reality or another dimension that is unreachable for me.  They got engaged, have beautiful rings, and now get to plan for the happiest day of their lives.  I could not care less about a huge flashy ring and ridiculous ceremony.  I have never really cared about those things.  I just want to find the person I am supposed to marry and be happy.  I am so inconceivably SICK of being so f*cking HURT!!!!!!!

I am incredibly hurt by this whole thing I’ve been going through but no longer letting it rule my life.  I still haven’t heard from him, which makes me really angry, but what can I do?  His parents are really upset with him, too.  I went over to his house last night and left a few things he gave me on his bed and computer desk.  I decided against leaving any mean notes, which I think was the right thing to do.  It would have been so nice to say a few nasty things, but I’d rather say them to his face if I ever get the chance.  He obviously can’t handle it when someone is mad at him, which is why he has disappeared.  That’s a pussy for ya.

I talked with his mother for a while.  She initiated the conversation and pretty much told me that I deserve better.  (He recently moved back home.) She let me know that she told him he was letting go of the best thing that has ever happened to him.  But, she also said he hasn’t really talked to her and she is going to try to talk to him in the next few days.  Maybe I will hear from him… kinda doubt it, though.  I really hate not getting closure.  We haven’t even officially broken up.  I told his mom that it’s over for me and if he ever wants to talk to me, he is going to have to reach out to me, because I’m done.  I especially won’t send him any more messages, because I don’t want him to be distracted while he is working and get shot or something.  Too, bad he wouldn’t give me the same courtesy.  He just let me f*cking suffer for a whole week.  His mom was very supportive of my actions and sorry I had to go through the hell that I did.  I could tell she was angry with him for doing that to me, and she said his dad was going to kick his butt.  He never asked his parents about if they have ever gone through this like I suggested, which tells me he was never searching for answers.  That hurts.  He didn’t care.  He just effing gave up.  I hate people who quit so easily.

Each day that goes by where I don’t hear a word from him reduces his chances of me ever considering him again.  I’m not sure if there is anything he could say at this point that would even allow my heart to trust him again.  He has a TON of growing up to do.  I do miss him and still love him.  I will for a while, but I have to be an adult and not a hopeless romantic by taking care of myself.  I’m trying to convince myself that I will find someone better, but I just don’t believe it right now.  I think that’s normal.

I scheduled a session with a therapist on Monday.  I feel I just need to talk to someone about how my dating life has gone the past few years.  I changed things up since doing all the “right things” wasn’t working, and the new way of doing things is not working either.  I know my main issue is allowing my biological clock to scream in my ear, but I really am terrified of that.  I feel like the alarm is going off and I keep hitting snooze.  Part of the reason I am so angry might be that I subconsciously believe HE ruined another great chance for me to get married and settle down.  HE threw me back into the dating world again, and I HATE it here.  HE chose to not protect me from that world, and I really believed he would.  I wanted to do that for him.  I don’t want to be that girl who just makes a relationship work because she just wants to get married, which is why I am letting him go.  I’m sure at some point I will be happy I did.  It’s really hard to be this strong, but it feels good to take care of myself, too.

I feel so bad that I have pushed my family away the past few years.  My sister mentioned to me that she feels my boyfriends are more of a priority over spending time with her.  I think that happens when you wait so late to get married.  You become so focused on finding that person when you feel you are running out of time, so you kinda forget about your family and everything else for that matter.  I didn’t mean for that to happen, but I think it’s actually natural to start separating and becoming independent.  I have been so focused on career and finding my soul mate the past few years.  I should have moved out a long time ago.  It just took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life other than ballet.  I think my family would function better if I was not here.  I think I would actually make time to go to dinner or lunch every now and then, because in my mind, I see them all every day right now so why go do something extra once a week when I could be dating!  I don’t know… Maybe I’m wrong for thinking that way.

I just wish someone would save me from all of these sharks in the huge ocean I feel I am swimming in.  I wish someone would let me save them, too.