Determined to love you forever…

There is a sort of sadness that ensues in the midst of the pure joy you feel when you finally unite with your twin soul. You realize the gravity of that saying “all good things come to an end.”  When you have everything… when you have that fire… you realize that just like the fire that runs its course, so too do the lives of you and your twin flame.

That is the most depressing thought of all.

Finally, Karma was good to me. She finally allowed for us to find one another and experience more love than most people could ever dream of. And one day, she will take that away.  I like to think that a love such as this will never be extinguished; that it will continue to burn beyond death and for all eternity.  However, I don’t know if that’s real or an idea people have to believe in order to keep on living as mortals.

I try so damn hard to live in the present and to just enjoy this indescribable precious thing that I have, but I am constantly reminded that one day, I may not have that anymore. The force which brought us together will decide when we have had our fill and retract. I guess it wasn’t ours to begin with, but why give something so undeniably the greatest thing in the universe and then take it away? How does that even make any sense?

It seems as though the universe finds joy in the greatest of tragedies, or maybe it is only through these tragedies that love like this can exist at all.  Maybe death is what fuels the flame of life and of love.  If that is the case, I have to thank the destruction which allowed me to revel in this intense love for as long as I am privileged to partake of it.

I don’t know how that makes much sense either, but I dread the day that I will pass from this world and leave this love behind. I hope and pray that I can take it along with me or that I will be endowed with another life to find him again.

60 more years with you just doesn’t seam like enough time.  Fuck, a million wouldn’t suffice either.  I need you forever.

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Fear

I received a message not too long ago from the recent ex.  He has obviously been following me on Facebook.  Here’s what it said: “It really warms my heart to see how happy you are, and if we have a barrier where I can’t tell you something like that, then you should probably unfriend me because friends can say that kind of thing. That’s it. Oh, and Happy Holidays.”

Really?  I’m sorry, but I just can’t go from lovers to friends like that when the former lover hurt me like he did.  To choose something like comedy over me out of fear of hurting me is letting fear win.  He let his fear win.  In his mind, it was either hurt me now or hurt me later, so he chose now.  I didn’t respond.  I just deleted him.  I’m still bitter about it, because I don’t understand it.  I would choose to face the fear and work through it.  That’s what I do every day.

You see, I have this horrible fear of dying.  It stems from being a religious fanatic growing up and believing that when I died, I would go to heaven.  So, I had nothing to fear.  Death was just a way to pass from this life into eternal life where everything would be better than this life.  Believing that way was a wonderful way to live.  I lived in a fantasy world where God would always forgive me, and I didn’t have to fear anything because God was on my side.  A few years ago, I woke up and saw all of the deceit and manipulation that exists in religion.  I hate lies and am a truth seeker, so I began to seek truth wherever I could find it.

It all started when I began to ask this question, “Other people on the other side of the world think they have the right answers.  They think I’m wrong.  I think I have the right answers and think that they are wrong.  Well, someone has to be right, and someone has to be wrong.  What if that person is me?  What if I am wrong?”  Once I began to look at my belief system and see how flawed it really was, it crushed me.  I was very depressed for a long time, because I could not figure out what the right answers were.  I finally realized that there are none.  We all have a piece of this large puzzle.  No one has it all right.

I do have some peace now, but I still have this incredible fear of death.  I think about it every day.  I look at people and feel sorry for them, because one day, they won’t be here anymore.  Fading into nothingness terrifies me, and if I let it, the fear will cripple me.

That’s what fear does. It cripples people.  It holds them back from being who they really could be and keeps them from living life to the fullest.  It prevents happiness in all aspects…

If you allow it to.

I fight this fear every day.  I face it, and I push myself through it even though it terrifies me.  He chose to let fear win.  I choose to let fear make me stronger.  It drives me to be a better person for myself and others.  I really do feel that I am finally on the right path to change the world.  I’ve always felt like I had a high calling in life, so we shall see.

Here’s to fear.  Fight!

I realized…

…that if he really thought I was that amazing, he would find a way to make this work.  If he really wanted keep me around and not throw us away, he would.  It can’t all be just about not hurting me.  Why would he risk losing me if he really thought we were that good for each other?

I tried to calm myself down today with many techniques.  I did a lot of driving.  Went to an orientation for a new part-time job. I forced myself to eat some tater tots, which are usually my favorite.  I nerded out with some old nerd friends and played Magic at the Gathering.  What seemed to help the most, though, was revisiting a dream of mine to be on a major professional dance company.  I am on a local company, but I mean one that travels the world.  When I was doing my own traveling for auditions a few years ago, I ran out of money before hitting the Chicago dance market.  I auditioned all over New York, LA, and even Washington DC. But, I never made it to Chicago.  That’s where he wants to go to pursue his dream.  Chicago.  There are a few dance company auditions in January that I would love to attend, but now I can’t, because it would look like I was chasing him.  I wish he wanted us to go pursue our dreams together and support each other while doing it.  I always wanted to be with someone who understood the satisfaction of chasing a dream and someone who wasn’t afraid to do it.  Being female, it’s pretty scary to do that alone.  Men have quite an advantage when it comes to being independent like that and just taking off.  You don’t hear of too many strong men getting raped or kidnapped.  I know he wants freedom to do this, and he does not want anything holding him back.  I just wish he knew that I wouldn’t, especially if I was chasing my own dream.  I even have a means to make some money that could possibly support both of us. I’ll be testing my new idea out soon.

The integrity of my blog has been compromised, because he knows about it now. This was supposed to be an anonymous blog, but oh well. I’m going to do my best to keep my writing as honest as possible. This truly is my therapy.  I write usually when I cannot calm myself down any other way.  I tried to change the name hoping it would also change the URL, but no.  That didn’t work.  I really don’t want to start a new blog, but I may have to…

I broke the daily ice cream regiment yesterday. Now it’s just no food.  I don’t know what’s happening to me.  I never lose my appetite.  However, something else I find interesting is happening… You know when you hurt yourself, and the pain starts to numb after a while?  I think the heart also has some kind of its own endorphins when it hurts too much or for a prolonged period of time.  That’s my new theory, at least.  I am feeling a little numb tonight.  Or, maybe something else is going on.  Maybe he’s thinking more about me and part of me senses that there is hope.  Or maybe, I know he doesn’t really care to save this relationship at all, and my heart is one step ahead of me in moving on.

Maybe I’m crazy.

I just hope that he and I can remain friends for now.  I need to stop worrying and just be happy that he still wants to be a part of my life.  I haven’t seen him in a week, and I miss him terribly.

 

another colossal embarrassment

I got my nails done today, which is not something I do often. It’s a small thing that helps me feel beautiful in the midst of feeling rejected. The lady doing my nails was super sweet and randomly asked me if I had a boyfriend.

I just said “no.”

She asked “why?” and said, “you’re so beautiful!”

Sigh…

I said, “Because he broke up with me last night.”

I began to tear up and she felt terrible for asking. She sincerely apologized and then paused and said, “you love him right?”

I guess she could see it in my eyes.

Since English is not her first language, I knew I couldn’t explain the complexity of my feelings, so in a split second I had to decide, “how did I really feel about this man?”

I whispered, “yeah… yeah… I do.” and the tears came streaming down. I let myself feel the love that I was too afraid to always let myself feel and felt my heart break at the same time. I was so good at keeping that in check and keeping my heart guarded, but what’s the use now? He’s gone. The most amazing man in my life is gone.

There’s no sense in fearing it anymore. I don’t know what’s worse: fearing loving someone or loving them too late and never getting to say it. It doesn’t matter, now, because I was never going to say it first anyway. Now I have to let myself fall in and out of love at the same time. Shit.

She rubbed my hands and continued to talk to me like my best friend would. It was so good to have an understanding friend for a few minutes while having my nails done. She could really feel my pain and she had some very good things to say to me. She sure made a customer out of me.

I had a film shoot today for an independent movie. I was almost two hours late because I couldn’t get the swelling in my face to go down enough to put makeup on and look decent. Thank god my character called for wearing my reading glasses. And thank god my character was supposed to be an absolute bitch. That was pretty easy for me today. Ha! I was able to blow off some steam, which helped temporarily until going to the nail salon. I’ve been eating too much ice cream. I made myself sick with Braum’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream on my way to the shoot and then drank a soda when I got there. That’s far from normal for me. I’m a health nut. Emotions for the win.

My heart feels pretty sick right now and I’m being bombarded with gentleman callers. I don’t know whether to move on and stay distracted by going out on a couple of dates, or if I should give myself some time. I don’t want to be with anyone right now. This fucking sucks. I just want that happy healthy relationship! I’m in no rush to get married or have kids. I just want to care for and love someone and be loved and cared for in return! Is that so much to ask for?!

I’m the one everyone thought would be married with the perfect family by now. I’m gonna be well past 30 before I ever see any of that! Every failed relationship is just another colossal embarrassment. I’m sure guys are going to start wondering, “shit, what’s wrong with her? She can get any guy she wants. So, how come no one seems to want her?”

Like I said, my search is over. To my future husband: if you really exist, come find me. When you do, I’m sorry for how hard I’m going to make it for you. You can thank all the men before you who said I was amazing like you do, but who one day suddenly turned on me.

I’m sorry. It’s going to take me a really long time to trust you, whoever you are.

I need to dance. I’m taking my pointe shoes to the gym. There’s no sense in trying to sleep tonight.

Singles awareness day

I hope you all had a wonderful Singles Awareness Day!  Mine pretty much sucked.  That one guy I had a little bit of hope for told me that he met someone else he’s crazy about.  So that’s it… Single for me for a long time…

That guy and my sister didn’t work out either.  He left a day early.  I was sad for her, but relieved that I could sleep again.  I knew he wasn’t her type.

It snowed here the other night.  And what did I do?  I stood outside in it and cried.  We never get snow, so when we do, it’s usually a very exciting thing.  I tried to dance in it to cheer myself up, but I found myself unable to move as a sadness fell over me.  My heart was crying out to him… the man I’m supposed to be with… my ultimate soulmate.  I let myself call out to him and could feel his heart breaking.  I hoped that by speaking into the wind that his heart might sense mine calling to him.  I tried to console him and tell him that I am still waiting for him.  I told him to not give up and to please come find me, because I’m too broken to keep searching.

I don’t know who he is or what he looks like, but a very small part of me still believes he’s out there somewhere and that he will find me. I just hope he does before I really don’t want to be with anyone anymore.  There are a few men in my life that are pursuing me, but I just don’t feel it with them.  I have developed some feelings for my best friend, but I just don’t think he’s the right one for me.  I know it hurts him that I think this way, but he knows I do.  Maybe things will change, but I don’t see us together.  It sure would be an interesting story if we ended up together.  He’s just too young for me.

I’m so thankful to have yoga, ballet, and my family right now.  I would not survive this season of my life without them.  And, thank you all out there for reading my thoughts.  Sending them out there really is comforting for some reason, even if no one comments.

Such a struggle

For the last 12 hours, all I have wanted to do is cry.  My sister has been talking to this army guy for about a year who has been deployed, and he came into town last night.  He is staying with us for three days. They met because a guy who I was interested in asked me to go to dinner with him and this guy friend of his one night.  Well, I didn’t want to go by myself, so I made my sister go with me.  So, he and my sister met that night, and they have been talking via Skype for a little over a year since then.  Cute story, right?  Well, the problem is that this is the type of guy I usually go for.  She and I usually never go for the same types of guys, but it’s different this time.  He’s a “good guy” and he seems so perfect.  He’s hilarious and goofy, and not afraid to embarrass himself in public like me.  He is super tall and incredibly attractive.  He seems to have a little bit of a nerdy side, too.  This is such a hard combination to find in a guy… someone who gets along with everyone, makes me really laugh, is hot, nerdy, and super tall… impossible.

So, I finally give up finding someone, and my little sister finds the perfect guy.  It’s so not fair, and I’m very jealous.  I’ve never felt this kind of jealousy before.  I have been through so much more heartache than her, and I’m older than her.  Why the hell have I not found the right person yet?!?!  It would just suck so bad if she got married before me.  I would have a very hard time being happy for her.  Of course I would be happy for her, but I would be so sad, too, and I would have to fake it so that her day was perfect.

I haven’t slept all night, because I like someone I can’t even entertain the thought of.  He came here to see my sister, and I would never get in the way.  That would be wrong.  I was supposed to have a date tonight with that guy I have dreamt about but am afraid of him hurting me.  He cancelled because he has family coming in town.  We were supposed to double date with my sister and her army guy and another couple or two.  I am definitely not going with them, now.  I actually decided to go to a singles mixer thing tonight.  The whole event is for “finding a date for Valentine’s Day.”  I hate that V-day is next week. ugh… so depressing.

99% of me has given up hope, but there’s still that 1% that wants to find someone.  It hurts my heart that I haven’t found him.  It almost feels like he is out there somewhere, and my heart is longing for him and hurting with him because he hasn’t found me, yet, either.  Most of me actually believes that I will never find him.  I’m not the type that looses hope easily.  I’ve always been a fighter, and I don’t give up on things that are important to me.  I just feel like I have lost this battle that I have been fighting for the last 12 years.  How long do you fight until it’s time to give up?  Is it time to just move on and focus on me?

I had another session on Thursday… It was pretty awesome.  I’ll have to update later, because I’m going to go take a Yoga class.  Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep after that.

Sex

I think the rest of my heart died yesterday. I have given up and have stopped searching. I realized that I really cannot go through this again. I physically cannot take being hurt again. I didn’t think I could handle it before being hurt the last time. He really doesn’t understand how he shattered me. I used to think it was good that I have not found anyone yet. I thought I would find someone after all of my friends rushed their relationships and that my relationship would be the one that lasted. Everyone always tells me that I’m too great of a girl to stay single and that it would be such a waste if I stayed single. Well, I’m done with relationships and closed off to new ones. There was hope for one, but I’m not too sure that we have great compatibility. The chemistry is great, but I don’t know how he feels about me. I’ve blown him off for someone else twice, and he says he likes what we have right now, but I don’t hear from him much, so I don’t know. I have dreams about him, so I know I’m excited about him, but I’m not letting my heart go there. I’m terrified, because I know he could really hurt me.

My best friend and I decided to start sleeping together. He and i have been talking about it for a while now. I You don’t want to fuck me right now unless I missed something asked my therapist before making this decision what she thinks of friends with benefits, and she has no problem with it. This friend of mine is a great guy, but he’s not someone I would want to pursue romantically. He’s four years younger than me and I just don’t feel a romantic connection with him. I actually encouraged him to ask for a waitress’ phone number who always flirts with him when we go to this one restaurant. He has had feelings for me in the past, but I think they are gone now.

So, we made this decision two days ago, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t really have an opinion. I don’t feel any more connected to him. It was fun, but I miss sharing that with someone I love. I had a few reservations about it, like not wanting to add to my number of partners and being afraid of being judged by others if anyone found out. I also don’t like putting chemicals into my body (birth control)… I wonder if this is what catapulted me into feeling that I was completely dead yesterday. I come from a background where sex before marriage is always wrong no matter what. I waited until my late 20s to have sex, and I was in love, so I have no regrets.

I don’t feel emotionally damaged from sex, which is something I used to worry about. In fact I feel a lot more mature and educated about it. I also feel that it has helped me work through the sexual abuse I went through as a child and I can better relate to people. I’m actually turned off by men who are 30 and say they are still virgins. Yeah, I met one of those several months ago. It was just strange for some reason! I also feel like more of an adult, because I have stuff in my life that I don’t care to share with my family. Since I still live at home, feeling independent and like an adult is important to me. My mother still tries to rule my life, so I take control by not telling her every detail. I cannot wait to move out this fall!

Maybe I’ll sign up for one of those television dating shows just for fun. Those are such a joke and I might have the opportunity to travel the world and make some friends for free! I’ll probably end up being the one who quits the show when I realize the guy is a total douche bag. For now, my focus is getting that teaching job and moving out on my own!