I lost me

I sometimes wonder where I’m going in life.  I wonder who I am and what my purpose is here.  I used to think I was unique… that I was some kind of gift to this world.  I now feel that I am just like everybody else…  just one of a few billion.  I am slowly losing my zest for life.  The stresses of being an adult are getting to me.  I’m a student, a waitress, a daughter, a girlfriend, an activist for charities, and trying to keep up with my fitness for dance.  It’s just too much.

I thought I was a unique individual.  Now, here I am trying to prove myself to man.  I used to be that unique girl that men wanted and that wanted no matter what my shortcomings were.  Maybe I still am and just don’t see it.  I feel that my loss of uniqueness means that I am viewed as more of a failure than I used to be, or that I have more to prove than I used to.  I understand that everyone has to prove themselves trustworthy, and that takes time.  I guess I just can’t explain how I feel at the moment.  Words are failing me.  Oh the irony.

I feel that I fail him a lot and I’m not sure if it’s because I take things the wrong way or if I really am failing and disappointing him.  I have come to love him very much and I know he loves and cares for me.  He shows me more than he says it.  He seems to have everything I want in someone plus that special something that makes me always have those emotional highs.  I don’t know if there is something wrong with me, or if we are just on different wavelengths and misunderstand each other all the time.  We talk much more than any other relationship I’ve been in, and we don’t fight, so we are communicating well, but maybe just not effectively?  

I don’t know.  

I want to be loved, protected, trusted, coveted…  I want to be the only woman a man desires and the only one that can fulfill those desires satisfactorily.  Something has happened to me, and I don’t know what that is.  I used to be that woman and I no longer am.  I need to figure out where that uniqueness went and what exactly it was.  I thought I knew myself better now.  He says he has been trying to figure me out.  How can he if I can’t even figure me out?  I know what I want from someone.  I just don’t know what I want from myself anymore… I guess in the midst of this whole “running from religion” process, I actually lost me.

 

When life throws you a curveball…

When Life Throws You a Curveball...

After moping around for a week, eating almost nothing but ice cream, and trying to figure out what the f*ck happened, I decided to talk to my dad. He was just completely stupefied by why anyone would choose improv comedy over someone as wonderful as me. Now, I know he is my dad, but my dad is not and never was that parent who believed the sun shined out of his kid’s ass. He is a very realistic person who knows what he wants in life and works hard for what he has. He knows what my faults are, and I always felt somewhat inadequate like he looked upon me as a failure at life.  I know he loves me and would do anything for me, because he has, but I don’t ever hear the words, “I’m proud of you” from him.  So, I believe his compliments on the rare occasions that I get them.  When my dad has something to say, I listen, because he doesn’t offer advice often.  And, he doesn’t just say stuff to make me feel good.

It’s also easy for me to believe what he says, because he is kind of an outsider.  He is my step dad although he did adopt me when my biological father gave up his parental rights when I was 12. So, yeah, it made absolutely no sense to him why this guy would break up with me to chase something he only discovered he loved FIVE months ago.  He said that, to him, it is so stupid to give up a life with me to chase something with no guarantee and where the odds are so against you.  He said, “being dirt poor gets old real fast, and who wants to live on welfare when they are older because they didn’t save for retirement when they could have?”  He actually understood why I chased my dream for as long as I did because I spent most of my life training for it.  I thought he looked down on me all these years.  My dad told me what a catch I am and how any man would be so lucky to have me.

Wow.  I didn’t realize that my dad thought so highly of me.  He thought this guy was the luckiest man alive to have had me for the time he did and the dumbest man alive to throw it away.  My dad concluded that he really doesn’t know me at all, because if he did, he wouldn’t have let me go.  My dad was just beside himself because he could not make sense of it all, and my dad has a genius level IQ, mind you… None of my explanations to defend him held any water with my dad whatsoever.

I needed that talk.  It gave me so much clarity.  I understand chasing a dream because I’ve done it, but at some point, you have to be realistic.  He gave up the best thing that ever happened to him, and for what?  To take a stab in the dark and hope for the best?  That can either make me feel completely worthless, or I can look at it as “he really is nuts.”  Or, this guy actually doesn’t think we are a match and won’t tell me that for whatever reason.  I do know what a catch I am.  It was just so reassuring to hear it from my dad, a man whom I respect and who so many people look up to.

I still think this guy is pretty effin’ amazing, but each day that goes by is one more strike against him if he ever does change his mind.  And, that’s not because I’m angry.  Time and distance just does that.  I will not chase him, so as far as he’s concerned, I’m gone.  My heart is still tied up with him, but there’s only so much time left before that is permanently damaged.  I can’t control that.  We may talk or hang out eventually, but I will be no one’s fuck buddy.  I am so much better than that and deserve so much more.  Sex for me is reserved for committed relationships only.  I tried that once, and I’ve decided not to play that game ever again.  I did consider it with him, but why the hell would I do that to myself?!  Alright, enough of that…

You know, there aren’t a lot of women anymore who are career-minded and incredibly driven but also want to be homemakers, actually raise their own kids, take care of their man in every way, who are patient and selfless, and who are independent as well… women who are fun, always looking for ways to spice things up, who are beautiful and loyal, and who genuinely show interest and support the passions of the men they love… women who respect their men in every way and always look for opportunities to show the world just how lucky they are to have him… women who don’t always have to be right and thrive on communication and compromise because it makes them better together.

We had so much potential to be incredible together.  I hope that finds me again.  I know that amazing men are pretty rare, but amazing women are even more hard to come by.  I sure hope he finds what he’s looking for, and I hope what he finds is worth what he lost.

(I also really hope he’s not reading my blog anymore)

Dignity…

…the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect.

“Our dignity is the one self-concept we humans dread losing and will try to maintain at all costs.”

This is an awesome quote that really stood out to me in my pedagogy class tonight. This is exactly why the relationship with my mom is so strained. I feel that she takes my dignity away all the time.  I had the guts to tell her how I feel about her a couple of weeks ago.  I usually just sit there while she lectures me and tells me how I do everything wrong, how I push everyone away, how I’m self-destructive, and how the whole family agrees with her about me.  I finally told her that she never tells me that she is proud of me.  You know what she said to me?  “Well, you haven’t done much to be proud of lately.”  Wow.  So all of my accomplishments in dance, community service, being the first of my family to get a college degree, my current pageant title, and finally deciding to be a teacher are nothing to be proud of… apparently not.

It’s a good thing I have been learning how to separate myself from her the past few years.  I have been learning how to validate myself without her support, which is hard to do while living with her.  I stay away from home a lot and stay very busy.  Maybe that’s why I decided so late in life to try doing a pageant.  Maybe I subconsciously needed the validation that I could do and be something greater than myself.  I have made so many good friends who build me up and keep me thinking positively about myself.  That, to me, is a very good thing.

I was talking to my sister today and telling her how it feels to be looked so down upon by my family.  It’s like they see me as this little child who is incapable of making any good choices and I have to be guided along with someone holding my hand every step of the way.  They do not trust me to make decisions that are best for me.  They try to run my life and then get angry when I don’t do things their way.  I feel so alienated and misunderstood by my family, and they don’t care.  If I ever tell my mom how I feel, I end up being the selfish one who has pushed everyone away.  What about taking me seriously for once?  Aren’t my feelings valid at some point?  I can’t be that crazy!  Maybe my mom has painted this picture of me to my family that is not true.  Maybe her perception of me is really just that: hers!

I said to my sister, “it really sucks not being trusted by your own family,” and she just told me that I don’t make good decisions.  I said, “well that’s your opinion.”  I dated one really bad person for a year, and that ended about a year ago.  So, because I got so stuck in that relationship, they think I’m self-destructive.  My sister really thinks that if they had not been so vocal about my horrible choices in that relationship, that I would have destroyed my life by staying with him. What she doesn’t realize is that I completely tuned them out after a while and made the choice to get out of the relationship myself.  I MADE THAT DECISION!  THEY DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR ME!  I’m the one that had to make those decisions, because I’m the one that had to live with them.  I had to say goodbye to someone I loved dearly, not them!

That period of my life was absolute hell, because everyone in my life was against me.  I had absolutely NO support.  I was madly in love with the wrong person, and instead of my family helping me through it, I was pinned against the wall for it.  I was lectured and told that I was stupid.  I’m sure it is scary to see someone you care about in a bad relationship, but I needed support, not added stress.  I needed for my parents to trust me to make the right decision for me.  What I needed was for someone to say, “I understand you and what you are going through and that you will make the right choice in the end.”  I was dating the wrong person AND my family was angry with me.  I knew I wouldn’t stay with him, but I didn’t know how to get out.  I was very suicidal and felt completely alone.  I did have one friend who was very understanding, and she is probably the sole reason I did not end my life.  Well that, and I knew my family would be devastated.  I didn’t want to prove them right about me being so incredibly selfish.  My friend helped me see light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s just what I needed.

I may have made some very different decisions after that relationship than I would have before it, but I came out of that relationship a completely different person than I was before it.  I had sex for the first time, started to see my mom as not being right all the time, embarked on a very difficult spiritual journey, began to see sex in a more mature and healthy light, and I discovered my own sense of morality that was my own, not one that someone told me to have.  I slept with someone I was not in a relationship with and learned from that how I didn’t want to do that again.  I slept with someone who I was in a relationship with but wasn’t in love with, and I learned that I didn’t want that either.  Then I learned what making love is, and that’s what I want, but I need to spend more time cultivating a relationship before going there.  I need to make sure that he is going to be around for the long haul and not give up because he’s scared of commitment.  It takes time to really get to know someone and truly love them.  I knew all of this, but I really learned it.

I completely understand the concept of how your actions affect everyone around you, especially your family.  I know that if I got pregnant, it would not be a good thing right now.  BUT, they also have to trust me to be smart about that.  They did raise me very well.  I’m not stupid, and waiting until you’re 27 to have sex is quite remarkable.  How about being proud of that?!  Oh, but it’s okay for the little sister to do it, just not me, because I’m retarded.  I try to tell myself that they are just harder on me because they expect greater things of me.  It gets harder and harder to believe that, especially when you are told you are stupid…  I have tried so hard not to be a burden on my parents.  That’s probably one reason why I haven’t moved out yet, because I’m so afraid to fail and have to move back home or ask them to bail me out.  I never ask them for anything. NEVER.

I am very happy that I waited until my late 20s to have sex, because I feel that I am emotionally mature enough to handle it.  I waited until I was in love, so I cannot regret that.  It is not the emotionally scarring thing that I was told it would be if you do it with the wrong person.  I truly do not have regrets about those experiences because I really learned from them.  I think regret comes from not understanding the lesson you are supposed to learn and not being able to forgive yourself for making a mistake.  Mistakes are opportunities to grow.  They are not red marks on your research paper.  I actually did feel regret for a while about sleeping with my last boyfriend, because I was so in love with him.  I think that’s because I was mad at myself for knowing better than to move so fast.  I did know better, but what I learned from that was what the voice of my gut sounds like.  I learned so well that my gut feelings are spot on and that I should NEVER ignore them.  I knew it was too fast when he told me he loved me.  I knew he didn’t know me well enough to say it, but I ignored that feeling and went with it, because I wanted him to be the last person I would ever have to date, and I wanted him to feel validated in being so open with me.  I have ignored those gut feelings a lot in my life in order to make others happy, including my mom.

My mom has been a terrific mom.  She has taught me so many things and shared so much of her wisdom with me.  She really is one of the strongest people I know considering how terrible her life was up until about 15 years ago.  However, she has not allowed me to learn from experience, which is how I learn best.  She hates that I learn best from experience.  It’s so ironic that she is the one who taught me how you can’t raise each of your children exactly the same way, because their personalities demand different parenting methods.  I was always so angry growing up that my youngest sister was treated so differently and got away with so much, but I understand why now.  What my mom needs to see is that she doesn’t really believe that.  If she did, she might not be so hard on me.

I feel that I have learned so much from my mom’s wisdom, and I stayed out of so much trouble compared to my peers in school because of that. However, there is only so much you can learn by just listening to someone’s advice and warnings.  You know, learning from experience may be the hardest way to learn life lessons, but that’s who I am, and that’s okay.

Session 2

Today was very interesting.  I briefly talked about my last conversation with my ex, cried a little bit, and then realized that it’s not the end of the world.  It’s hard to see that when your in the midst of feeling the hell that is heartbreak.  It really does “feel like a death,” my therapist said.  She identified with me instead of reaming me for everything I did wrong.  She then helped me see that I am a “caretaker” and that may not be what he wanted.  He doesn’t want another mother.  I’m starting to feel as though he just got bored with me.  I was too available, which didn’t feel right to him, because that’s not what he really wants even though that’s what he said he wanted.  I wanted to be there for him and to help him whenever he had troubles.  I wanted him to do the same for me.  I already knew all of this, but I am admitting it all to myself now.  I’m scared to admit it all, because I don’t want to feel responsible for that relationship failing.  He had absolutely no criticism for me, so maybe it wasn’t my fault.  I do understand now why it is so important to take things slow.  The therapist doesn’t think I was really in love since it takes a lot of time to really love someone.  She could be right, but I really do feel that I loved and cared for him deeply and still do.  I just wish I could understand what happened.

After this short conversation about him, we shifted focus on the relationship with my mother.  That is a source of a lot of pain for me, because nothing I do is ever good enough for her and none of my choices are right in her eyes.  She makes me feel completely incapable of making my own decisions and has my sister to back her up.  Therefore, I don’t trust my decisions and frequently second-guess myself.  This is why it has taken me 10 years since graduating high school to finally figure out what I want to do with my life.  I finally found something that I think I will enjoy that is also okay with her.  I will finally be able to move out on my own this fall and be my own person.  I need that more than anything.

My mom likes to give me a lot of unwarranted advice.  I might actually ask her for advice sometimes if she didn’t always throw it at me like an accusation of me being retarded and unable to think for myself.  I know her intentions are good, and she loves me, but I need space to be an adult and live my own life!  It seems that almost every time she opens her mouth about anything, I automatically throw up my wall and start getting offended.  I fight myself so hard to not feel it, show it, and not say a word.  I just sit there and take it and smile and nod.  On the rare occasion that I do say something I’m thinking, it turns into a huge fight and I end up being the crazy selfish person.  I even find myself wanting to do the exact opposite of everything she tells me to do just in spite of her.  I know that’s horrible, but that’s how sick I am of feeling like a child with no wisdom.  I don’t want her taking credit for my successes anymore and I’m not sure why.  Maybe I just want to feel some ownership over my life for once.  I want my mom to just trust in how she raised me and just f*cking let me go be an adult and learn from my own mistakes.  She does have a lot of wisdom, but she never allows me to ask her.  Instead, she shoves it down my throat.  She has backed off some since realizing I never listen to her anyway, but it still sounds like a broken record when she talks.  She says the same shit over and over again.

My therapist drew a conclusion that my mom has unintentionally put me in “her dark place” through her fear of me making her mistakes and destroying my life like she did.  The therapist asked me what would happen if my mom was ever made to realize that her actions were the cause of so much of my sadness/pain/suffering, and I became speechless and started to cry.  I said that it would destroy her if she ever could see that and own it, because she truly loves me and has been through so much anguish in her life already.  I don’t think she could handle that reality.  The therapist then pointed out that caretaker in me.  How ironic.  She said that I keep myself in this little box of trying to be perfect and please my mom and being afraid to confront her with my experience of her.

Any time I do try to talk to my mom about how I feel, it always turns into me being the selfish one that pushes everyone away.  It always turns into a heated argument.  Oh, and apparently I can’t see or understand the affect I have on people.  I’m a pretty self-aware person and pretty receptive to criticism, so that sends me on this thought process where I wonder if I really do have these major issues I can’t see, and if I can’t see them, I must really be batshit insane.  My therapist has made me feel very validated in how I feel about my mom, but then I hear my mom in the back of my head saying, “she doesn’t know you like I do.”  My mom thinks I manipulate everyone into seeing the world as I see it and making her look bad.  I’m really sick of feeling crazy.  I really don’t do that.  My mom is a wonderful mother.  We’ve just had some big issues that have snowballed in the past several years.  I’m more interested in moving out, career, and finding a husband than I am in being her daughter right now.  Once those things in my life settle down, I’ll gravitate back towards her a little…. maybe.

On a more positive note, I have a lunch date tomorrow, and I’m actually looking forward to it.