Well, life is funny…

I didn’t write much last year, because I sort of gave up.  I lost my passion for life and didn’t care anymore that I wasn’t ever going to meet a great guy.  I barely survived my first year of teaching, which destroyed what I thought was a relationship that was going somewhere, so I was pretty miserable at the start of my summer last year.  I somehow managed to win a state pageant, so I am a state beauty pageant titleholder!  That was the highlight of my year.  Well, that and one other thing that I will get to later…

Let me tell you what happens when you are a state beauty pageant titleholder and you give up on finding a great guy… CRAZY SHIT!!!!

I’ll explain. It started with not being able to get over my ex. I found myself in another relationship that I used to get over that one.  I’ve never done that before, and I knew better, but after seven months of being terribly depressed, I figured I needed to start dating again.  BAD IDEA.  They guy was a really good guy, just definitely not a match for me.  He told me he loved me after a week of officially being boyfriend/girlfriend, and my feelings plateaued after that.  I was very excited about him at first, but that died faster than any guy I’ve ever dated.  I ended up having to get on unemployment, because I couldn’t go back to teaching for health reasons, so my summer was consumed with catching up on sleep I never got for nine months of teaching and utter laziness.  I was so lost and unhealthy. I didn’t know what to do.

Then, I went with my mom to her 30 year high school reunion all the way across the country, and randomly met a super sweet guy.  We just clicked, and he was the perfect example of the nice nerdy guys I used to go for.  He was SUPER cute!  BUT, he was all the way on the other side of the country and I had a boyfriend that I wasn’t excited about.  Just my luck: meet a great guy that I can’t date because he’s too far away.

So, I break up with that boyfriend after three months and decide to date a guy I never considered since I met him four years ago.  He had been trying for four years, and I had given up, so I figured, why not?  He’s hot, and I don’t care what kind of person he is at this point. BAD IDEA. Not only was I right on about this guy being a total player, he has SEVERE narcissictic personality disorder.  I started to feel very strung along after about a month, so I called it quits and he FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!  He started contacting my friends and family on Facebook to try to make me look like a crazy person and started posting horrible things about me on his own Facebook wall.  Geez…  I knew he was nuts, but I had NO IDEA.

Then, I meet this chef guy at a charity event.  I had zero interest at first, but we exchanged cards and a couple weeks later he starts pursuing me hardcore.  He said a lot of very fabulous things, which I bought even though I knew better, and we started dating a little.  I should have seen red flags all over him when he would call me like 10 times a day, but I didn’t care to notice the flags because I just didn’t fucking care anymore.  Well, he invites himself over one night to cook me this gourmet dinner, which I thought was pretty cool.  He then got me drunk, which I’ve only been like twice in my life, and took advantage of me.  I can’t claim rape, because it wasn’t, and I’m a fair and honest person, but he definitely took advantage of the situation like scumbags do.  Anyway, I never make such stupid decisions, but like I said, I just didn’t care anymore.  So, I decided to stick with it and see how it panned out, since I made a stupid decision already… He asked me to be his date to the biggest charity ball that exists out here.  Thousands and thousands of people go to this thing.  I was there volunteering for a couple of hours and he had some networking to do.  Well, it’s time for us to meet up, and it takes me quite a while to find him.  The group I was with and I end up chasing him around this huge place for about an hour until I was so pissed I couldn’t take it anymore.  He treated me like absolute shit and abandoned me!!!! He also hung out with another girl all night and never even got one photo with me, HIS DATE!  He was so rude and so ungentlemanlike, I was shocked.  Who seriously asks Miss _______ to be his date and then abandons her at an event!!!!  Forget the title, who does that to any girl???

So, here I am wondering what the hell his problem is after giving him a chance when he really had none to begin with.  I gave him the benefit of a doubt when he told me about his business and owning restaurants all over the world.  I didn’t realize that there are people who tell such EXTRAVIGANT LIES because they really have nothing and still live with their parents at 35 years old. Geez… What a crazy bastard.  So much shit came out about him after that evening.  I haven’t spoken to him since other than texting.  I told him he lost me as a romantic partner and friend.  He seriously tried to apologize via text!  And, only after I called him out on it and backed him into a corner! Fecking asshole!  Apparently, this is what he does to women.  He always goes after what he can’t have, or he goes for women with incredibly low self-esteem, uses them, and then screws them over big time.  He doesn’t own any restaurants other than a catering company, which isn’t doing well because he’s such a terrible person. The only review he has for his company is a review he posted himself talking about how wonderful he is. BAHAHAHAHA! #classic

Then… are you ready for this? …

I met the most amazing man on the planet.

Seriously, he’s the one. I can feel it.

I gave up, and then he appeared.  Isn’t that how it always happens to people?  They say when you know, you just know. And that’s how I always knew I was with the wrong person. I never just knew, ya know? haha… I digress.  This man is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and kind of reminds me of the guy I met all the way across the country last summer.  Very attractive, but not in a man-whore way, but in a very sweet and cute way.  He has ignited a fire in me that other men have slowly been extinguishing over the years, and I feel like I am flying.  My passions have returned.  I’m writing again, dancing again, working on my spirituality again, learning meditation, and just being happy again.

I also landed my dream job.  It’s a pay cut, but I am so much happier and less stressed.  I am finally excited about life again, and I hope you all find your happiness and passion for life this year!

My high school sweetheart is a swinger?!

It’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve done some crazy things lately and made some new discoveries.  I love making discoveries about myself.  I told the last guy not to contact me.  He pissed me off by leading me on and giving me false hope, so he is no longer allowed in my life.   I thought I was so close to finding the right person for me, but I was wrong… again.  I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I have failed so many times that it’s not discouraging anymore but actually encouraging.  I gave up at one point when I hit my all-time low.  Relationships used to knock me down.  Now, they lift me up higher than I was before.  I learn something from each failed relationship that helps me in the next one and brings me one step closer to the right one.

I started to wonder if this last guy sabotaged our relationship on purpose.  I wondered if he asked me to come back with the full intention of ruining things so badly that I would actually not want to be with him and move on faster.  If that is the case, it’s pretty f*cking sick, and I really am better off.  I really hope I never hear from him again, but I’m afraid that I might…

I had sex with a guy not too long ago that I’ve known for a couple of years.  It’s not like me to just sleep with someone like that, but I really wanted to a long time ago and never did.  I didn’t want him to be my first even though we had such intense sexual chemistry then.  I thought I’d give this guy another shot.  He would message me every now and then, so I thought I would see if there could be something there.  Well, there was no intellectual chemistry there just like way back when, but he is still incredibly attractive and has a huge d*ck.  He pushed it with me and I just didn’t want to resist, so I didn’t.  It was ok and I’m glad I have no regrets about not pursuing that relationship back in the day.  He is a great guy, but we just don’t click in my opinion.

I also chewed out a guy who I was once crazy about.  He came back into my life after finding out I was single again and the chemistry was still very much alive with him.  I was just drawn to this guy and decided to give him another chance.  HA!  What a joke.  I’m sorry, but I am not going to be some guy’s sexting mistress.  I want real men, real phone conversations, and real commitment.  I fucking HATE players!!!!!!!!  I’m just glad I turned down sex… that was hard to do.

I invested in a few dildos to keep my sex drive occupied while I take a break from sex and birth control.  I’ve never owned one before, so this is kind of a new and exciting personal adventure for me.  I ordered one of them right before the last guy dumped me.  I was hoping we would be able to have some fun with it… oh well.  That’s just one more extra the next guy will get.  Another one I bought to do some web cam modeling, but after doing tons and tons of research on it, I just don’t think I can do it.  I’m too afraid someone will recognize me, and that’s not my idea of a fun way to get famous.

Perhaps the strangest thing that has happened to me recently is finding out that my high school sweetheart is a swinger.  I also discovered that I was not quite over him!  Imagine that!  It has been eight years since we broke up, and I had not completely healed from that! …until recently that is.  He sent me a message on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday.  We started talking because I told him of this strange dream I had about him the night before where he was asking me about relationship advice.  One thing led to another, and we were talking about relationships and our breakup.  I actually cried thinking about the night I broke up with him.  I will never forget it, because I so badly did not want to do it. I loved him so much.  One of the last things I said to him was that I would always love him, and I meant it.  A part of me still does and probably always will.  However, he is not someone that I would ever consider dating ever again.  He doesn’t want kids and can’t commit to just one woman.  I don’t judge him for that, but it’s vastly different than what I want.  I think that having this conversation with him and being able to apologize was that last thing I needed to completely let go of him.  Things still felt awkward between us when I saw him at a reunion last summer, and now I know why.

I am once again excited about the future.  Nutcracker season is about to begin, and there are some promising men lining up to date me, so maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for this time.  We shall see…

I should have cancelled date 3…

Yep… I went against that tiny small voice inside of me that told me to run and I went on a third date with him. I don’t know what that little voice was trying to say. Perhaps it was saying, “I know you’re trying to branch out and try something new, but this is not a good idea!” By date four, we were sleeping together and beginning a relationship that I thought was going to last. Boy was I wrong.

I just spent my evening after work dancing like an idiot around my apartment, doing handstands, and spinning in circles like I did when I was five. I had a couple of Mike’s Hard Lemonades, cranked up some music, and celebrated. Why? No fucking clue! I am just happy to say “FUCK THE WORLD!”

He broke up with me AGAIN! Two weeks off and then two weeks on. AND, he did it through text message. TEXT MESSAGE! …because he just couldn’t stand to see me upset. He thought I would be upset. HAHAHA! I wasn’t upset… I was fuckin’ pissed! He already hurt me, so I was still moving past that and didn’t have a chance to feel for him again just yet. I did not and will not shed one more tear over this boy. He’s not the awesome man I thought he was and not worth the tears. I’m over it! After he sent me his breakup text, I immediately went to single on Facebook, and then went to work and had an awesome night. I told him to throw my stuff away and not to call me. I hope I never fucking see him again. He told me he wouldn’t change his mind and that he wouldn’t do this to me again. HAHAHA! Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve heard that before. So, this tells me that he could change his mind yet again, because he said he wouldn’t and did anyway, and is now saying that this is his final decision… geez… Well, if he does, there ain’t no way in HELL I’m letting him back in. Too fuckin late!

After asking me to be his girlfriend again, things just didn’t feel the same. I had already mourned losing him and then felt very uneasy about everything once we were back on. He was calling the shots, and I hate that. I had no problem with him pursuing his dream of moving to Chicago for Improv Comedy, because I was likely going to be on a traveling dance company. He says he was feeling guilty about being so distant and that he meant everything he has ever said to me. So, he’s hopelessly losing love to this dream that is consuming him… how tragic. Fuck him. I told him that this is the worst mistake that he will probably ever make, and if he disagrees, then he really didn’t know what he had.

It must suck to truly believe that living for yourself is the best that life has to offer you. Believing that there is no existence beyond life after this one is his motivation for taking this leap because he doesn’t want to have regrets. I get that, but a life without love is empty indeed. It is possible to have both dreams and love. What do you do when you have everything you want and no one to share it with? What happens when you fail, and all you have is a lonely apartment waiting for you? How wonderful do you feel when you’re fucking someone just to relieve yourself and they have no respect for you? I’m sure he’ll find someone in Chicago to fuck. How empty that will be… You know, on a side note, I finally started researching toys to incorporate into our sex life. I thought that would have been fun. I’ve never owned one before. My goodness, he will never have anyone as fun as me. Sounds conceited, but he knows it’s true.

What did I learn from this relationship? Let’s see…

– Listen to your gut (I think I’ve learned this one a hundred times now)
– Date someone who is at least spiritual
– Sex really is very important to the health of the relationship
– I am much freakier and much more skilled sexually than I realized
– If he says he doesn’t like his job, THAT’S A RED FLAG!
– Make him wait to have sex with you until you know he has some strong feelings for you. He does not fucking deserve your body, ever! MAKE HIM EARN IT!
– A man really can express how he feels about you without words. Actions are so powerful.
– If he tells you that he is a fucking weirdo, believe him.
– If he breaks up with you, MOVE ON. It doesn’t matter what his reasons are. He’s retarded, his mind is made up, and you don’t want a fucking retard anyway. Oh yeah, you also have plenty of other options.

END RANT

LIFE! TAKE 437,221. “CLAP! …AAAAND ACTION!”

When life throws you a curveball…

When Life Throws You a Curveball...

After moping around for a week, eating almost nothing but ice cream, and trying to figure out what the f*ck happened, I decided to talk to my dad. He was just completely stupefied by why anyone would choose improv comedy over someone as wonderful as me. Now, I know he is my dad, but my dad is not and never was that parent who believed the sun shined out of his kid’s ass. He is a very realistic person who knows what he wants in life and works hard for what he has. He knows what my faults are, and I always felt somewhat inadequate like he looked upon me as a failure at life.  I know he loves me and would do anything for me, because he has, but I don’t ever hear the words, “I’m proud of you” from him.  So, I believe his compliments on the rare occasions that I get them.  When my dad has something to say, I listen, because he doesn’t offer advice often.  And, he doesn’t just say stuff to make me feel good.

It’s also easy for me to believe what he says, because he is kind of an outsider.  He is my step dad although he did adopt me when my biological father gave up his parental rights when I was 12. So, yeah, it made absolutely no sense to him why this guy would break up with me to chase something he only discovered he loved FIVE months ago.  He said that, to him, it is so stupid to give up a life with me to chase something with no guarantee and where the odds are so against you.  He said, “being dirt poor gets old real fast, and who wants to live on welfare when they are older because they didn’t save for retirement when they could have?”  He actually understood why I chased my dream for as long as I did because I spent most of my life training for it.  I thought he looked down on me all these years.  My dad told me what a catch I am and how any man would be so lucky to have me.

Wow.  I didn’t realize that my dad thought so highly of me.  He thought this guy was the luckiest man alive to have had me for the time he did and the dumbest man alive to throw it away.  My dad concluded that he really doesn’t know me at all, because if he did, he wouldn’t have let me go.  My dad was just beside himself because he could not make sense of it all, and my dad has a genius level IQ, mind you… None of my explanations to defend him held any water with my dad whatsoever.

I needed that talk.  It gave me so much clarity.  I understand chasing a dream because I’ve done it, but at some point, you have to be realistic.  He gave up the best thing that ever happened to him, and for what?  To take a stab in the dark and hope for the best?  That can either make me feel completely worthless, or I can look at it as “he really is nuts.”  Or, this guy actually doesn’t think we are a match and won’t tell me that for whatever reason.  I do know what a catch I am.  It was just so reassuring to hear it from my dad, a man whom I respect and who so many people look up to.

I still think this guy is pretty effin’ amazing, but each day that goes by is one more strike against him if he ever does change his mind.  And, that’s not because I’m angry.  Time and distance just does that.  I will not chase him, so as far as he’s concerned, I’m gone.  My heart is still tied up with him, but there’s only so much time left before that is permanently damaged.  I can’t control that.  We may talk or hang out eventually, but I will be no one’s fuck buddy.  I am so much better than that and deserve so much more.  Sex for me is reserved for committed relationships only.  I tried that once, and I’ve decided not to play that game ever again.  I did consider it with him, but why the hell would I do that to myself?!  Alright, enough of that…

You know, there aren’t a lot of women anymore who are career-minded and incredibly driven but also want to be homemakers, actually raise their own kids, take care of their man in every way, who are patient and selfless, and who are independent as well… women who are fun, always looking for ways to spice things up, who are beautiful and loyal, and who genuinely show interest and support the passions of the men they love… women who respect their men in every way and always look for opportunities to show the world just how lucky they are to have him… women who don’t always have to be right and thrive on communication and compromise because it makes them better together.

We had so much potential to be incredible together.  I hope that finds me again.  I know that amazing men are pretty rare, but amazing women are even more hard to come by.  I sure hope he finds what he’s looking for, and I hope what he finds is worth what he lost.

(I also really hope he’s not reading my blog anymore)

I realized…

…that if he really thought I was that amazing, he would find a way to make this work.  If he really wanted keep me around and not throw us away, he would.  It can’t all be just about not hurting me.  Why would he risk losing me if he really thought we were that good for each other?

I tried to calm myself down today with many techniques.  I did a lot of driving.  Went to an orientation for a new part-time job. I forced myself to eat some tater tots, which are usually my favorite.  I nerded out with some old nerd friends and played Magic at the Gathering.  What seemed to help the most, though, was revisiting a dream of mine to be on a major professional dance company.  I am on a local company, but I mean one that travels the world.  When I was doing my own traveling for auditions a few years ago, I ran out of money before hitting the Chicago dance market.  I auditioned all over New York, LA, and even Washington DC. But, I never made it to Chicago.  That’s where he wants to go to pursue his dream.  Chicago.  There are a few dance company auditions in January that I would love to attend, but now I can’t, because it would look like I was chasing him.  I wish he wanted us to go pursue our dreams together and support each other while doing it.  I always wanted to be with someone who understood the satisfaction of chasing a dream and someone who wasn’t afraid to do it.  Being female, it’s pretty scary to do that alone.  Men have quite an advantage when it comes to being independent like that and just taking off.  You don’t hear of too many strong men getting raped or kidnapped.  I know he wants freedom to do this, and he does not want anything holding him back.  I just wish he knew that I wouldn’t, especially if I was chasing my own dream.  I even have a means to make some money that could possibly support both of us. I’ll be testing my new idea out soon.

The integrity of my blog has been compromised, because he knows about it now. This was supposed to be an anonymous blog, but oh well. I’m going to do my best to keep my writing as honest as possible. This truly is my therapy.  I write usually when I cannot calm myself down any other way.  I tried to change the name hoping it would also change the URL, but no.  That didn’t work.  I really don’t want to start a new blog, but I may have to…

I broke the daily ice cream regiment yesterday. Now it’s just no food.  I don’t know what’s happening to me.  I never lose my appetite.  However, something else I find interesting is happening… You know when you hurt yourself, and the pain starts to numb after a while?  I think the heart also has some kind of its own endorphins when it hurts too much or for a prolonged period of time.  That’s my new theory, at least.  I am feeling a little numb tonight.  Or, maybe something else is going on.  Maybe he’s thinking more about me and part of me senses that there is hope.  Or maybe, I know he doesn’t really care to save this relationship at all, and my heart is one step ahead of me in moving on.

Maybe I’m crazy.

I just hope that he and I can remain friends for now.  I need to stop worrying and just be happy that he still wants to be a part of my life.  I haven’t seen him in a week, and I miss him terribly.

 

Singles awareness day

I hope you all had a wonderful Singles Awareness Day!  Mine pretty much sucked.  That one guy I had a little bit of hope for told me that he met someone else he’s crazy about.  So that’s it… Single for me for a long time…

That guy and my sister didn’t work out either.  He left a day early.  I was sad for her, but relieved that I could sleep again.  I knew he wasn’t her type.

It snowed here the other night.  And what did I do?  I stood outside in it and cried.  We never get snow, so when we do, it’s usually a very exciting thing.  I tried to dance in it to cheer myself up, but I found myself unable to move as a sadness fell over me.  My heart was crying out to him… the man I’m supposed to be with… my ultimate soulmate.  I let myself call out to him and could feel his heart breaking.  I hoped that by speaking into the wind that his heart might sense mine calling to him.  I tried to console him and tell him that I am still waiting for him.  I told him to not give up and to please come find me, because I’m too broken to keep searching.

I don’t know who he is or what he looks like, but a very small part of me still believes he’s out there somewhere and that he will find me. I just hope he does before I really don’t want to be with anyone anymore.  There are a few men in my life that are pursuing me, but I just don’t feel it with them.  I have developed some feelings for my best friend, but I just don’t think he’s the right one for me.  I know it hurts him that I think this way, but he knows I do.  Maybe things will change, but I don’t see us together.  It sure would be an interesting story if we ended up together.  He’s just too young for me.

I’m so thankful to have yoga, ballet, and my family right now.  I would not survive this season of my life without them.  And, thank you all out there for reading my thoughts.  Sending them out there really is comforting for some reason, even if no one comments.

Dignity…

…the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect.

“Our dignity is the one self-concept we humans dread losing and will try to maintain at all costs.”

This is an awesome quote that really stood out to me in my pedagogy class tonight. This is exactly why the relationship with my mom is so strained. I feel that she takes my dignity away all the time.  I had the guts to tell her how I feel about her a couple of weeks ago.  I usually just sit there while she lectures me and tells me how I do everything wrong, how I push everyone away, how I’m self-destructive, and how the whole family agrees with her about me.  I finally told her that she never tells me that she is proud of me.  You know what she said to me?  “Well, you haven’t done much to be proud of lately.”  Wow.  So all of my accomplishments in dance, community service, being the first of my family to get a college degree, my current pageant title, and finally deciding to be a teacher are nothing to be proud of… apparently not.

It’s a good thing I have been learning how to separate myself from her the past few years.  I have been learning how to validate myself without her support, which is hard to do while living with her.  I stay away from home a lot and stay very busy.  Maybe that’s why I decided so late in life to try doing a pageant.  Maybe I subconsciously needed the validation that I could do and be something greater than myself.  I have made so many good friends who build me up and keep me thinking positively about myself.  That, to me, is a very good thing.

I was talking to my sister today and telling her how it feels to be looked so down upon by my family.  It’s like they see me as this little child who is incapable of making any good choices and I have to be guided along with someone holding my hand every step of the way.  They do not trust me to make decisions that are best for me.  They try to run my life and then get angry when I don’t do things their way.  I feel so alienated and misunderstood by my family, and they don’t care.  If I ever tell my mom how I feel, I end up being the selfish one who has pushed everyone away.  What about taking me seriously for once?  Aren’t my feelings valid at some point?  I can’t be that crazy!  Maybe my mom has painted this picture of me to my family that is not true.  Maybe her perception of me is really just that: hers!

I said to my sister, “it really sucks not being trusted by your own family,” and she just told me that I don’t make good decisions.  I said, “well that’s your opinion.”  I dated one really bad person for a year, and that ended about a year ago.  So, because I got so stuck in that relationship, they think I’m self-destructive.  My sister really thinks that if they had not been so vocal about my horrible choices in that relationship, that I would have destroyed my life by staying with him. What she doesn’t realize is that I completely tuned them out after a while and made the choice to get out of the relationship myself.  I MADE THAT DECISION!  THEY DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR ME!  I’m the one that had to make those decisions, because I’m the one that had to live with them.  I had to say goodbye to someone I loved dearly, not them!

That period of my life was absolute hell, because everyone in my life was against me.  I had absolutely NO support.  I was madly in love with the wrong person, and instead of my family helping me through it, I was pinned against the wall for it.  I was lectured and told that I was stupid.  I’m sure it is scary to see someone you care about in a bad relationship, but I needed support, not added stress.  I needed for my parents to trust me to make the right decision for me.  What I needed was for someone to say, “I understand you and what you are going through and that you will make the right choice in the end.”  I was dating the wrong person AND my family was angry with me.  I knew I wouldn’t stay with him, but I didn’t know how to get out.  I was very suicidal and felt completely alone.  I did have one friend who was very understanding, and she is probably the sole reason I did not end my life.  Well that, and I knew my family would be devastated.  I didn’t want to prove them right about me being so incredibly selfish.  My friend helped me see light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s just what I needed.

I may have made some very different decisions after that relationship than I would have before it, but I came out of that relationship a completely different person than I was before it.  I had sex for the first time, started to see my mom as not being right all the time, embarked on a very difficult spiritual journey, began to see sex in a more mature and healthy light, and I discovered my own sense of morality that was my own, not one that someone told me to have.  I slept with someone I was not in a relationship with and learned from that how I didn’t want to do that again.  I slept with someone who I was in a relationship with but wasn’t in love with, and I learned that I didn’t want that either.  Then I learned what making love is, and that’s what I want, but I need to spend more time cultivating a relationship before going there.  I need to make sure that he is going to be around for the long haul and not give up because he’s scared of commitment.  It takes time to really get to know someone and truly love them.  I knew all of this, but I really learned it.

I completely understand the concept of how your actions affect everyone around you, especially your family.  I know that if I got pregnant, it would not be a good thing right now.  BUT, they also have to trust me to be smart about that.  They did raise me very well.  I’m not stupid, and waiting until you’re 27 to have sex is quite remarkable.  How about being proud of that?!  Oh, but it’s okay for the little sister to do it, just not me, because I’m retarded.  I try to tell myself that they are just harder on me because they expect greater things of me.  It gets harder and harder to believe that, especially when you are told you are stupid…  I have tried so hard not to be a burden on my parents.  That’s probably one reason why I haven’t moved out yet, because I’m so afraid to fail and have to move back home or ask them to bail me out.  I never ask them for anything. NEVER.

I am very happy that I waited until my late 20s to have sex, because I feel that I am emotionally mature enough to handle it.  I waited until I was in love, so I cannot regret that.  It is not the emotionally scarring thing that I was told it would be if you do it with the wrong person.  I truly do not have regrets about those experiences because I really learned from them.  I think regret comes from not understanding the lesson you are supposed to learn and not being able to forgive yourself for making a mistake.  Mistakes are opportunities to grow.  They are not red marks on your research paper.  I actually did feel regret for a while about sleeping with my last boyfriend, because I was so in love with him.  I think that’s because I was mad at myself for knowing better than to move so fast.  I did know better, but what I learned from that was what the voice of my gut sounds like.  I learned so well that my gut feelings are spot on and that I should NEVER ignore them.  I knew it was too fast when he told me he loved me.  I knew he didn’t know me well enough to say it, but I ignored that feeling and went with it, because I wanted him to be the last person I would ever have to date, and I wanted him to feel validated in being so open with me.  I have ignored those gut feelings a lot in my life in order to make others happy, including my mom.

My mom has been a terrific mom.  She has taught me so many things and shared so much of her wisdom with me.  She really is one of the strongest people I know considering how terrible her life was up until about 15 years ago.  However, she has not allowed me to learn from experience, which is how I learn best.  She hates that I learn best from experience.  It’s so ironic that she is the one who taught me how you can’t raise each of your children exactly the same way, because their personalities demand different parenting methods.  I was always so angry growing up that my youngest sister was treated so differently and got away with so much, but I understand why now.  What my mom needs to see is that she doesn’t really believe that.  If she did, she might not be so hard on me.

I feel that I have learned so much from my mom’s wisdom, and I stayed out of so much trouble compared to my peers in school because of that. However, there is only so much you can learn by just listening to someone’s advice and warnings.  You know, learning from experience may be the hardest way to learn life lessons, but that’s who I am, and that’s okay.