I could seriously sit and write 24-7 and still not get all of my thoughts out. It’s frustrating how much goes on in my head that I just don’t have time to get on paper. So, what do I do? I just avoid writing altogether. I really need to stop doing that! As an entrepreneur, I am always coming up with new ideas, and I cannot physically chase them all. The past couple of years have been incredible and also boringly stable. It’s amazing. Instead of writing all the time, I’ve been trying to build businesses to free my husband and I from a life of slaving away for others.
After the craziness that was my dating life, he finally found me, chased me, and married me… on St. Patrick’s Day 2016. He is absolutely wonderful. Now, I am pregnant and due this March! A baby boy coming right before our two-year anniversary.
I feel guilty that I haven’t been excited about this. We weren’t trying, and I for some reason thought I would have fertility issues. I wanted to wait until we got into out house first… But, here we are. My belly is huge, our closing date keeps getting pushed back, my body is changing for the worse, and I’m getting the shit kicked out of my insides. It is exciting, but I’m more terrified than I am excited. And, I hate that I may never look good in a bathing suit ever again. I miss my mobility and ballet and not being in pain. I’m concerned that I don’t really have a lot of emotional highs or lows about being pregnant. It’s just happening to me, and I don’t really know what to think. My mom asks if I have developed an emotional attachment to the baby yet, and I’m like, “No, should I?” I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that there’s a human being growing inside of me. A person with his own personality and journey. Maybe that’s just how it is the first time you are pregnant: you spend the whole nine months trying to understand what’s happening to you.
Or maybe I’m just weird.
There are so many women out there who can’t get pregnant and want to, and here I am pregnant, due in two months, and kind of excited about it and really scared. What’s wrong with me? The baby shower is this Saturday, and I hope I can look happy.
I did finally have a mommy moment the other night where I realized that I am about to have a child that I cannot be there for. I will have to work seven days a week, the hubby five days a week, and he will be cared for by his grandmas. It tore me to pieces that I am about to be offered an incredible job opportunity that I have to take instead of be there for this new life that my body is creating who will need me. I am just hoping and praying that my side businesses will pick up and be able to replace the full time job, so I can work part time and be a mommy.
Maybe that’s why I’m not really excited… because I feel I have already failed at being a good mother. How can you even be a mother if you’re never around?
And that brings me back to writing. It’s time to start blogging about my business ventures to drive more traffic to those websites. I need to keep up with this anonymous blog as well, because it’s my personal outlet. This is where I can be honest and keep it real.