Too Many Passions

I could seriously sit and write 24-7 and still not get all of my thoughts out. It’s frustrating how much goes on in my head that I just don’t have time to get on paper. So, what do I do? I just avoid writing altogether. I really need to stop doing that! As an entrepreneur, I am always coming up with new ideas, and I cannot physically chase them all. The past couple of years have been incredible and also boringly stable. It’s amazing. Instead of writing all the time, I’ve been trying to build businesses to free my husband and I from a life of slaving away for others.

That’s right!

My husband!


After the craziness that was my dating life, he finally found me, chased me, and married me… on St. Patrick’s Day 2016. He is absolutely wonderful. Now, I am pregnant and due this March! A baby boy coming right before our two-year anniversary.

I feel guilty that I haven’t been excited about this. We weren’t trying, and I for some reason thought I would have fertility issues. I wanted to wait until we got into out house first… But, here we are. My belly is huge, our closing date keeps getting pushed back, my body is changing for the worse, and I’m getting the shit kicked out of my insides. It is exciting, but I’m more terrified than I am excited. And, I hate that I may never look good in a bathing suit ever again. I miss my mobility and ballet and not being in pain. I’m concerned that I don’t really have a lot of emotional highs or lows about being pregnant. It’s just happening to me, and I don’t really know what to think. My mom asks if I have developed an emotional attachment to the baby yet, and I’m like, “No, should I?” I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that there’s a human being growing inside of me. A person with his own personality and journey. Maybe that’s just how it is the first time you are pregnant: you spend the whole nine months trying to understand what’s happening to you.

Or maybe I’m just weird.

There are so many women out there who can’t get pregnant and want to, and here I am pregnant, due in two months, and kind of excited about it and really scared. What’s wrong with me? The baby shower is this Saturday, and I hope I can look happy.

I did finally have a mommy moment the other night where I realized that I am about to have a child that I cannot be there for. I will have to work seven days a week, the hubby five days a week, and he will be cared for by his grandmas. It tore me to pieces that I am about to be offered an incredible job opportunity that I have to take instead of be there for this new life that my body is creating who will need me. I am just hoping and praying that my side businesses will pick up and be able to replace the full time job, so I can work part time and be a mommy.

Maybe that’s why I’m not really excited… because I feel I have already failed at being a good mother. How can you even be a mother if you’re never around?

And that brings me back to writing. It’s time to start blogging about my business ventures to drive more traffic to those websites. I need to keep up with this anonymous blog as well, because it’s my personal outlet. This is where I can be honest and keep it real.



Men should never feel bad for needing space

I feel like a child who’s favorite toy in the whole world just broke and rather than fix it, the parents just threw it away. I compare myself to a child, because some of my reactions to him breaking up with me feel somewhat irrational. I really thought I had guarded my heart better. It was only four months. Four months! That’s it! But, I still can’t control how I feel, and I still can’t help but recognize that I had someone who is irreplaceable. He tells me, “you know there are other great guys out there, right?” I do know that. I know there are other great guys. I’ve met many of them. But there’s a difference between “great” and “totally fucking awesome” and that is more rare than finding two identical snowflakes.

I know he meant as great as him or better, so I just wanted to say, “do you know any?” None of his friends compare, and I don’t know any either. There aren’t any in my social circles, or they are married. I don’t even know if I know of any married men (other than my dad) who are as amazing…

A lie cannot live. If he truly cares for me, he will come back around, because he can only lie to himself for so long. I really felt that we were perfect for each other, not just that he was perfect for me. I could be blind, but I just know this. My biggest fear is getting into another relationship and him coming back to ask me if I’m happy and me saying, “yeah, but he’s not you.” I know that won’t happen, because I will refuse to be with anyone unless he meets or exceeds what we had. I don’t see how it is possible to find that again, because he is seriously one in a billion. I would have to be the luckiest person alive to find that twice. It would be like lightning striking twice. It just doesn’t happen.

I wish so badly that he would have given me a chance to prove to him that I can be a solid support system for him. I don’t need him to be around all the time or need him to pay attention to me all the time. Sure, that would be nice, but I don’t absolutely need it. All I need is to know that he is mine, that he wants me, and to see in his eyes that I am the only one for him. I want him to pursue his missions and achieve his goals. I have absolute faith in him to be so ridiculously successful at everything he does. I want to be there when he succeeds and encourage him when he feels he has hit a roadblock.

I never got to show him that I am okay with him being distant when he is focused on other things, because I support everything he does. I am not a needy person, and I have my own things I chase as well. I know that men need their space from time to time. That’s why women have girlfriends. A great woman recognizes when he is pulling away, and takes steps to give him the space he needs so that their relationship can continue to thrive. Space for a man is not a want, it is a need. Men should never feel bad for needing that space. They need space sometimes as much as we need to be social. Again, that’s why we have girlfriends. I never got to show him that I understand this and respect him in this way.

My friends keep saying, “it’s his loss.” Usually I’ll agree and move on. However, it is also my loss this time. I lost big, and I wish I could go back and do a couple of things differently. Maybe I was so excited about him that I didn’t give him enough space sometimes. I just wanted to spend all my time with him, but I didn’t need to. I feel that after four or five months you start to settle down and begin to analyze if this is a relationship you want to continue to pursue. I didn’t have a chance to settle in over that mountain and show him my comfortable, happy, and content side where I give him that space and leave him longing for me. I don’t have a lot of regrets in my life, but I do regret not showing him that side of me. I didn’t always understand exactly how to do that, but I do now and it’s too late.

I didn’t get that chance, because he decided to end things before finding out. He wanted to avoid hurting me in the future, but doing so would entail that I don’t want to give him the space he needs or that I don’t understand how much he needs it. A woman who doesn’t understand a man’s need for space will be hurt when he withdraws to take that space. I do understand this concept! I respect it and am not hurt by it! A man who needs space does not care for you or love you any less! He just needs space!!!!

I woke up not feeling so numb, so this post ended up being quite long. I feel so bipolar lately. One minute I’m fine and the next I’m about to puke my guts out crying. Luckily, my mood is somewhat stable today. There has been a lot of anger in my writing this past week due to lack of understanding the whole situation. I hope he doesn’t feel insulted or disrespected. I was so upset the other day, that I wished he had gotten me pregnant on accident. But, I quickly reminded myself that I don’t really want that. I don’t even know if I want kids sometimes. I do, but not for a while. Me being pregnant would destroy his dream, and I don’t want that at all. I wonder what I would do if I was. I would be tempted to hide it from him as to not destroy this new mission he is after. I really don’t know. Hopefully, I’ll have my period soon so I have one less thing to worry about. I was supposed to start Saturday or Sunday…

For now, I have to figure out how to be his friend. How do you go backwards from lovers to friends? Do you just become lovers with no label? Friends with benefits? Do I just not contact him unless he contacts me first? I digress… I am happy that he wants us to stay in each other’s lives. I miss spending time with him. He really had become my best friend.