…that if he really thought I was that amazing, he would find a way to make this work. If he really wanted keep me around and not throw us away, he would. It can’t all be just about not hurting me. Why would he risk losing me if he really thought we were that good for each other?
I tried to calm myself down today with many techniques. I did a lot of driving. Went to an orientation for a new part-time job. I forced myself to eat some tater tots, which are usually my favorite. I nerded out with some old nerd friends and played Magic at the Gathering. What seemed to help the most, though, was revisiting a dream of mine to be on a major professional dance company. I am on a local company, but I mean one that travels the world. When I was doing my own traveling for auditions a few years ago, I ran out of money before hitting the Chicago dance market. I auditioned all over New York, LA, and even Washington DC. But, I never made it to Chicago. That’s where he wants to go to pursue his dream. Chicago. There are a few dance company auditions in January that I would love to attend, but now I can’t, because it would look like I was chasing him. I wish he wanted us to go pursue our dreams together and support each other while doing it. I always wanted to be with someone who understood the satisfaction of chasing a dream and someone who wasn’t afraid to do it. Being female, it’s pretty scary to do that alone. Men have quite an advantage when it comes to being independent like that and just taking off. You don’t hear of too many strong men getting raped or kidnapped. I know he wants freedom to do this, and he does not want anything holding him back. I just wish he knew that I wouldn’t, especially if I was chasing my own dream. I even have a means to make some money that could possibly support both of us. I’ll be testing my new idea out soon.
The integrity of my blog has been compromised, because he knows about it now. This was supposed to be an anonymous blog, but oh well. I’m going to do my best to keep my writing as honest as possible. This truly is my therapy. I write usually when I cannot calm myself down any other way. I tried to change the name hoping it would also change the URL, but no. That didn’t work. I really don’t want to start a new blog, but I may have to…
I broke the daily ice cream regiment yesterday. Now it’s just no food. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I never lose my appetite. However, something else I find interesting is happening… You know when you hurt yourself, and the pain starts to numb after a while? I think the heart also has some kind of its own endorphins when it hurts too much or for a prolonged period of time. That’s my new theory, at least. I am feeling a little numb tonight. Or, maybe something else is going on. Maybe he’s thinking more about me and part of me senses that there is hope. Or maybe, I know he doesn’t really care to save this relationship at all, and my heart is one step ahead of me in moving on.
Maybe I’m crazy.
I just hope that he and I can remain friends for now. I need to stop worrying and just be happy that he still wants to be a part of my life. I haven’t seen him in a week, and I miss him terribly.