I got my nails done today, which is not something I do often. It’s a small thing that helps me feel beautiful in the midst of feeling rejected. The lady doing my nails was super sweet and randomly asked me if I had a boyfriend.
I just said “no.”
She asked “why?” and said, “you’re so beautiful!”
I said, “Because he broke up with me last night.”
I began to tear up and she felt terrible for asking. She sincerely apologized and then paused and said, “you love him right?”
I guess she could see it in my eyes.
Since English is not her first language, I knew I couldn’t explain the complexity of my feelings, so in a split second I had to decide, “how did I really feel about this man?”
I whispered, “yeah… yeah… I do.” and the tears came streaming down. I let myself feel the love that I was too afraid to always let myself feel and felt my heart break at the same time. I was so good at keeping that in check and keeping my heart guarded, but what’s the use now? He’s gone. The most amazing man in my life is gone.
There’s no sense in fearing it anymore. I don’t know what’s worse: fearing loving someone or loving them too late and never getting to say it. It doesn’t matter, now, because I was never going to say it first anyway. Now I have to let myself fall in and out of love at the same time. Shit.
She rubbed my hands and continued to talk to me like my best friend would. It was so good to have an understanding friend for a few minutes while having my nails done. She could really feel my pain and she had some very good things to say to me. She sure made a customer out of me.
I had a film shoot today for an independent movie. I was almost two hours late because I couldn’t get the swelling in my face to go down enough to put makeup on and look decent. Thank god my character called for wearing my reading glasses. And thank god my character was supposed to be an absolute bitch. That was pretty easy for me today. Ha! I was able to blow off some steam, which helped temporarily until going to the nail salon. I’ve been eating too much ice cream. I made myself sick with Braum’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream on my way to the shoot and then drank a soda when I got there. That’s far from normal for me. I’m a health nut. Emotions for the win.
My heart feels pretty sick right now and I’m being bombarded with gentleman callers. I don’t know whether to move on and stay distracted by going out on a couple of dates, or if I should give myself some time. I don’t want to be with anyone right now. This fucking sucks. I just want that happy healthy relationship! I’m in no rush to get married or have kids. I just want to care for and love someone and be loved and cared for in return! Is that so much to ask for?!
I’m the one everyone thought would be married with the perfect family by now. I’m gonna be well past 30 before I ever see any of that! Every failed relationship is just another colossal embarrassment. I’m sure guys are going to start wondering, “shit, what’s wrong with her? She can get any guy she wants. So, how come no one seems to want her?”
Like I said, my search is over. To my future husband: if you really exist, come find me. When you do, I’m sorry for how hard I’m going to make it for you. You can thank all the men before you who said I was amazing like you do, but who one day suddenly turned on me.
I’m sorry. It’s going to take me a really long time to trust you, whoever you are.
I need to dance. I’m taking my pointe shoes to the gym. There’s no sense in trying to sleep tonight.