My high school sweetheart is a swinger?!

It’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve done some crazy things lately and made some new discoveries.  I love making discoveries about myself.  I told the last guy not to contact me.  He pissed me off by leading me on and giving me false hope, so he is no longer allowed in my life.   I thought I was so close to finding the right person for me, but I was wrong… again.  I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I have failed so many times that it’s not discouraging anymore but actually encouraging.  I gave up at one point when I hit my all-time low.  Relationships used to knock me down.  Now, they lift me up higher than I was before.  I learn something from each failed relationship that helps me in the next one and brings me one step closer to the right one.

I started to wonder if this last guy sabotaged our relationship on purpose.  I wondered if he asked me to come back with the full intention of ruining things so badly that I would actually not want to be with him and move on faster.  If that is the case, it’s pretty f*cking sick, and I really am better off.  I really hope I never hear from him again, but I’m afraid that I might…

I had sex with a guy not too long ago that I’ve known for a couple of years.  It’s not like me to just sleep with someone like that, but I really wanted to a long time ago and never did.  I didn’t want him to be my first even though we had such intense sexual chemistry then.  I thought I’d give this guy another shot.  He would message me every now and then, so I thought I would see if there could be something there.  Well, there was no intellectual chemistry there just like way back when, but he is still incredibly attractive and has a huge d*ck.  He pushed it with me and I just didn’t want to resist, so I didn’t.  It was ok and I’m glad I have no regrets about not pursuing that relationship back in the day.  He is a great guy, but we just don’t click in my opinion.

I also chewed out a guy who I was once crazy about.  He came back into my life after finding out I was single again and the chemistry was still very much alive with him.  I was just drawn to this guy and decided to give him another chance.  HA!  What a joke.  I’m sorry, but I am not going to be some guy’s sexting mistress.  I want real men, real phone conversations, and real commitment.  I fucking HATE players!!!!!!!!  I’m just glad I turned down sex… that was hard to do.

I invested in a few dildos to keep my sex drive occupied while I take a break from sex and birth control.  I’ve never owned one before, so this is kind of a new and exciting personal adventure for me.  I ordered one of them right before the last guy dumped me.  I was hoping we would be able to have some fun with it… oh well.  That’s just one more extra the next guy will get.  Another one I bought to do some web cam modeling, but after doing tons and tons of research on it, I just don’t think I can do it.  I’m too afraid someone will recognize me, and that’s not my idea of a fun way to get famous.

Perhaps the strangest thing that has happened to me recently is finding out that my high school sweetheart is a swinger.  I also discovered that I was not quite over him!  Imagine that!  It has been eight years since we broke up, and I had not completely healed from that! …until recently that is.  He sent me a message on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday.  We started talking because I told him of this strange dream I had about him the night before where he was asking me about relationship advice.  One thing led to another, and we were talking about relationships and our breakup.  I actually cried thinking about the night I broke up with him.  I will never forget it, because I so badly did not want to do it. I loved him so much.  One of the last things I said to him was that I would always love him, and I meant it.  A part of me still does and probably always will.  However, he is not someone that I would ever consider dating ever again.  He doesn’t want kids and can’t commit to just one woman.  I don’t judge him for that, but it’s vastly different than what I want.  I think that having this conversation with him and being able to apologize was that last thing I needed to completely let go of him.  Things still felt awkward between us when I saw him at a reunion last summer, and now I know why.

I am once again excited about the future.  Nutcracker season is about to begin, and there are some promising men lining up to date me, so maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for this time.  We shall see…

Singles awareness day

I hope you all had a wonderful Singles Awareness Day!  Mine pretty much sucked.  That one guy I had a little bit of hope for told me that he met someone else he’s crazy about.  So that’s it… Single for me for a long time…

That guy and my sister didn’t work out either.  He left a day early.  I was sad for her, but relieved that I could sleep again.  I knew he wasn’t her type.

It snowed here the other night.  And what did I do?  I stood outside in it and cried.  We never get snow, so when we do, it’s usually a very exciting thing.  I tried to dance in it to cheer myself up, but I found myself unable to move as a sadness fell over me.  My heart was crying out to him… the man I’m supposed to be with… my ultimate soulmate.  I let myself call out to him and could feel his heart breaking.  I hoped that by speaking into the wind that his heart might sense mine calling to him.  I tried to console him and tell him that I am still waiting for him.  I told him to not give up and to please come find me, because I’m too broken to keep searching.

I don’t know who he is or what he looks like, but a very small part of me still believes he’s out there somewhere and that he will find me. I just hope he does before I really don’t want to be with anyone anymore.  There are a few men in my life that are pursuing me, but I just don’t feel it with them.  I have developed some feelings for my best friend, but I just don’t think he’s the right one for me.  I know it hurts him that I think this way, but he knows I do.  Maybe things will change, but I don’t see us together.  It sure would be an interesting story if we ended up together.  He’s just too young for me.

I’m so thankful to have yoga, ballet, and my family right now.  I would not survive this season of my life without them.  And, thank you all out there for reading my thoughts.  Sending them out there really is comforting for some reason, even if no one comments.

Ballet

I think ballet is the only structure I have in my life right now.  It is the only thing I have that is a positive constant in my life.  That and my puppy.  She’s an adorable and sweet puppy.  She never turns down my kisses and is always happy to see me.  I have decided to pile on extra ballet classes to fill in the time that I would have spent dating.  I’ve been wanting to pour my heart into ballet more and now I have the chance to do it.  I was so happy to have the opportunity to dance today. SO HAPPY!

I had lunch with a good friend of mine today who is going through a divorce.  She’s in her early twenties, and I’m so proud of her for being so strong.  She was married for a year and claims he completely changed the day after they got married.  I don’t know if I can believe that none of her friends or family saw warning signs.  I’m sure I would have seen something had I really gotten to know him.  Anyway, she well through absolute hell in that year of being married.  I wasn’t married, but I felt every bit as much shattered as she does.  I was stronger at her age, too.  I feel that I get weaker each time my heart gets broken, and I have six plus years on her of going through heartbreak.  I don’t know what is worse, my situation or hers.  She is still young, I’m not.  She has time on her side.  I’m running out.

One thing she did say to me, though, when I explained my “not having enough glue” analogy was that instead of gluing the pieces back together, you have to weld them together and start over… make something stronger than was there before… rise from the ashes.  I don’t know if my heart was pulverized to dust, but it was close.  I definitely need to figure out how to use a welder.

Safe

I learned how to step out of my comfort zone recently and date people that I don’t consider “safe.”  What I mean by that is I used to settle for men who I knew would never break my heart.  The past couple of years, I tried to step outside of that fear of being rejected to date men who actually might turn me down.  I finally know what it feels like to fall in love with someone who decides he no longer loves me back.  He believes I can find better anyway, but that’s not the point.  I wanted all of him and no one else.  For the first time, I wasn’t wishing my boyfriend could be something different or better, and I didn’t have my eye open for something else just in case.  I was sold.  He was it for me.  Now I have to find that again and I don’t know if I can.  I’ve been in love a few times, but not like this.  This time, he was perfect for me AND I had strong feelings for him.  Both other times, I had the feelings, but they were all wrong for me.  I’ve also been with a guy who was right for me and I didn’t have the feelings, so I do understand him when he says it doesn’t feel right with me.  It’s just sad.

I cried all day after talking with him.  I felt better than I did before, but incredibly sad that it didn’t work out.  I still love him and know I will for a long time.  Three other male friends of mine have recently expressed interest in me.  They are awesome guys, but I don’t want another relationship right now.  I can’t even imagine moving on at this point.  I went to a ballet class last night, and even that didn’t cheer me up.  You know something is very wrong when even dance can’t take my pain away.  It is definitely going to take me some time to move on and be ready to trust someone else again.  I just hope that he never regrets letting me go, because I’ll have to go through this all over again.  I can’t take him back at this point, because I know he would do this to me again and I don’t trust him anymore.  I wish so badly that we could be together, but we can’t.  He has destroyed us, and I hope he doesn’t decide that he actually wants to be with me and that he made a mistake by letting me go.  I don’t want him to feel that pain, because I won’t take him back.  I have to take care of myself on this one.

Life really sucks sometimes.