Feedback appreciated! :)

Maybe I’m still in love, or maybe I’m just man hungry. I am trying so hard to move on but it feels like I am betraying my own heart. Some days, being single is fun. I run my own life and make my own schedule. I don’t have to justify or explain myself to anyone. I can change my plans whenever I need to. However, I don’t have anyone to love or share life with. It’s pretty lonely sometimes.

I have been wondering lately if it’s low self- esteem, if I’m depressed or desperate, or if I’m just really ready to find him. I’m not entirely sure, but I get so discouraged when I feel I have made successful flirtatious eye-contact with a guy a few times and he doesn’t come talk to me. I am trying so hard to learn how to give off that “I’m available vibe” because I’ve always sucked at it. However, I have also learned that the type of guys I’m usually attracted to are generally very intimidated by me. So, I’ve been wondering, since I’m getting a litte older now, should I start taking more initiative? If I see a guy who I think I would hit it off with but that I think would be too scared to talk to me, should I just walk right up to him and start a conversation? There is this guy that I’ve been kind of crazy about for a long time. He’s Super cute, nerdy, fun, tall, and just very unique. We went out a few times and really hit it off, but he moves so slow that I thought he had lost interest and I started dating someone else. Moving slow is great, but it is possible to go too slow. Well, I have never been able to stop thinking about him, so last night I decided to let him know what I have been thinking and I apologized for not saying something sooner. He said that he felt the same for me but that he was currently dating someone. 😦 THAT SUCKS! Had either one of us been more forward and not so damn scared, we might be in a very awesome relationship right now. I know that I can’t just wait around for him, even though I don’t feel that way about many guys, so I am trying to date around some.

There is this guy I met while walking my dog a few weeks ago. He stopped me to ask about my puppy and we chatted for a few minutes. I really wanted him to like ask me out for coffee sometime, but he didn’t. I saw him once more on my day off when he was on his way to work and it was just simple small talk. He asked about my dog, and I asked about his. I couldn’t hear him very well both times I saw him because both times, my hearing aid battery died, Coincidence? ugh! So frustrating! So, here’s my brilliant idea…

I thought I’d leave a note by the elevator with a picture of my dog and phone number that says, “Dear Pepper, I really enjoyed meeting you the other day and would like to see you again. I think you’re really cute. Here’s my cell. Text me sometime.  -Bruno.” He has a female dog and I have a male dog so I thought that would be a cute idea. But I don’t know if that would be strange. What do you think?


Single once again… so what’s new?

I’m ready to give up on men for good or just marry someone I kinda like. I broke things off with the recent guy because it was the right thing to do. He is an ass, and I’m better off… right?  I won’t ever really marry someone just because.  I’m not that dumb, but sometimes it seems there are no more decent men left who don’t already have kids. 

He was a total jerk. He was impatient with my hearing loss (like I can help it), and claimed I didn’t give him enough time to adjust to it.  Puh-lease.  You don’t have to grunt and throw your hands in the air and say “I’m looking right at you” when I don’t hear you. And, he claimed I never made him feel like he was a part of my life. I f*cking lived with him!  My whole life was him and work! That’s it!!!  Apparently, I didn’t invite him to everything or my plans would change last minute, and he would be excluded (not on purpose).  You know, there are just some things I assume you do as a couple, especially when you live together.  I don’t think I should have to formally invite him to everything but maybe I’m wrong.  If we had not lived together, then yeah. You need to know more of what I expect… I dunno.

I was not perfect, but I seriously took the time to look at myself and “fix” the things he didn’t like.  He was shocked when I said I was moving out because he said he was so happy.  Well, that was news to me because I thought I was incredibly annoying to him!  He would “call me out” for “doing dumb shit all the time” like it was his job to make me feel like an idiot. I started a whole new career and my job is one of the most demanding jobs you can have. It takes a few years to not feel like you’re drowning every day, and he could not understand that! He felt like he “was not a priority.”  You know what? Paying bills so you can live is a priority!!!!! I’m sorry you’re so fucking immature and insecure that you need to feel included by someone else all the time.  I tried so hard to “fix” that and almost lost my job over it, and he doesn’t see it. 

Now, he was supportive and would help me do small tasks foe work and run to the store if I needed something.  He was always there for me physically but cut me down at the same time.  It just made me feel crazy.

The other thing that made me CRAZY was that unwanted male attention was always my fault somehow.  I made this guy my world.  I was NOT and am actually still not interested in anyone else.  There are guys who like to message me online or text me. I can’t control that. All I can do is just not engage in the conversation or just be polite with them and tell them I’m not interested. None of that seems to be good enough.  One guy in particular never goes away no matter what I say or don’t say, and somehow I am leading him on. WTF?!?!

Another time, a 19 year old I worked with messaged me on Facebook asking for a photo in my scrubs because his friends didn’t believe he worked with me. I was a beauty queen title holder of the city we worked in. I though the guy was gay and he is 10 years younger than me so I thought nothing of it.  I said I would snap a photo sometime if I had a chance.  The recent boyfriend happened to see the conversation and FREAKED OUT.  I can understand his initial concerns since he has been cheated on a lot, but he jumped to the worst conclusion and would not listen to the fact that the guy was gay.  Instead,  he went and checked out the dude’s facebook to prove to me that he wasn’t gay and accuse me of flirting with him. WTF?!?!?!?!?! He’s a f*cking kid!  I never cared to check out his facebook. I just assumed he was gay because of how he acted at work. Why the hell would I flirt with a gay dude?!  I thought I was just being nice to a kid I worked with. I happen to feel really sorry for gay guys because of the shit my best friend has gone through in his life for being gay. I’m sure I would have eventually figured it out but whatever. I was NOT flirting with this kid. He’s not even attractive. Apparently I’m “too nice.”  The ex is offended by how nice I am to people, because guys will think I’m flirting with them.  My flirting is pretty damn obvious and being nice is not flirting. It’s just being a nice human being. I’m a nice person and I like to be nice to people. F*cking sue me.

I wish I didn’t love him so much. Sounds kind of odd for me to say that after typing all of this, but I do.

Not Sure

I think I’m doing the right thing but I’m not sure. I am moving out in a week and a half and I’m so sick to my stomach about it. I love him so much and am so torn. I know this is not all my fault, but the situation would be easier if it was, because then I could control it. I could make it better. It’s not all me, though. He has some major insecurities that he lets get in the way. He knows what they are but he doesn’t understand how they affect him and control his life. He seems to look to others and other forces to make the insecurities go away or affect him less, but no one can do that for him. I cannot do that for him. This beauty queen, ballet dancer, lingerie model cannot and will never do that for him. He doesn’t seem to understand that he has to find happiness and peace for himself before he can be happy with anyone. And, there’s a difference between being content alone and being happy with yourself.

We have been talking so much lately and both came to the conclusion that it’s probably best if I move out and we have some distance for a while. It was a very hard and very emotional thing for us to talk about but we did it. He  tells me that he feels like he is losing everything. He doesn’t really have family… I’ve never seen a man so distraught, especially an ex-military hardass like him. He’s not eating. He’s incredibly depressed. His friends are worried about him and saying they’ve never seen him so happy with any other woman. It hurts me that he is in so much pain, but I have to do the right thing for us. I so badly do not want to move away from him, but I cannot continue to be hurt.

Hurt again

He says I haven’t ever completely let him in but I am wondering if that is just him being insecure. I’ve never had a problem letting people in. In fact, I probably let too many people in too quickly. I feel like a crazy person. I can’t see strait or think. I started doing some research on apartments and he found out. He confronted me about it and I lied about it because I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. So, now he is crushed and I understand. It kills my heart to see him this way.

He’s making me feel that our issues are all about me never letting him in and including him in my life. I have made him my life! I don’t get how he doesn’t see that! I moved in with him and see him every day. I am always excited to see him when I get home from work even if he is playing his stupid online video game, which he is constantly playing. He says I have pushed him away but I feel he has pushed me away. All of his unkind comments and his getting frustrated with my hearing loss doesn’t really make me feel loved. On one hand, he can be unkind but on the other, he is so supportive and helpful. He always accuses me of thinking he’s an asshole when I never say anything like that. I always just want to talk things out calmly but it always ends up being my fault in some way. I have tried so hard to see how I don’t let him in but I’m starting to wonder if it is him that cannot accept truly being loved and accepted. Its like he doesn’t want me to be independant. Just because I change plans or forget some details doesn’t mean I shut him out of my life.

He says I think illogically but he doesn’t understand that just because other people see something a different way doesn’t make it wrong or illogical. It’s like math. There are many ways to solve a problem and they are all right. I love him so much and want us to be happy together but I have to take care of me now. I have to realize that I haven’t done all this shit wrong and that most of it is about him and his insecurities. I have never had a problem admitting my wrongs and I have tried to change things about me to make him happy, but it never works. I can’t ever get it right and I feel completely crazy … like I should be in a mental hospital or something. No one should ever make me feel that way. It’s time to grow some lady balls and let him go. I have to stop punishing myself and stop feeling for him to protect my own sanity.

Even if none of what I have written here is right, and I’m all wrong, it is obvious that we just don’t work together. I will make myself miserable trying to make him happy and I can’t do that to myself. And, even if I am truly crazy, I cannot continue to hurt him. If I am really that awful, I need to show love to him by removing myself from his life.

the talk

We had a talk the other night. It was a good but hard talk. We almost split because we couldn’t figure out a good solution. He doesn’t like the idea of talking to a professional on relationships, because he thinks you should be able to handle issues between the two of you. He just doesn’t see the point. He has seen it destroy relationships but I have seen it help. Anyway, it took all night, but I feel we made some good progress. He helped me understand that he sees trust and love as two separate things. I see those as being bundled together. I didn’t realize that he feels as if he has given me his whole heart. He says he’s never done that before. Maybe it is true that if a girl has been hurt so much she won’t be able to see when she gets a great guy and ultimately ends up pushing him away. I know he’s great. I just didn’t realize I had all of him already.

Apparently he needs more than a year to have full trust in someone. He says I have like 99% of his trust but that I have done things that have kept him from trusting me 100%. (He thinks I was flirting with a guy at work that I thought was gay. He also seems to think I purposely bring on male attention.) I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, but maybe he really does just need more time. Some people take five months to get married and some take five years. We both agreed that we dont have time to waste. I don’t know what is going to happen. We are good for now and I hope we continue to grow in love. I’m just scared that I am going to get hurt again.

Not fair

No matter what I do, relationships never work out for me. This one is probably destined to fail just like the others. It has been so up and down and I finally see that his issues with trust are ultimately going to end us. Never again will I try online dating. I plan on being single forever because I’ve just lost hope in men. Now that I’m 30, I’m sure there are no good men left.

I love him so much and he has everything I’ve always wanted in a man. However, there’s that trust issue that will probably end us. I don’t know when, but I don’t have the balls to end it right now. I guess I’m hoping he will come around or that he will talk to someone who can help…

I hate sleep

There are things we love
And things we hate

And things we both love and hate

Sleep has become one of those things for me.

It feels so good to be sleepy and to succumb to the sleep that takes us over each night.

However, I don’t like it anymore and wrestle with this human part of me daily.

Sleep robs time from my love. I never get enough time with him and never will in this finite world of ours. Merely sleeping next to him is just not enough. We lose our senses and concept of reality and thus each other when we sleep. I sleep better with him there next to me, but I want more. I will never get enough of him.