Too Many Passions

I could seriously sit and write 24-7 and still not get all of my thoughts out. It’s frustrating how much goes on in my head that I just don’t have time to get on paper. So, what do I do? I just avoid writing altogether. I really need to stop doing that! As an entrepreneur, I am always coming up with new ideas, and I cannot physically chase them all. The past couple of years have been incredible and also boringly stable. It’s amazing. Instead of writing all the time, I’ve been trying to build businesses to free my husband and I from a life of slaving away for others.

That’s right!

My husband!


After the craziness that was my dating life, he finally found me, chased me, and married me… on St. Patrick’s Day 2016. He is absolutely wonderful. Now, I am pregnant and due this March! A baby boy coming right before our two-year anniversary.

I feel guilty that I haven’t been excited about this. We weren’t trying, and I for some reason thought I would have fertility issues. I wanted to wait until we got into out house first… But, here we are. My belly is huge, our closing date keeps getting pushed back, my body is changing for the worse, and I’m getting the shit kicked out of my insides. It is exciting, but I’m more terrified than I am excited. And, I hate that I may never look good in a bathing suit ever again. I miss my mobility and ballet and not being in pain. I’m concerned that I don’t really have a lot of emotional highs or lows about being pregnant. It’s just happening to me, and I don’t really know what to think. My mom asks if I have developed an emotional attachment to the baby yet, and I’m like, “No, should I?” I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that there’s a human being growing inside of me. A person with his own personality and journey. Maybe that’s just how it is the first time you are pregnant: you spend the whole nine months trying to understand what’s happening to you.

Or maybe I’m just weird.

There are so many women out there who can’t get pregnant and want to, and here I am pregnant, due in two months, and kind of excited about it and really scared. What’s wrong with me? The baby shower is this Saturday, and I hope I can look happy.

I did finally have a mommy moment the other night where I realized that I am about to have a child that I cannot be there for. I will have to work seven days a week, the hubby five days a week, and he will be cared for by his grandmas. It tore me to pieces that I am about to be offered an incredible job opportunity that I have to take instead of be there for this new life that my body is creating who will need me. I am just hoping and praying that my side businesses will pick up and be able to replace the full time job, so I can work part time and be a mommy.

Maybe that’s why I’m not really excited… because I feel I have already failed at being a good mother. How can you even be a mother if you’re never around?

And that brings me back to writing. It’s time to start blogging about my business ventures to drive more traffic to those websites. I need to keep up with this anonymous blog as well, because it’s my personal outlet. This is where I can be honest and keep it real.



Some Clarity

I had a good talk with my dad last night. First of all, let me start by saying how amazingly lucky my mom is to have my dad. My goal is to find a man who possesses the qualities that my dad has. He’s not perfect, as no one is, but he’s pretty darn awesome.

I told him about a talk I had with my boyfriend last weekend. I told my bf that I didn’t fed pursued anymore. Instead of really listening and asking why, he said,”Well other than doing dishes sometimes, what do you contribute to the relationship?”He wanted to talk about his side before even letting me finish. I told him I wanted to hear what he had to say because that’s why I started the conversation. His harsh question threw me way off so I didn’t know how to respond. I just don’t think that way. I do so much for him that he apparently does not see. I also let him know that I needed him to be more affectionate. My dad said that I shouldn’t have to tell him to be more affectionate this early in the relationship. I agree. My dad also thinks his question to me presents some other issues he has which may cause him to resent me eventually. Yikes! my dad also said that it seems like I’m a roommate and not a girlfriend. That’s exactly how it feels.

So, I didn’t hear from him when I was out of town because he was upset that I didn’t do anything for his birthday. It was a big miscommunication that we talked about when I got back, but he should have said something the week before. We could have talked on the phone and cleared it up rather than me being upset and feeling ignored all week!

I’ve been trying to figure out what the main issue is because I don’t want to have a discussion with him where I can’t explain myself. I don’t know exactly why, but I don’t feel special to him. I don’t feel that he is excited about me, but maybe I just don’t see it? Maybe he expresses things differently than I do? I can’t say that he’s not trying but showing more affection on his part doesn’t feel real to me. I’m sure it’s genuine. I dunno. Something is just missing, and I don’t know what it is.

We had a couple of fun goofy nights last week, because I seriously just took a “fuck it” attitude and was not afraid to just be my silly goofy self. We actually came up with an inside joke!

Maybe I’m feeling trapped. Yeah I think that’s part of it. He moved so fast with saying I love you and taking about marriage, and I’m not there yet. I need to talk to him today but I don’t know exactly what to say. My dad thinks we should take a break, and if he doesn’t understand, then I have my answer.

Le Sigh

Alright, so it’s been about 4 months since we met and I’m having serious doubts. I was so excited about him at first because this super hot guy was so excited about me! He said and did everything right until…

He got me. Why is it that guys give up when they think they have won the game? I’ve also obviously learned so much more about him that I didn’t know before and I’m just so unsure about him now. I am at his place all the time and find myself missing my alone time with my dog at my apartment. That’s not good! He talks about money a lot and he loves to gamble. I absolutely hate gambling. He always talks about wanting to save money for his house projects and not wanting to spend money, but he will go chance losing $1000 rather than take me out. We go to movies sometimes or bowling with his friends. I don’t feel that I can (or should have to) ask him to take me out because he is always talking about how he doesn’t want to spend money! He tells me he loves me but I feel like I’ve become so boring. He thanks me when I help him around the house but I wonder if I’m doing too much and he’s starting to just expect it. I really need to talk to him about how I am feeling.

I went out of town for a week and barely heard a word from him. Had I not sent him a few texts, I don’t think I would have heard anything. There were actually two days where I decided not to text him to see what he would do, and I didn’t hear from him at all! He doesn’t seem to be as good at conversation as he used to be but I wonder if my hearing is a reason. I wonder if my hearing is why our humor doesn’t seem compatible. And, he’s not very affectionate! He never passionately kisses me just because. He tells me he loves me but I don’t feel it. I don’t laugh as much as I thought I would and we don’t really talk about anything deep. We do work around his house, cook, and watch TV. We don’t seem to just naturally have fun together.

I am a state beauty pageant title holder so I have a lot of events I attend regularly. He is usually working and cannot attend, but he doesn’t seem to want to fight traffic when he can go. there was one time when it really didn’t make sense for him to go, but I dunno. My life just seems so unimportant right now and I’m sure a lot of this is just me. I’m going through a lot of changes right now since my hearing got worse.

I want to be with someone who is always so excited to see me. Someone who thinks I’m so adorable with my hair in rollers and in my glasses with no makeup. Someone who not only appreciates me but cherishes me, Someone who will look into my eyes on occasion and tell me how much I mean to them and kiss me like they mean it. Someone who won’t ever let me stop dancing.

Maybe I’m just too picky and I’ll never be happy.

Taken Again

It’s just one viscous cycle isn’t it?  Single, taken, single, taken, single, and hopefully taken until death do us part.  Getting over the last one did a number on me, and honestly, I’m not still completely over it, but last time I felt that way, it took eight years to completely heal, and I don’t have that kind of time anymore.  I was so bloody miserable for about seven months that I just had to start dating again to convince myself that there was hope for me.  I didn’t think I would meet anyone, really I didn’t.  So, I tried online dating again. hahaha silly me, I know!  Anyway, now that I’ve had a few go-rounds with the online dating world, I felt I could handle it like a pro this time.  I had one major issue, but I bounced back from it pretty awesomely.  Is that a word?  It could have sucked me in like it would have with many weaklings, but I realized after two dates that he was a total douche and told him in my sophisticated passive aggressive way to fuck off and why.  He pleaded with me like they all do, and I just reminded myself that I’m a grown woman now.  I don’t need that kind of shit in my life.  GO ME!

Then, I met HIM… the guy who really could be the one.  He really is the hottest and most stable guy I have ever dated.  He is a few years older than me, which I definitely need.  I always end up with immature guys my age or a little younger.  He has a stable well-paying career with awesome benefits and owns his own home.  I couldn’t believe that this guy was wanting to meet ME!  I have always settled, so I am not used to going after the kinds of guys that I really should.  This guy is definitely the type I should be aspiring to be with.

I never get nervous for first dates, but I was nervous for this one.  The first thing he said when I sat down at the table where we decided to have lunch is, “Sorry, I just can’t stop staring.”  He couldn’t stop staring at ME!  We hit it off right away and had plenty to talk about, which doesn’t always happen on a first date/meeting.  It was crazy to see a guy like this so in to me.  I kept thinking “why haven’t I attracted anyone like him before?”  And I realized I wasn’t ready for a real man.  I had been chasing boys and seeing what they could be rather than what they really were.  I was stuck at thinking like an 18 year old girl.

He didn’t kiss me on the first date, didn’t try anything on the second, third, or even fourth dates.  He kept saying to me, “I really don’t want to mess things up.”  That is not something I hear very often.  A couple of weeks later, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and not too long after that, he told me he loved me.  That was pretty quick, but it didn’t seem forced or anything.  I felt guilty for falling for him when I still had feelings for my ex, but I was in such a bad place that I knew I had to save myself and be a little selfish in order to heal.  He is so good at reminding me how he feels about me and making sure I know every now and then where he sees things going.  I am really not used to that, but I love it.  It has only been a month and three weeks since I met him, but I do think I see future potential!

I have recently lost my hearing, and therefore cannot work in my present position anymore, so he suggested that I break my lease and move in with him so that I can go back to freelancing.  I’m not sure if I am ready for that but I’m not sure that I’m not either!  Does that make sense?  He wants to learn sign language with my family really seems to care a lot about me.  I still feel that I have a wall up and I am being cautious.  I have 60 days before I will be moving out of my apartment, so I still have time to decide whether to move in with him or go back to my parents’.

I feel that my heart is finally starting to shift towards him.  I know it will take time for me to feel so strongly about someone again, but it is a little confusing when I feel that I miss my ex.  I feel like a horrible person, because I’m sure he would feel terrible if he ever knew how I felt.  I am determined to ride this out, though.  I need to allow my heart to move into a new place when it’s ready.  I am also determined to never lose my identity in someone, which is very hard for me to do.  I don’t know if this is normal, but I feel that I don’t always know what I want or what I like.  I wish I could be like those people who have a strong opinion about everything and can stand on why they think the way they do.  I’m like that about a few things, but the rest, I just kind of flow with the wind.  So, staying true to myself is hard sometimes, because I am so easily able to adapt to anything and anyone.  I am too easygoing sometimes that I will give on what I really want and not care, but then I’m not sure if I really didn’t care anyway.  I am also a truth seeker.  I just want the truth even if I am wrong and have to change.  But, I start to wonder if anyone has the truth about anything…

When I do stand on what I want or believe in, it’s a great feeling.  Being indecisive is so frustrating at times.  That’s one reason that I will probably never get a tattoo… I can never decide on something that will be on my body forever.  I think that is reasonable, though.  And, I think it’s good to not be impulsive.

Anyway, yes, I am taken again, and ready to see where this goes.  I am out of town for the weekend, and wondering if it is normal to not miss him yet.  We spend so much time together that it is probably good for me to get away.  Time apart makes the heart grow more fond, right?  I miss my dog more than I miss him right now, but I’ve had my baby boy for much longer!  And, it took me a good five months to become THAT attached to my puppy that all I do is think about him constantly and hope he’s okay!  Is it horrible of me to compare my boyfriend to my dog?  I’m really just trying to make a point about my heart and how long it takes to become attached.  I think that’s a good comparison.  So, if at the five month mark, I’m not really feeling strongly for this guy, then it’s probably not right.  We shall see.

To be continued…

the talk

We had a talk the other night. It was a good but hard talk. We almost split because we couldn’t figure out a good solution. He doesn’t like the idea of talking to a professional on relationships, because he thinks you should be able to handle issues between the two of you. He just doesn’t see the point. He has seen it destroy relationships but I have seen it help. Anyway, it took all night, but I feel we made some good progress. He helped me understand that he sees trust and love as two separate things. I see those as being bundled together. I didn’t realize that he feels as if he has given me his whole heart. He says he’s never done that before. Maybe it is true that if a girl has been hurt so much she won’t be able to see when she gets a great guy and ultimately ends up pushing him away. I know he’s great. I just didn’t realize I had all of him already.

Apparently he needs more than a year to have full trust in someone. He says I have like 99% of his trust but that I have done things that have kept him from trusting me 100%. (He thinks I was flirting with a guy at work that I thought was gay. He also seems to think I purposely bring on male attention.) I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, but maybe he really does just need more time. Some people take five months to get married and some take five years. We both agreed that we dont have time to waste. I don’t know what is going to happen. We are good for now and I hope we continue to grow in love. I’m just scared that I am going to get hurt again.

Not fair

No matter what I do, relationships never work out for me. This one is probably destined to fail just like the others. It has been so up and down and I finally see that his issues with trust are ultimately going to end us. Never again will I try online dating. I plan on being single forever because I’ve just lost hope in men. Now that I’m 30, I’m sure there are no good men left.

I love him so much and he has everything I’ve always wanted in a man. However, there’s that trust issue that will probably end us. I don’t know when, but I don’t have the balls to end it right now. I guess I’m hoping he will come around or that he will talk to someone who can help…

I hate sleep

There are things we love
And things we hate

And things we both love and hate

Sleep has become one of those things for me.

It feels so good to be sleepy and to succumb to the sleep that takes us over each night.

However, I don’t like it anymore and wrestle with this human part of me daily.

Sleep robs time from my love. I never get enough time with him and never will in this finite world of ours. Merely sleeping next to him is just not enough. We lose our senses and concept of reality and thus each other when we sleep. I sleep better with him there next to me, but I want more. I will never get enough of him.