Determined to love you forever…

There is a sort of sadness that ensues in the midst of the pure joy you feel when you finally unite with your twin soul. You realize the gravity of that saying “all good things come to an end.”  When you have everything… when you have that fire… you realize that just like the fire that runs its course, so too do the lives of you and your twin flame.

That is the most depressing thought of all.

Finally, Karma was good to me. She finally allowed for us to find one another and experience more love than most people could ever dream of. And one day, she will take that away.  I like to think that a love such as this will never be extinguished; that it will continue to burn beyond death and for all eternity.  However, I don’t know if that’s real or an idea people have to believe in order to keep on living as mortals.

I try so damn hard to live in the present and to just enjoy this indescribable precious thing that I have, but I am constantly reminded that one day, I may not have that anymore. The force which brought us together will decide when we have had our fill and retract. I guess it wasn’t ours to begin with, but why give something so undeniably the greatest thing in the universe and then take it away? How does that even make any sense?

It seems as though the universe finds joy in the greatest of tragedies, or maybe it is only through these tragedies that love like this can exist at all.  Maybe death is what fuels the flame of life and of love.  If that is the case, I have to thank the destruction which allowed me to revel in this intense love for as long as I am privileged to partake of it.

I don’t know how that makes much sense either, but I dread the day that I will pass from this world and leave this love behind. I hope and pray that I can take it along with me or that I will be endowed with another life to find him again.

60 more years with you just doesn’t seam like enough time.  Fuck, a million wouldn’t suffice either.  I need you forever.

My sun

I was destroyed
And then you gave me new life
You re-ignited my flame
That so many others left an ember
I waited so long for you to find me
And your dreams finally materialized
You saw me years ago, and despite your turmoil
Never gave up…
You searched
and were deceived
You perished
and wandered towards the light
You conquered
and were reborn
You embarked on a journey
To find that dream from years ago
To search again
To claim your happiness
And now we are united and our stars have aligned
You are my sun
I am your moon
Soul mates for all of eternity past and future
A love I never thought existed right before my eyes

Well, life is funny…

I didn’t write much last year, because I sort of gave up.  I lost my passion for life and didn’t care anymore that I wasn’t ever going to meet a great guy.  I barely survived my first year of teaching, which destroyed what I thought was a relationship that was going somewhere, so I was pretty miserable at the start of my summer last year.  I somehow managed to win a state pageant, so I am a state beauty pageant titleholder!  That was the highlight of my year.  Well, that and one other thing that I will get to later…

Let me tell you what happens when you are a state beauty pageant titleholder and you give up on finding a great guy… CRAZY SHIT!!!!

I’ll explain. It started with not being able to get over my ex. I found myself in another relationship that I used to get over that one.  I’ve never done that before, and I knew better, but after seven months of being terribly depressed, I figured I needed to start dating again.  BAD IDEA.  They guy was a really good guy, just definitely not a match for me.  He told me he loved me after a week of officially being boyfriend/girlfriend, and my feelings plateaued after that.  I was very excited about him at first, but that died faster than any guy I’ve ever dated.  I ended up having to get on unemployment, because I couldn’t go back to teaching for health reasons, so my summer was consumed with catching up on sleep I never got for nine months of teaching and utter laziness.  I was so lost and unhealthy. I didn’t know what to do.

Then, I went with my mom to her 30 year high school reunion all the way across the country, and randomly met a super sweet guy.  We just clicked, and he was the perfect example of the nice nerdy guys I used to go for.  He was SUPER cute!  BUT, he was all the way on the other side of the country and I had a boyfriend that I wasn’t excited about.  Just my luck: meet a great guy that I can’t date because he’s too far away.

So, I break up with that boyfriend after three months and decide to date a guy I never considered since I met him four years ago.  He had been trying for four years, and I had given up, so I figured, why not?  He’s hot, and I don’t care what kind of person he is at this point. BAD IDEA. Not only was I right on about this guy being a total player, he has SEVERE narcissictic personality disorder.  I started to feel very strung along after about a month, so I called it quits and he FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!  He started contacting my friends and family on Facebook to try to make me look like a crazy person and started posting horrible things about me on his own Facebook wall.  Geez…  I knew he was nuts, but I had NO IDEA.

Then, I meet this chef guy at a charity event.  I had zero interest at first, but we exchanged cards and a couple weeks later he starts pursuing me hardcore.  He said a lot of very fabulous things, which I bought even though I knew better, and we started dating a little.  I should have seen red flags all over him when he would call me like 10 times a day, but I didn’t care to notice the flags because I just didn’t fucking care anymore.  Well, he invites himself over one night to cook me this gourmet dinner, which I thought was pretty cool.  He then got me drunk, which I’ve only been like twice in my life, and took advantage of me.  I can’t claim rape, because it wasn’t, and I’m a fair and honest person, but he definitely took advantage of the situation like scumbags do.  Anyway, I never make such stupid decisions, but like I said, I just didn’t care anymore.  So, I decided to stick with it and see how it panned out, since I made a stupid decision already… He asked me to be his date to the biggest charity ball that exists out here.  Thousands and thousands of people go to this thing.  I was there volunteering for a couple of hours and he had some networking to do.  Well, it’s time for us to meet up, and it takes me quite a while to find him.  The group I was with and I end up chasing him around this huge place for about an hour until I was so pissed I couldn’t take it anymore.  He treated me like absolute shit and abandoned me!!!! He also hung out with another girl all night and never even got one photo with me, HIS DATE!  He was so rude and so ungentlemanlike, I was shocked.  Who seriously asks Miss _______ to be his date and then abandons her at an event!!!!  Forget the title, who does that to any girl???

So, here I am wondering what the hell his problem is after giving him a chance when he really had none to begin with.  I gave him the benefit of a doubt when he told me about his business and owning restaurants all over the world.  I didn’t realize that there are people who tell such EXTRAVIGANT LIES because they really have nothing and still live with their parents at 35 years old. Geez… What a crazy bastard.  So much shit came out about him after that evening.  I haven’t spoken to him since other than texting.  I told him he lost me as a romantic partner and friend.  He seriously tried to apologize via text!  And, only after I called him out on it and backed him into a corner! Fecking asshole!  Apparently, this is what he does to women.  He always goes after what he can’t have, or he goes for women with incredibly low self-esteem, uses them, and then screws them over big time.  He doesn’t own any restaurants other than a catering company, which isn’t doing well because he’s such a terrible person. The only review he has for his company is a review he posted himself talking about how wonderful he is. BAHAHAHAHA! #classic

Then… are you ready for this? …

I met the most amazing man on the planet.

Seriously, he’s the one. I can feel it.

I gave up, and then he appeared.  Isn’t that how it always happens to people?  They say when you know, you just know. And that’s how I always knew I was with the wrong person. I never just knew, ya know? haha… I digress.  This man is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and kind of reminds me of the guy I met all the way across the country last summer.  Very attractive, but not in a man-whore way, but in a very sweet and cute way.  He has ignited a fire in me that other men have slowly been extinguishing over the years, and I feel like I am flying.  My passions have returned.  I’m writing again, dancing again, working on my spirituality again, learning meditation, and just being happy again.

I also landed my dream job.  It’s a pay cut, but I am so much happier and less stressed.  I am finally excited about life again, and I hope you all find your happiness and passion for life this year!

Taken Again

It’s just one viscous cycle isn’t it?  Single, taken, single, taken, single, and hopefully taken until death do us part.  Getting over the last one did a number on me, and honestly, I’m not still completely over it, but last time I felt that way, it took eight years to completely heal, and I don’t have that kind of time anymore.  I was so bloody miserable for about seven months that I just had to start dating again to convince myself that there was hope for me.  I didn’t think I would meet anyone, really I didn’t.  So, I tried online dating again. hahaha silly me, I know!  Anyway, now that I’ve had a few go-rounds with the online dating world, I felt I could handle it like a pro this time.  I had one major issue, but I bounced back from it pretty awesomely.  Is that a word?  It could have sucked me in like it would have with many weaklings, but I realized after two dates that he was a total douche and told him in my sophisticated passive aggressive way to fuck off and why.  He pleaded with me like they all do, and I just reminded myself that I’m a grown woman now.  I don’t need that kind of shit in my life.  GO ME!

Then, I met HIM… the guy who really could be the one.  He really is the hottest and most stable guy I have ever dated.  He is a few years older than me, which I definitely need.  I always end up with immature guys my age or a little younger.  He has a stable well-paying career with awesome benefits and owns his own home.  I couldn’t believe that this guy was wanting to meet ME!  I have always settled, so I am not used to going after the kinds of guys that I really should.  This guy is definitely the type I should be aspiring to be with.

I never get nervous for first dates, but I was nervous for this one.  The first thing he said when I sat down at the table where we decided to have lunch is, “Sorry, I just can’t stop staring.”  He couldn’t stop staring at ME!  We hit it off right away and had plenty to talk about, which doesn’t always happen on a first date/meeting.  It was crazy to see a guy like this so in to me.  I kept thinking “why haven’t I attracted anyone like him before?”  And I realized I wasn’t ready for a real man.  I had been chasing boys and seeing what they could be rather than what they really were.  I was stuck at thinking like an 18 year old girl.

He didn’t kiss me on the first date, didn’t try anything on the second, third, or even fourth dates.  He kept saying to me, “I really don’t want to mess things up.”  That is not something I hear very often.  A couple of weeks later, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and not too long after that, he told me he loved me.  That was pretty quick, but it didn’t seem forced or anything.  I felt guilty for falling for him when I still had feelings for my ex, but I was in such a bad place that I knew I had to save myself and be a little selfish in order to heal.  He is so good at reminding me how he feels about me and making sure I know every now and then where he sees things going.  I am really not used to that, but I love it.  It has only been a month and three weeks since I met him, but I do think I see future potential!

I have recently lost my hearing, and therefore cannot work in my present position anymore, so he suggested that I break my lease and move in with him so that I can go back to freelancing.  I’m not sure if I am ready for that but I’m not sure that I’m not either!  Does that make sense?  He wants to learn sign language with my family really seems to care a lot about me.  I still feel that I have a wall up and I am being cautious.  I have 60 days before I will be moving out of my apartment, so I still have time to decide whether to move in with him or go back to my parents’.

I feel that my heart is finally starting to shift towards him.  I know it will take time for me to feel so strongly about someone again, but it is a little confusing when I feel that I miss my ex.  I feel like a horrible person, because I’m sure he would feel terrible if he ever knew how I felt.  I am determined to ride this out, though.  I need to allow my heart to move into a new place when it’s ready.  I am also determined to never lose my identity in someone, which is very hard for me to do.  I don’t know if this is normal, but I feel that I don’t always know what I want or what I like.  I wish I could be like those people who have a strong opinion about everything and can stand on why they think the way they do.  I’m like that about a few things, but the rest, I just kind of flow with the wind.  So, staying true to myself is hard sometimes, because I am so easily able to adapt to anything and anyone.  I am too easygoing sometimes that I will give on what I really want and not care, but then I’m not sure if I really didn’t care anyway.  I am also a truth seeker.  I just want the truth even if I am wrong and have to change.  But, I start to wonder if anyone has the truth about anything…

When I do stand on what I want or believe in, it’s a great feeling.  Being indecisive is so frustrating at times.  That’s one reason that I will probably never get a tattoo… I can never decide on something that will be on my body forever.  I think that is reasonable, though.  And, I think it’s good to not be impulsive.

Anyway, yes, I am taken again, and ready to see where this goes.  I am out of town for the weekend, and wondering if it is normal to not miss him yet.  We spend so much time together that it is probably good for me to get away.  Time apart makes the heart grow more fond, right?  I miss my dog more than I miss him right now, but I’ve had my baby boy for much longer!  And, it took me a good five months to become THAT attached to my puppy that all I do is think about him constantly and hope he’s okay!  Is it horrible of me to compare my boyfriend to my dog?  I’m really just trying to make a point about my heart and how long it takes to become attached.  I think that’s a good comparison.  So, if at the five month mark, I’m not really feeling strongly for this guy, then it’s probably not right.  We shall see.

To be continued…

Feedback appreciated! :)

Maybe I’m still in love, or maybe I’m just man hungry. I am trying so hard to move on but it feels like I am betraying my own heart. Some days, being single is fun. I run my own life and make my own schedule. I don’t have to justify or explain myself to anyone. I can change my plans whenever I need to. However, I don’t have anyone to love or share life with. It’s pretty lonely sometimes.

I have been wondering lately if it’s low self- esteem, if I’m depressed or desperate, or if I’m just really ready to find him. I’m not entirely sure, but I get so discouraged when I feel I have made successful flirtatious eye-contact with a guy a few times and he doesn’t come talk to me. I am trying so hard to learn how to give off that “I’m available vibe” because I’ve always sucked at it. However, I have also learned that the type of guys I’m usually attracted to are generally very intimidated by me. So, I’ve been wondering, since I’m getting a litte older now, should I start taking more initiative? If I see a guy who I think I would hit it off with but that I think would be too scared to talk to me, should I just walk right up to him and start a conversation? There is this guy that I’ve been kind of crazy about for a long time. He’s Super cute, nerdy, fun, tall, and just very unique. We went out a few times and really hit it off, but he moves so slow that I thought he had lost interest and I started dating someone else. Moving slow is great, but it is possible to go too slow. Well, I have never been able to stop thinking about him, so last night I decided to let him know what I have been thinking and I apologized for not saying something sooner. He said that he felt the same for me but that he was currently dating someone. 😦 THAT SUCKS! Had either one of us been more forward and not so damn scared, we might be in a very awesome relationship right now. I know that I can’t just wait around for him, even though I don’t feel that way about many guys, so I am trying to date around some.

There is this guy I met while walking my dog a few weeks ago. He stopped me to ask about my puppy and we chatted for a few minutes. I really wanted him to like ask me out for coffee sometime, but he didn’t. I saw him once more on my day off when he was on his way to work and it was just simple small talk. He asked about my dog, and I asked about his. I couldn’t hear him very well both times I saw him because both times, my hearing aid battery died, Coincidence? ugh! So frustrating! So, here’s my brilliant idea…

I thought I’d leave a note by the elevator with a picture of my dog and phone number that says, “Dear Pepper, I really enjoyed meeting you the other day and would like to see you again. I think you’re really cute. Here’s my cell. Text me sometime.  -Bruno.” He has a female dog and I have a male dog so I thought that would be a cute idea. But I don’t know if that would be strange. What do you think?

Single once again… so what’s new?

I’m ready to give up on men for good or just marry someone I kinda like. I broke things off with the recent guy because it was the right thing to do. He is an ass, and I’m better off… right?  I won’t ever really marry someone just because.  I’m not that dumb, but sometimes it seems there are no more decent men left who don’t already have kids. 

He was a total jerk. He was impatient with my hearing loss (like I can help it), and claimed I didn’t give him enough time to adjust to it.  Puh-lease.  You don’t have to grunt and throw your hands in the air and say “I’m looking right at you” when I don’t hear you. And, he claimed I never made him feel like he was a part of my life. I f*cking lived with him!  My whole life was him and work! That’s it!!!  Apparently, I didn’t invite him to everything or my plans would change last minute, and he would be excluded (not on purpose).  You know, there are just some things I assume you do as a couple, especially when you live together.  I don’t think I should have to formally invite him to everything but maybe I’m wrong.  If we had not lived together, then yeah. You need to know more of what I expect… I dunno.

I was not perfect, but I seriously took the time to look at myself and “fix” the things he didn’t like.  He was shocked when I said I was moving out because he said he was so happy.  Well, that was news to me because I thought I was incredibly annoying to him!  He would “call me out” for “doing dumb shit all the time” like it was his job to make me feel like an idiot. I started a whole new career and my job is one of the most demanding jobs you can have. It takes a few years to not feel like you’re drowning every day, and he could not understand that! He felt like he “was not a priority.”  You know what? Paying bills so you can live is a priority!!!!! I’m sorry you’re so fucking immature and insecure that you need to feel included by someone else all the time.  I tried so hard to “fix” that and almost lost my job over it, and he doesn’t see it. 

Now, he was supportive and would help me do small tasks foe work and run to the store if I needed something.  He was always there for me physically but cut me down at the same time.  It just made me feel crazy.

The other thing that made me CRAZY was that unwanted male attention was always my fault somehow.  I made this guy my world.  I was NOT and am actually still not interested in anyone else.  There are guys who like to message me online or text me. I can’t control that. All I can do is just not engage in the conversation or just be polite with them and tell them I’m not interested. None of that seems to be good enough.  One guy in particular never goes away no matter what I say or don’t say, and somehow I am leading him on. WTF?!?!

Another time, a 19 year old I worked with messaged me on Facebook asking for a photo in my scrubs because his friends didn’t believe he worked with me. I was a beauty queen title holder of the city we worked in. I though the guy was gay and he is 10 years younger than me so I thought nothing of it.  I said I would snap a photo sometime if I had a chance.  The recent boyfriend happened to see the conversation and FREAKED OUT.  I can understand his initial concerns since he has been cheated on a lot, but he jumped to the worst conclusion and would not listen to the fact that the guy was gay.  Instead,  he went and checked out the dude’s facebook to prove to me that he wasn’t gay and accuse me of flirting with him. WTF?!?!?!?!?! He’s a f*cking kid!  I never cared to check out his facebook. I just assumed he was gay because of how he acted at work. Why the hell would I flirt with a gay dude?!  I thought I was just being nice to a kid I worked with. I happen to feel really sorry for gay guys because of the shit my best friend has gone through in his life for being gay. I’m sure I would have eventually figured it out but whatever. I was NOT flirting with this kid. He’s not even attractive. Apparently I’m “too nice.”  The ex is offended by how nice I am to people, because guys will think I’m flirting with them.  My flirting is pretty damn obvious and being nice is not flirting. It’s just being a nice human being. I’m a nice person and I like to be nice to people. F*cking sue me.

I wish I didn’t love him so much. Sounds kind of odd for me to say that after typing all of this, but I do.

Not Sure

I think I’m doing the right thing but I’m not sure. I am moving out in a week and a half and I’m so sick to my stomach about it. I love him so much and am so torn. I know this is not all my fault, but the situation would be easier if it was, because then I could control it. I could make it better. It’s not all me, though. He has some major insecurities that he lets get in the way. He knows what they are but he doesn’t understand how they affect him and control his life. He seems to look to others and other forces to make the insecurities go away or affect him less, but no one can do that for him. I cannot do that for him. This beauty queen, ballet dancer, lingerie model cannot and will never do that for him. He doesn’t seem to understand that he has to find happiness and peace for himself before he can be happy with anyone. And, there’s a difference between being content alone and being happy with yourself.

We have been talking so much lately and both came to the conclusion that it’s probably best if I move out and we have some distance for a while. It was a very hard and very emotional thing for us to talk about but we did it. He  tells me that he feels like he is losing everything. He doesn’t really have family… I’ve never seen a man so distraught, especially an ex-military hardass like him. He’s not eating. He’s incredibly depressed. His friends are worried about him and saying they’ve never seen him so happy with any other woman. It hurts me that he is in so much pain, but I have to do the right thing for us. I so badly do not want to move away from him, but I cannot continue to be hurt.

Hurt again

He says I haven’t ever completely let him in but I am wondering if that is just him being insecure. I’ve never had a problem letting people in. In fact, I probably let too many people in too quickly. I feel like a crazy person. I can’t see strait or think. I started doing some research on apartments and he found out. He confronted me about it and I lied about it because I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. So, now he is crushed and I understand. It kills my heart to see him this way.

He’s making me feel that our issues are all about me never letting him in and including him in my life. I have made him my life! I don’t get how he doesn’t see that! I moved in with him and see him every day. I am always excited to see him when I get home from work even if he is playing his stupid online video game, which he is constantly playing. He says I have pushed him away but I feel he has pushed me away. All of his unkind comments and his getting frustrated with my hearing loss doesn’t really make me feel loved. On one hand, he can be unkind but on the other, he is so supportive and helpful. He always accuses me of thinking he’s an asshole when I never say anything like that. I always just want to talk things out calmly but it always ends up being my fault in some way. I have tried so hard to see how I don’t let him in but I’m starting to wonder if it is him that cannot accept truly being loved and accepted. Its like he doesn’t want me to be independant. Just because I change plans or forget some details doesn’t mean I shut him out of my life.

He says I think illogically but he doesn’t understand that just because other people see something a different way doesn’t make it wrong or illogical. It’s like math. There are many ways to solve a problem and they are all right. I love him so much and want us to be happy together but I have to take care of me now. I have to realize that I haven’t done all this shit wrong and that most of it is about him and his insecurities. I have never had a problem admitting my wrongs and I have tried to change things about me to make him happy, but it never works. I can’t ever get it right and I feel completely crazy … like I should be in a mental hospital or something. No one should ever make me feel that way. It’s time to grow some lady balls and let him go. I have to stop punishing myself and stop feeling for him to protect my own sanity.

Even if none of what I have written here is right, and I’m all wrong, it is obvious that we just don’t work together. I will make myself miserable trying to make him happy and I can’t do that to myself. And, even if I am truly crazy, I cannot continue to hurt him. If I am really that awful, I need to show love to him by removing myself from his life.

I love being in love

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.

And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You’re my survival, you’re my living proof.
My love is alive and not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I’ll be captivated,
I’ll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I’ve dropped out, I’ve burned up, I’ve fought my way back from the dead.
I’ve tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your…
I’ll be your crying shoulder,
I’ll be love’s suicide
I’ll be better when I’m older,
I’ll be the greatest fan of your life.

The greatest fan of your life.
…greatest fan of your life.

 – “I’ll Be” by Edwin McCain

Fear

I received a message not too long ago from the recent ex.  He has obviously been following me on Facebook.  Here’s what it said: “It really warms my heart to see how happy you are, and if we have a barrier where I can’t tell you something like that, then you should probably unfriend me because friends can say that kind of thing. That’s it. Oh, and Happy Holidays.”

Really?  I’m sorry, but I just can’t go from lovers to friends like that when the former lover hurt me like he did.  To choose something like comedy over me out of fear of hurting me is letting fear win.  He let his fear win.  In his mind, it was either hurt me now or hurt me later, so he chose now.  I didn’t respond.  I just deleted him.  I’m still bitter about it, because I don’t understand it.  I would choose to face the fear and work through it.  That’s what I do every day.

You see, I have this horrible fear of dying.  It stems from being a religious fanatic growing up and believing that when I died, I would go to heaven.  So, I had nothing to fear.  Death was just a way to pass from this life into eternal life where everything would be better than this life.  Believing that way was a wonderful way to live.  I lived in a fantasy world where God would always forgive me, and I didn’t have to fear anything because God was on my side.  A few years ago, I woke up and saw all of the deceit and manipulation that exists in religion.  I hate lies and am a truth seeker, so I began to seek truth wherever I could find it.

It all started when I began to ask this question, “Other people on the other side of the world think they have the right answers.  They think I’m wrong.  I think I have the right answers and think that they are wrong.  Well, someone has to be right, and someone has to be wrong.  What if that person is me?  What if I am wrong?”  Once I began to look at my belief system and see how flawed it really was, it crushed me.  I was very depressed for a long time, because I could not figure out what the right answers were.  I finally realized that there are none.  We all have a piece of this large puzzle.  No one has it all right.

I do have some peace now, but I still have this incredible fear of death.  I think about it every day.  I look at people and feel sorry for them, because one day, they won’t be here anymore.  Fading into nothingness terrifies me, and if I let it, the fear will cripple me.

That’s what fear does. It cripples people.  It holds them back from being who they really could be and keeps them from living life to the fullest.  It prevents happiness in all aspects…

If you allow it to.

I fight this fear every day.  I face it, and I push myself through it even though it terrifies me.  He chose to let fear win.  I choose to let fear make me stronger.  It drives me to be a better person for myself and others.  I really do feel that I am finally on the right path to change the world.  I’ve always felt like I had a high calling in life, so we shall see.

Here’s to fear.  Fight!