What is?

What may seem it was
really is
What may seem it is
really was
What was then
is really now
What is now is not but yet to come

What are these tricks we play?
How many do we have to count to bring forth this life?

What really IS?
What is not?

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Fear

I received a message not too long ago from the recent ex.  He has obviously been following me on Facebook.  Here’s what it said: “It really warms my heart to see how happy you are, and if we have a barrier where I can’t tell you something like that, then you should probably unfriend me because friends can say that kind of thing. That’s it. Oh, and Happy Holidays.”

Really?  I’m sorry, but I just can’t go from lovers to friends like that when the former lover hurt me like he did.  To choose something like comedy over me out of fear of hurting me is letting fear win.  He let his fear win.  In his mind, it was either hurt me now or hurt me later, so he chose now.  I didn’t respond.  I just deleted him.  I’m still bitter about it, because I don’t understand it.  I would choose to face the fear and work through it.  That’s what I do every day.

You see, I have this horrible fear of dying.  It stems from being a religious fanatic growing up and believing that when I died, I would go to heaven.  So, I had nothing to fear.  Death was just a way to pass from this life into eternal life where everything would be better than this life.  Believing that way was a wonderful way to live.  I lived in a fantasy world where God would always forgive me, and I didn’t have to fear anything because God was on my side.  A few years ago, I woke up and saw all of the deceit and manipulation that exists in religion.  I hate lies and am a truth seeker, so I began to seek truth wherever I could find it.

It all started when I began to ask this question, “Other people on the other side of the world think they have the right answers.  They think I’m wrong.  I think I have the right answers and think that they are wrong.  Well, someone has to be right, and someone has to be wrong.  What if that person is me?  What if I am wrong?”  Once I began to look at my belief system and see how flawed it really was, it crushed me.  I was very depressed for a long time, because I could not figure out what the right answers were.  I finally realized that there are none.  We all have a piece of this large puzzle.  No one has it all right.

I do have some peace now, but I still have this incredible fear of death.  I think about it every day.  I look at people and feel sorry for them, because one day, they won’t be here anymore.  Fading into nothingness terrifies me, and if I let it, the fear will cripple me.

That’s what fear does. It cripples people.  It holds them back from being who they really could be and keeps them from living life to the fullest.  It prevents happiness in all aspects…

If you allow it to.

I fight this fear every day.  I face it, and I push myself through it even though it terrifies me.  He chose to let fear win.  I choose to let fear make me stronger.  It drives me to be a better person for myself and others.  I really do feel that I am finally on the right path to change the world.  I’ve always felt like I had a high calling in life, so we shall see.

Here’s to fear.  Fight!

Perplexed…

I don’t know what it is about men that makes them think you can fall for them in just a couple of dates.  How can you have strong feelings for someone you don’t even know?  Yes, there can be a strong attraction there, but feelings?  These emotional feelings are what lead us to falling in love, and real love does not happen quickly.  I have decided to try online dating again, and I am already ready to throw in the towel.  I want to move to L.A. or New York and pursue the career I should have pursued years ago.  Men have wasted the last twelve years of my life, and I don’t want any more of my time wasted.

Now, bear with me… I am sick right now and probably going to sound a little bipolar…

I have met a few men lately that seem to be quite awesome.  I am excited about them and so far one of them has been incredibly patient as we take our time getting to know each other.  (The other two I just met.)  He has not rushed me at all.  Others, however, have wanted to be exclusive after just one or three dates, and I just can’t do that.  So, they find other girls to get excited about that will fall into that trap with them… That’s why online relationships always fail.  People jump in too quickly.  I have been guilty in the past, which is how I know this.  I think online dating gives people a false sense of knowing someone before meeting them.  You can’t possibly know a person after reading their profile and going on a few dates.

I learned another important thing about myself:  where my boundaries are.  I learned that I cannot have a purely sexual relationship with someone, because I so desire that emotional connection.  Feeling used sucks and using someone else makes me feel worse… It is possible to use and feel used even if it is mutual, which is really strange.  Maybe I’m weird or just not so desensitized.  I don’t know.

I’m glad I have explored my sexuality, because I now know how to be patient and let a friendship grow into a good relationship before sex becomes a part of it.  I also know that I am more likely to let a man take advantage of me if I don’t know him well.  I have to know a man well before letting myself go sexually with him.  If there is no trust built, I can’t speak up for myself when something happens that I’m not okay with.  I don’t know exactly why that is, but I learned that the hard way recently.  I slept with a great guy and allowed things to happen that I couldn’t say no to.  It’s not his fault.  I told him that I liked certain things, but I did not have the experience to know the varying degrees of what those things could be.  My sexual history is apparently very mild, and I guess I have never been with someone as experienced as this guy was.  Maybe it did scare me.  It left me very perplexed for some reason.  Instead of talking to him about it, I retreated to try and figure out why it left me so speechless.  I am usually a great communicator, but without trust, communication becomes very difficult for me.  Maybe that makes me immature.  I don’t think so.

Maybe I have finally become a confusing female.  Shit, even I am confused.  This sexual encounter left me insanely puzzled!  We kind of talked about it online last night, and he was not so happy about me disappearing and not talking to him about it.  I do understand. I just didn’t know what to say.  I still don’t know.  I do know that I was enjoying the friendship and I did tell him that I could not sleep with him anymore.  I told him of my discovery that I cannot do that without commitment.  He assumed I was accusing him of emotionless sex, which I wasn’t.  I don’t have a clue what he was feeling, but I don’t have feelings for him.  I do like him, but I have not had the time to develop those feelings.

My time has also been consumed with work, rehearsals, other dates, and tending to my mother’s mental illness.  I wanted to see this guy again, but he is convinced that he totally scared me off.  I see his point, but he does not see mine at all.  He was also offended that I apparently “grouped him with other guys.”  He wanted to end the conversation when I said I liked him but didn’t have feelings for him, and then he was offended when I said that I don’t understand why guys expect me to have feelings for them so quickly.  Someone please point out to me where I should not have said what I did.  It is possible to like someone and not have feelings for them.  Many guys lately have wanted more from me than I could give in such a short period of time, and he seemed offended when I said I didn’t have feelings yet.  I wish he would have just called me instead of trying to communicate with me online.  That’s also most guys these days.  They prefer texting to talking.  Maybe I should have called him, but I like guys who take initiative.  I was hoping we would actually have a lunch date soon.  Oh well…

Men should never feel bad for needing space

I feel like a child who’s favorite toy in the whole world just broke and rather than fix it, the parents just threw it away. I compare myself to a child, because some of my reactions to him breaking up with me feel somewhat irrational. I really thought I had guarded my heart better. It was only four months. Four months! That’s it! But, I still can’t control how I feel, and I still can’t help but recognize that I had someone who is irreplaceable. He tells me, “you know there are other great guys out there, right?” I do know that. I know there are other great guys. I’ve met many of them. But there’s a difference between “great” and “totally fucking awesome” and that is more rare than finding two identical snowflakes.

I know he meant as great as him or better, so I just wanted to say, “do you know any?” None of his friends compare, and I don’t know any either. There aren’t any in my social circles, or they are married. I don’t even know if I know of any married men (other than my dad) who are as amazing…

A lie cannot live. If he truly cares for me, he will come back around, because he can only lie to himself for so long. I really felt that we were perfect for each other, not just that he was perfect for me. I could be blind, but I just know this. My biggest fear is getting into another relationship and him coming back to ask me if I’m happy and me saying, “yeah, but he’s not you.” I know that won’t happen, because I will refuse to be with anyone unless he meets or exceeds what we had. I don’t see how it is possible to find that again, because he is seriously one in a billion. I would have to be the luckiest person alive to find that twice. It would be like lightning striking twice. It just doesn’t happen.

I wish so badly that he would have given me a chance to prove to him that I can be a solid support system for him. I don’t need him to be around all the time or need him to pay attention to me all the time. Sure, that would be nice, but I don’t absolutely need it. All I need is to know that he is mine, that he wants me, and to see in his eyes that I am the only one for him. I want him to pursue his missions and achieve his goals. I have absolute faith in him to be so ridiculously successful at everything he does. I want to be there when he succeeds and encourage him when he feels he has hit a roadblock.

I never got to show him that I am okay with him being distant when he is focused on other things, because I support everything he does. I am not a needy person, and I have my own things I chase as well. I know that men need their space from time to time. That’s why women have girlfriends. A great woman recognizes when he is pulling away, and takes steps to give him the space he needs so that their relationship can continue to thrive. Space for a man is not a want, it is a need. Men should never feel bad for needing that space. They need space sometimes as much as we need to be social. Again, that’s why we have girlfriends. I never got to show him that I understand this and respect him in this way.

My friends keep saying, “it’s his loss.” Usually I’ll agree and move on. However, it is also my loss this time. I lost big, and I wish I could go back and do a couple of things differently. Maybe I was so excited about him that I didn’t give him enough space sometimes. I just wanted to spend all my time with him, but I didn’t need to. I feel that after four or five months you start to settle down and begin to analyze if this is a relationship you want to continue to pursue. I didn’t have a chance to settle in over that mountain and show him my comfortable, happy, and content side where I give him that space and leave him longing for me. I don’t have a lot of regrets in my life, but I do regret not showing him that side of me. I didn’t always understand exactly how to do that, but I do now and it’s too late.

I didn’t get that chance, because he decided to end things before finding out. He wanted to avoid hurting me in the future, but doing so would entail that I don’t want to give him the space he needs or that I don’t understand how much he needs it. A woman who doesn’t understand a man’s need for space will be hurt when he withdraws to take that space. I do understand this concept! I respect it and am not hurt by it! A man who needs space does not care for you or love you any less! He just needs space!!!!

I woke up not feeling so numb, so this post ended up being quite long. I feel so bipolar lately. One minute I’m fine and the next I’m about to puke my guts out crying. Luckily, my mood is somewhat stable today. There has been a lot of anger in my writing this past week due to lack of understanding the whole situation. I hope he doesn’t feel insulted or disrespected. I was so upset the other day, that I wished he had gotten me pregnant on accident. But, I quickly reminded myself that I don’t really want that. I don’t even know if I want kids sometimes. I do, but not for a while. Me being pregnant would destroy his dream, and I don’t want that at all. I wonder what I would do if I was. I would be tempted to hide it from him as to not destroy this new mission he is after. I really don’t know. Hopefully, I’ll have my period soon so I have one less thing to worry about. I was supposed to start Saturday or Sunday…

For now, I have to figure out how to be his friend. How do you go backwards from lovers to friends? Do you just become lovers with no label? Friends with benefits? Do I just not contact him unless he contacts me first? I digress… I am happy that he wants us to stay in each other’s lives. I miss spending time with him. He really had become my best friend.

Patience

It feels good to love again, but it also hurts. It is devastating to know that I may only have 60 years with him. It’s just not enough time…

I am lying in bed next to the most wonderful man in the world right now and I can’t sleep. It’s mainly because I have too many things going on in my life at the moment, but that’s not all I’m thinking about right now. (By the way, we aren’t living together… Not till there’s a ring on my finger!)

I wanted to hear him say “I love you” so badly tonight. I know he does and I felt it so strongly tonight. I wonder how long I can stand to sleep with him without him looking into my eyes and saying it. I’m sure I will really need to hear it from him soon. It is so wonderful to be with someone who actually shows you how they feel about you. But, there will come a point when logically I need to hear it, right? I’m not too worried about it right now, but I fear it becoming a problem. I know he has some fears from being married before. I just hope that doesn’t become the wedge between us. He’s been hurt before. I understand. I’ve been hurt, too, but I can’t imagine being hurt by the person who was your first, your only, and the one you promised the world to.

I guess I should continue to be patient. I’ve done a good job so far.

Sex

I think the rest of my heart died yesterday. I have given up and have stopped searching. I realized that I really cannot go through this again. I physically cannot take being hurt again. I didn’t think I could handle it before being hurt the last time. He really doesn’t understand how he shattered me. I used to think it was good that I have not found anyone yet. I thought I would find someone after all of my friends rushed their relationships and that my relationship would be the one that lasted. Everyone always tells me that I’m too great of a girl to stay single and that it would be such a waste if I stayed single. Well, I’m done with relationships and closed off to new ones. There was hope for one, but I’m not too sure that we have great compatibility. The chemistry is great, but I don’t know how he feels about me. I’ve blown him off for someone else twice, and he says he likes what we have right now, but I don’t hear from him much, so I don’t know. I have dreams about him, so I know I’m excited about him, but I’m not letting my heart go there. I’m terrified, because I know he could really hurt me.

My best friend and I decided to start sleeping together. He and i have been talking about it for a while now. I You don’t want to fuck me right now unless I missed something asked my therapist before making this decision what she thinks of friends with benefits, and she has no problem with it. This friend of mine is a great guy, but he’s not someone I would want to pursue romantically. He’s four years younger than me and I just don’t feel a romantic connection with him. I actually encouraged him to ask for a waitress’ phone number who always flirts with him when we go to this one restaurant. He has had feelings for me in the past, but I think they are gone now.

So, we made this decision two days ago, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t really have an opinion. I don’t feel any more connected to him. It was fun, but I miss sharing that with someone I love. I had a few reservations about it, like not wanting to add to my number of partners and being afraid of being judged by others if anyone found out. I also don’t like putting chemicals into my body (birth control)… I wonder if this is what catapulted me into feeling that I was completely dead yesterday. I come from a background where sex before marriage is always wrong no matter what. I waited until my late 20s to have sex, and I was in love, so I have no regrets.

I don’t feel emotionally damaged from sex, which is something I used to worry about. In fact I feel a lot more mature and educated about it. I also feel that it has helped me work through the sexual abuse I went through as a child and I can better relate to people. I’m actually turned off by men who are 30 and say they are still virgins. Yeah, I met one of those several months ago. It was just strange for some reason! I also feel like more of an adult, because I have stuff in my life that I don’t care to share with my family. Since I still live at home, feeling independent and like an adult is important to me. My mother still tries to rule my life, so I take control by not telling her every detail. I cannot wait to move out this fall!

Maybe I’ll sign up for one of those television dating shows just for fun. Those are such a joke and I might have the opportunity to travel the world and make some friends for free! I’ll probably end up being the one who quits the show when I realize the guy is a total douche bag. For now, my focus is getting that teaching job and moving out on my own!

Dignity…

…the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect.

“Our dignity is the one self-concept we humans dread losing and will try to maintain at all costs.”

This is an awesome quote that really stood out to me in my pedagogy class tonight. This is exactly why the relationship with my mom is so strained. I feel that she takes my dignity away all the time.  I had the guts to tell her how I feel about her a couple of weeks ago.  I usually just sit there while she lectures me and tells me how I do everything wrong, how I push everyone away, how I’m self-destructive, and how the whole family agrees with her about me.  I finally told her that she never tells me that she is proud of me.  You know what she said to me?  “Well, you haven’t done much to be proud of lately.”  Wow.  So all of my accomplishments in dance, community service, being the first of my family to get a college degree, my current pageant title, and finally deciding to be a teacher are nothing to be proud of… apparently not.

It’s a good thing I have been learning how to separate myself from her the past few years.  I have been learning how to validate myself without her support, which is hard to do while living with her.  I stay away from home a lot and stay very busy.  Maybe that’s why I decided so late in life to try doing a pageant.  Maybe I subconsciously needed the validation that I could do and be something greater than myself.  I have made so many good friends who build me up and keep me thinking positively about myself.  That, to me, is a very good thing.

I was talking to my sister today and telling her how it feels to be looked so down upon by my family.  It’s like they see me as this little child who is incapable of making any good choices and I have to be guided along with someone holding my hand every step of the way.  They do not trust me to make decisions that are best for me.  They try to run my life and then get angry when I don’t do things their way.  I feel so alienated and misunderstood by my family, and they don’t care.  If I ever tell my mom how I feel, I end up being the selfish one who has pushed everyone away.  What about taking me seriously for once?  Aren’t my feelings valid at some point?  I can’t be that crazy!  Maybe my mom has painted this picture of me to my family that is not true.  Maybe her perception of me is really just that: hers!

I said to my sister, “it really sucks not being trusted by your own family,” and she just told me that I don’t make good decisions.  I said, “well that’s your opinion.”  I dated one really bad person for a year, and that ended about a year ago.  So, because I got so stuck in that relationship, they think I’m self-destructive.  My sister really thinks that if they had not been so vocal about my horrible choices in that relationship, that I would have destroyed my life by staying with him. What she doesn’t realize is that I completely tuned them out after a while and made the choice to get out of the relationship myself.  I MADE THAT DECISION!  THEY DID NOT BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR ME!  I’m the one that had to make those decisions, because I’m the one that had to live with them.  I had to say goodbye to someone I loved dearly, not them!

That period of my life was absolute hell, because everyone in my life was against me.  I had absolutely NO support.  I was madly in love with the wrong person, and instead of my family helping me through it, I was pinned against the wall for it.  I was lectured and told that I was stupid.  I’m sure it is scary to see someone you care about in a bad relationship, but I needed support, not added stress.  I needed for my parents to trust me to make the right decision for me.  What I needed was for someone to say, “I understand you and what you are going through and that you will make the right choice in the end.”  I was dating the wrong person AND my family was angry with me.  I knew I wouldn’t stay with him, but I didn’t know how to get out.  I was very suicidal and felt completely alone.  I did have one friend who was very understanding, and she is probably the sole reason I did not end my life.  Well that, and I knew my family would be devastated.  I didn’t want to prove them right about me being so incredibly selfish.  My friend helped me see light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s just what I needed.

I may have made some very different decisions after that relationship than I would have before it, but I came out of that relationship a completely different person than I was before it.  I had sex for the first time, started to see my mom as not being right all the time, embarked on a very difficult spiritual journey, began to see sex in a more mature and healthy light, and I discovered my own sense of morality that was my own, not one that someone told me to have.  I slept with someone I was not in a relationship with and learned from that how I didn’t want to do that again.  I slept with someone who I was in a relationship with but wasn’t in love with, and I learned that I didn’t want that either.  Then I learned what making love is, and that’s what I want, but I need to spend more time cultivating a relationship before going there.  I need to make sure that he is going to be around for the long haul and not give up because he’s scared of commitment.  It takes time to really get to know someone and truly love them.  I knew all of this, but I really learned it.

I completely understand the concept of how your actions affect everyone around you, especially your family.  I know that if I got pregnant, it would not be a good thing right now.  BUT, they also have to trust me to be smart about that.  They did raise me very well.  I’m not stupid, and waiting until you’re 27 to have sex is quite remarkable.  How about being proud of that?!  Oh, but it’s okay for the little sister to do it, just not me, because I’m retarded.  I try to tell myself that they are just harder on me because they expect greater things of me.  It gets harder and harder to believe that, especially when you are told you are stupid…  I have tried so hard not to be a burden on my parents.  That’s probably one reason why I haven’t moved out yet, because I’m so afraid to fail and have to move back home or ask them to bail me out.  I never ask them for anything. NEVER.

I am very happy that I waited until my late 20s to have sex, because I feel that I am emotionally mature enough to handle it.  I waited until I was in love, so I cannot regret that.  It is not the emotionally scarring thing that I was told it would be if you do it with the wrong person.  I truly do not have regrets about those experiences because I really learned from them.  I think regret comes from not understanding the lesson you are supposed to learn and not being able to forgive yourself for making a mistake.  Mistakes are opportunities to grow.  They are not red marks on your research paper.  I actually did feel regret for a while about sleeping with my last boyfriend, because I was so in love with him.  I think that’s because I was mad at myself for knowing better than to move so fast.  I did know better, but what I learned from that was what the voice of my gut sounds like.  I learned so well that my gut feelings are spot on and that I should NEVER ignore them.  I knew it was too fast when he told me he loved me.  I knew he didn’t know me well enough to say it, but I ignored that feeling and went with it, because I wanted him to be the last person I would ever have to date, and I wanted him to feel validated in being so open with me.  I have ignored those gut feelings a lot in my life in order to make others happy, including my mom.

My mom has been a terrific mom.  She has taught me so many things and shared so much of her wisdom with me.  She really is one of the strongest people I know considering how terrible her life was up until about 15 years ago.  However, she has not allowed me to learn from experience, which is how I learn best.  She hates that I learn best from experience.  It’s so ironic that she is the one who taught me how you can’t raise each of your children exactly the same way, because their personalities demand different parenting methods.  I was always so angry growing up that my youngest sister was treated so differently and got away with so much, but I understand why now.  What my mom needs to see is that she doesn’t really believe that.  If she did, she might not be so hard on me.

I feel that I have learned so much from my mom’s wisdom, and I stayed out of so much trouble compared to my peers in school because of that. However, there is only so much you can learn by just listening to someone’s advice and warnings.  You know, learning from experience may be the hardest way to learn life lessons, but that’s who I am, and that’s okay.