Some Clarity

I had a good talk with my dad last night. First of all, let me start by saying how amazingly lucky my mom is to have my dad. My goal is to find a man who possesses the qualities that my dad has. He’s not perfect, as no one is, but he’s pretty darn awesome.

I told him about a talk I had with my boyfriend last weekend. I told my bf that I didn’t fed pursued anymore. Instead of really listening and asking why, he said,”Well other than doing dishes sometimes, what do you contribute to the relationship?”He wanted to talk about his side before even letting me finish. I told him I wanted to hear what he had to say because that’s why I started the conversation. His harsh question threw me way off so I didn’t know how to respond. I just don’t think that way. I do so much for him that he apparently does not see. I also let him know that I needed him to be more affectionate. My dad said that I shouldn’t have to tell him to be more affectionate this early in the relationship. I agree. My dad also thinks his question to me presents some other issues he has which may cause him to resent me eventually. Yikes! my dad also said that it seems like I’m a roommate and not a girlfriend. That’s exactly how it feels.

So, I didn’t hear from him when I was out of town because he was upset that I didn’t do anything for his birthday. It was a big miscommunication that we talked about when I got back, but he should have said something the week before. We could have talked on the phone and cleared it up rather than me being upset and feeling ignored all week!

I’ve been trying to figure out what the main issue is because I don’t want to have a discussion with him where I can’t explain myself. I don’t know exactly why, but I don’t feel special to him. I don’t feel that he is excited about me, but maybe I just don’t see it? Maybe he expresses things differently than I do? I can’t say that he’s not trying but showing more affection on his part doesn’t feel real to me. I’m sure it’s genuine. I dunno. Something is just missing, and I don’t know what it is.

We had a couple of fun goofy nights last week, because I seriously just took a “fuck it” attitude and was not afraid to just be my silly goofy self. We actually came up with an inside joke!

Maybe I’m feeling trapped. Yeah I think that’s part of it. He moved so fast with saying I love you and taking about marriage, and I’m not there yet. I need to talk to him today but I don’t know exactly what to say. My dad thinks we should take a break, and if he doesn’t understand, then I have my answer.

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