Taken Again

It’s just one viscous cycle isn’t it?  Single, taken, single, taken, single, and hopefully taken until death do us part.  Getting over the last one did a number on me, and honestly, I’m not still completely over it, but last time I felt that way, it took eight years to completely heal, and I don’t have that kind of time anymore.  I was so bloody miserable for about seven months that I just had to start dating again to convince myself that there was hope for me.  I didn’t think I would meet anyone, really I didn’t.  So, I tried online dating again. hahaha silly me, I know!  Anyway, now that I’ve had a few go-rounds with the online dating world, I felt I could handle it like a pro this time.  I had one major issue, but I bounced back from it pretty awesomely.  Is that a word?  It could have sucked me in like it would have with many weaklings, but I realized after two dates that he was a total douche and told him in my sophisticated passive aggressive way to fuck off and why.  He pleaded with me like they all do, and I just reminded myself that I’m a grown woman now.  I don’t need that kind of shit in my life.  GO ME!

Then, I met HIM… the guy who really could be the one.  He really is the hottest and most stable guy I have ever dated.  He is a few years older than me, which I definitely need.  I always end up with immature guys my age or a little younger.  He has a stable well-paying career with awesome benefits and owns his own home.  I couldn’t believe that this guy was wanting to meet ME!  I have always settled, so I am not used to going after the kinds of guys that I really should.  This guy is definitely the type I should be aspiring to be with.

I never get nervous for first dates, but I was nervous for this one.  The first thing he said when I sat down at the table where we decided to have lunch is, “Sorry, I just can’t stop staring.”  He couldn’t stop staring at ME!  We hit it off right away and had plenty to talk about, which doesn’t always happen on a first date/meeting.  It was crazy to see a guy like this so in to me.  I kept thinking “why haven’t I attracted anyone like him before?”  And I realized I wasn’t ready for a real man.  I had been chasing boys and seeing what they could be rather than what they really were.  I was stuck at thinking like an 18 year old girl.

He didn’t kiss me on the first date, didn’t try anything on the second, third, or even fourth dates.  He kept saying to me, “I really don’t want to mess things up.”  That is not something I hear very often.  A couple of weeks later, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and not too long after that, he told me he loved me.  That was pretty quick, but it didn’t seem forced or anything.  I felt guilty for falling for him when I still had feelings for my ex, but I was in such a bad place that I knew I had to save myself and be a little selfish in order to heal.  He is so good at reminding me how he feels about me and making sure I know every now and then where he sees things going.  I am really not used to that, but I love it.  It has only been a month and three weeks since I met him, but I do think I see future potential!

I have recently lost my hearing, and therefore cannot work in my present position anymore, so he suggested that I break my lease and move in with him so that I can go back to freelancing.  I’m not sure if I am ready for that but I’m not sure that I’m not either!  Does that make sense?  He wants to learn sign language with my family really seems to care a lot about me.  I still feel that I have a wall up and I am being cautious.  I have 60 days before I will be moving out of my apartment, so I still have time to decide whether to move in with him or go back to my parents’.

I feel that my heart is finally starting to shift towards him.  I know it will take time for me to feel so strongly about someone again, but it is a little confusing when I feel that I miss my ex.  I feel like a horrible person, because I’m sure he would feel terrible if he ever knew how I felt.  I am determined to ride this out, though.  I need to allow my heart to move into a new place when it’s ready.  I am also determined to never lose my identity in someone, which is very hard for me to do.  I don’t know if this is normal, but I feel that I don’t always know what I want or what I like.  I wish I could be like those people who have a strong opinion about everything and can stand on why they think the way they do.  I’m like that about a few things, but the rest, I just kind of flow with the wind.  So, staying true to myself is hard sometimes, because I am so easily able to adapt to anything and anyone.  I am too easygoing sometimes that I will give on what I really want and not care, but then I’m not sure if I really didn’t care anyway.  I am also a truth seeker.  I just want the truth even if I am wrong and have to change.  But, I start to wonder if anyone has the truth about anything…

When I do stand on what I want or believe in, it’s a great feeling.  Being indecisive is so frustrating at times.  That’s one reason that I will probably never get a tattoo… I can never decide on something that will be on my body forever.  I think that is reasonable, though.  And, I think it’s good to not be impulsive.

Anyway, yes, I am taken again, and ready to see where this goes.  I am out of town for the weekend, and wondering if it is normal to not miss him yet.  We spend so much time together that it is probably good for me to get away.  Time apart makes the heart grow more fond, right?  I miss my dog more than I miss him right now, but I’ve had my baby boy for much longer!  And, it took me a good five months to become THAT attached to my puppy that all I do is think about him constantly and hope he’s okay!  Is it horrible of me to compare my boyfriend to my dog?  I’m really just trying to make a point about my heart and how long it takes to become attached.  I think that’s a good comparison.  So, if at the five month mark, I’m not really feeling strongly for this guy, then it’s probably not right.  We shall see.

To be continued…

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