Hurt again

He says I haven’t ever completely let him in but I am wondering if that is just him being insecure. I’ve never had a problem letting people in. In fact, I probably let too many people in too quickly. I feel like a crazy person. I can’t see strait or think. I started doing some research on apartments and he found out. He confronted me about it and I lied about it because I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. So, now he is crushed and I understand. It kills my heart to see him this way.

He’s making me feel that our issues are all about me never letting him in and including him in my life. I have made him my life! I don’t get how he doesn’t see that! I moved in with him and see him every day. I am always excited to see him when I get home from work even if he is playing his stupid online video game, which he is constantly playing. He says I have pushed him away but I feel he has pushed me away. All of his unkind comments and his getting frustrated with my hearing loss doesn’t really make me feel loved. On one hand, he can be unkind but on the other, he is so supportive and helpful. He always accuses me of thinking he’s an asshole when I never say anything like that. I always just want to talk things out calmly but it always ends up being my fault in some way. I have tried so hard to see how I don’t let him in but I’m starting to wonder if it is him that cannot accept truly being loved and accepted. Its like he doesn’t want me to be independant. Just because I change plans or forget some details doesn’t mean I shut him out of my life.

He says I think illogically but he doesn’t understand that just because other people see something a different way doesn’t make it wrong or illogical. It’s like math. There are many ways to solve a problem and they are all right. I love him so much and want us to be happy together but I have to take care of me now. I have to realize that I haven’t done all this shit wrong and that most of it is about him and his insecurities. I have never had a problem admitting my wrongs and I have tried to change things about me to make him happy, but it never works. I can’t ever get it right and I feel completely crazy … like I should be in a mental hospital or something. No one should ever make me feel that way. It’s time to grow some lady balls and let him go. I have to stop punishing myself and stop feeling for him to protect my own sanity.

Even if none of what I have written here is right, and I’m all wrong, it is obvious that we just don’t work together. I will make myself miserable trying to make him happy and I can’t do that to myself. And, even if I am truly crazy, I cannot continue to hurt him. If I am really that awful, I need to show love to him by removing myself from his life.


2 thoughts on “Hurt again

  1. I think sometimes the hardest thing to do is end a relationship that isn’t right for us. Believe me I have had my share. And even after you end it, it is still hard going forward. I keep wondering “what if” and then have to accept that it just didn’t work out. Move on. I did a webcast yesterday and the presenter talked about the stages of change. It sounds like you have resolved your ambivalence in the contemplation stage and now are in the preparation stage (what are my options and plan to get out). A lot of people stay in the contemplation stage for more than a year so give yourself some credit for seeing it sooner. U are not crazy. It was just a crazy relationship. Take care of yourself.

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