Love is not really what I thought it would be. Maybe everyone realizes this at some point, but I always wanted it to be different for me. I still tell myself that it will be different; that I will not be in one of those relationships where all they do is find ways to make each other miserable or make fun of each other to their friends. I don’t understand how or when love turns sour for people. Anyway, love has not turned sour for me, but it’s not what I thought it would be either. I have more happy days than not, but I don’t feel that I have landed my happily ever after like every girl dreams. I know why fairy tales were invented. Their purpose is for adults to lie to themselves about the realities they live in and to mask those realities from their children. They think that by lying to their children it will pave a better path for them. Giving people false hope not only fucks with their heads eventually, but it also makes them even more devastated when they do learn of the truth.
I never did completely buy into the fairy tales, but I hoped I could make one for myself. Maybe I still can. I wonder sometimes if life would be better serving myself and only myself. Making myself happy is hard enough, so how is making someone else happy going to be any easier? It seems to be quite difficult sometimes. It’s like telling a frog and a flamingo to live their lives happily together. They don’t even speak the same language.
I wish sometimes that a marriage could have been arranged for me. That way we would be starting together on the same foot and we would make love happen not just wait for it. Some people believe that love is a choice. Others believe it chooses you. I wonder if love is like a flower versus a seed. One of them is very pretty when you find it and stays very pretty for a while before it quickly dries up and dies. The other, with care and nurturing, grows to be something very beautiful with deep solid roots. It can reproduce and bloom over and over again.
One time, love slapped me in the face. I had no choice in the matter, and he ended up being a very evil person. He was my friend of nine years, and one day, I saw him differently. My heart was pierced for him one day and it never healed. Tearing myself away from that was one of the hardest but smartest things I ever did. If you can choose to love someone, why not choose someone whom you think is worthy to spend the rest of your days with?
Well, what can I say… I want the best of both worlds. I want to fall in love and it be with someone who is absolutely magnificent. In a way, I believe I have done just that. He is amazing in so many ways, but life is hard. Bills are hard to pay, but I love him. I know he will be the provider soon. That is who he is. I understand why women seduce rich men. It makes life easier. But, I am not dishonest like those women and my heart cannot lie. I am also a fighter, and I want to fight for us. I want to fight for all of the love that others have lost because people lost their faith. I want to find all of that lost love and keep it safe. I never want to lose love again. I don’t believe my heart could take it.
Maybe that’s why it hurts me so much when he is not happy. He doesn’t understand how it pains me to upset him or see him unhappy, whether it was because of me or not. We oftentimes have these misunderstandings or disagreements, and they cut me so deeply. It’s not what he says that cuts me, though. He is not harsh towards me. It is just that in those moments happiness leaves temporarily, and that is what sucks life out of me. I don’t even know why.
Most people understand that disagreements happen. There are highs and lows in relationships. I do know this. However, it still kills me when the lows come. A low means that I have failed again. I tell myself that I can not fail. It’s actually more of a commandment to myself. I have no idea where this comes from; why I am so hard on myself. It would be easier if he owned me and commanded me rather than having to be my own person and stand for myself. I know how crazy that sounds.
I love him so much but fear that I cannot be perfect enough for him. I just want happiness. I want flowers that never die and fairy tales that never end.