I sometimes wonder where I’m going in life. I wonder who I am and what my purpose is here. I used to think I was unique… that I was some kind of gift to this world. I now feel that I am just like everybody else… just one of a few billion. I am slowly losing my zest for life. The stresses of being an adult are getting to me. I’m a student, a waitress, a daughter, a girlfriend, an activist for charities, and trying to keep up with my fitness for dance. It’s just too much.
I thought I was a unique individual. Now, here I am trying to prove myself to man. I used to be that unique girl that men wanted and that wanted no matter what my shortcomings were. Maybe I still am and just don’t see it. I feel that my loss of uniqueness means that I am viewed as more of a failure than I used to be, or that I have more to prove than I used to. I understand that everyone has to prove themselves trustworthy, and that takes time. I guess I just can’t explain how I feel at the moment. Words are failing me. Oh the irony.
I feel that I fail him a lot and I’m not sure if it’s because I take things the wrong way or if I really am failing and disappointing him. I have come to love him very much and I know he loves and cares for me. He shows me more than he says it. He seems to have everything I want in someone plus that special something that makes me always have those emotional highs. I don’t know if there is something wrong with me, or if we are just on different wavelengths and misunderstand each other all the time. We talk much more than any other relationship I’ve been in, and we don’t fight, so we are communicating well, but maybe just not effectively?
I don’t know.
I want to be loved, protected, trusted, coveted… I want to be the only woman a man desires and the only one that can fulfill those desires satisfactorily. Something has happened to me, and I don’t know what that is. I used to be that woman and I no longer am. I need to figure out where that uniqueness went and what exactly it was. I thought I knew myself better now. He says he has been trying to figure me out. How can he if I can’t even figure me out? I know what I want from someone. I just don’t know what I want from myself anymore… I guess in the midst of this whole “running from religion” process, I actually lost me.