We are back on! Holy cow!!!!!
You just never know what life will throw your way sometimes. I definitely did not see this one coming. After asking me several times, I finally agreed to meet with him. He had sent me a text Monday morning saying he would leave me alone and stop torturing me and that I could call him if I ever wanted to. I just said “thank you.” I wasn’t sure what else to say, but I was somewhat relieved that he was going to stop pestering me about seeing me. I had woken up that day finally feeling a little happier. Getting all those thoughts out there on my last blog post really helped me and I felt that Monday was day one for me with moving on. I wondered if he had read my last blog post. I then sent him another message asking if he had read it and I told him that I just could not see him. My heart just could not take it and I needed to move on.
He said he had not read it and asked if I could call him. I told him I was at work, and he just replied with, “I’m on my way.” So, I freaked out a little, finished my last hour at work and walked out to my car. I told him I was off work and he called me to ask if we could meet somewhere. I wanted to say no, but I wanted to see him. I didn’t know what I should do, so I decided to meet up with him. I didn’t break down when I saw him. Any other day, I would have, but something was different. He wanted to buy me some food, but I declined as I had no appetite. We got something to drink and sat down. I had no idea he would say the things he said.
He told me that it hit him so hard when I said I just couldn’t see him, and he realized that never seeing me again was not okay. He said that his want for me to be in his life felt like a need, and he didn’t want to let me go. He explained to me that breaking up with me was so much harder than he thought it would be and with tears in his eyes and quivering face he said, “I think I love you.” …I cried… Then I said, “I know.”
I never expected any of those words to come out of his mouth and I wondered if I should have made all of this harder on him. He asked me to be his girlfriend again, and I said yes. I had a hard time feeling much that day. I was hurt and happy at the same time, but I couldn’t feel all of those emotions very strongly. I was at a complete loss for words. I think maybe I was numb and maybe my heart had started to let go. Had he waited another day, it might have been too late.
He seems so much happier to see me now and so much more sure of his feelings for me. I know he has a hard time with saying “I love you,” but he has let me know that he wants to say it more. It’s funny to me that I don’t need to hear it. I know he does. I will be patient until he is ready to say it, because I already know he does.
We haven’t had any alone time since, which is probably good for me. I’ve been packing and moving all week on top of work. Life has been crazy. I still feel uneasy because I’m afraid this will happen again. Last time I was in this situation, that guy broke up with me twice in one week. My heart feels so much more distant than it was before all of this, but I guess that’s normal. I had a horrible dream last night where he broke it off again and it really was over. It was such a realistic dream and scared me half to death.
This whole thing did make me realize just how much I care about him. I just hope that we continue to grow strong and that if he still wants to go to Chicago next year, I’ll be going with him.