After moping around for a week, eating almost nothing but ice cream, and trying to figure out what the f*ck happened, I decided to talk to my dad. He was just completely stupefied by why anyone would choose improv comedy over someone as wonderful as me. Now, I know he is my dad, but my dad is not and never was that parent who believed the sun shined out of his kid’s ass. He is a very realistic person who knows what he wants in life and works hard for what he has. He knows what my faults are, and I always felt somewhat inadequate like he looked upon me as a failure at life. I know he loves me and would do anything for me, because he has, but I don’t ever hear the words, “I’m proud of you” from him. So, I believe his compliments on the rare occasions that I get them. When my dad has something to say, I listen, because he doesn’t offer advice often. And, he doesn’t just say stuff to make me feel good.
It’s also easy for me to believe what he says, because he is kind of an outsider. He is my step dad although he did adopt me when my biological father gave up his parental rights when I was 12. So, yeah, it made absolutely no sense to him why this guy would break up with me to chase something he only discovered he loved FIVE months ago. He said that, to him, it is so stupid to give up a life with me to chase something with no guarantee and where the odds are so against you. He said, “being dirt poor gets old real fast, and who wants to live on welfare when they are older because they didn’t save for retirement when they could have?” He actually understood why I chased my dream for as long as I did because I spent most of my life training for it. I thought he looked down on me all these years. My dad told me what a catch I am and how any man would be so lucky to have me.
Wow. I didn’t realize that my dad thought so highly of me. He thought this guy was the luckiest man alive to have had me for the time he did and the dumbest man alive to throw it away. My dad concluded that he really doesn’t know me at all, because if he did, he wouldn’t have let me go. My dad was just beside himself because he could not make sense of it all, and my dad has a genius level IQ, mind you… None of my explanations to defend him held any water with my dad whatsoever.
I needed that talk. It gave me so much clarity. I understand chasing a dream because I’ve done it, but at some point, you have to be realistic. He gave up the best thing that ever happened to him, and for what? To take a stab in the dark and hope for the best? That can either make me feel completely worthless, or I can look at it as “he really is nuts.” Or, this guy actually doesn’t think we are a match and won’t tell me that for whatever reason. I do know what a catch I am. It was just so reassuring to hear it from my dad, a man whom I respect and who so many people look up to.
I still think this guy is pretty effin’ amazing, but each day that goes by is one more strike against him if he ever does change his mind. And, that’s not because I’m angry. Time and distance just does that. I will not chase him, so as far as he’s concerned, I’m gone. My heart is still tied up with him, but there’s only so much time left before that is permanently damaged. I can’t control that. We may talk or hang out eventually, but I will be no one’s fuck buddy. I am so much better than that and deserve so much more. Sex for me is reserved for committed relationships only. I tried that once, and I’ve decided not to play that game ever again. I did consider it with him, but why the hell would I do that to myself?! Alright, enough of that…
You know, there aren’t a lot of women anymore who are career-minded and incredibly driven but also want to be homemakers, actually raise their own kids, take care of their man in every way, who are patient and selfless, and who are independent as well… women who are fun, always looking for ways to spice things up, who are beautiful and loyal, and who genuinely show interest and support the passions of the men they love… women who respect their men in every way and always look for opportunities to show the world just how lucky they are to have him… women who don’t always have to be right and thrive on communication and compromise because it makes them better together.
We had so much potential to be incredible together. I hope that finds me again. I know that amazing men are pretty rare, but amazing women are even more hard to come by. I sure hope he finds what he’s looking for, and I hope what he finds is worth what he lost.
(I also really hope he’s not reading my blog anymore)