I feel like a child who’s favorite toy in the whole world just broke and rather than fix it, the parents just threw it away. I compare myself to a child, because some of my reactions to him breaking up with me feel somewhat irrational. I really thought I had guarded my heart better. It was only four months. Four months! That’s it! But, I still can’t control how I feel, and I still can’t help but recognize that I had someone who is irreplaceable. He tells me, “you know there are other great guys out there, right?” I do know that. I know there are other great guys. I’ve met many of them. But there’s a difference between “great” and “totally fucking awesome” and that is more rare than finding two identical snowflakes.
I know he meant as great as him or better, so I just wanted to say, “do you know any?” None of his friends compare, and I don’t know any either. There aren’t any in my social circles, or they are married. I don’t even know if I know of any married men (other than my dad) who are as amazing…
A lie cannot live. If he truly cares for me, he will come back around, because he can only lie to himself for so long. I really felt that we were perfect for each other, not just that he was perfect for me. I could be blind, but I just know this. My biggest fear is getting into another relationship and him coming back to ask me if I’m happy and me saying, “yeah, but he’s not you.” I know that won’t happen, because I will refuse to be with anyone unless he meets or exceeds what we had. I don’t see how it is possible to find that again, because he is seriously one in a billion. I would have to be the luckiest person alive to find that twice. It would be like lightning striking twice. It just doesn’t happen.
I wish so badly that he would have given me a chance to prove to him that I can be a solid support system for him. I don’t need him to be around all the time or need him to pay attention to me all the time. Sure, that would be nice, but I don’t absolutely need it. All I need is to know that he is mine, that he wants me, and to see in his eyes that I am the only one for him. I want him to pursue his missions and achieve his goals. I have absolute faith in him to be so ridiculously successful at everything he does. I want to be there when he succeeds and encourage him when he feels he has hit a roadblock.
I never got to show him that I am okay with him being distant when he is focused on other things, because I support everything he does. I am not a needy person, and I have my own things I chase as well. I know that men need their space from time to time. That’s why women have girlfriends. A great woman recognizes when he is pulling away, and takes steps to give him the space he needs so that their relationship can continue to thrive. Space for a man is not a want, it is a need. Men should never feel bad for needing that space. They need space sometimes as much as we need to be social. Again, that’s why we have girlfriends. I never got to show him that I understand this and respect him in this way.
My friends keep saying, “it’s his loss.” Usually I’ll agree and move on. However, it is also my loss this time. I lost big, and I wish I could go back and do a couple of things differently. Maybe I was so excited about him that I didn’t give him enough space sometimes. I just wanted to spend all my time with him, but I didn’t need to. I feel that after four or five months you start to settle down and begin to analyze if this is a relationship you want to continue to pursue. I didn’t have a chance to settle in over that mountain and show him my comfortable, happy, and content side where I give him that space and leave him longing for me. I don’t have a lot of regrets in my life, but I do regret not showing him that side of me. I didn’t always understand exactly how to do that, but I do now and it’s too late.
I didn’t get that chance, because he decided to end things before finding out. He wanted to avoid hurting me in the future, but doing so would entail that I don’t want to give him the space he needs or that I don’t understand how much he needs it. A woman who doesn’t understand a man’s need for space will be hurt when he withdraws to take that space. I do understand this concept! I respect it and am not hurt by it! A man who needs space does not care for you or love you any less! He just needs space!!!!
I woke up not feeling so numb, so this post ended up being quite long. I feel so bipolar lately. One minute I’m fine and the next I’m about to puke my guts out crying. Luckily, my mood is somewhat stable today. There has been a lot of anger in my writing this past week due to lack of understanding the whole situation. I hope he doesn’t feel insulted or disrespected. I was so upset the other day, that I wished he had gotten me pregnant on accident. But, I quickly reminded myself that I don’t really want that. I don’t even know if I want kids sometimes. I do, but not for a while. Me being pregnant would destroy his dream, and I don’t want that at all. I wonder what I would do if I was. I would be tempted to hide it from him as to not destroy this new mission he is after. I really don’t know. Hopefully, I’ll have my period soon so I have one less thing to worry about. I was supposed to start Saturday or Sunday…
For now, I have to figure out how to be his friend. How do you go backwards from lovers to friends? Do you just become lovers with no label? Friends with benefits? Do I just not contact him unless he contacts me first? I digress… I am happy that he wants us to stay in each other’s lives. I miss spending time with him. He really had become my best friend.