Part of me didn’t expect this to happen so soon or at all, but I think I may have found one of the few wonderful men left in this world. I find myself struggling with a different dilemma now… Why me? What did I do to deserve someone so great? Is he really as in to me as he says, or am I just part of the Truman Show? I can see it in his eyes and how he acts towards me that he is falling for me and deeply cares for me. He doesn’t have to say anything, I can just see it. But then again, I don’t believe it. I’ve always thought I deserved someone amazing, but it seems that the years of let downs and epic fail after epic fail have left me in a state of disbelief. It’s almost as if I don’t really believe that great people exist anymore. If they seem great, there’s a catch… They want something… There’s something fake about it… A hidden motive… It can’t be real and genuine, because all of the men before were fakes.
I am always wondering if he is acting. When I make him laugh, is he really laughing because he thought what I said was funny? I know he’s not acting, and I know he is genuine, but part of me still doesn’t believe it. Maybe the problem for me is just that not enough time has passed. I used to be able to go with it so blindly, but maybe I see that he is so wonderful that he could hurt me so badly. He could shatter me into oblivion with no hope for my future of ever recovering. I was almost there with the last one, so I know this would be the end of me. Maybe that’s why I am having these feelings. Maybe my heart is just being cautious for once, because it knows this is it. This is the one, or there is no one.
I am falling for him, but I am also so scared. He is just too good to be true and I have been hurt too many times. One thing about me that I find interesting, though, is my inability to let go of all hope. I have yet to show myself that I can truly lose my hope and never find it again. So, there is that glimmer of hope that he really is perfect for me… Not perfect, but perfect for me. I am making sure this time that I fall for a real person and not who I think that person is. It takes time to get to know someone, and I am taking my time this time.