Such a struggle

For the last 12 hours, all I have wanted to do is cry.  My sister has been talking to this army guy for about a year who has been deployed, and he came into town last night.  He is staying with us for three days. They met because a guy who I was interested in asked me to go to dinner with him and this guy friend of his one night.  Well, I didn’t want to go by myself, so I made my sister go with me.  So, he and my sister met that night, and they have been talking via Skype for a little over a year since then.  Cute story, right?  Well, the problem is that this is the type of guy I usually go for.  She and I usually never go for the same types of guys, but it’s different this time.  He’s a “good guy” and he seems so perfect.  He’s hilarious and goofy, and not afraid to embarrass himself in public like me.  He is super tall and incredibly attractive.  He seems to have a little bit of a nerdy side, too.  This is such a hard combination to find in a guy… someone who gets along with everyone, makes me really laugh, is hot, nerdy, and super tall… impossible.

So, I finally give up finding someone, and my little sister finds the perfect guy.  It’s so not fair, and I’m very jealous.  I’ve never felt this kind of jealousy before.  I have been through so much more heartache than her, and I’m older than her.  Why the hell have I not found the right person yet?!?!  It would just suck so bad if she got married before me.  I would have a very hard time being happy for her.  Of course I would be happy for her, but I would be so sad, too, and I would have to fake it so that her day was perfect.

I haven’t slept all night, because I like someone I can’t even entertain the thought of.  He came here to see my sister, and I would never get in the way.  That would be wrong.  I was supposed to have a date tonight with that guy I have dreamt about but am afraid of him hurting me.  He cancelled because he has family coming in town.  We were supposed to double date with my sister and her army guy and another couple or two.  I am definitely not going with them, now.  I actually decided to go to a singles mixer thing tonight.  The whole event is for “finding a date for Valentine’s Day.”  I hate that V-day is next week. ugh… so depressing.

99% of me has given up hope, but there’s still that 1% that wants to find someone.  It hurts my heart that I haven’t found him.  It almost feels like he is out there somewhere, and my heart is longing for him and hurting with him because he hasn’t found me, yet, either.  Most of me actually believes that I will never find him.  I’m not the type that looses hope easily.  I’ve always been a fighter, and I don’t give up on things that are important to me.  I just feel like I have lost this battle that I have been fighting for the last 12 years.  How long do you fight until it’s time to give up?  Is it time to just move on and focus on me?

I had another session on Thursday… It was pretty awesome.  I’ll have to update later, because I’m going to go take a Yoga class.  Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep after that.

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2 thoughts on “Such a struggle

  1. I just learned last week that “Hollywood” teaches us to find the right person and all of our dreams will come true. However, that is faulty, instead we need to be the right person and then we will find the right person for us.

    • That’s what I have always told people! My frustration is that after knowing myself and being content with me and after dating for so long, I still have not found the right person. I’m glad I didn’t rush into anything and end up divorced like a few of my friends, but it is still frustrating and disheartening. My biological clock is ticking away… Thank you for your comment!

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