I had my third therapy session yesterday, and we barely talked about him. I think I’m starting to heal and realize that he really wasn’t the right one for me. I could have made that relationship work if he was in it, and I wanted to, but ultimately I don’t think it’s exactly what I wanted. We talked mostly about my mom and the damage done to me from that relationship. It stems from something deeper than her, though. It goes all the way back to the abuse my grandfather suffered, and it probably goes further than that, but that’s as far as I know.
My great grandfather was verbally abusive to my grandfather and never told him once that he loved him. I’m sure the abuse was much worse than I know, because my grandfather abused my mother horrifically both verbally and physically. There was some sexual abuse there as well, but no rape or anything like that. This damaged my mom beyond anything I think she could ever recover from, so she married into an abusive situation thinking she was escaping her childhood. That’s where I was damaged. My mom had great friends, though, who helped her get out of this marriage before a lot of damage could be done. I suffered some sexual abuse that I remember, but I my siblings don’t remember anything.
My sense of self and identity were greatly damaged from what I am starting to realize. I have always had a very hard time trusting in my own decisions or making up my mind about anything. Everything I do is to appease someone else. My mom has added to this issue by not completely letting me be my own person. It has taken me well into my adult years to finally start to trust myself and realize that my goals, dreams, decisions, and mistakes are okay and good. The only thing I’ve really been able to hang onto is dance. I know that I am a dancer and that can never be taken from me. However, my dream to dance professionally in New York never came about because I did not have the support I needed to do it. My parents never wanted me to go and never supported it. So I spent some time traveling there and auditioning, but you must live there to land jobs. It still hurts that this dream of mine was shattered. I have tried to dance and perform locally, and it’s great, but it is not the same. I don’t feel that I truly lived to my fullest potential, and now my body is getting too old.
So, I have spent the last ten years trying to find something that I love and that my parents support, too. Now I am working on my teaching certification to teach middle and high school science. I am always studying about something science-related. I find the sciences absolutely fascinating, so I’m sure I will love teaching it. This career will also support my dancing on the side, but I am so afraid that it will take over and not allow me to dance. I can’t let that happen. I am at a point now, though, where I need to get out of my parents’ house at all cost, and this is the quickest way to do it.
I went on a date last night, and it was awesome! This is a guy that I met several months ago online. I was crazy about him the moment I saw his picture, and I had to meet him. He gets better every time I hang out with him, but I have turned him down to date two other guys and he teases me about that. I told him last night that I am afraid to fall for him because of our differences in religious beliefs. They aren’t too far off, but for a fanatical religious person, my views are not okay. My best relationship was destroyed because of this issue, and I am so afraid to be hurt like that again. I like him so much that I know how bad it would hurt to be hurt by him. So, for now, we are just taking things slow. I like that.