Today was very interesting. I briefly talked about my last conversation with my ex, cried a little bit, and then realized that it’s not the end of the world. It’s hard to see that when your in the midst of feeling the hell that is heartbreak. It really does “feel like a death,” my therapist said. She identified with me instead of reaming me for everything I did wrong. She then helped me see that I am a “caretaker” and that may not be what he wanted. He doesn’t want another mother. I’m starting to feel as though he just got bored with me. I was too available, which didn’t feel right to him, because that’s not what he really wants even though that’s what he said he wanted. I wanted to be there for him and to help him whenever he had troubles. I wanted him to do the same for me. I already knew all of this, but I am admitting it all to myself now. I’m scared to admit it all, because I don’t want to feel responsible for that relationship failing. He had absolutely no criticism for me, so maybe it wasn’t my fault. I do understand now why it is so important to take things slow. The therapist doesn’t think I was really in love since it takes a lot of time to really love someone. She could be right, but I really do feel that I loved and cared for him deeply and still do. I just wish I could understand what happened.
After this short conversation about him, we shifted focus on the relationship with my mother. That is a source of a lot of pain for me, because nothing I do is ever good enough for her and none of my choices are right in her eyes. She makes me feel completely incapable of making my own decisions and has my sister to back her up. Therefore, I don’t trust my decisions and frequently second-guess myself. This is why it has taken me 10 years since graduating high school to finally figure out what I want to do with my life. I finally found something that I think I will enjoy that is also okay with her. I will finally be able to move out on my own this fall and be my own person. I need that more than anything.
My mom likes to give me a lot of unwarranted advice. I might actually ask her for advice sometimes if she didn’t always throw it at me like an accusation of me being retarded and unable to think for myself. I know her intentions are good, and she loves me, but I need space to be an adult and live my own life! It seems that almost every time she opens her mouth about anything, I automatically throw up my wall and start getting offended. I fight myself so hard to not feel it, show it, and not say a word. I just sit there and take it and smile and nod. On the rare occasion that I do say something I’m thinking, it turns into a huge fight and I end up being the crazy selfish person. I even find myself wanting to do the exact opposite of everything she tells me to do just in spite of her. I know that’s horrible, but that’s how sick I am of feeling like a child with no wisdom. I don’t want her taking credit for my successes anymore and I’m not sure why. Maybe I just want to feel some ownership over my life for once. I want my mom to just trust in how she raised me and just f*cking let me go be an adult and learn from my own mistakes. She does have a lot of wisdom, but she never allows me to ask her. Instead, she shoves it down my throat. She has backed off some since realizing I never listen to her anyway, but it still sounds like a broken record when she talks. She says the same shit over and over again.
My therapist drew a conclusion that my mom has unintentionally put me in “her dark place” through her fear of me making her mistakes and destroying my life like she did. The therapist asked me what would happen if my mom was ever made to realize that her actions were the cause of so much of my sadness/pain/suffering, and I became speechless and started to cry. I said that it would destroy her if she ever could see that and own it, because she truly loves me and has been through so much anguish in her life already. I don’t think she could handle that reality. The therapist then pointed out that caretaker in me. How ironic. She said that I keep myself in this little box of trying to be perfect and please my mom and being afraid to confront her with my experience of her.
Any time I do try to talk to my mom about how I feel, it always turns into me being the selfish one that pushes everyone away. It always turns into a heated argument. Oh, and apparently I can’t see or understand the affect I have on people. I’m a pretty self-aware person and pretty receptive to criticism, so that sends me on this thought process where I wonder if I really do have these major issues I can’t see, and if I can’t see them, I must really be batshit insane. My therapist has made me feel very validated in how I feel about my mom, but then I hear my mom in the back of my head saying, “she doesn’t know you like I do.” My mom thinks I manipulate everyone into seeing the world as I see it and making her look bad. I’m really sick of feeling crazy. I really don’t do that. My mom is a wonderful mother. We’ve just had some big issues that have snowballed in the past several years. I’m more interested in moving out, career, and finding a husband than I am in being her daughter right now. Once those things in my life settle down, I’ll gravitate back towards her a little…. maybe.
On a more positive note, I have a lunch date tomorrow, and I’m actually looking forward to it.