Start fresh

And now that it’s quiet, I have to think about him again.  I have to be reminded of how much I love him and how he hurt me.  How I’ll never kiss him again and never fall asleep next to him.  It makes me angry and then it hurts again.  It’s hard for me to remind myself of the reasons he’s not right for me anyway.  I didn’t care about those things.  I just wanted him.  All of him.  Now I am back to square one… trying to find someone who I have that rare connection with.  Of all the men I have dated the past 10 years he is the only one I was 100% sure about… the only one who I had both compatibility and unexplainable feelings for.  I know how rare it is to have that with someone and I am so scared I will never find that again.  We fit so perfectly. Well, apparently not because something told him no.

I decided to accept an invite to watch a movie at a guy’s house tonight that I met a few years ago.  I thought it would be fun and a nice distraction, and it was for a while.  I ended up feeling like a complete failure at life when he started showing me pictures of his bombshell ex girlfriend that he was apparently so crazy about.  Why do men do that?  I know I’m attractive, and I do get a lot of male attention, but I will never be that perfect young 21-year-old girl he was showing to me.  I felt incredibly intimidated, and I hope he never asks me to do anything ever again.  Maybe his intentions were friends only.  If he’s interested in me, he sure did everything wrong.  Thank God he didn’t try to kiss me.

I just want my love back, and he will never come back, I’m afraid.  I find myself being angry at him for trusting him to save me from this sea of sharks… or the world of dating.  I hate this world, and I want out asap.  However, I’m trying to be so patient.  Even if he did come back, I know deep down that it would be a disaster to accept him back into my life.  I just need time to speed up a little so I can get over this hurt and get a fresh start with somebody new… someone who sparks my interest and gives me hope. Lately I find that no one even causes me to raise an eyebrow or take a second look.  I don’t know if I’m just being too picky, or if I’m burned out, or if I just can’t see past my broken heart.

I miss the person I used to be before I started dating.  I wish I could take all of these lessons I’ve learned, erase all the scars, and start fresh.


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