Hope

I keep thinking about our last conversation on Monday.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  He never said the words “I don’t want to be with you” so of course my heart keeps holding on to hope that maybe he really does want to be with me.  I love him so much and this hurts so bad.  I want to ask him if this is something he wants to work through with me, but I don’t know if that is smart.  I’ll wait a week and then email him if I still feel I need to.  I kind of think hearing him say “I don’t want to be with you” will take the hope away and allow me to move on and heal faster.  I wonder if he just has so much on his plate that he doesn’t really know what he wants right now.

He has some major self-esteem issues from being bullied and beat up every day from middle school all through high school.  Despite being incredibly attractive and having an awesome sense of humor, he still has these issues. He has said that I deserve better than him many times, so I wonder if his feelings are affected by that.  I wonder if his “just not feeling right” has anything to do with this.  Is that an issue I would really want to deal with long term?  I decided already that it was.  The week after Christmas when all I knew was that he was just going through some depression for no reason, I realized that I wanted to be there for him.  I wanted to be his support system for whatever he ever went through in life.  I wish we could work through all of this together, but I don’t know if he would consider that.  I don’t know if he really doesn’t want to be with me or if he is just trying to do what he thinks is the right thing for me.

I miss him terribly and wish desperately that I could be there for him right now.

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