Safe

I learned how to step out of my comfort zone recently and date people that I don’t consider “safe.”  What I mean by that is I used to settle for men who I knew would never break my heart.  The past couple of years, I tried to step outside of that fear of being rejected to date men who actually might turn me down.  I finally know what it feels like to fall in love with someone who decides he no longer loves me back.  He believes I can find better anyway, but that’s not the point.  I wanted all of him and no one else.  For the first time, I wasn’t wishing my boyfriend could be something different or better, and I didn’t have my eye open for something else just in case.  I was sold.  He was it for me.  Now I have to find that again and I don’t know if I can.  I’ve been in love a few times, but not like this.  This time, he was perfect for me AND I had strong feelings for him.  Both other times, I had the feelings, but they were all wrong for me.  I’ve also been with a guy who was right for me and I didn’t have the feelings, so I do understand him when he says it doesn’t feel right with me.  It’s just sad.

I cried all day after talking with him.  I felt better than I did before, but incredibly sad that it didn’t work out.  I still love him and know I will for a long time.  Three other male friends of mine have recently expressed interest in me.  They are awesome guys, but I don’t want another relationship right now.  I can’t even imagine moving on at this point.  I went to a ballet class last night, and even that didn’t cheer me up.  You know something is very wrong when even dance can’t take my pain away.  It is definitely going to take me some time to move on and be ready to trust someone else again.  I just hope that he never regrets letting me go, because I’ll have to go through this all over again.  I can’t take him back at this point, because I know he would do this to me again and I don’t trust him anymore.  I wish so badly that we could be together, but we can’t.  He has destroyed us, and I hope he doesn’t decide that he actually wants to be with me and that he made a mistake by letting me go.  I don’t want him to feel that pain, because I won’t take him back.  I have to take care of myself on this one.

Life really sucks sometimes.

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