I didn’t know a broken heart could feel this horrible. It feels terrible every time, but I think this time is particularly worse than the others. This may be because it is coupled with rejection for the first time. I don’t know. Maybe it just feels worse and worse each time you go through it. I thought I wasn’t going to have to date anymore. I really knew he was the one. I’ve never had such a fear of dating, but now, I do. I don’t want to do it anymore. I can’t take being hurt again. I honestly don’t think I could do it one more time and survive it. I wonder if those who stay single get to this point where they just can’t do it anymore and they realize that being alone and feeling lonely is better than chancing being torn apart again. I am trying so hard to put all of my pieces back together, but I’m out of glue.
I think each heartbreak re-shatters the pieces from the previous heartbreak and then breaks those pieces into smaller pieces. I physically felt it this time. When he told me the second time that his feelings were gone and that he didn’t think we should be together, I felt as though someone had taken a huge rock and slammed it into my chest. I could almost hear it and it actually knocked me over. When someone connects with your soul and then forces the disconnect, I think it is more damaging to a person than a gunshot. I feel as though I have been going through a divorce. I can’t even imagine what that would really be like. I pray to God I never have to go through that and my heart hurts for all of those who have been so unfortunate.
I need to move on, but I don’t know how. They say it takes time, but I don’t have time. I’m getting too old, and I’m ready to find that person. I know I can’t start another relationship until my heart heals from this one. I just wish this would go faster. I guess I still have some hope that he will wake up and realize what a huge mistake he made. But then I come back to reality and realize that even that would not fix the damage he has done. I don’t know that I could risk going through this again and spend all the time it would take for me to trust him again. I don’t think that would be smart. He has shown me that he cannot handle much stress in his personal life, and when he goes through hard times, he pushes people he loves away including his family. I don’t want someone like that. It is very hard for me to pick out his flaws and say, “see, this is why I shouldn’t be with him.” He is so perfect in my eyes even with his flaws, and that’s the way it should be.
So, I have all of these pieces and no more glue. Where can I get more glue?