So, I decided to do some therapy. I think it will be good for me. A good friend of mine suggested someone, so that’s who I am seeing. Tonight was my first session, and it went pretty well, I guess. First sessions are mostly about the doc listening to what’s going on in your life and assessing your body language and stuff. I was already upset about work, so that’s what came out first. Then we talked about the recent issue with they guy I was dating. I think I should spell out everything I want to accomplish so I don’t just waste money talking to someone about my problems when I can just use a friend for that.
1. I want to resolve the issues with my mother and possibly have her in for a session once I’m not afraid of her anymore.
2. I want to figure out why I’m not married yet.
3. I want to know if my issues are normal or if I really am retarded like my mother thinks.
4. I want to rediscover my purpose in life.
5. I want to feel that my choices and decisions are okay and get better at feeling confident in making my own decisions.
6. I want to feel like an adult.
7. I want to figure out why I feel that my family does not understand me at all and why I have pushed them away.
8. I want to figure out if I really am an attention whore or if that’s just something my family accuses me of.
9. I want to figure out if I am self-destructive or just lack motivation.
10. I want to feel more confident in my faith and figure out what exactly it is that I believe anyway.
I discovered a few things today without the doc really saying them: It’s okay to be angry with my mother. My feelings about her are valid and justified… My mom seems to have this image of me that I am incredibly self-centered and cannot take responsibility for my actions. I believe I was very much those things in high school, and I think I struggle with those like anyone does, but I am pretty good at admitting when I am wrong and I am a very giving selfless person. She may not see that, though, because there is such a strain on our relationship. She never has anything positive to say to me and frequently tells me that my choices are bad ones. She also doesn’t agree with anything I do or want to do and tells me I don’t live in the real world. She likes to tell me that she’s not the only one who feels this way about me, so she undeniably has the rest of my family convinced that I’m insane and need help. …such a wonderful feeling. It’s no wonder I often want to kill myself or move really far away. It’s a good thing I have learned to be self-sufficient in the way that I don’t need their approval to know I am worth something.
I don’t talk to my mom much anymore, and she tells me often that she doesn’t like it that I don’t talk to her. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to tell her every detail of my life. I’m not in high school, or even college anymore. I like to surround myself with happy, positive, and supportive people… She’s not one of those anymore. Whenever we get to talking, she always has to mention how I’ve pushed everyone away, think only about me, make poor choices, and I don’t see how I affect others. Great, not only am I a horrible person, but I can’t even see it and can’t fix it! She makes me feel batshit insane!!!! Here is a woman who has defined my identity for most of my life telling me that I am a terrible person. Oh, and if I ever make that smart aleck remark, “so I’m a terrible person,” she says she doesn’t think that at all. uh huh… talking out of both ends are we?
She called me two minutes after my session today to ask me all about it. That just pissed me off. I don’t want to tell her everything! And, I’m NOT doing this for her despite the thousands of times she has tried to get me to do it. It makes me sick that she is fishing for stuff to validate why she has told me to go to therapy. OMFG GO BUD THE F*CK OUT! okay sorry… I feel better now…
I have analyzed the recent boyfriend thing to death, so I don’t think there is anything the doc could say about it that I haven’t thought of already. At least, there was nothing new that was said today. One thing I found interesting, though, is she picked up on my shattered dream as being more painful than what I recently went through. I’ve had a dream to move to New York since college to pursue a professional dance career, and I really needed my parents’ support to do that. Well, they basically thought it was a bunch of horse shit, so I never went. I spent a lot of my own money traveling there and auditioning, but you have to live there to get cast for anything. I got quite a few callbacks, but that’s it. So, I’ve tried to do what I love in the local market, but I feel I have sold myself short and not reached my full potential. I still get very upset if anyone ever asks me about it. I’ve just had to tell myself that my singing voice would have held me back and that it wasn’t worth it to try anyway… but I know deep down that’s not true.
It’s going to take a long time to sort through the family stuff, I can tell. I have made a lot of mistakes this past year with my dating life, but I have learned so many great things, too. I know that because of all of those mistakes, I will be so much happier with who I end up marrying. AND, I won’t be getting divorced like many of my friends are already.