Last night

I have felt lately that I am not living in my body. I’m sitting at Starbucks outside right now, and I heard some sirens behind me. As they got louder, I wondered if they were coming for me and I was actually unconscious thinking I was still continuing to drink my passionfruit tea and write on my blog. It’s a scary place to wonder if you are dreaming or not. I had to ask someone to clarify where I was last night, because I really was not sure if I was physically there.

I had another sleepless night. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I think I figured out what happens when I snap. Maybe I’ll write about that sometime. If I don’t do something about this today, I might just end up hating myself, and that’s not a good place to be. I don’t want to give up on us, but it might be time to look out for myself. I am suffering, and I’m sure he has no idea. He may not even care. He doesn’t love me, or he would be with me. My family is very worried about me. I checked into a hotel last night instead of going home, because I don’t want my family to hurt for me. They don’t deserve that. I really couldn’t afford that hotel. Thank God for credit cards when you need them.

That Jason Mraz song doesn’t apply to my situation. I can’t just sit back and patiently wait for him when I don’t know if he even wants me to or not. I fear that I am going to hate him at the end of all of this, and I do not want that. I just turned my claddagh ring back around to signify that I am single again… preparing for the worst… probably my best bet at this point. It has been almost a week. Who needs a week to decide whether or not you love someone?! That’s just f*cked up to me. I feel that I am being dragged through the mud and I am sick of it. I want to be with him, but I need to take care of me, too. I will never trust someone like that so easily ever again.

I trusted that when he said he loved me, he would stick to it. I trusted that falling for him would not result in my heart being shattered. I trusted him too much, and there’s no way I could trust him again. It’s time to move on. I think I’m done, but then again, I know me and that it will depend on what he says to me. I don’t want to hate him. I wish I could give him three weeks, but I can’t. I’m at my wits end, literally, and I don’t deserve this.

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