Time has stopped

It hurts that he doesn’t need me right now. It hurt two weeks ago when he turned to other things rather than talk to me about what he was going through. It hurt that he wouldn’t wake me up at night to kiss me or let me meet his sexual needs. It hurt that he didn’t want me anymore in that way. He says it’s because he didn’t want me to feel used and I appreciate that if it’s the truth. I guess I need him more than I thought I did and in more ways than I thought. I love him desperately and am trying so hard to hold out for him and give him space. I think I’ve listened to that Jason Mraz song over a hundred times now. It keeps my mind from going insane. Whatever works right now, I’ll take it.

I think that if he was impulsive, I would have heard from him already. So, either he is really thinking about things and trying to clear his confusion, or he’s made up his mind and doesn’t have the balls to tell me. He may really have no idea what he is putting me through. My sister witnessed a panic attack from me today. I’m the one that usually stays so calm, so that was scary for her to see. I had to stop talking, close my eyes, and just breathe. She talked me through it. I think she is starting to hate him for doing this to me. I panicked because I realized that I really have no idea what he is going to choose and I have no control over the fate of our relationship. None.

You know, he smothered me in the beginning of our relationship. He gave me too much attention and too many compliments. I had no time to miss him or think of him apart from being in some form of contact with him. I talked to him about it and he backed off a little, which allowed my feelings to grow for him. Since he started this whole episode, I’ve experience what it’s like to be there for him without hearing all the compliments and without him doing all the little things he used to do for me. It made me miss him and caused my feelings to grow even stronger. I realized that I want to be that person who always cares for him no matter what he is going through.

I can’t go through this for another 17 days. My heart hurts and my digestive system hates me. I danced and worked out till my toes blistered, so I don’t have that outlet anymore… at least not for a few days until my toes heal. I picked up a bunch of shifts at work, so hopefully we will be busy and I’ll be distracted. I think I will message him Thursday night to see if he needs more time. That will be one week since we last talked. If I don’t hear from him, I will text him. I need some feedback, because I feel like I’m dying very slowly. If he has made a decision, I need to know. Three weeks is a long time for me to be this freaked out. In my mind, time has stopped, and I need this to be over NOW.

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